Διογένης ὦ Πολύδευκες, ἐντέλλομαί σοι, ἐπειδὰν τάχιστα ἀνέλθῃς, — σὸν γάρ ἐστιν, οἶμαι, ἀναβιῶναι αὔριον — ἤν που ἴδῃς Μένιππον τὸν κύνα, — εὕροις δʼ ἂν αὐτὸν ἐν Κορίνθῳ κατὰ τὸ Κράνειον ἢ ἐν Λυκείῳ τῶν ἐριζόντων πρὸς ἀλλήλους φιλοσόφων καταγελῶντα — εἰπεῖν πρὸς αὐτόν, ὅτι σοί, ὦ Μένιππε, κελεύει ὁ Διογένης, εἴ σοι ἱκανῶς τὰ ὑπὲρ γῆς καταγεγέλασται, ἥκειν ἐνθάδε πολλῷ πλείω ἐπιγελασόμενον· ἐκεῖ μὲν γὰρ ἐν ἀμφιβόλῳ σοὶ ἔτι ὁ γέλως ἦν καὶ πολὺ τὸ τίς γὰρ ὅλως οἶδε τὰ μετὰ τὸν βίον; ἐνταῦθα δὲ οὐ παύσῃ βεβαίως γελῶν καθάπερ ἐγὼ νῦν, καὶ μάλιστα ἐπειδὰν ὁρᾷς τοὺς πλουσίους καὶ σατράπας καὶ τυράννους οὕτω ταπεινοὺς καὶ ἀσήμους, ἐκ μόνης οἰμωγῆς διαγινωσκομένους, καὶ ὅτι μαλθακοὶ καὶ ἀγεννεῖς εἰσι μεμνημένοι τῶν ἄνω. ταῦτα λέγε αὐτῷ, καὶ προσέτι, ἐμπλησάμενον τὴν πήραν ἥκειν θέρμων τε πολλῶν καὶ εἴ που εὕροι ἐν τῇ τριόδῳ Ἑκάτης δεῖπνον κείμενον ἢ ᾠὸν ἐκ καθαρσίου ἤ τι τοιοῦτον.
Πολυδεύκης ἀλλʼ ἀπαγγελῶ ταῦτα, ὦ Διόγενες. ὅπως δὲ εἰδῶ μάλιστα, ὁποῖός τίς ἐστι τὴν ὄψιν.
Διογένης γέρων, φαλακρός, τριβώνιον ἔχων πολύθυρον, ἅπαντι ἀνέμῳ ἀναπεπταμένον καὶ ταῖς ἐπιπτυχαῖς τῶν ῥακίων ποικίλον, γελᾷ δʼ ἀεὶ καὶ τὰ πολλὰ τοὺς ἀλαζόνας τούτους φιλοσόφους ἐπισκώπτει.
Πολυδεύκης ῥᾴδιον εὑρεῖν ἀπό γε τούτων.
Διογένης βούλει καὶ πρὸς αὐτοὺς ἐκείνους ἐντείλωμαί τι τοὺς φιλοσόφους;
Πολυδεύκης λέγε· οὐ βαρὺ γὰρ οὐδὲ τοῦτο.
Διογένης τὸ μὲν ὅλον παύσασθαι αὐτοῖς παρεγγύα ληροῦσι καὶ περὶ τῶν ὅλων ἐρίζουσι καὶ κέρατα φύουσιν ἀλλήλοις καὶ κροκοδείλους ποιοῦσι καὶ τὰ τοιαῦτα ἄπορα ἐρωτᾶν διδάσκουσι τὸν νοῦν.
Πολυδεύκης ἀλλʼ ἐμὲ ἀμαθῆ καὶ ἀπαίδευτον εἶναι φάσκουσι κατηγοροῦντα τῆς σοφίας αὐτῶν.
Διογένης σὺ δὲ οἰμώζειν αὐτοῖς παρʼ ἐμοῦ λέγε.
Πολυδεύκης καὶ ταῦτα, ὦ Διόγενες, ἀπαγγελῶ.
Διογένης τοῖς πλουσίοις δʼ, ὦ φίλτατον Πολυδεύκιον, ἀπάγγελλε ταῦτα παρʼ ἡμῶν· τί, ὦ μάταιοι, τὸν χρυσὸν φυλάττετε; τί δὲ τιμωρεῖσθε ἑαυτοὺς λογιζόμενοι τοὺς τόκους καὶ τάλαντα ἐπὶ ταλάντοις συντιθέντες, οὓς χρὴ ἕνα ὀβολὸν ἔχοντας ἥκειν μετʼ ὀλίγον;
Πολυδεύκης εἰρήσεται καὶ ταῦτα πρὸς ἐκείνους.
Διογένης ἀλλὰ καὶ τοῖς καλοῖς τε καὶ ἰσχυροῖς λέγε, Μεγίλλῳ τε τῷ Κορινθίῳ καὶ Δαμοξένῳ τῷ παλαιστῇ, ὅτι παρʼ ἡμῖν οὔτε ἡ ξανθὴ κόμη οὔτε τὰ χαροπὰ ἢ μέλανα ὄμματα ἢ ἐρύθημα ἐπὶ τοῦ προσώπου ἔτι ἔστιν ἢ νεῦρα εὔτονα ἢ ὦμοι καρτεροί, ἀλλὰ πάντα μία ἡμῖν κόνις, φασί, κρανία γυμνὰ τοῦ κάλλους.
Πολυδεύκης οὐ χαλεπὸν οὐδὲ ταῦτα εἰπεῖν πρὸς τοὺς καλοὺς καὶ ἰσχυρούς.
Διογένης καὶ τοῖς πένησιν, ὦ Λάκων, — πολλοὶ δʼ εἰσὶ καὶ ἀχθόμενοι τῷ πράγματι καὶ οἰκτείροντες τὴν ἀπορίαν — λέγε μήτε δακρύειν μήτε οἰμώζειν διηγησάμενος τὴν ἐνταῦθα ἰσοτιμίαν, καὶ ὅτι ὄψονται τοὺς ἐκεῖ πλουσίους οὐδὲν ἀμείνους αὐτῶν· καὶ Λακεδαιμονίοις δὲ τοῖς σοῖς ταῦτα, εἰ δοκεῖ, παρʼ ἐμοῦ ἐπιτίμησον λέγων ἐκλελύσθαι αὐτούς.
Πολυδεύκης μηδέν, ὦ Διόγενες, περὶ Λακεδαιμονίων λέγε· οὐ γὰρ ἀνέξομαί γε. ἃ δὲ πρὸς τοὺς ἄλλους ἔφησθα, ἀπαγγελῶ.
Διογένης ἐάσωμεν τούτους, ἐπεί σοι δοκεῖ· σὺ δὲ οἷς προεῖπον ἀπένεγκον παρʼ ἐμοῦ τοὺς λόγους.
DIOGENES Pollux, I have a commission for you; next time you go up—and I think it is your turn for earth to-morrow—if you come across Menippus the Cynic—you will find him about the Craneum at Corinth, or in the Lyceum, laughing at the philosophers’ disputes—well, give him this message:—Menippus, Diogenes advises you, if mortal subjects for laughter begin to pall, to come down below, and find much richer material; where you are now, there is always a dash of uncertainty in it; the question will always intrude—who can be quite sure about the hereafter? Here, you can have your laugh out in security, like me; it is the best of sport to see millionaires, governors, despots, now mean and insignificant; you can only tell them by their lamentations, and the spiritless despondency which is the legacy of better days. Tell him this, and mention that he had better stuff his wallet with plenty of lupines, and any un-considered trifles he can snap up in the way of pauper doles or lustral eggs.
POLLUX I will tell him, Diogenes. But give me some idea of his appearance.
DIOGENES Old, bald, with a cloak that allows him plenty of light and ventilation, and is patched all colours of the rainbow; always laughing, and usually gibing at pretentious philosophers.
POLLUX Ah, I cannot mistake him now.
DIOGENES May I give you another message to those same philosophers?
POLLUX Oh, I don’t mind; go on.
DIOGENES Charge them generally to give up playing the fool, quarrelling over metaphysics, tricking each other with horn and crocodile puzzles and teaching people to waste wit on such absurdities.
POLLUX Oh, but if I say anything against their wisdom, they will call me an ignorant blockhead.
DIOGENES Then tell them from me to go to the devil.
POLLUX Very well; rely upon me.
DIOGENES And then, my most obliging of Polluxes, there is this for the rich:—O vain fools, why hoard gold? why all these pains over interest sums and the adding of hundred to hundred, when you must shortly come to us with nothing beyond the dead-penny?
POLLUX They shall have their message too.
DIOGENES Ah, and a word to the handsome and strong; Megillus of Corinth, and Damoxenus the wrestler will do. Inform them that auburn locks, eyes bright or black, rosy cheeks, are as little in fashion here as tense muscles or mighty shoulders; man and man are as like as two peas, tell them, when it comes to bare skull and no beauty.
POLLUX That is to the handsome and strong; yes, I can manage that.
DIOGENES Yes, my Spartan, and here is for the poor. There are a great many of them, very sorry for themselves and resentful of their helplessness. Tell them to dry their tears and cease their cries; explain to them that here one man is as good as another, and they will find those who were rich on earth no better than themselves. As for your Spartans, you will not mind scolding them, from me, upon their present degeneracy?
POLLUX No, no, Diogenes; leave Sparta alone; that is going too far; your other commissions I will execute.
DIOGENES Oh, well, let them off, if you care about it; but tell all the others what I said.
Χάρων ἀπόδος, ὦ κατάρατε, τὰ πορθμεῖα.
Μένιππος βόα, εἰ τοῦτό σοι, ὦ Χάρων, ἥδιον.
Χάρων ἀπόδος, φημί, ἀνθʼ ὧν σε διεπορθμεύσαμεν.
Μένιππος οὐκ ἂν λάβοις παρὰ τοῦ μὴ ἔχοντος.
Χάρων ἔστι δέ τις ὀβολὸν μὴ ἔχων;
Μένιππος εἰ μὲν καὶ ἄλλος τις οὐκ οἶδα, ἐγὼ δʼ οὐκ ἔχω.
Χάρων καὶ μὴν ἄγξω σε νὴ τὸν Πλούτωνα, ὦ μιαρέ, ἢν μὴ ἀποδῷς.
Μένιππος κἀγὼ τῷ ξύλῳ σου πατάξας διαλύσω τὸ κρανίον.
Χάρων μάτην οὖν ἔσῃ πεπλευκὼς τοσοῦτον πλοῦν.
Μένιππος ὁ Ἑρμῆς ὑπὲρ ἐμοῦ σοι ἀποδότω, ὅς με παρέδωκέ σοι.
Ἑρμῆς νὴ Δίʼ ὠνάμην γε, εἰ μέλλω καὶ ὑπερεκτίνειν τῶν νεκρῶν.
Χάρων οὐκ ἀποστήσομαί σου.
Μένιππος τούτου γε ἕνεκα καὶ νεωλκήσας τὸ πορθμεῖον παράμενε· πλὴν ἀλλʼ ὅ γε μὴ ἔχω, πῶς ἂν λάβοις;
Χάρων σὺ δʼ οὐκ ᾔδεις ὡς κομίζεσθαι δέον;
Μένιππος Ἤιδειν μέν, οὐκ εἶχον δέ. τί οὖν; ἐχρῆν διὰ τοῦτο μὴ ἀποθανεῖν;
Χάρων μόνος οὖν αὐχήσεις προῖκα πεπλευκέναι;
Μένιππος οὐ προῖκα, ὦ βέλτιστε· καὶ γὰρ ἤντλησα καὶ τῆς κώπης συνεπελαβόμην καὶ οὐκ ἔκλαον μόνος τῶν ἄλλων ἐπιβατῶν.
Χάρων οὐδὲν ταῦτα πρὸς πορθμέα· τὸν ὀβολὸν ἀποδοῦναί σε δεῖ· οὐ θέμις ἄλλως γενέσθαι.
Μένιππος οὐκοῦν ἄπαγέ με αὖθις ἐς τὸν βίον.
Χάρων χάριεν λέγεις, ἵνα καὶ πληγὰς ἐπὶ τούτῳ παρα τοῦ Αἰακοῦ προσλάβω.
Μένιππος μὴ ἐνόχλει οὖν.
Χάρων δεῖξον τί ἐν τῇ πήρᾳ ἔχεις.
Μένιππος θέρμους, εἰ θέλεις, καὶ τῆς Ἑκάτης τὸ δεῖπνον.
Χάρων πόθεν τοῦτον ἡμῖν, ὦ Ἑρμῆ, τὸν κύνα ἤγαγες; οἷα δὲ καὶ ἐλάλει παρὰ τὸν πλοῦν τῶν ἐπιβατῶν ἁπάντων καταγελῶν καὶ ἐπισκώπτων καὶ μόνος ᾅδων οἰμωζόντων ἐκείνων.
Ἑρμῆς ἀγνοεῖς, ὦ Χάρων, ὅντινα ἄνδρα διεπόρ θμευσας; ἐλεύθερον ἀκριβῶς, κοὐδενὸς αὐτῷ μέλει. οὗτός ἐστιν ὁ Μένιππος.
Χάρων καὶ μὴν ἄν σε λάβω ποτέ —
Μένιππος ἂν λάβῃς, ὦ βέλτιστε· δὶς δὲ οὐκ ἂν λάβοις.
CHARON Your fare, you rascal.
MENIPPUS Bawl away, Charon, if it gives you any pleasure.
CHARON I brought you across: give me my fare.
MENIPPUS I can’t, if I haven’t got it.
CHARON And who is so poor that he has not got a penny?
MENIPPUS I for one; I don’t know who else.
CHARON Pay: or, by Pluto, I’ll strangle you.
MENIPPUS And I’ll crack your skull with this stick.
CHARON So you are to come all that way for nothing?
MENIPPUS Let Hermes pay for me: he put me on board.
HERMES I dare say! A fine time I shall have of it, if I am to pay for the shades.
CHARON I’m not going to let you off.
MENIPPUS You can haul up your ship and wait, for all I care. If I have not got the money, I can’t pay you, can I?
CHARON You knew you ought to bring it?
MENIPPUS I knew that: but I hadn’t got it. What would you have? I ought not to have died, I suppose?
CHARON So you are to have the distinction of being the only passenger that ever crossed gratis?
MENIPPUS Oh, come now: gratis! I took an oar, and I baled; and I didn’t cry, which is more than can be said for any of the others.
CHARON That’s neither here nor there. I must have my penny; it’s only right.
MENIPPUS Well, you had better take me back again to life.
CHARON Yes, and get a thrashing from Aeacus for my pains! I like that.
MENIPPUS Well, don’t bother me.
CHARON Let me see what you have got in that wallet.
MENIPPUS Beans: have some?—and a Hecate’s supper.
CHARON Where did you pick up this Cynic, Hermes? The noise he made on the crossing, too! laughing and jeering at all the rest, and singing, when every one else was at his lamentations.
HERMES Ah, Charon, you little know your passenger! Independence, every inch of him: he cares for no one. ‘Tis Menippus.
CHARON Wait till I catch you—
MENIPPUS Precisely; I’ll wait—till you catch me again.
Κροῖσος οὐ φέρομεν, ὦ Πλούτων, Μένιππον τουτονὶ τὸν κύνα παροικοῦντα· ὥστε ἢ ἐκεῖνόν ποι κατάστησον ἢ ἡμεῖς μετοικήσομεν ἐς ἕτερον τόπον.
Πλούτων τί δʼ ὑμᾶς δεινὸν ἐργάζεται ὁμόνεκρος ὤν;
Κροῖσος ἐπειδὰν ἡμεῖς οἰμώζωμεν καὶ στένωμεν ἐκείνων μεμνημένοι τῶν ἄνω, Μίδας μὲν οὑτοσὶ τοῦ χρυσίου, Σαρδανάπαλλος δὲ τῆς πολλῆς τρυφῆς, ἐγὼ δὲ Κροῖσος τῶν θησαυρῶν, ἐπιγελᾷ καὶ ἐξονειδίζει ἀνδράποδα καὶ καθάρματα ἡμᾶς ἀποκαλῶν, ἐνίοτε δὲ καὶ ᾅδων ἐπιταράττει ἡμῶν τὰς οἰμωγάς, καὶ ὅλως λυπηρός ἐστι.
Πλούτων τί ταῦτά φασιν, ὦ Μένιππε;
Μενίππος ἀληθῆ, ὦ Πλούτων· μισῶ γὰρ αὐτοὺς ἀγεννεῖς καὶ ὀλεθρίους ὄντας, οἷς οὐκ ἀπέχρησε βιῶναι κακῶς, ἀλλὰ καὶ ἀποθανόντες. ἔτι μέμνηνται καὶ περιέχονται τῶν ἄνω· χαίρω τοιγαροῦν ἀνιῶν αὐτούς.
Πλούτων ἀλλʼ οὐ χρή· λυποῦνται γὰρ οὐ μικρῶν στερόμενοι.
Μενίππος καὶ σὺ μωραίνεις, ὦ Πλούτων, ὁμόψηφος ὢν τοῖς τούτων στεναγμοῖς;
Πλούτων οὐδαμῶς, ἀλλʼ οὐκ ἂν ἐθέλοιμι στασιάζειν ὑμᾶς.
Μενίππος καὶ μήν, ὦ κάκιστοι Λυδῶν καὶ Φρυγῶν καὶ Ἀσσυρίων, οὕτω γινώσκετε ὡς οὐδὲ παυσομένου μου· ἔνθα γὰρ ἂν ἴητε, ἀκολουθήσω ἀνιῶν καὶ κατᾴδων καὶ καταγελῶν.
Κροῖσος ταῦτα οὐχ ὕβρις;
Μενίππος οὔκ, ἀλλʼ ἐκεῖνα ὕβρις ἦν, ἃ ὑμεῖς ἐποιεῖτε, προσκυνεῖσθαι ἀξιοῦντες καὶ ἐλευθέροις ἀνδράσιν ἐντρυφῶντες καὶ τοῦ θανάτου τὸ παράπαν οὐ μνημονεύοντες· τοιγαροῦν οἰμώξεσθε πάντων ἐκείνων ἀφῃρημένοι.
Κροῖσος πολλῶν γε, ὦ θεοί, καὶ μεγάλων κτημάτων.
Μίδας ὅσου μὲν ἐγὼ χρυσοῦ.
Σαρδανάπαλλος ὅσης δὲ ἐγὼ τρυφῆς.
Μενίππος εὖ γε, οὕτω ποιεῖτε· ὀδύρεσθε μὲν ὑμεῖς, ἐγὼ δὲ τὸ γνῶθι σαυτὸν πολλάκις συνείρων ἐπᾴσομαι ὑμῖν· πρέποι γὰρ ἂν ταῖς τοιαύταις οἰμωγαῖς ἐπᾳδόμενον.
CROESUS Pluto, we can stand this snarling Cynic no longer in our neighbourhood; either you must transfer him to other quarters, or we are going to migrate.
PLUTO Why, what harm does he do to your ghostly community?
CROESUS Midas here, and Sardanapalus and I, can never get in a good cry over the old days of gold and luxury and treasure, but he must be laughing at us, and calling us rude names; ‘slaves’ and ‘garbage,’ he says we are. And then he sings; and that throws us out.—In short, he is a nuisance.
PLUTO Menippus, what’s this I hear?
MENIPPUS All perfectly true, Pluto. I detest these abject rascals! Not content with having lived the abominable lives they did, they keep on talking about it now they are dead, and harping on the good old days. I take a positive pleasure in annoying them.
PLUTO Yes, but you mustn’t. They have had terrible losses; they feel it deeply.
MENIPPUS Pluto! you are not going to lend your countenance to these whimpering fools?
PLUTO It isn’t that: but I won’t have you quarrelling.
MENIPPUS Well, you scum of your respective nations, let there be no misunderstanding; I am going on just the same. Wherever you are, there shall I be also; worrying, jeering, singing you down.
CROESUS Presumption!
MENIPPUS Not a bit of it. Yours was the presumption, when you expected men to fall down before you, when you trampled on men’s liberty, and forgot there was such a thing as death. Now comes the weeping and gnashing of teeth: for all is lost!
CROESUS Lost! Ah God! My treasure-heaps—
MIDAS My gold—
SARDANAPALUS My little comforts—
MENIPPUS That’s right: stick to it! You do the whining, and I’ll chime in with a string of GNOTHI-SAUTONS, best of accompaniments.
Μένιππος ὦ Κέρβερε — συγγενὴς γάρ εἰμί σοι κύων καὶ αὐτὸς ὤν — εἰπέ μοι πρὸς τῆς Στυγός, οἷος ἦν ὁ Σωκράτης, ὁπότε κατῄει παρʼ ὑμᾶς· εἰκὸς δέ σε θεὸν ὄντα μὴ ὑλακτεῖν μόνον, ἀλλὰ καὶ ἀνθρωπίνως φθέγγεσθαι, ὁπότʼ ἐθέλοις.
Κέρβερος πόρρωθεν μέν, ὦ Μένιππε, παντάπασιν ἐδόκει ἀτρέπτῳ τῷ προσώπῳ προσιέναι καὶ οὐ πάνυ δεδιέναι τὸν θάνατον δοκῶν καὶ τοῦτο ἐμφῆναι τοῖς ἔξω τοῦ στομίου ἑστῶσιν ἐθέλων, ἐπεὶ δὲ κατέκυψεν εἴσω τοῦ χάσματος καὶ εἶδε τὸν ζόφον, κἀγὼ ἔτι διαμέλλοντα αὐτὸν δακὼν τῷ κωνείῳ κατέσπασα τοῦ ποδός, ὥσπερ τὰ βρέφη ἐκώκυε καὶ τὰ ἑαυτοῦ παιδία ὠδύρετο καὶ παντοῖος ἐγίνετο.
Μένιππος οὐκοῦν σοφιστὴς ὁ ἄνθρωπος ἦν καὶ οὐκ ἀληθῶς κατεφρόνει τοῦ πράγματος;
Κέρβερος οὔκ, ἀλλʼ ἐπείπερ ἀναγκαῖον αὐτὸ ἑώρα, κατεθρασύνετο ὡς δῆθεν οὐκ ἄκων πεισόμενος ὃ πάντως ἔδει παθεῖν, ὡς θαυμάσωνται οἱ θεαταί. καὶ ὅλως περὶ πάντων γε τῶν τοιούτων εἰπεῖν ἂν ἔχοιμι, ἕως τοῦ στομίου τολμηροὶ καὶ ἀνδρεῖοι, τὰ δὲ ἔνδοθεν ἔλεγχος ἀκριβής.
Μένιππος ἐγὼ δὲ πῶς σοι κατεληλυθέναι ἔδοξα;
Κέρβερος μόνος, ὦ Μένιππε, ἀξίως τοῦ γένους, καὶ Διογένης πρὸ σοῦ, ὅτι μὴ ἀναγκαζόμενοι ἐσῄειτε μηδʼ ὠθούμενοι, ἀλλʼ ἐθελούσιοι, γελῶντες, οἰμώζειν παραγγείλαντες ἅπασιν.
MENIPPUS My dear coz—for Cerberus and Cynic are surely related through the dog—I adjure you by the Styx, tell me how Socrates behaved during the descent. A God like you can doubtless articulate instead of barking, if he chooses.
CERBERUS Well, while he was some way off, he seemed quite unshaken; and I thought he was bent on letting the people outside realize the fact too. Then he passed into the opening and saw the gloom; I at the same time gave him a touch of the hemlock, and a pull by the leg, as he was rather slow. Then he squalled like a baby, whimpered about his children, and, oh, I don’t know what he didn’t do.
MENIPPUS So he was one of the theorists, was he? His indifference was a sham?
CERBERUS Yes; it was only that he accepted the inevitable, and put a bold face on it, pretending to welcome the universal fate, by way of impressing the bystanders. All that sort are the same, I tell you—bold resolute fellows as far as the entrance; it is inside that the real test comes.
MENIPPUS What did you think of my performance?
CERBERUS Ah, Menippus, you were the exception; you are a credit to the breed, and so was Diogenes before you. You two came in without any compulsion or pushing, of your own free will, with a laugh for yourselves and a curse for the rest.
Μένιππος ποῦ δὲ οἱ καλοί εἰσιν ἢ αἱ καλαί, Ἑρμῆ; ξενάγησόν με νέηλυν ὄντα.
Ἑρμῆς οὐ σχολή μοι, ὦ Μένιππε· πλὴν κατʼ ἐκεῖνο ἀπόβλεψον, ἐπὶ τὰ δεξιά, ἔνθα ὁ Ὑάκινθός τέ ἐστι καὶ Νάρκισσος καὶ Νιρεὺς καὶ Ἀχιλλεὺς καὶ Τυρὼ καὶ Ἑλένη καὶ Λήδα καὶ ὅλως τὰ ἀρχαῖα πάντα κάλλη.
Μένιππος ὀστᾶ μόνα ὁρῶ καὶ κρανία τῶν σαρκῶν γυμνά, ὅμοια τὰ πολλά.
Ἑρμῆς καὶ μὴν ἐκεῖνά ἐστιν ἃ πάντες οἱ ποιηταὶ θαυμάζουσι τὰ ὀστᾶ, ὧν σὺ ἔοικας καταφρονεῖν.
Μένιππος ὅμως τὴν Ἑλένην μοι δεῖξον· οὐ γὰρ ἂν διαγνοίην ἔγωγε.
Ἑρμῆς τουτὶ τὸ κρανίον ἡ Ἑλένη ἐστίν.
Μένιππος εἶτα διὰ τοῦτο αἱ χίλιαι νῆες ἐπληρώθησαν ἐξ ἁπάσης τῆς Ἑλλάδος καὶ τοσοῦτοι ἔπεσον Ἕλληνές τε καὶ βάρβαροι καὶ τοσαῦται πόλεις ἀνάστατοι γεγόνασιν;
Ἑρμῆς ἀλλʼ οὐκ εἶδες, ὦ Μένιππε, ζῶσαν τὴν γυναῖκα· ἔφης γὰρ ἂν καὶ σὺ ἀνεμέσητον εἶναι τοιῇδʼ ἀμφὶ γυναικὶ πολὺν χρόνον ἄλγεα πάσχειν· ἐπεὶ καὶ τὰ ἄνθη ξηρὰ ὄντα εἴ τις βλέποι ἀποβεβληκότα τὴν βαφήν, ἄμορφα δῆλον ὅτι αὐτῷ δόξει, ὅτε μέντοι ἀνθεῖ καὶ ἔχει τὴν χρόαν, κάλλιστά ἐστιν.
Μένιππος οὐκοῦν τοῦτο, ὦ Ἑρμῆ, θαυμάζω, εἰ μὴ συνίεσαν οἱ Ἀχαιοὶ περὶ πράγματος οὕτως ὀλιγοχρονίου καὶ ῥᾳδίως ἀπανθοῦντος πονοῦντες.
Ἑρμῆς οὐ σχολή μοι, ὦ Μένιππε, συμφιλοσοφεῖν σοι. ὥστε σὺ μὲν ἐπιλεξάμενος τόπον, ἔνθα ἂν ἐθέλῃς, κεῖσο καταβαλὼν σεαυτόν, ἐγὼ δὲ τοὺς ἄλλους νεκροὺς ἤδη μετελεύσομαι.
MENIPPUS Where are all the beauties, Hermes? Show me round; I am a new-comer.
HERMES I am busy, Menippus. But look over there to your right, and you will see Hyacinth, Narcissus, Nireus, Achilles, Tyro, Helen, Leda,—all the beauties of old.
MENIPPUS I can only see bones, and bare skulls; most of them are exactly alike.
HERMES Those bones, of which you seem to think so lightly, have been the theme of admiring poets.
MENIPPUS Well, but show me Helen; I shall never be able to make her out by myself.
HERMES This skull is Helen.
MENIPPUS And for this a thousand ships carried warriors from every part of Greece; Greeks and barbarians were slain, and cities made desolate.
HERMES Ah, Menippus, you never saw the living Helen; or you would have said with Homer,
Well might they suffer grievous years of toil Who strove for such a prize.
We look at withered flowers, whose dye is gone from them, and what can we call them but unlovely things? Yet in the hour of their bloom these unlovely things were things of beauty.
MENIPPUS Strange, that the Greeks could not realize what it was for which they laboured; how short-lived, how soon to fade.
HERMES I have no time for moralizing. Choose your spot, where you will, and lie down. I must go to fetch new dead.
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