DIONYSUS Which is the quickest way to get to Hades? I want one not too warm, nor yet too cold.
HERACLES Which shall I tell you first? which shall it be? There’s one by rope and bench:. you launch away And—hang yourself,
DIONYSUS No thank you: that’s too stifling.
HERACLES Then there’s a track, a short and beaten cut, By pestle and mortar.
DIONYSUS Hemlock, do you mean?
HERACLES Just so.
DIONYSUS No, that’s too deathly cold a way; You have hardly started ere your shins get numbed.
HERACLES Well, would you like a steep and swift descent?
DIONYSUS Aye, that’s the style: my walking powers are small.
HERACLES Go down to the Cerameicus.
DIONYSUS And do what?
HERACLES Climb to the tower’s top pinnacle—
DIONYSUS And then?
HERACLES Observe the torch-race started, and when all The multitude is shouting Let them go, Let yourself go,
DIONYSUS Go! whither?
HERACLES To the ground.
DIONYSUS And lose, forsooth, two envelopes of brain. I’ll not try that.
HERACLES Which will you try?
DIONYSUS The way You went yourself.
HERACLES A parlous voyage that, For first you’ll come to an enormous lake
HERACLES Of fathomless depth.
DIONYSUS And how am I to cross?
HERACLES An ancient mariner will row you over In a wee boat, so big. The fare’s two obols.
DIONYSUS Fie! The power two obols have, the whole world through! How came they thither!
HERACLES Theseus took them down. And next you’ll see great snakes and savage monsters In tens of thousands.
DIONYSUS You needn’t try to scare me, I’m going to go,
HERACLES Then weltering seas of filth
HERACLES And ever-rippling dung: and plunged therein, Whoso has wronged the stranger here on earth, Or robbed his boylove of the promised pay, Or swinged his mother, or profanely smitten His father’s cheek, or sworn an oath forsworn, Or copied out a speech of Morsimus.
DIONYSUS There too, perdie, should he be plunged, whoe’er Has danced the sword-dance of Cinesias.
HERACLES And next the breath of flutes will float around you, And glorious sunshine, such as ours, you’ll see, And myrtle groves, and happy bands who clap Their hands in triumph, men and women too.
DIONYSUS And who are they?
HERACLES The happy mystic bands,
XANTHIAS And I’m the donkey in the mystery show. But I’ll not stand it, not one instant longer.
HERACLES Who’ll tell you everything you want to know. You’ll find them dwelling close beside the road You are going to travel, just at Pluto’s gate. And fare thee well, my brother.
DIONYSUS And to you Good cheer. (To Xan.) Now sirrah, pick you up the traps.
XANTHIAS Before I’ve put them down?
DIONYSUS And quickly too.
XANTHIAS No, prithee, no: but hire a body, one They’re carrying out, on purpose for the trip.
DIONYSUS If I can’t find one?
XANTHIAS Then I’ll take them.
DIONYSUS Good. And see! they are carrying out a body now. Hallo! you there, you deadman, are you willing To carry down our little traps to Hades?
CORPSE What are they?
DIONYSUS These.
CORPSE Two drachmas for the job?
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