Μένιππος πρὸς τοῦ Πλούτωνος, ὦ Αἰακέ, περιήγησαί μοι τὰ ἐν ᾅδου πάντα.
Αἰακός οὐ ῥᾴδιον, ὦ Μένιππε, ἅπαντα· ὅσα μέντοι κεφαλαιώδη, μάνθανε· οὑτοσὶ μὲν ὅτι Κέρβερός ἐστιν οἶσθα, καὶ τὸν πορθμέα τοῦτον, ὅς σε διεπέρασε, καὶ τὴν λίμνην καὶ τὸν Πυριφλεγέθοντα ἤδη ἑώρακας ἐσιών.
Μένιππος οἶδα ταῦτα καὶ σέ, ὅτι πυλωρεῖς, καὶ τὸν βασιλέα εἶδον καὶ τὰς Ἐρινῦς· τοὺς δὲ ἀνθρώπους μοι τοὺς πάλαι δεῖξον καὶ μάλιστα τοὺς ἐνδόξους αὐτῶν.
Αἰακός οὗτος μὲν Ἀγαμέμνων, οὗτος δὲ Ἀχιλλεύς, οὗτος δὲ Ἰδομενεὺς πλησίον, οὗτος δὲ Ὀδυσσεύς, εἶτα Αἴας καὶ Διομήδης καὶ οἱ ἄριστοι τῶν Ἑλλήνων.
Μένιππος βαβαῖ, ὦ Ὅμηρε, οἷά σοι τῶν ῥαψῳδιῶν τὰ κεφάλαια χαμαὶ ἔρριπται ἄγνωστα καὶ ἄμορφα, κόνις πάντα καὶ λῆρος πολύς, ἀμενηνὰ ὡς ἀληθῶς κάρηνα οὗτος δέ, ὦ Αἰακέ, τίς ἐστι;
Αἰακός Κῦρός ἐστιν· οὗτος δὲ Κροῖσος, ὁ δʼ ὑπὲρ αὐτὸν Σαρδανάπαλλος, ὁ δʼ ὑπὲρ τούτους Μίδας, ἐκεῖνος δὲ Ξέρξης.
Μένιππος εἶτα σέ, ὦ κάθαρμα, ἡ Ἑλλὰς ἔφριττε ζευγνύντα μὲν τὸν Ἑλλήσποντον, διὰ δὲ τῶν ὀρῶν πλεῖν ἐπιθυμοῦντα; οἷος δὲ καὶ ὁ Κροῖσός ἐστι. τὸν Σαρδανάπαλλον δέ, ὦ Αἰακέ, πατάξαι μοι κατὰ κόρρης ἐπίτρεψον.
Αἰακός μηδαμῶς· διαθρύπτεις γὰρ αὐτοῦ τὸ κρανίον γυναικεῖον ὄν.
Μένιππος οὐκοῦν ἀλλὰ προσπτύσομαί γε πάντως ἀνδρογύνῳ γε ὄντι.
Αἰακός βούλει σοὶ ἐπιδείξω καὶ τοὺς σοφούς;
Μένιππος νὴ Δία γε.
Αἰακός πρῶτος οὗτός σοι ὁ Πυθαγόρας ἐστί.
Μένιππος χαῖρε, ὦ Εὔφορβε ἢ Ἄπολλον ἢ ὅ τι ἂν ἐθέλῃς.
Πυθαγόρας νὴ Δία καὶ σύ γε, ὦ Μένιππε.
Μένιππος οὐκέτι χρυσοῦς ὁ μηρός ἐστί σοι;
Πυθαγόρας οὐ γάρ· ἀλλὰ φέρε ἴδω εἴ τί σοι ἐδώδιμον ἡ πήρα ἔχει.
Μένιππος κυάμους, ὦγαθέ· ὥστε οὐ τοῦτό σοι ἐδώδιμον.
Πυθαγόρας δὸς μόνον· ἄλλα παρὰ νεκροῖς δόγματα· ἔμαθον γάρ, ὡς οὐδὲν ἴσον κύαμοι καὶ κεφαλαὶ τοκήων ἐνθάδε.
MENIPPUS In Pluto’s name, Aeacus, show me all the sights of Hades.
AEACUS That would be rather an undertaking, Menippus. However, you shall see the principal things. Cerberus here you know already, and the ferryman who brought you over. And you saw the Styx on your way, and Pyriphlegethon.
MENIPPUS Yes, and you are the gate-keeper; I know all that; and I have seen the King and the Furies. But show me the men of ancient days, especially the celebrities.
AEACUS This is Agamemnon; this is Achilles; near him, Idomeneus; next comes Odysseus; then Ajax, Diomede, and all the great Greeks.
MENIPPUS Why, Homer, Homer, what is this? All your great heroes flung down upon the earth, shapeless, undistinguishable; mere meaningless dust; ‘strengthless heads,’ and no mistake.—Who is this one, Aeacus?
AEACUS That is Cyrus; and here is Croesus; beyond him Sardanapalus, and beyond him again Midas. And yonder is Xerxes.
MENIPPUS Ha! and it was before this creature that Greece trembled? this is our yoker of Hellesponts, our designer of Athos-canals?—Croesus too! a sad spectacle! As to Sardanapalus, I will lend him a box on the ear, with your permission.
AEACUS And crack his skull, poor dear! Certainly not.
MENIPPUS Then I must content myself with spitting in his ladyship’s face.
AEACUS Would you like to see the philosophers?
MENIPPUS I should like it of all things.
AEACUS First comes Pythagoras.
MENIPPUS Good-day, Euphorbus, alias Apollo, alias what you will.
PYTHAGORAS Good-day, Menippus.
MENIPPUS What, no golden thigh nowadays?
PYTHAGORAS Why, no. I wonder if there is anything to eat in that wallet of yours?
MENIPPUS Beans, friend; you don’t like beans.
PYTHAGORAS Try me. My principles have changed with my quarters. I find that down here our parents’ heads are in no way connected with beans.
Αἰακός οὗτος δὲ Σόλων ὁ Ἐξηκεστίδου καὶ Θαλῆς ἐκεῖνος καὶ παρʼ αὐτοὺς Πιττακὸς καὶ οἱ ἄλλοι· ἑπτὰ δὲ πάντες εἰσὶν ὡς ὁρᾷς.
Μένιππος ἄλυποι, ὦ Αἰακέ, οὗτοι μόνοι καὶ φαιδροὶ τῶν ἄλλων. ὁ δὲ σποδοῦ πλέως ὥσπερ ἐγκρυφίας ἄρτος, ὁ τὰς φλυκταίνας ἐξηνθηκώς, τίς ἐστιν;
Αἰακός Ἐμπεδοκλῆς, ὦ Μένιππε, ἡμίεφθος ἀπὸ τῆς Αἴτνης παρών.
Μένιππος ὦ χαλκόπου βέλτιστε, τί παθὼν σαυτὸν ἐς τοὺς κρατῆρας ἐνέβαλες;
Ἐμπεδοκλῆς Μελαγχολία τις, ὦ Μένιππε.
Μένιππος οὐ μὰ Δίʼ, ἀλλὰ κενοδοξία καὶ τῦφος καὶ πολλὴ κόρυζα, ταῦτά σε ἀπηνθράκωσεν αὐταῖς κρηπῖσιν οὐκ ἀνάξιον ὄντα· πλὴν ἀλλʼ οὐδέν σε τὸ σόφισμα ὤνησεν· ἐφωράθης γὰρ τεθνεώς. ὁ Σωκράτης δέ, ὦ Αἰακέ, ποῦ ποτε ἄρα ἐστίν;
Αἰακός μετὰ Νέστορος καὶ Παλαμήδους ἐκεῖνος ληρεῖ τὰ πολλά.
Μένιππος ὅμως ἐβουλόμην ἰδεῖν αὐτόν, εἴ που ἐνθάδε ἐστίν.
Αἰακός ὁρᾷς τὸν φαλακρόν;
Μένιππος ἅπαντες φαλακροί εἰσιν· ὥστε πάντων ἂν εἴη τοῦτο τὸ γνώρισμα.
Αἰακός τὸν σιμὸν λέγω.
Μένιππος καὶ τοῦτο ὅμοιον· σιμοὶ γὰρ ἅπαντες.
Σωκράτης ἐμὲ ζητεῖς, ὦ Μένιππε;
Μένιππος καὶ μάλα, ὦ Σώκρατες.
Σωκράτης τί τὰ ἐν Ἀθήναις;
Μένιππος πολλοὶ τῶν νέων φιλοσοφεῖν λέγουσι, καὶ τά γε σχήματα αὐτὰ καὶ τὰ βαδίσματα εἰ θεάσαιτό τις, ἄκροι φιλόσοφοι.
Σωκράτης μάλα πολλοὺς ἑώρακα.
Μένιππος ἀλλὰ ἑώρακας, οἶμαι, οἷος ἧκε παρὰ σοὶ Ἀρίστιππος καὶ Πλάτων αὐτός, ὁ μὲν ἀποπνέων μύρου, ὁ δὲ τοὺς ἐν Σικελίᾳ τυράννους θεραπεύειν ἐκμαθών.
Σωκράτης περὶ ἐμοῦ δὲ τί φρονοῦσιν;
Μένιππος εὐδαίμων, ὦ Σώκρατες, ἄνθρωπος εἶ τά γε τοιαῦτα· πάντες γοῦν σε θαυμάσιον οἴονται ἄνδρα γεγενῆσθαι καὶ πάντα ἐγνωκέναι καὶ ταῦτα — δεῖ γάρ, οἶμαι, τἀληθῆ λέγειν — οὐδὲν εἰδότα.
Σωκράτης καὶ αὐτὸς ἔφασκον ταῦτα πρὸς αὐτούς, οἱ δὲ εἰρωνείαν ᾤοντο τὸ πρᾶγμα εἶναι.
Μένιππος τίνες δέ εἰσιν οὗτοι οἱ περὶ δέ;
Σωκράτης Χαρμίδης, ὦ Μένιππε, καὶ Φαῖδρος καὶ ὁ τοῦ Κλεινίου.
Μένιππος εὖ γε, ὦ Σώκρατες, ὅτι κἀνταῦθα μέτει τὴν σαυτοῦ τέχνην καὶ οὐκ ὀλιγωρεῖς τῶν καλῶν.
Σωκράτης τί γὰρ ἂν ἄλλο ἥδιον πράττοιμι; ἀλλὰ πλησίον ἡμῶν κατάκεισο, εἰ δοκεῖ.
Μένιππος μὰ Δίʼ, ἐπεὶ παρὰ τὸν Κροῖσον καὶ τὸν Σαρδανάπαλλον ἄπειμι πλησίον οἰκήσων αὐτῶν· ἔοικα γοῦν οὐκ ὀλίγα γελάσεσθαι οἰμωζόντων ἀκούων.
Αἰακός κἀγὼ ἤδη ἄπειμι, μὴ καί τις ἡμᾶς νεκρῶν λάθῃ διαφυγών. τὰ λοιπὰ δʼ ἐσαῦθις ὄψει, ὦ Μένιππε.
Μένιππος ἄπιθι· καὶ ταυτὶ γὰρ ἱκανά, ὦ Αἰακέ.
AEACUS Here is Solon, the son of Execestides, and there is Thales. By them are Pittacus, and the rest of the sages, seven in all, as you see.
MENIPPUS The only resigned and cheerful countenances yet. Who is the one covered with ashes, like a loaf baked in the embers? He is all over blisters.
AEACUS That is Empedocles. He was half-roasted when he got here from Etna.
MENIPPUS Tell me, my brazen-slippered friend, what induced you to jump into the crater?
EMPEDOCLES I did it in a fit of melancholy.
MENIPPUS Not you. Vanity, pride, folly; these were what burnt you up, slippers and all; and serve you right. All that ingenuity was thrown away, too: your death was detected.—Aeacus, where is Socrates?
AEACUS He is generally talking nonsense with Nestor and Palamedes.
MENIPPUS But I should like to see him, if he is anywhere about.
AEACUS You see the bald one?
MENIPPUS They are all bald; that is a distinction without a difference.
AEACUS The snub-nosed one.
MENIPPUS There again: they are all snub-nosed.
SOCRATES Do you want me, Menippus?
MENIPPUS The very man I am looking for.
SOCRATES How goes it in Athens?
MENIPPUS There are a great many young men there professing philosophy; and to judge from their dress and their walk, they should be perfect in it.
SOCRATES I have seen many such.
MENIPPUS For that matter, I suppose you saw Aristippus arrive, reeking with scent; and Plato, the polished flatterer from Sicilian courts?
SOCRATES And what do they think about me in Athens?
MENIPPUS Ah, you are fortunate in that respect. You pass for a most remarkable man, omniscient in fact. And all the time—if the truth must out—you know absolutely nothing.
SOCRATES I told them that myself: but they would have it that that was my irony.
MENIPPUS And who are your friends?
SOCRATES Charmides; Phaedrus; the son of Clinias.
MENIPPUS Ha, ha! still at your old trade; still an admirer of beauty.
SOCRATES How could I be better occupied? Will you join us?
MENIPPUS No, thank you; I am off, to take up my quarters by Croesus and Sardanapalus. I expect huge entertainment from their outcries.
AEACUS I must be off, too; or some one may escape. You shall see the rest another day, Menippus.
MENIPPUS I need not detain you. I have seen enough.
Μένιππος τί κλάεις, ὦ Τάνταλε; ἢ τί σεαυτὸν ὀδύρῃ ἐπὶ τῇ λίμνῃ ἑστώς;
Τάνταλος ὅτι, ὦ Μένιππε, ἀπόλωλα ὑπὸ τοῦ δίψους.
Μένιππος οὕτως ἀργὸς εἶ, ὡς μὴ ἐπικύψας πιεῖν ἢ καὶ νη Δίʼ αρυσάμενος κοίλῃ τῇ χειρί;
Τάνταλος οὐδὲν ὄφελος, εἰ ἐπικύψαιμι· φεύγει γὰρ τὸ ὕδωρ, ἐπειδὰν προσιόντα αἴσθηταί με· ἢν δέ ποτε καὶ ἀρύσωμαι καὶ προσενέγκω τῷ στόματι, οὐ φθάνω βρέξας ἄκρον τὸ χεῖλος, καὶ διὰ τῶν δακτύλων διαρρυὲν οὐκ οἶδʼ ὅπως αὖθις ἀπολείπει ξηρὰν τὴν χεῖρά μοι.
Μένιππος τεράστιόν τι πάσχεις, ὦ Τάνταλε. ἀτὰρ εἰπέ μοι, τί δαὶ καὶ δέῃ τοῦ πιεῖν; οὐ γὰρ σῶμα ἔχεις, ἀλλʼ ἐκεῖνο μὲν ἐν Λυδίᾳ που τέθαπται, ὅπερ καὶ πεινῆν καὶ διψῆν ἐδύνατο, σὺ δὲ ἡ ψυχὴ πῶς ἂν ἔτι ἢ διψῴης ἢ πίνοις;
Τάνταλος τοῦτʼ αὐτὸ ἡ κόλασίς ἐστι, τὸ διψῆν τὴν ψυχὴν ὡς σῶμα οὖσαν.
Μένιππος ἀλλὰ τοῦτο μὲν οὕτως πιστεύσομεν, ἐπεὶ φὴς κολάζεσθαι τῷ δίψει. τί δʼ οὖν σοι τὸ δεινὸν ἔσται; ἢ δέδιας μὴ ἐνδείᾳ τοῦ ποτοῦ ἀποθάνῃς; οὐχ ὁρῶ γὰρ ἄλλον ᾅδην μετὰ τοῦτον ἢ θάνατον ἐντεῦθεν εἰς ἕτερον τόπον.
Τάνταλος ὀρθῶς μὲν λέγεις· καὶ τοῦτο δʼ οὖν μέρος τῆς καταδίκης, τὸ ἐπιθυμεῖν πιεῖν μηδὲν δεόμενον.
Μένιππος ληρεῖς, ὦ Τάνταλε, καὶ ὡς ἀληθῶς ποτοῦ δεῖσθαι δοκεῖς, ἀκράτου γε ἐλλεβόρου νὴ Δία, ὅστις τοὐναντίον τοῖς ὑπὸ τῶν λυττώντων κυνῶν δεδηγμένοις πέπονθας οὐ τὸ ὕδωρ, ἀλλὰ τὴν δίψαν πεφοβημένος.
Τάνταλος οὐδὲ τὸν ἐλλέβορον, ὦ Μένιππε, ἀναίνομαι πιεῖν, γένοιτό μοι μόνον.
Μένιππος θάρρει, ὦ Τάνταλε, ὡς οὔτε σὺ οὔτε ἄλλος πίεται τῶν νεκρῶν· ἀδύνατον γάρ· καίτοι οὐ πάντες ὥσπερ σὺ ἐκ καταδίκης διψῶσι τοῦ ὕδατος αὐτοὺς οὐχ ὑπομένοντος.
MENIPPUS What are you crying out about, Tantalus? standing at the edge and whining like that!
TANTALUS Ah, Menippus, I thirst, I perish!
MENIPPUS What, not enterprise enough to bend down to it, or scoop up some in your palm?
TANTALUS It is no use bending down; the water shrinks away as soon as it sees me coming. And if I do scoop it up and get it to my mouth, the outside of my lips is hardly moist before it has managed to run through my fingers, and my hand is as dry as ever.
MENIPPUS A very odd experience, that. But by the way, why do you want to drink? you have no body—the part of you that was liable to hunger and thirst is buried in Lydia somewhere; how can you, the spirit, hunger or thirst any more?
TANTALUS Therein lies my punishment—soul thirsts as if it were body.
MENIPPUS Well, let that pass, as you say thirst is your punishment. But why do you mind it? are you afraid of dying, for want of drink? I do not know of any second Hades; can you die to this one, and go further?
TANTALUS No, that is quite true. But you see this is part of the sentence: I must long for drink, though I have no need of it.
MENIPPUS There is no meaning in that. There is a draught you need, though; some neat hellebore is what you want; you are suffering from a converse hydrophobia; you are not afraid of water, but you are of thirst.
TANTALUS I would as lief drink hellebore as anything, if I could but drink.
MENIPPUS Never fear, Tantalus; neither you nor any other ghost will ever do that; it is impossible, you see; just as well we have not all got a penal thirst like you, with the water running away from us.
Μένιππος ἤκουσα, ὦ Χείρων, ὡς θεὸς ὢν ἐπιθυμήσειας ἀποθανεῖν.
Χείρων ἀληθῆ ταῦτα ἤκουσας, ὦ Μένιππε, καὶ τέθνηκα, ὡς ὁρᾷς, ἀθάνατος εἶναι δυνάμενος.
Μένιππος τίς δαί σε ἔρως τοῦ θανάτου ἔσχεν, ἀνεράστου τοῖς πολλοῖς χρήματος;
Χείρων ἐρῶ πρὸς σὲ οὐκ ἀσύνετον ὄντα. οὐκ ἦν ἔτι ἡδὺ ἀπολαύειν τῆς ἀθανασίας.
Μένιππος οὐχ ἡδὺ ἦν ζῶντα ὁρᾶν τὸ φῶς;
Χείρων οὔκ, ὦ Μένιππε· τὸ γὰρ ἡδὺ ἔγωγε ποικίλον τι καὶ οὐχ ἁπλοῦν ἡγοῦμαι εἶναι. ἐγὼ δὲ ζῶν ἀεὶ καὶ ἀπολαύων τῶν ὁμοίων, ἡλίου, φωτός, τροφῆς, αἱ ὧραι δὲ αἱ αὐταὶ καὶ τὰ γιγνόμενα ἅπαντα ἑξῆς ἕκαστον, ὥσπερ ἀκολουθοῦντα θάτερον θατέρῳ, ἐνεπλήσθην γοῦν αὐτῶν· οὐ γὰρ ἐν τῷ αὐτῷ ἀεί, ἀλλὰ καὶ ἐν τῷ μὴ μετασχεῖν ὅλως τὸ τερπνὸν ἦν.
Μένιππος εὖ λέγεις, ὦ Χείρων. τὰ ἐν ᾅδου δὲ πῶς φέρεις, ἀφʼ οὗ προελόμενος αὐτὰ ἥκεις;
Χείρων οὐκ ἀηδῶς, ὦ Μένιππε· ἡ γὰρ ἰσοτιμία πάνυ δημοτικὴ καὶ τὸ πρᾶγμα οὐδὲν ἔχει τὸ διάφορον ἐν φωτὶ εἶναι ἢ καὶ ἐν σκότῳ· ἄλλως τε οὔτε διψῆν ὥσπερ ἄνω οὔτε πεινῆν δεῖ, ἀλλʼ ἀνεπιδεεῖς τούτων ἁπάντων ἐσμέν.
Μένιππος ὅρα, ὦ Χείρων, μὴ περιπίπτῃς σεαυτῷ καὶ ἐς τὸ αὐτό σοι ὁ λόγος περιπέσῃ.
Χείρων πῶς τοῦτο φής;
Μένιππος ὅτι εἰ τῶν ἐν τῷ βίῳ τὸ ὅμοιον ἀεὶ καὶ ταὐτὸν ἐγένετό σοι προσκορές, καὶ τἀνταῦθα ὅμοια ὄντα προσκορῆ ὁμοίως ἂν γένοιτο, καὶ δεήσει μεταβολήν σε ζητεῖν τινα καὶ ἐντεῦθεν ἐς ἄλλον βίον, ὅπερ οἶμαι ἀδύνατον.
Χείρων τί οὖν ἂν πάθοι τις, ὦ Μένιππε;
Μένιππος ὅπερ, οἶμαι, φασί, συνετὸν ὄντα ἀρέσκεσθαι καὶ ἀγαπᾶν τοῖς παροῦσι καὶ μηδὲν αὐτῶν ἀφόρητον οἴεσθαι.
MENIPPUS I have heard that you were a god, Chiron, and that you died of your own choice?
CHIRON You were rightly informed. I am dead, as you see, and might have been immortal.
MENIPPUS And what should possess you, to be in love with Death? He has no charm for most people.
CHIRON You are a sensible fellow; I will tell you. There was no further satisfaction to be had from immortality.
MENIPPUS Was it not a pleasure merely to live and see the light?
CHIRON No; it is variety, as I take it, and not monotony, that constitutes pleasure. Living on and on, everything always the same; sun, light, food, spring, summer, autumn, winter, one thing following another in unending sequence,—I sickened of it all. I found that enjoyment lay not in continual possession; that deprivation had its share therein.
MENIPPUS Very true, Chiron. And how have you got on since you made Hades your home?
CHIRON Not unpleasantly. I like the truly republican equality that prevails; and as to whether one is in light or darkness, that makes no difference at all. Then again there is no hunger or thirst here; one is independent of such things.
MENIPPUS Take care, Chiron! You may be caught in the snare of your own reasonings.
CHIRON How should that be?
MENIPPUS Why, if the monotony of the other world brought on satiety, the monotony here may do the same. You will have to look about for a further change, and I fancy there is no third life procurable.
CHIRON Then what is to be done, Menippus?
MENIPPUS Take things as you find them, I suppose, like a sensible fellow, and make the best of everything.
Μένιππος ὦ Τειρεσία, εἰ μὲν καὶ τυφλὸς εἶ, οὐκέτι διαγνῶναι ῥᾴδιον· ἅπασι γὰρ ἡμῖν ὁμοίως τὰ ὄμματα κενά, μόνον δὲ αἱ χῶραι αὐτῶν· τὰ δʼ ἄλλα οὐκέτʼ ἂν εἰπεῖν ἔχοις, τίς ὁ Φινεὺς ἦν ἢ τίς ὁ Λυγκεύς. ὅτι μέντοι μάντις ἦσθα καὶ ὅτι ἀμφότερα ἐγένου μόνος καὶ ἀνὴρ καὶ γυνή, τῶν ποιητῶν ἀκούσας οἶδα. πρὸς τῶν θεῶν τοιγαροῦν εἰπέ μοι, ὁποτέρου ἐπειράθης ἡδίονος τῶν βίων, ὁπότε ἀνὴρ ἦσθα, ἢ ὁ γυναικεῖος ἀμείνων ἦν;
Τειρεσίας παρὰ πολύ, ὦ Μένιππε, ὁ γυναικεῖος· ἀπραγμονέστερος γὰρ. καὶ δεσπόζουσι τῶν ἀνδρῶν αι γυναῖκες, καὶ οὔτε πολεμεῖν ἀνάγκη αὐταῖς οὔτε παρʼ ἔπαλξιν ἑστάναι οὔτʼ ἐν ἐκκλησίᾳ διαφέρεσθαι οὔτʼ ἐν δικαστηρίοις ἐξετάζεσθαι.
Μένιππος οὐ γὰρ ἀκήκοας, ὦ Τειρεσία, τῆς Εὐριπίδου Μηδείας, οἷα εἶπεν οἰκτείρουσα τὸ γυναικεῖον, ὡς ἀθλίας οὔσας καὶ ἀφόρητόν τινα τὸν ἐκ τῶν ὠδίνων πόνον ὑφισταμένας; ἀτὰρ εἰπέ μοι, — ὑπέμνησε γάρ με τὰ τῆς Μηδείας ἰαμβεῖα — καὶ ἔτεκές ποτε, ὁπότε γυνὴ ἦσθα, ἢ στεῖρα καὶ ἄγονος διετέλεσας ἐν ἐκείνῳ τῷ βίῳ;
Τειρεσίας τί τοῦτο, Μένιππε, ἐρωτᾷς;
Μένιππος οὐδὲν χαλεπόν, ὦ Τειρεσία· πλὴν ἀπόκρίναι, εἴ σοι ῥᾴδιον.
Τειρεσίας οὐ στεῖρα μὲν ἤμην, οὐκ ἔτεκον δʼ ὅλως.
Μένιππος ἱκανὸν τοῦτο· εἰ γὰρ καὶ μήτραν εἶχες, ἐβουλόμην εἰδέναι.
Τειρεσίας εἶχον δηλαδή.
Μένιππος χρόνῳ δέ σοι ἡ μήτρα ἠφανίσθη καὶ τὸ μόριον τὸ γυναικεῖον ἀπεφράγη καὶ οἱ μαστοὶ ἀπεσπάσθησαν καὶ τὸ ἀνδρεῖον ἀνέφυ καὶ πώγωνα ἐξήνεγκας, ἢ αὐτίκα ἐκ γυναικὸς ἀνὴρ ἀνεφάνης;
Τειρεσίας οὐχ ὁρῶ τί σοι βούλεται τὸ ἐρώτημα· δοκεῖς δʼ οὖν μοι ἀπιστεῖν, εἰ τοῦθʼ οὕτως ἐγένετο.
Μένιππος οὐ χρὴ γὰρ ἀπιστεῖν, ὦ Τειρεσία, τοῖς τοιούτοις, ἀλλὰ καθάπερ τινὰ βλᾶκα μὴ ἐξετάζοντα, εἴτε δυνατά ἐστιν εἴτε καὶ μή, παραδέχεσθαι;
Τειρεσίας σὺ οὖν οὐδὲ τὰ ἄλλα πιστεύεις οὕτω γενέσθαι, ὁπόταν ἀκούσῃς ὅτι ὄρνεα ἐκ γυναικῶν ἐγένοντό τινες ἢ δένδρα ἢ θηρία, τὴν Ἀηδόνα ἢ τὴν Δάφνην ἢ τὴν τοῦ Λυκάονος θυγατέρα;
Μένιππος ἤν που κἀκείναις ἐντύχω, εἴσομαι ὅ τι καὶ λέγουσι. σὺ δέ, ὦ βέλτιστε, ὁπότε γυνὴ ἦσθα, καὶ ἐμαντεύου τότε ὥσπερ καὶ ὕστερον, ἢ ἅμα ἀνὴρ καὶ μάντις ἔμαθες εἶναι;
Τειρεσίας ὁρᾷς; ἀγνοεῖς τὰ περὶ ἐμοῦ ἅπαντα, ὡς καὶ διέλυσά τινα ἔριν τῶν θεῶν, καὶ ἡ μὲν Ἥρα ἐπήρωσέ με, ὁ δὲ Ζεὺς παρεμυθήσατο τῇ μαντικῇ τὴν συμφοράν.
Μένιππος ἔτι ἔχῃ, ὦ Τειρεσία, τῶν ψευσμάτων; ἀλλὰ κατὰ τοὺς μάντεις τοῦτο ποιεῖς· ἔθος γὰρ ὑμῖν μηδὲν ὑγιὲς λέγειν.
MENIPPUS Whether you are blind or not, Tiresias, would be a difficult question. Eyeless sockets are the rule among us; there is no telling Phineus from Lynceus nowadays. However, I know that you were a seer, and that you enjoy the unique distinction of having been both man and woman; I have it from the poets. Pray tell me which you found the more pleasant life, the man’s or the woman’s?
TIRESIAS The woman’s, by a long way; it was much less trouble. Women have the mastery of men; and there is no fighting for them, no manning of walls, no squabbling in the assembly, no cross-examination in the law-courts.
MENIPPUS Well, but you have heard how Medea, in Euripides, compassionates her sex on their hard lot—on the intolerable pangs they endure in travail? And by the way—Medea’s words remind me did you ever have a child, when you were a woman, or were you barren?
TIRESIAS What do you mean by that question, Menippus?
MENIPPUS Oh, nothing; but I should like to know, if it is no trouble to you.
TIRESIAS I was not barren: but I did not have a child, exactly.
MENIPPUS No; but you might have had. That’s all I wanted to know.
TIRESIAS Certainly.
MENIPPUS And your feminine characteristics gradually vanished, and you developed a beard, and became a man? Or did the change take place in a moment?
TIRESIAS Whither does your question tend? One would think you doubted the fact.
MENIPPUS And what should I do but doubt such a story? Am I to take it in, like a nincompoop, without asking myself whether it is possible or not?
TIRESIAS At that rate, I suppose you are equally incredulous when you hear of women being turned into birds or trees or beasts,—Aedon for instance, or Daphne, or Callisto?
MENIPPUS If I fall in with any of these ladies, I will see what they have to say about it. But to return, friend, to your own case: were you a prophet even in the days of your femininity? or did manhood and prophecy come together?
TIRESIAS Pooh, you know nothing of the matter. I once settled a dispute among the Gods, and was blinded by Hera for my pains; whereupon Zeus consoled me with the gift of prophecy.
MENIPPUS Ah, you love a lie still, Tiresias. But there, ‘tis your trade. You prophets! There is no truth in you.
Μένιππος σφὼ μέντοι, ὦ Τροφώνιε καὶ Ἀμφίλοχε, νεκροὶ ὄντες οὐκ οἶδʼ ὅπως ναῶν κατηξιώθητε καὶ μάντεις δοκεῖτε, καὶ οἱ μάταιοι τῶν ἀνθρώπων θεοὺς ὑμᾶς ὑπειλήφασιν εἶναι.
Ἀμφίλοχος τί οὖν ἡμεῖς αἴτιοι, εἰ ὑπʼ ἀνοίας ἐκεῖνοι τοιαῦτα περὶ νεκρῶν δοξάζουσιν;
Μένιππος ἀλλʼ οὐκ ἂν ἐδόξαζον, εἰ μὴ ζῶντες καὶ ὑμεῖς τοιαῦτα ἐτερατεύεσθε ὡς τὰ μέλλοντα προειδότες καὶ προειπεῖν δυνάμενοι τοῖς ἐρομένοις.
Τροφώνιος ὦ Μένιππε, Ἀμφίλοχος μὲν οὗτος ἂν εἰδείη ὅ τι αὐτῷ ἀποκριτέον ὑπὲρ αὐτοῦ, ἐγὼ δὲ ἥρως εἰμὶ καὶ μαντεύομαι, ἤν τις κατέλθῃ παρʼ ἐμέ. σὺ δʼ ἔοικας οὐκ ἐπιδεδημηκέναι Λεβαδείᾳ τὸ παράπαν· οὐ γὰρ ἠπίστεις συ τούτοις.
Μένιππος τί φής; εἰ μὴ ἐς Λεβάδειαν γὰρ παρέλθω καὶ ἐσταλμένος ταῖς ὀθόναις γελοίως μᾶζαν ἐν ταῖν χεροῖν ἔχων ἐσερπύσω διὰ τοῦ στομίου ταπεινοῦ ὄντος ἐς τὸ σπήλαιον, οὐκ ἂν ἠδυνάμην εἰδέναι, ὅτι νεκρὸς εἶ ὥσπερ ἡμεῖς μόνῃ τῇ γοητείᾳ διαφέρων; ἀλλὰ πρὸς τῆς μαντικῆς, τί δαὶ ὁ ἥρως ἐστίν; ἀγνοῶ γάρ.
Τροφώνιος ἐξ ἀνθρώπου τι καὶ θεοῦ σύνθετον.
Μένιππος ὃ μήτε ἄνθρωπός ἐστιν, ὡς φής, μήτε θεός, καὶ συναμφότερόν ἐστι; νῦν οὖν ποῦ σου τὸ θεῶν ἐκεῖνο ἡμίτομον ἀπελήλυθε;
Τροφώνιος χρᾷ, ὦ Μένιππε, ἐν Βοιωτίᾳ.
Μένιππος οὐκ οἶδα, ὦ Τροφώνιε, ὅ τι καὶ λέγεις· ὅτι μέντοι ὅλος εἶ νεκρὸς ἀκριβῶς ὁρῶ.
MENIPPUS Now I wonder how it is that you two dead men have been honoured with temples and taken for prophets; those silly mortals imagine you are Gods.
AMPHILOCHUS How can we help it, if they are fools enough to have such fancies about the dead?
MENIPPUS Ah, they would never have had them, though, if you had not been charlatans in your lifetime, and pretended to know the future and be able to foretell it to your clients.
TROPHONIUS Well, Menippus, Amphilochus can take his own line, if he likes; as for me, I am a Hero, and do give oracles to any one who comes down to me. It is pretty clear you were never at Lebadea, or you would not be so incredulous.
MENIPPUS What do you mean? I must go to Lebadea, swaddle myself up in absurd linen, take a cake in my hand, and crawl through a narrow passage into a cave, before I could tell that you are a dead man, with nothing but knavery to differentiate you from the rest of us? Now, on your seer-ship, what is a Hero? I am sure I don’t know.
TROPHONIUS He is half God, and half man.
MENIPPUS So what is neither man (as you imply) nor God, is both at once? Well, at present what has become of your diviner half?
TROPHONIUS He gives oracles in Boeotia.
MENIPPUS What you may mean is quite beyond me; the one thing I know for certain is that you are dead—the whole of you.
Cite This Text