Διογένης οὐχ Ἡρακλῆς οὗτός ἐστιν; οὐ μὲν οὖν ἄλλος, μὰ τὸν Ἡρακλέα. τὸ τόξον, τὸ ῥόπαλον, ἡ λεοντῆ, τὸ μέγεθος, ὅλος Ἡρακλῆς ἐστιν. εἶτα τέθνηκε Διὸς υἱὸς ὤν; εἰπέ μοι, ὦ καλλίνικε, νεκρὸς εἶ; ἐγὼ γάρ σοι ἔθυον ὑπὲρ γῆς ὡς θεῷ.
Ἡρακλῆς καὶ ὀρθῶς ἔθυες· αὐτὸς μὲν γὰρ ὁ Ἡρακλῆς ἐν τῷ οὐρανῷ τοῖς θεοῖς σύνεστι καὶ ἔχει καλλίσφυρον Ἥβην, ἐγὼ δʼ εἴδωλόν εἰμι αὐτοῦ.
Διογένης πῶς λέγεις; εἴδωλον τοῦ θεοῦ; καὶ δυνατὸν ἐξ ἡμισείας μέν τινα θεὸν εἶναι, τεθνάναι δὲ τῷ ἡμίσει;
Ἡρακλῆς ναί· οὐ γὰρ ἐκεῖνος τέθνηκεν, ἀλλʼ ἐγω ἡ εἰκῶν αὐτοῦ.
Διογένης μανθάνω· ἄντανδρον σε τῷ Πλούτωνι παρέδωκεν ἀνθʼ ἑαυτοῦ, καὶ σὺ τοίνυν ἀντʼ ἐκείνου νεκρὸς εἶ.
Ἡρακλῆς τοιοῦτό τι.
Διογένης πῶς οὖν ἀκριβὴς ὁ Αἰακὸς ὢν οὐ διέγνω σε μὴ ὄντα ἐκεῖνον, ἀλλὰ παρεδέξατο ὑποβολιμαῖον Ἡρακλέα παρόντα;
Ἡρακλῆς ὅτι ἐῴκειν ἀκριβῶς.
Διογένης ἀληθῆ λέγεις· ἀκριβῶς γάρ, ὥστε αὐτὸς εἶναι. ὅρα γοῦν μὴ τὸ ἐναντίον ἐστὶ καὶ σὺ μὲν εἶ ὁ Ἡρακλῆς, τὸ δὲ εἴδωλον γεγάμηκε τὴν Ἥβην παρὰ τοῖς θεοῖς.
Ἡρακλῆς θρασὺς εἶ καὶ λάλος, καὶ εἰ μὴ παύσῃ σκώπτων ἐς ἐμέ, εἴσῃ αὐτίκα οἵου θεοῦ εἴδωλόν εἰμι.
Διογένης τὸ μὲν τόξον γυμνὸν καὶ πρόχειρον· ἐγὼ δὲ τί ἂν ἔτι φοβοίμην σε ἅπαξ τεθνηκώς; ἀτὰρ εἰπέ μοι πρὸς τοῦ σοῦ Ἡρακλέους, ὁπότε ἐκεῖνος ἔζη, συνῆς αὐτῷ καὶ τότε εἴδωλον ὤν; ἢ εἷς μὲν ἦτε παρὰ τὸν βίον, ἐπεὶ δὲ ἀπεθάνετε, διαιρεθέντες ὁ μὲν ἐς θεοὺς ἀπέπτατο, σὺ δὲ τὸ εἴδωλον, ὥσπερ εἰκὸς ἦν, ἐς ᾅδου πάρει;
Ἡρακλῆς ἐχρῆν μὲν μηδὲ ἀποκρίνασθαι πρὸς ἄνδρα οὕτως ἐρεσχηλοῦντα· ὅμως δʼ οὖν καὶ τοῦτο ἄκουσον· ὁπόσον μὲν γὰρ Ἀμφιτρύωνος ἐν τῷ Ἡρακλεῖ ἦν, τοῦτο τέθνηκε καί εἰμι ἐγὼ ἐκεῖνο πᾶν, ὃ δὲ ἦν τοῦ Διός, ἐν οὐρανῷ σύνεστι τοῖς θεοῖς.
DIOGENES Surely this is Heracles I see? By his godhead, ‘tis no other! The bow, the club, the lion’s-skin, the giant frame; ‘tis Heracles complete. Yet how should this be?—a son of Zeus, and mortal? I say, Mighty Conqueror, are you dead? I used to sacrifice to you in the other world; I understood you were a God!
HERACLES Thou didst well. Heracles is with the Gods in Heaven,
And hath white-ankled Hebe there to wife.
I am his phantom.
DIOGENES His phantom! What then, can one half of any one be a God, and the other half mortal?
HERACLES Even so. The God still lives. ‘Tis I, his counterpart, am dead.
DIOGENES I see. You’re a dummy; he palms you off upon Pluto, instead of coming himself. And here are you, enjoying his mortality!
HERACLES ‘Tis somewhat as thou hast said.
DIOGENES Well, but where were Aeacus’s keen eyes, that he let a counterfeit Heracles pass under his very nose, and never knew the difference?
HERACLES I was made very like to him.
DIOGENES I believe you! Very like indeed, no difference at all! Why, we may find it’s the other way round, that you are Heracles, and the phantom is in Heaven, married to Hebe!
HERACLES Prating knave, no more of thy gibes; else thou shalt presently learn how great a God calls me phantom.
DIOGENES H’m. That bow looks as if it meant business. And yet,—what have I to fear now? A man can die but once. Tell me, phantom,—by your great Substance I adjure you—did you serve him in your present capacity in the upper world? Perhaps you were one individual during your lives, the separation taking place only at your deaths, when he, the God, soared heavenwards, and you, the phantom, very properly made your appearance here?
HERACLES Thy ribald questions were best unanswered. Yet thus much thou shalt know.—All that was Amphitryon in Heracles, is dead; I am that mortal part. The Zeus in him lives, and is with the Gods in Heaven.
Διογένης σαφῶς νῦν μανθάνω· δύο γὰρ φὴς ἔτεκεν ἡ Ἀλκμήνη κατὰ τὸ αὐτὸ Ἡρακλέας, τὸν μὲν ὑπʼ Ἀμφιτρύωνι, τὸν δὲ παρὰ τοῦ Διός, ὥστε ἐλελήθειτε δίδυμοι ὄντες ὁμομήτριοι.
Ἡρακλῆς οὔκ, ὦ μάταιε· ὁ γὰρ αὐτὸς ἄμφω ἦμεν.
Διογένης οὐκ ἔστι μαθεῖν τοῦτο ῥᾴδιον, συνθέτους δύο ὄντας Ἡρακλέας, ἐκτὸς εἰ μὴ ὥσπερ ἱπποκένταυρός τις ἦτε ἐς ἓν συμπεφυκότες ἄνθρωπος καὶ θεός.
Ἡρακλῆς οὐ γὰρ καὶ πάντες οὕτω σοι δοκοῦσι συγκεῖσθαι ἐκ δυεῖν, ψυχῆς καὶ σώματος; ὥστε τί τὸ κωλῦόν ἐστι τὴν μὲν ψυχὴν ἐν οὐρανῷ εἶναι, ἥπερ ἦν ἐκ Διός, τὸ δὲ θνητὸν ἐμὲ παρὰ τοῖς νεκροῖς;
Διογένης ἀλλʼ, ὦ βέλτιστε Ἀμφιτρυωνιάδη, καλῶς ἂν ταῦτα ἔλεγες, εἰ σῶμα ἦσθα, νῦν δὲ ἀσώματον εἴδωλον εἶ· ὥστε κινδυνεύεις τριπλοῦν ἤδη ποιῆσαι τὸν Ἡρακλέα.
Ἡρακλῆς πῶς τριπλοῦν;
Διογένης ὧδέ πως· εἰ γὰρ ὁ μέν τις ἐν οὐρανῷ, ὁ δὲ παρʼ ἡμῖν σὺ τὸ εἴδωλον, τὸ δὲ σῶμα ἐλύθη κόνις ἤδη γενόμενον, τρία ταῦτα δὴ γίγνεται. καὶ σκόπει, ὅντινα δὴ πατέρα τὸν τρίτον ἐπινοήσεις τῷ σώματι.
Ἡρακλῆς θρασὺς εἶ καὶ σοφιστής· τίς δὲ καὶ ὢν τυγχάνεις;
Διογένης Διογένους τοῦ Σινωπέως εἴδωλον, αὐτὸς δὲ οὐ μὰ Δία μετʼ ἀθανάτοισι θεοῖσιν, ἀλλὰ τοῖς βελτίστοις νεκρῶν ἀνδρῶν συνὼν Ὁμήρου καὶ τῆς τοσαύτης ψυχρολογίας καταγελῶ.
DIOGENES Ah, now I see! Alcmena had twins, you mean,—Heracles the son of Zeus, and Heracles the son of Amphitryon? You were really half-bothers all the time?
HERACLES Fool! not so. We twain were one Heracles.
DIOGENES It’s a little difficult to grasp, the two Heracleses packed into one. I suppose you must have been like a sort of Centaur, man and God all mixed together?
HERACLES And are not all thus composed of two elements,—the body and the soul? What then should hinder the soul from being in Heaven, with Zeus who gave it, and the mortal part—myself—among the dead?
DIOGENES Yes, yes, my esteemed son of Amphitryon,—that would be all very well if you were a body; but you see you are a phantom, you have no body. At this rate we shall get three Heracleses.
HERACLES Three?
DIOGENES Yes; look here. One in Heaven: one in Hades, that’s you, the phantom: and lastly the body, which by this time has returned to dust. That makes three. Can you think of a good father for number Three?
HERACLES Impudent quibbler! And who art thou?
DIOGENES I am Diogenes’s phantom, late of Sinope. But my original, I assure you, is not ‘among th’ immortal Gods,’ but here among dead men; where he enjoys the best of company, and snaps my fingers at Homer and all hair-splitting.
φιλόσοφος νῦν μέν, ὦ Ἀλέξανδρε, οὐκ ἂν ἔξαρνος γένοιο μὴ οὐκ ἐμὸς υἱὸς εἶναι· οὐ γὰρ ἂν ἐτεθνήκεις Ἄμμωνός γε ὤν.
Ἀλέξανδρος οὐδʼ αὐτὸς ἠγνόουν, ὦ πάτερ, ὡς Φιλίππου τοῦ Ἀμύντου υἱός εἰμι, ἀλλʼ ἐδεξάμην τὸ μάντευμα ὡς χρήσιμον ἐς τὰ πράγματα οἰόμενος εἶναι.
Φιλόσοφος τί λέγεις; χρήσιμον ἐδόκει σοι το παρέχειν σεαυτὸν ἐξαπατηθησόμενον ὑπὸ τῶν προφητῶν;
Ἀλέξανδρος οὐ τοῦτο, ἀλλʼ οἱ βάρβαροι κατεπλάγησάν με καὶ οὐδεὶς ἔτι ἀνθίστατο οἰόμενοι θεῷ μάχεσθαι, ὥστε ῥᾷον ἐκράτουν αὐτῶν.
Φιλόσοφος τίνων δὲ ἐκράτησας σύ γε ἀξιομάχων ἀνδρῶν, ὃς δειλοῖς ἀεὶ ξυνηνέχθης τοξάρια καὶ πελτάρια καὶ γέρρα οἰσύϊνα προβεβλημένοις; Ἑλλήνων κρατεῖν ἔργον ἦν, Βοιωτῶν καὶ Φωκέων καὶ Ἀθηναίων, καὶ τὸ Ἀρκάδων ὁπλιτικὸν καὶ τὴν Θετταλὴν ἵππον καὶ τοὺς Ἠλείων ἀκοντιστὰς καὶ τὸ Μαντινέων πελταστικὸν ἢ Θρᾷκας ἢ Ἰλλυριοὺς ἢ καὶ Παίονας χειρώσασθαι, ταῦτα μεγάλα· Μήδων δὲ καὶ Περσῶν καὶ Χαλδαίων, χρυσοφόρων ἀνθρώπων καὶ ἁβρῶν, οὐκ οἶσθα ὡς πρὸ σοῦ μύριοι μετὰ Κλεάρχου ἀνελθόντες ἐκράτησαν οὐδʼ ἐς χεῖρας ὑπομεινάντων ἐλθεῖν ἐκείνων, ἀλλὰ πρὶν ἢ τὸ τόξευμα ἐξικνεῖσθαι φυγόντων;
Ἀλέξανδρος ἀλλʼ οἱ Σκύθαι γε, ὦ πάτερ, καὶ οἱ Ἰνδῶν ἐλέφαντες οὐκ εὐκαταφρόνητόν τι ἔργον, καὶ ὅμως οὐ διαστήσας αὐτοὺς οὐδὲ προδοσίαις ὠνούμενος τὰς νίκας ἐκράτουν αὐτῶν· οὐδʼ ἐπιώρκησα πώποτε ἢ ὑποσχόμενος ἐψευσάμην ἢ ἄπιστον ἔπραξά τι τοῦ νικᾶν ἕνεκα. καὶ τοὺς Ἕλληνας δὲ τοὺς μὲν ἀναιμωτὶ παρέλαβον, Θηβαίους δὲ ἴσως ἀκούεις ὅπως μετῆλθον.
Φιλόσοφος οἶδα ταῦτα πάντα· Κλεῖτος γὰρ ἀπήγγειλέ μοι, ὃν σὺ τῷ δορατίῳ διελάσας μεταξὺ δειπνοῦντα ἐφόνευσας, ὅτι με πρὸς τὰς σὰς πράξεις ἐπαινέσαι ἐτόλμησε.
Φιλόσοφος σὺ δὲ καὶ τὴν Μακεδονικὴν χλαμύδα καταβαλὼν κάνδυν, ὥς φασι, μετενέδυς καὶ τιάραν ὀρθὴν ἐπέθου καὶ προσκυνεῖσθαι ὑπὸ Μακεδόνων, ὑπʼ ἐλευθέρων ἀνδρῶν, ἠξίους, καὶ τὸ πάντων γελοιότατον, ἐμιμοῦ τὰ τῶν νενικημένων. ἐῶ γὰρ λέγειν ὅσα ἄλλα ἔπραξας, λέουσι συγκατακλείων πεπαιδευμένους ἄνδρας καὶ γάμους τοιούτους γαμῶν καὶ Ἡφαιστίωνα ὑπεραγαπῶν. ἓν ἐπῄνεσα μόνον ἀκούσας, ὅτι ἀπέσχου τῆς τοῦ Δαρείου γυναικὸς καλῆς οὔσης, καὶ τῆς μητρὸς αὐτοῦ καὶ τῶν θυγατέρων ἐπεμελήθης· βασιλικὰ γὰρ ταῦτα.
Ἀλέξανδρος τὸ φιλοκίνδυνον δέ, ὦ πάτερ, οὐκ ἐπαινεῖς καὶ τὸ ἐν Ὀξυδράκαις πρῶτον καθαλέσθαι ἐντὸς τοῦ τείχους καὶ τοσαῦτα λαβεῖν τραύματα;
φιλόσοφος οὐκ ἐπαινῶ τοῦτο, ὦ Ἀλέξανδρε, οὐχ ὅτι μὴ καλὸν οἴομαι εἶναι καὶ τιτρώσκεσθαί ποτε τον βασιλέα καὶ προκινδυνεύειν τοῦ στρατοῦ, ἀλλʼ ὅτι σοι τὸ τοιοῦτον ἥκιστα συνέφερε· θεὸς γὰρ εἶναι δοκῶν εἴ ποτε τρωθείης, καὶ βλέποιέν σε φοράδην τοῦ πολέμου ἐκκομιζόμενον, αἵματι ῥεόμενον, οἰμώζοντα ἐπὶ τῷ τραύματι, ταῦτα γέλως ἦν τοῖς ὁρῶσιν, ᾗ καὶ ὁ Ἄμμων γόης καὶ ψευδόμαντις ἠλέγχετο καὶ οἱ προφῆται κόλακες. ἢ τίς οὐκ ἂν ἐγέλασεν ὁρῶν τὸν τοῦ Διὸς υἱὸν λειποψυχοῦντα, δεόμενον τῶν ἰατρῶν βοηθεῖν; νῦν μὲν γὰρ ὁπότε ἤδη τέθνηκας, οὐκ οἴει πολλοὺς εἶναι τοὺς τὴν προσποίησιν ἐκείνην ἐπικερτομοῦντας, ὁρῶντας τὸν νεκρὸν τοῦ θεοῦ ἐκτάδην κείμενον, μυδῶντα ἤδη καὶ ἐξῳδηκότα κατὰ νόμον σωμάτων ἁπάντων; ἄλλως τε καὶ τοῦτο, ὃ χρήσιμον ἔφης, ὦ Ἀλέξανδρε, τὸ διὰ τοῦτο κρατεῖν ῥᾳδίως, πολὺ τῆς δόξης ἀφῄρει τῶν κατορθουμένων· πᾶν γὰρ ἐδόκει ἐνδεὲς ὑπὸ θεοῦ γίγνεσθαι δοκοῦν.
PHILIP You cannot deny that you are my son this time, Alexander; you would not have died if you had been Ammon’s.
ALEXANDER I knew all the time that you, Philip, son of Amyntas, were my father. I only accepted the statement of the oracle because I thought it was good policy.
PHILIP What, to suffer yourself to be fooled by lying priests?
ALEXANDER No, but it had an awe-inspiring effect upon the barbarians. When they thought they had a God to deal with, they gave up the struggle; which made their conquest a simple matter.
PHILIP And whom did you ever conquer that was worth conquering? Your adversaries were ever timid creatures, with their bows and their targets and their wicker shields. It was other work conquering the Greeks: Boeotians, Phocians, Athenians; Arcadian hoplites, Thessalian cavalry, javelin-men from Elis, peltasts of Mantinea; Thracians, Illyrians, Paeonians; to subdue these was something. But for gold-laced womanish Medes and Persians and Chaldaeans,—why, it had been done before: did you never hear of the expedition of the Ten Thousand under Clearchus? and how the enemy would not even come to blows with them, but ran away before they were within bow-shot?
ALEXANDER Still, there were the Scythians, father, and the Indian elephants; they were no joke. And my conquests were not gained by dissension or treachery; I broke no oath, no promise, nor ever purchased victory at the expense of honour. As to the Greeks, most of them joined me without a struggle; and I dare say you have heard how I handled Thebes.
PHILIP I know all about that; I had it from Clitus, whom you ran through the body, in the middle of dinner, because he presumed to mention my achievements in the same breath with yours. They tell me too that you took to aping the manners of your conquered Medes; abandoned the Macedonian cloak in favour of the candys, assumed the upright tiara, and exacted oriental prostrations from Macedonian freemen! This is delicious. As to your brilliant matches, and your beloved Hephaestion, and your scholars in lions’ cages,—the less said the better. I have only heard one thing to your credit: you respected the person of Darius’s beautiful wife, and you provided for his mother and daughters; there you acted like a king.
ALEXANDER And have you nothing to say of my adventurous spirit, father, when I was the first to leap down within the ramparts of Oxydracae, and was covered with wounds?
PHILIP Not a word. Not that it is a bad thing, in my opinion, for a king to get wounded occasionally, and to face danger at the head of his troops: but this was the last thing that you were called upon to do. You were passing for a God; and your being wounded, and carried off the field on a litter, bleeding and groaning, could only excite the ridicule of the spectators: Ammon stood convicted of quackery, his oracle of falsehood, his priests of flattery. The son of Zeus in a swoon, requiring medical assistance! who could help laughing at the sight? And now that you have died, can you doubt that many a jest is being cracked on the subject of your divinity, as men contemplate the God’s corpse laid out for burial, and already going the way of all flesh? Besides, your achievements lose half their credit from this very circumstance which you say was so useful in facilitating your conquests: nothing you did could come up to your divine reputation.
Ἀλέξανδρος οὐ ταῦτα φρονοῦσιν οἱ ἄνθρωποι περὶ ἐμοῦ, ἀλλὰ Ἡρακλεῖ καὶ Διονύσῳ ἐνάμιλλον τιθέασί με. καίτοι τὴν Ἄορνον ἐκείνην, οὐδετέρου ἐκείνων λαβόντος, ἐγὼ μόνος ἐχειρωσάμην.
φιλόσοφος ὁρᾷς ὅτι ταῦτα ὡς υἱὸς Ἄμμωνος λέγεις, ὃς Ἡρακλεῖ καὶ Διονύσῳ παραβάλλεις ἑαυτόν; καὶ οὐκ αἰσχύνῃ, ὦ Ἀλέξανδρε, οὐδὲ τὸν τῦφον ἀπομαθήσῃ καὶ γνώσῃ σεαυτὸν καὶ συνήσῃ ἤδη νεκρὸς ὤν;
ALEXANDER The world thinks otherwise. I am ranked with Heracles and Dionysus; and, for that matter, I took Aornos, which was more than either of them could do.
PHILIP There spoke the son of Ammon. Heracles and Dionysus, indeed! You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Alexander; when will you learn to drop that bombast, and know yourself for the shade that you are?
Διογένης τί τοῦτο, ὦ Ἀλέξανδρε; καὶ συ τέθνηκας ὥσπερ καὶ ἡμεῖς ἅπαντες;
Ἀλέξανδρος ὁρᾷς, ὦ Διόγενες· οὐ παράδοξον δέ, εἰ ἄνθρωπος ὢν ἀπέθανον.
Διογένης οὐκοῦν ὁ Ἄμμων ἐψεύδετο λέγων ἑαυτοῦ σε εἶναι, σὺ δὲ Φιλίππου ἄρα ἦσθα;
Ἀλέξανδρος Φιλίππου δηλαδή· οὐ γὰρ ἂν ἐτεθνήκειν Ἄμμωνος ὤν.
Διογένης καὶ μὴν καὶ περὶ τῆς Ὀλυμπιάδος ὅμοια ἐλέγετο, δράκοντα ὁμιλεῖν αὐτῇ καὶ βλέπεσθαι ἐν τῇ εὐνῇ, εἶτα οὕτω σε τεχθῆναι, τὸν δὲ Φίλιππον ἐξηπατῆσθαι οἰόμενον παρʼ ἑαυτοῦ σε εἶναι.
Ἀλέξανδρος κἀγὼ ταῦτα ἤκουον ὥσπερ σύ, νῦν δὲ ὁρῶ, ὅτι οὐδὲν ὑγιὲς οὔτε ἡ μήτηρ οὔτε οἱ τῶν Ἀμμωνίων προφῆται ἔλεγον.
Διογένης ἀλλὰ τὸ ψεῦδος αὐτῶν οὐκ ἄχρηστόν σοι, ὦ Ἀλέξανδρε, πρὸς τὰ πράγματα ἐγένετο· πολλοὶ γὰρ ὑπέπτησσον θεὸν εἶναί σε νομίζοντες.
Διογένης ἀτὰρ εἰπέ μοι, τίνι τὴν τοσαύτην ἀρχὴν καταλέλοιπας;
Ἀλέξανδρος οὐκ οἶδα, ὦ Διόνενες· οὐ γὰρ ἔφθασα ἐπισκῆψαί τι περὶ αὐτῆς ἢ τοῦτο μόνον, ὅτι ἀποθνήσκων Περδίκκᾳ τὸν δακτύλιον ἐπέδωκα. πλὴν ἀλλὰ τί γελᾷς, ὦ Διόγενες;
Διογένης τί γὰρ ἄλλο ἢ ἀνεμνήσθην οἷα ἐποίει ἡ Ἑλλάς, ἄρτι σε παρειληφότα τὴν ἀρχὴν κολακεύοντες καὶ προστάτην αἱρούμενοι καὶ στρατηγὸν ἐπὶ τοὺς βαρβάρους, ἔνιοι δὲ καὶ τοῖς δώδεκα θεοῖς προστιθέντες καὶ οἰκοδομοῦντές σοι νεὼς καὶ θύοντες ὡς δράκοντος υἱῷ.
Διογένης ἀλλʼ εἰπέ μοι, ποῦ σε οἱ Μακεδόνες ἔθαψαν;
Ἀλέξανδρος ἔτι ἐν Βαβυλῶνι κεῖμαι τριακοστὴν ταύτην ἡμέραν, ὑπισχνεῖται δὲ Πτολεμαῖος ὁ ὑπασπιστής, ἤν ποτε ἀγάγῃ σχολὴν ἀπὸ τῶν θορύβων τῶν ἐν ποσίν, ἐς Αἴγυπτον ἀπαγαγὼν θάψειν ἐκεῖ, ὡς γενοίμην εἷς τῶν Αἰγυπτίων θεῶν.
Διογένης μὴ γελάσω οὖν, ὦ Ἀλέξανδρε, ὁρῶν καὶ ἐν ᾅδου ἔτι σε μωραίνοντα καὶ ἐλπίζοντα Ἄνουβιν ἢ Ὄσιριν γενήσεσθαι; πλὴν ἀλλὰ ταῦτα μέν, ὦ θειότατε, μὴ ἐλπίσῃς· οὐ γὰρ θέμις ἀνελθεῖν τινα τῶν ἅπαξ διαπλευσάντων τὴν λίμνην καὶ ἐς τὸ εἴσω τοῦ στομίου παρελθόντων· οὐ γὰρ ἀμελὴς ὁ Αἰακὸς οὐδʼ ὁ Κέρβερος εὐκαταφρόνητος.
Διογένης ἐκεῖνο δέ γε ἡδέως ἂν μάθοιμι παρὰ σοῦ, πῶς φέρεις, ὁπόταν ἐννοήσῃς, ὅσην εὐδαιμονίαν ὑπὲρ γῆς ἀπολιπὼν ἀφῖξαι, σωματοφύλακας καὶ ὑπασπιστὰς καὶ σατράπας καὶ χρυσὸν τοσοῦτον καὶ ἔθνη προσκυνοῦντα καὶ Βαβυλῶνα καὶ Βάκτρα καὶ τὰ μεγάλα θηρία καὶ τιμὴν καὶ δόξαν καὶ τὸ ἐπίσημον εἶναι ἐξελαύνοντα διαδεδεμένον ταινίᾳ λευκῇ τὴν κεφαλὴν πορφυρίδα ἐμπεπορπημένον. οὐ λυπεῖ ταῦτά σε ὑπὸ τὴν μνήμην ἰόντα; τί δακρύεις, ὦ μάταιε; οὐδὲ ταῦτά σε ὁ σοφὸς Ἀριστοτέλης ἐπαίδευσε μὴ οἴεσθαι βέβαια εἶναι τὰ παρὰ τῆς τύχης;
DIOGENES Dear me, Alexander, you dead like the rest of us?
ALEXANDER As you see, sir; is there anything extraordinary in a mortal’s dying?
DIOGENES So Ammon lied when he said you were his son; you were Philip’s after all.
ALEXANDER Apparently; if I had been Ammon’s, I should not have died.
DIOGENES Strange! there were tales of the same order about Olympias too. A serpent visited her, and was seen in her bed; we were given to understand that that was how you came into the world, and Philip made a mistake when he took you for his.
ALEXANDER Yes, I was told all that myself; however, I know now that my mother’s and the Ammon stories were all moonshine.
DIOGENES Their lies were of some practical value to you, though; your divinity brought a good many people to their knees. But now, whom did you leave your great empire to?
ALEXANDER Diogenes, I cannot tell you. I had no time to leave any directions about it, beyond just giving Perdiccas my ring as I died. Why are you laughing?
DIOGENES Oh, I was only thinking of the Greeks’ behaviour; directly you succeeded, how they flattered you! their elected patron, generalissimo against the barbarian; one of the twelve Gods according to some; temples built and sacrifices offered to the Serpent’s son! If I may ask, where did your Macedonians bury you?
ALEXANDER I have lain in Babylon a full month to-day; and Ptolemy of the Guards is pledged, as soon as he can get a moment’s respite from present disturbances, to take and bury me in Egypt, there to be reckoned among the Gods.
DIOGENES I have some reason to laugh, you see; still nursing vain hopes of developing into an Osiris or Anubis! Pray, your Godhead, put these expectations from you; none may re-ascend who has once sailed the lake and penetrated our entrance; Aeacus is watchful, and Cerberus an awkward customer. But there is one thing I wish you would tell me: how do you like thinking over all the earthly bliss you left to come here—your guards and armour-bearers and lieutenant-governors, your heaps of gold and adoring peoples, Babylon and Bactria, your huge elephants, your honour and glory, those conspicuous drives with white-cinctured locks and clasped purple cloak? does the thought of them hurt? What, crying? silly fellow! did not your wise Aristotle include in his instructions any hint of the insecurity of fortune’s favours?
Ἀλέξανδρος ὁ σοφός; ἁπάντων ἐκεῖνος κολάκων ἐπιτριπτότατος ὤν. ἐμὲ μόνον ἔασον τὰ Ἀριστοτέλους εἰδέναι, ὅσα μὲν ᾔτησε παρʼ ἐμοῦ, οἷα δὲ ἐπέστελλεν, ὡς δὲ κατεχρῆτό μου τῇ περὶ παιδείαν φιλοτιμίᾳ θωπεύων καὶ ἐπαινῶν ἄρτι μὲν πρὸς τὸ κάλλος, ὡς καὶ τοῦτο μέρος ὂν τἀγαθοῦ, ἄρτι δὲ ἐς τὰς πράξεις καὶ τὸν πλοῦτον. καὶ γὰρ αὖ καὶ τοῦτο ἀγαθὸν ἡγεῖτο εἶναι, ὡς μὴ αἰσχύνοιτο καὶ αὑτὸς λαμβάνων· γόης, ὦ Διόγενες, ἄνθρωπος καὶ τεχνίτης. πλὴν ἀλλὰ τοῦτό γε ἀπολέλαυκα αὐτοῦ τῆς σοφίας, τὸ λυπεῖσθαι ὡς ἐπὶ μεγίστοις ἀγαθοῖς ἐκείνοις. ἃ κατηριθμήσω μικρῷ γε ἔμπροσθεν.
Διογένης ἀλλʼ οἶσθα ὃ δράσεις; ἄκος γάρ σοι τῆς λύπης ὑποθήσομαι. ἐπεὶ ἐνταῦθά γε ἐλλέβορος οὐ φύε ται, σὺ δὲ κἂν τὸ Λήθης ὕδωρ χανδὸν ἐπισπασάμενος πίε καὶ αὖθις πίε καὶ πολλάκις· οὕτως γὰρ παύσῃ ἐπὶ τοῖς Ἀριστοτέλους ἀγαθοῖς ἀνιώμενος. καὶ γὰρ Κλεῖτον ἐκεῖνον ὁρῶ καὶ Καλλισθένην καὶ ἄλλους πολλοὺς ἐπὶ σὲ ὁρμῶντας, ὡς διασπάσαιντο καὶ ἀμύναιντό σε ὧν ἔδρασας αὐτούς. ὥστε τὴν ἑτέραν σὺ ταύτην βάδιζε καὶ πῖνε πολλάκις, ὡς ἔφην.
ALEXANDER Wise? call him the craftiest of all flatterers. Allow me to know a little more than other people about Aristotle; his requests and his letters came to my address; I know how he profited by my passion for culture; how he would toady and compliment me, to be sure! now it was my beauty—that too is included under The Good; now it was my deeds and my money; for money too he called a Good—he meant that he was not going to be ashamed of taking it. Ah, Diogenes, an impostor; and a past master at it too. For me, the result of his wisdom is that I am distressed for the things you catalogued just now, as if I had lost in them the chief Goods.
DIOGENES Wouldst know thy course? I will prescribe for your distress. Our flora, unfortunately, does not include hellebore; but you take plenty of Lethe-water—good, deep, repeated draughts; that will relieve your distress over the Aristotelian Goods. Quick; here are Clitus, Callisthenes, and a lot of others making for you; they mean to tear you in pieces and pay you out. Here, go the opposite way; and remember, repeated draughts.
Ἑρμῆς λογισώμεθα, ὦ πορθμεῦ, εἰ δοκεῖ, ὁπόσα μοι ὀφείλεις ἤδη, ὅπως μὴ αὖθις ἐρίζωμέν τι περὶ αὐτῶν.
Χάρων λογισώμεθα, ὦ Ἑρμῆ· ἄμεινον γὰρ ὡρίσθαι καὶ ἀπραγμονέστερον.
Ἑρμῆς ἄγκυραν ἐντειλαμένῳ ἐκόμισα πέντε δραχμῶν.
Χάρων πολλοῦ λέγεις.
Ἑρμῆς νὴ τὸν Ἀϊδωνέα, τῶν πέντε ὠνησάμην, καὶ τροπωτῆρα δύο ὀβολῶν.
Χάρων τίθει πέντε δραχμὰς καὶ ὀβολοὺς δύο.
Ἑρμῆς καὶ ἀκέστραν ὑπὲρ τοῦ ἱστίου· πέντε ὀβολοὺς ἐγὼ κατέβαλον.
Χάρων καὶ τούτους προστίθει.
Ἑρμῆς καὶ κηρὸν ὡς ἐπιπλάσαι τοῦ σκαφιδίου τὰ ἀνεῳγότα καὶ ἥλους δὲ καὶ καλώδιον, ἀφʼ οὗ τὴν ὑπέραν ἐποίησας, δύο δραχμῶν ἅπαντα.
Χάρων καὶ ἄξια ταῦτα ὠνήσω.
Ἑρμῆς ταῦτά ἐστιν, εἰ μή τι ἄλλο ἡμᾶς διέλαθεν ἐν τῷ λογισμῷ. πότε δʼ οὖν ταῦτα ἀποδώσειν φής;
Χάρων νῦν μέν, ὦ Ἑρμῆ, ἀδύνατον, ἢν δὲ λοιμός τις ἢ πόλεμος καταπέμψῃ ἀθρόους τινάς, ἐνέσται τότε ἀποκερδᾶναι παραλογιζόμενον τὰ πορθμεῖα.
Ἑρμῆς νῦν οὖν ἐγὼ καθεδοῦμαι τὰ κάκιστα εὐχόμενος γενέσθαι, ὡς ἂν ἀπὸ τούτων ἀπολάβοιμι;
Χάρων οὐκ ἔστιν ἄλλως, ὦ Ἑρμῆ. νῦν δὲ ὀλίγοι, ὡς ὁρᾷς, ἀφικνοῦνται ἡμῖν· εἰρήνη γάρ.
Ἑρμῆς ἄμεινον οὕτως, εἰ καὶ ἡμῖν παρατείνοιτο ὑπὸ σοῦ τὸ ὄφλημα. πλὴν ἀλλʼ οἱ μὲν παλαιοί, ὦ Χάρων, οἶσθα οἷοι παρεγίγνοντο, ἀνδρεῖοι ἅπαντες, αἵματος ἀνάπλεῳ καὶ τραυματίαι οἱ πολλοί· νῦν δὲ ἢ φαρμάκῳ τις ὑπὸ τοῦ παιδὸς ἀποθανὼν ἢ ὑπὸ τῆς γυναικὸς ἢ ὑπὸ τρυφῆς ἐξῳδηκὼς τὴν γαστέρα καὶ τὰ σκέλη, ὠχροὶ ἅπαντες καὶ ἀγεννεῖς, οὐδὲν ὅμοιοι ἐκείνοις. οἱ δὲ πλεῖστοι αὐτῶν διὰ χρήματα ἥκουσιν ἐπιβουλεύοντες ἀλλήλοις, ὡς ἐοίκασι.
Χάρων πάνυ γὰρ περιπόθητά ἐστι ταῦτα.
Ἑρμῆς οὐκοῦν οὐδʼ ἐγὼ δόξαιμι ἂν ἁμαρτάνειν πικρῶς ἀπαιτῶν τὰ ὀφειλόμενα παρὰ σοῦ.
HERMES Ferryman, what do you say to settling up accounts? It will prevent any unpleasantness later on.
CHARON Very good. It does save trouble to get these things straight.
HERMES One anchor, to your order, five shillings.
CHARON That is a lot of money.
HERMES So help me Pluto, it is what I had to pay. One rowlock-strap, fourpence.
CHARON Five and four; put that down.
HERMES Then there was a needle, for mending the sail; ten-pence.
CHARON Down with it.
HERMES Caulking-wax; nails; and cord for the brace. Two shillings the lot.
CHARON They were worth the money.
HERMES That’s all; unless I have forgotten anything. When will you pay it?
CHARON I can’t just now, Hermes; we shall have a war or a plague presently, and then the passengers will come shoaling in, and I shall be able to make a little by jobbing the fares.
HERMES So for the present I have nothing to do but sit down, and pray for the worst, as my only chance of getting paid?
CHARON There is nothing else for it;—very little business doing just now, as you see, owing to the peace.
HERMES That is just as well, though it does keep me waiting for my money. After all, though, Charon, in old days men were men; you remember the state they used to come down in,—all blood and wounds generally. Nowadays, a man is poisoned by his slave or his wife; or gets dropsy from overfeeding; a pale, spiritless lot, nothing like the men of old. Most of them seem to meet their end in some plot that has money for its object.
CHARON Ah; money is in great request.
HERMES Yes; you can’t blame me if I am somewhat urgent for payment.
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