Πλούτων τὸν γέροντα οἶσθα, τὸν πάνυ γεγηρακότα λέγω, τὸν πλούσιον Εὐκράτην, ᾧ παῖδες μὲν οὐκ εἰσίν, οἱ τὸν κλῆρον δὲ θηρῶντες πεντακισμύριοι;
Ἑρμῆς ναί, τὸν Σικυώνιον φής. τί οὖν;
Πλούτων ἐκεῖνον μέν, ὦ Ἑρμῆ, ζῆν ἔασον ἐπὶ τοῖς ἐνενήκοντα ἔτεσιν, ἃ βεβίωκεν, ἐπιμετρήσας ἄλλα τοσαῦτα, εἰ δὲ οἷόν τε ἦν, καὶ ἔτι πλείω, τους δὲ κόλακας αὐτοῦ Χαρῖνον τὸν νέον καὶ Δάμωνα καὶ τοὺς ἄλλους κατάσπασον ἐφεξῆς ἅπαντας.
Ἑρμῆς ἄτοπον ἂν δόξειε τὸ τοιοῦτον.
Πλούτων οὐ μὲν οὖν, ἀλλὰ δικαιότατον· τί γὰρ ἐκεῖνοι παθόντες εὔχονται ἀποθανεῖν ἐκεῖνον ἢ τῶν χρημάτων ἀντιποιοῦνται οὐδὲν προσήκοντες; ὃ δὲ πάντων ἐστὶ μιαρώτατον, ὅτι καὶ τὰ τοιαῦτα εὐχόμενοι ὅμως θεραπεύουσιν ἔν γε τῷ φανερῷ, καὶ νοσοῦντος ἃ μὲν βουλεύονται πᾶσι πρόδηλα, θύσειν δὲ ὅμως ὑπισχνοῦνται, ἢν ῥαΐσῃ, καὶ ὅλως ποικίλη τις ἡ κολακεία τῶν ἀνδρῶν. διὰ ταῦτα ὁ μὲν ἔστω ἀθάνατος, οἱ δὲ προαπίτωσαν αὐτοῦ μάτην ἐπιχανόντες.
Ἑρμῆς γελοῖα πείσονται, πανοῦργοι ὄντες· πολλὰ κἀκεῖνος εὖ μάλα διαβουκολεῖ αὐτοὺς καὶ ἐλπίζει, καὶ ὅλως ἀεὶ θανόντι ἐοικὼς ἔρρωται πολὺ μᾶλλον τῶν νέων. οἱ δὲ ἤδη τὸν κλῆρον ἐν σφίσι διῃρημένοι βόσκονται ζωὴν μακαρίαν πρὸς ἑαυτοὺς τιθέντες.
Πλούτων οὐκοῦν ὁ μὲν ἀποδυσάμενος τὸ γῆρας ὥσπερ Ἰόλεως ἀνηβησάτω, οἱ δὲ ἀπὸ μέσων τῶν ἐλπίδων τὸν ὀνειροποληθέντα πλοῦτον ἀπολιπόντες ἡκέτωσαν ἤδη κακοὶ κακῶς ἀποθανόντες.
Ἑρμῆς Ἀμέλησον, ὦ Πλούτων μετελεύσομαι γάρ σοι ἤδη αὐτοὺς καθʼ ἕνα ἑξῆς· ἑπτὰ δέ, οἶμαι, εἰσί.
Πλούτων Κατάσπα, ὁ δὲ παραπέμψει ἕκαστον ἀντὶ γέροντος αὖθις πρωθήβης γενόμενος.
PLUTO You know that old, old fellow, Eucrates the millionaire—no children, but a few thousand would-be heirs?
HERMES Yes—lives at Sicyon. Well?
PLUTO Well, Hermes, he is ninety now; let him live as much longer, please; I should like it to be more still, if possible; and bring me down his toadies one by one, that young Charinus, Damon, and the rest of them.
HERMES It would seem so strange, wouldn’t it?
PLUTO On the contrary, it would be ideal justice. What business have they to pray for his death, or pretend to his money? they are no relations. The most abominable thing about it is that they vary these prayers with every public attention; when he is ill, every one knows what they are after, and yet they vow offerings if he recovers; talk of versatility! So let him be immortal, and bring them away before him with their mouths still open for the fruit that never drops.
HERMES Well, they are rascals, and it would be a comic ending. He leads them a pretty life too, on hope gruel; he always looks more dead than alive, but he is tougher than a young man. They have divided up the inheritance among them, and feed on imaginary bliss.
PLUTO Just so; now he is to throw off his years like Iolaus, and rejuvenate, while they in the middle of their hopes find themselves here with their dream-wealth left behind them. Nothing like making the punishment fit the crime.
HERMES Say no more, Pluto; I will fetch you them one after another; seven of them, is it?
PLUTO Down with them; and he shall change from an old man to a blooming youth, and attend their funerals.
Τερψίων τοῦτο, ὦ Πλούτων, δίκαιον, ἐμὲ μὲν τεθνάναι τριάκοντα ἔτη γεγονότα, τὸν δὲ ὑπὲρ τὰ ἐνενήκοντα γέροντα Θούκριτον ζῆν ἔτι;
Πλούτων δικαιότατον μὲν οὖν, ὦ Τερψίων, εἴ γε ο μὲν ζῇ μηδένα εὐχόμενος ἀποθανεῖν τῶν φίλων, σὺ δὲ παρὰ πάντα τὸν χρόνον ἐπεβούλευες αὐτῷ περιμένων τὸν κλῆρον.
Τερψίων οὐ γὰρ ἐχρῆν γέροντα ὄντα καὶ μηκέτι χρήσασθαι τῷ πλούτῳ αὐτὸν δυνάμενον ἀπελθεῖν τοῦ βίου παραχωρήσαντα τοῖς νέοις;
Πλούτων καινά, ὦ Τερψίων, νομοθετεῖς, τὸν μηκέτι τῷ πλούτῳ χρήσασθαι δυνάμενον πρὸς ἡδονὴν ἀποθνήσκειν· τὸ δὲ ἄλλως ἡ Μοῖρα καὶ ἡ φύσις διέταξεν.
Τερψίων οὐκοῦν ταύτης αἰτιῶμαι τῆς διατάξεως· ἐχρῆν γὰρ τὸ πρᾶγμα ἑξῆς πως γίνεσθαι, τὸν πρεσβύτερον πρότερον καὶ μετὰ τοῦτον ὅστις καὶ τῇ ἡλικίᾳ μετʼ αὐτόν, ἀναστρέφεσθαι δὲ μηδαμῶς, μηδὲ ζῆν μὲν τὸν ὑπέργηρων ὀδόντας τρεῖς ἔτι λοιποὺς ἔχοντα, μόγις ὁρῶντα, οἰκέταις τέτταρσιν ἐπικεκυφότα, κορύζης μὲν τὴν ῥῖνα, λήμης δὲ τοὺς ὀφθαλμοὺς μεστὸν ὄντα, οὐδὲν ἔτι ἡδὺ εἰδότα, ἔμψυχόν τινα τάφον ὑπὸ τῶν νέων καταγελώμενον, ἀποθνήσκειν δὲ καλλίστους καὶ ἐρρωμενεστάτους νεανίσκους· ἄνω γὰρ ποταμῶν τοῦτό γε· ἢ τὸ τελευταῖον εἰδέναι ἐχρῆν, πότε καὶ τεθνήξεται τῶν γερόντων ἕκαστος, ἵνα μὴ μάτην ἂν ἐνίους ἐθεράπευον. νῦν δὲ τὸ τῆς παροιμίας, ἡ ἅμαξα τὸν βοῦν .
TERPSION Now is this fair, Pluto,—that I should die at the age of thirty, and that old Thucritus go on living past ninety?
PLUTO Nothing could be fairer. Thucritus lives and is in no hurry for his neighbours to die; whereas you always had some design against him; you were waiting to step into his shoes.
TERPSION Well, an old man like that is past getting any enjoyment out of his money; he ought to die, and make room for younger men.
PLUTO This is a novel principle: the man who can no longer derive pleasure from his money is to die!—Fate and Nature have ordered it otherwise.
TERPSION Then they have ordered it wrongly. There ought to be a proper sequence according to seniority. Things are turned upside down, if an old man is to go on living with only three teeth in his head, half blind, tottering about with a pair of slaves on each side to hold him up, drivelling and rheumy-eyed, having no joy of life, a living tomb, the derision of his juniors,—and young men are to die in the prime of their strength and beauty. ‘Tis contrary to nature. At any rate the young men have a right to know when the old are going to die, so that they may not throw away their attentions on them for nothing, as is sometimes the case. The present arrangement is a putting of the cart before the horse.
Πλούτων ταῦτα μέν, ὦ Τερψίων, πολὺ συνετωτερα γίνεται ἤπερ σοὶ δοκεῖ. καὶ ὑμεῖς δὲ τί παθόντες ἀλλοτρίοις ἐπιχαίνετε καὶ τοῖς ἀτέκνοις τῶν γερόντων ἐσποιεῖτε φέροντες αὑτούς; τοιγαροῦν γέλωτα ὀφλισκάνετε πρὸ ἐκείνων κατορυττόμενοι, καὶ τὸ πρᾶγμα τοῖς πολλοῖς ἥδιστον γίνεται· ὅσῳ γὰρ ὑμεῖς ἐκείνους ἀποθανεῖν εὔχεσθε, τοσούτῳ ἅπασιν ἡδὺ προαποθανεῖν ὑμᾶς αὐτῶν. καινὴν γάρ τινα ταύτην τεχνην ἐπινενοήκατε γραῶν καὶ γερόντων ἐρῶντες, καὶ μάλιστα εἰ ἄτεκνοι εἶεν, οἱ δὲ ἔντεκνοι ὑμῖν ἀνέραστοι. καίτοι πολλοὶ ἤδη τῶν ἐρωμένων συνέντες ὑμῶν τὴν πανουργίαν τοῦ ἔρωτος, ἢν καὶ τύχωσι παῖδας ἔχοντες, μισεῖν αὐτοὺς πλάττονται, ὡς καὶ αὐτοὶ ἐραστὰς ἔχωσιν· εἶτα ἐν ταῖς διαθήκαις ἀπεκλείσθησαν μὲν οἱ πάλαι δορυφορήσαντες, ὁ δὲ παῖς καὶ ἡ φύσις, ὥσπερ ἐστὶ δίκαιον, κρατοῦσι πάντων, οἱ δὲ ὑποπρίουσι τοὺς ὀδόντας ἀποσμυγέντες.
Τερψίων ἀληθῆ ταῦτα φής· ἐμοῦ γοῦν Θούκριτος πόσα κατέφαγεν ἀεὶ τεθνήξεσθαι δοκῶν καὶ ὁπότε ἐσίοιμι ὑποστένων καὶ μύχιόν τι καθάπερ ἐξ ᾠοῦ νεοττὸς ἀτελὴς ὑποκρώζων, ὥστʼ ἔγωγε ὅσον αὐτίκα οἰόμενος ἐπιβήσειν αὐτὸν τῆς σοροῦ ἔπεμπόν τε πολλά, ὡς μὴ ὑπερβάλλοιντό με οἱ ἀντερασταὶ τῇ μεγαλοδωρεᾷ, καὶ τὰ πολλὰ ὑπὸ φροντίδων ἄγρυπνος ἐκείμην ἀριθμῶν ἕκαστα καὶ διατάττων. ταῦτα γοῦν μοι καὶ τοῦ ἀποθανεῖν αἴτια γεγένηται, ἀγρυπνία καὶ φροντίδες· ὁ δὲ τοσοῦτόν μοι δέλεαρ καταπιὼν ἐφειστήκει θαπτομένῳ πρῴην ἐπιγελῶν.
Πλούτων εὖ γε, ὦ Θούκριτε, ζώοις ἐπὶ μήκιστον πλουτῶν ἅμα καὶ τῶν τοιούτων καταγελῶν, μηδὲ πρότερόν γε σὺ ἀποθάνοις ἢ προπέμψας πάντας τοὺς κόλακας.
Τερψίων τοῦτο μέν, ὦ Πλούτων, καὶ ἐμοὶ ἥδιστον ἤδη, εἰ καὶ Χαροιάδης προτεθνήξεται Θουκρίτου.
Πλούτων θάρρει, ὦ Τερψίων· καὶ Φείδων γὰρ καὶ Μέλανθος καὶ ὅλως ἅπαντες προελεύσονται αὐτοῦ ὑπὸ ταῖς αὐταῖς φροντίσιν.
Τερψίων ἐπαινῶ ταῦτα. ζώοις ἐπὶ μήκιστον, ὦ Θουκριτε.
PLUTO There is a great deal more sound sense in it than you suppose, Terpsion. Besides, what right have you young fellows got to be prying after other men’s goods, and thrusting yourselves upon your childless elders? You look rather foolish, when you get buried first; it tickles people immensely; the more fervent your prayers for the death of your aged friend, the greater is the general exultation when you precede him. It has become quite a profession lately, this amorous devotion to old men and women,—childless, of course; children destroy the illusion. By the way though, some of the beloved objects see through your dirty motives well enough by now; they have children, but they pretend to hate them, and so have lovers all the same. When their wills come to be read, their faithful bodyguard is not included: nature asserts itself, the children get their rights, and the lovers realize, with gnashings of teeth, that they have been taken in.
TERPSION Too true! The luxuries that Thucritus has enjoyed at my expense! He always looked as if he were at the point of death. I never went to see him, but he would groan and squeak like a chicken barely out of the shell: I considered that he might step into his coffin at any moment, and heaped gift upon gift, for fear of being outdone in generosity by my rivals; I passed anxious, sleepless nights, reckoning and arranging all; ‘twas this, the sleeplessness and the anxiety, that brought me to my death. And he swallows my bait whole, and attends my funeral chuckling.
PLUTO Well done, Thucritus! Long may you live to enjoy your wealth,—and your joke at the youngsters’ expense; many a toady may you send hither before your own time comes!
TERPSION Now I think of it, it would be a satisfaction if Charoeades were to die before him.
PLUTO Charoeades! My dear Terpsion, Phido, Melanthus,—every one of them will be here before Thucritus,—all victims of this same anxiety!
TERPSION That is as it should be. Hold on, Thucritus!
Ζηνόφαντος σὺ δέ, ὦ Καλλιδημίδη, πῶς ἀπέθανες; ἐγὼ μὲν γὰρ ὅτι παράσιτος ὢν Δεινίου πλέον τοῦ ἱκανοῦ ἐμφαγὼν ἀπεπνίγην, οἶσθα· παρῆς γὰρ ἀποθνήσκοντί μοι.
Καλλιδημίδης παρῆν, ὦ Ζηνόφαντε· τὸ δὲ ἐμὸν παράδοξόν τι ἐγένετο. οἶσθα γὰρ καὶ σύ που Πτοιόδωρον τὸν γέροντα;
Ζηνόφαντος τὸν ἄτεκνον, τὸν πλούσιον, ᾧ σε τὰ πολλὰ ᾔδειν συνόντα.
Καλλιδημίδης ἐκεῖνον αὐτὸν ἀεὶ ἐθεράπευον ὑπισχνούμενον ἐπʼ ἐμοὶ τεθνήξεσθαι. ἐπεὶ δὲ τὸ πρᾶγμα ἐς μήκιστον ἐπεγίνετο καὶ ὑπὲρ τὸν Τιθωνὸν ὁ γέρων ἔζη, ἐπίτομόν τινα ὁδὸν ἐπὶ τὸν κλῆρον ἐξεῦρον· πριάμενος γὰρ φάρμακον ἀνέπεισα τὸν οἰνοχόον, ἐπειδὰν τάχιστα ὁ Πτοιόδωρος αἰτήσῃ πιεῖν, — πίνει δὲ ἐπιεικῶς ζωρότερον — ἐμβαλόντα ἐς κύλικα ἕτοιμον ἔχειν αὐτὸ καὶ ἐπιδοῦναι αὐτῷ· εἰ δὲ τοῦτο ποιήσειεν, ἐλεύθερον ἐπωμοσάμην ἀφήσειν αὐτόν.
Ζηνόφαντος τί οὖν ἐγένετο; πάνυ γάρ τι παράδοξον ἐρεῖν ἔοικας.
Καλλιδημίδης ἐπεὶ τοίνυν λουσάμενοι ἥκομεν, δύο δὴ ὁ μειρακίσκος κύλικας ἑτοίμους ἔχων τὴν μὲν τῷ Πτοιοδώρῳ τὴν ἔχουσαν τὸ φάρμακον, τὴν δὲ ἑτέραν ἐμοί, σφαλεὶς οὐκ οἶδʼ ὅπως ἐμοὶ μὲν τὸ φάρμακον, Πτοιοδώρῳ δὲ τὸ ἀφάρμακτον ἔδωκεν· εἶτα ὁ μὲν ἔπινεν, ἐγὼ δὲ αὐτίκα μάλα ἐκτάδην ἐκείμην ὑποβολιμαῖος ἀντʼ ἐκείνου νεκρός. τί τοῦτο γελᾷς, ὦ Ζηνόφαντε; καὶ μὴν οὐκ ἔδει γε ἑταίρῳ ἀνδρὶ ἐπιγελᾶν
Ζηνόφαντος ἀστεῖα γάρ, ὦ Καλλιδημίδη, πέπονθας. ὁ γέρων δὲ τί πρὸς ταῦτα;
Καλλιδημίδης πρῶτον μὲν ὑπεταράχθη πρὸς τὸ αἰφνίδιον, εἶτα συνείς, οἶμαι, τὸ γεγενημένον ἐγέλα καὶ αὐτός, οἷά γε ὁ οἰνοχόος εἴργασται.
Ζηνόφαντος πλὴν ἀλλʼ οὐδὲ σὲ τὴν ἐπίτομον ἐχρῆν τραπέσθαι· ἧκε γὰρ ἄν σοι διὰ τῆς λεωφόρου ἀσφαλέστερον, εἰ καὶ ὀλίγῳ βραδύτερον.
ZENOPHANTUS Ah, Callidemides, and how did you come by your end? As for me, I was free of Dinias’s table, and there died of a surfeit; but that is stale news; you were there, of course.
CALLIDEMIDES Yes, I was. Now there was an element of surprise about my fate. I suppose you know that old Ptoeodorus?
ZENOPHANTUS The rich man with no children, to whom you gave most of your company?
CALLIDEMIDES That is the man; he had promised to leave me his heir, and I used to show my appreciation. However, it went on such a time; Tithonus was a juvenile to him; so I found a short cut to my property. I bought a potion, and agreed with the butler that next time his master called for wine (he is a pretty stiff drinker) he should have this ready in a cup and present it; and I was pledged to reward the man with his freedom.
ZENOPHANTUS And what happened? this is interesting.
CALLIDEMIDES When we came from bath, the young fellow had two cups ready, one with the poison for Ptoeodorus, and the other for me; but by some blunder he handed me the poisoned cup, and Ptoeodorus the plain; and behold, before he had done drinking, there was I sprawling on the ground, a vicarious corpse! Why are you laughing so, Zenophantus? I am your friend; such mirth is unseemly.
ZENOPHANTUS Well, it was such a humorous exit. And how did the old man behave?
CALLIDEMIDES He was dreadfully distressed for the moment; then he saw, I suppose, and laughed as much as you over the butler’s trick.
ZENOPHANTUS Ah, short cuts are no better for you than for other people, you see; the high road would have been safer, if not quite so quick.
Κνήμων τοῦτο ἐκεῖνο τὸ τῆς παροιμίας· ὁ νεβρὸς τὸν λέοντα.
Δαμασίας τί ἀγανακτεῖς, ὦ Κνήμων;
Κνήμων πυνθάνῃ ὅ τι ἀγανακτῶ; κληρονόμον ἀκούσιον καταλέλοιπα κατασοφισθεὶς ἄθλιος, οὓς ἐβουλόμην ἂν μάλιστα σχεῖν τἀμὰ παραλιπών.
Δαμασίας πῶς τοῦτο ἐγένετο;
Κνήμων Ἑρμόλαον τὸν πάνυ πλούσιον ἄτεκνον ὄντα ἐθεράπευον ἐπὶ θανάτῳ, κἀκεῖνος οὐκ ἀηδῶς τὴν θεραπείαν προσίετο. ἔδοξε δή μοι καὶ σοφὸν τοῦτο εἶναι, θέσθαι διαθήκας ἐς τὸ φανερόν, ἐν αἷς ἐκείνῳ καταλέλοιπα τἀμὰ πάντα, ὡς κἀκεῖνος ζηλώσειε καὶ τὰ αὐτὰ πράξειε.
Δαμασίας τί οὖν δὴ ἐκεῖνος;
Κνήμων ὅ τι μὲν αὐτὸς ἐνέγραψε ταῖς ἑαυτοῦ διαθήκαις οὐκ οἶδα ἐγὼ γοῦν ἄφνω ἀπέθανον τοῦ τέγους μοι ἐπιπεσόντος, καὶ νῦν Ἑρμόλαος ἔχει τἀμὰ ὥσπερ τις λαβραξ καὶ τὸ ἄγκιστρον τῷ δελέατι συγκατασπάσας.
Δαμασίας Οὐ μόνον, ἀλλὰ καὶ αὐτόν σε τὸν ἁλιέα· ὥστε σόφισμα κατὰ σαυτοῦ συντέθεικας.
Κνήμων ἔοικα· οἰμώζω τοιγαροῦν.
CNEMON Why, ‘tis the proverb fulfilled! The fawn hath taken the lion.
DAMNIPPUS What’s the matter, Cnemon?
CNEMON The matter! I have been fooled, miserably fooled. I have passed over all whom I should have liked to make my heirs, and left my money to the wrong man.
DAMNIPPUS How was that?
CNEMON I had been speculating on the death of Hermolaus, the millionaire. He had no children, and my attentions had been well received by him. I thought it would be a good idea to let him know that I had made my will in his favour, on the chance of its exciting his emulation.
DAMNIPPUS Yes; and Hermolaus?
CNEMON What his will was, I don’t know. I died suddenly,—the roof came down about my ears; and now Hermolaus is my heir. The pike has swallowed hook and bait.
DAMNIPPUS And your anglership into the bargain. The pit that you digged for other….
CNEMON That’s about the truth of the matter, confound it.
Σιμύλος ἥκεις ποτέ, ὦ Πολύστρατε, καὶ σὺ παρʼ ἡμᾶς ἔτη οἶμαι οὐ πολὺ ἀποδέοντα τῶν ἑκατὸν βεβιωκώς;
Πολύστρατος ὀκτὼ ἐπὶ τοῖς ἐνενήκοντα, ὦ Σιμύλε.
Σιμύλος πῶς δαὶ τὰ μετʼ ἐμὲ ταῦτα ἐβίως τριάκοντα; ἐγὼ γὰρ ἀμφὶ τὰ ἑβδομήκοντά σου ὄντος ἀπέθανον.
Πολύστρατος Ὑπερήδιστα, εἰ καί σοι παράδοξον τοῦτο δόξει.
Σιμύλος παράδοξον, εἰ γέρων τε καὶ ἀσθενὴς ἄτεκνός τε προσέτι ἥδεσθαι τοῖς ἐν τῷ βίῳ ἐδύνασο.
Πολύστρατος τὸ μὲν πρῶτον ἅπαντα ἐδυνάμην· ἔτι καὶ παῖδες ὡραῖοι ἦσαν πολλοὶ καὶ γυναῖκες ἁβρόταται καὶ μύρα καὶ οἶνος ἀνθοσμίας καὶ τράπεζα ὑπὲρ τὰς ἐν Σικελίᾳ.
Σιμύλος καινὰ ταῦτα· ἐγὼ γάρ σε πάνυ φειδόμενον ἠπιστάμην.
Πολύστρατος ἀλλʼ ἐπέρρει μοι, ὦ γενναῖε, παρʼ ἄλλων τἀγαθά· καὶ ἕωθεν μὲν εὐθὺς ἐπὶ θύρας ἐφοίτων μάλα πολλοί, μετὰ δὲ παντοῖά μοι δῶρα προσήγετο ἁπανταχόθεν τῆς γῆς τὰ κάλλιστα.
Σιμύλος Ἐτυράννησας, ὦ Πολύστρατε, μετʼ ἐμέ;
Πολύστρατος οὔκ, ἀλλʼ ἐραστὰς εἶχον μυρίους.
Σιμύλος ἐγέλασα· ἐραστὰς σὺ τηλικοῦτος ὤν, ὀδόντας τέτταρας ἔχων;
Πολύστρατος νὴ Δία, τοὺς ἀρίστους γε τῶν ἐν τῇ πόλει· καὶ γέροντά με καὶ φαλακρόν, ὡς ὁρᾷς, ὄντα καὶ ληαῶντα προσέτι καὶ κορυζῶντα ὑπερήδοντο θεραπεύοντες, καὶ μακάριος ἦν αὐτῶν ὅντινα ἂν καὶ μόνον προσέβλεψα.
Σιμύλος μῶν καὶ σύ τινα ὥσπερ ὁ Φάων τὴν Ἀφροδίτην ἐκ Χίου διεπόρθμευσας, εἶτά σοι εὐξαμένῳ ἔδωκε νέον εἶναι καὶ καλὸν ἐξ ὑπαρχῆς καὶ ἀξιέραστον;
Πολύστρατος οὔκ, ἀλλὰ τοιοῦτος ὢν περιπόθητος ἦν.
Σιμύλος αἰνίγματα λέγεις.
Πολύστρατος καὶ μὴν πρόδηλός γε ὁ ἔρως οὑτοσὶ πολὺς ὢν ὁ περὶ τοὺς ἀτέκνους καὶ πλουσίους γέροντας.
Σιμύλος νῦν μανθάνω σου τὸ κάλλος, ὦ θαυμάσιε, ὅτι παρὰ τῆς χρυσῆς Ἀφροδίτης ἦν.
Πολύστρατος ἀτάρ, ὦ Σιμύλε, οὐκ ὀλίγα τῶν ἐραστῶν ἀπολέλαυκα μονονουχὶ προσκυνούμενος ὑπʼ αὐτῶν· καὶ ἐθρυπτόμην δὲ πολλάκις καὶ ἀπέκλειον αὐτῶν τινας ἐνίοτε, οἱ δὲ ἡμιλλῶντο καὶ ἀλλήλους ὑπερεβάλλοντο ἐν τῇ περὶ ἐμὲ φιλοτιμίᾳ.
Σιμύλος τέλος δʼ οὖν πῶς ἐβουλεύσω περὶ τῶν κτημάτων;
Πολύστρατος ἐς τὸ φανερὸν μὲν ἕκαστον αὐτῶν κληρονόμον ἀπολιπεῖν ἔφασκον, ὁ δʼ ἐπίστευέ τε ἂν καὶ κολακευτικώτερον παρεσκεύαζεν ἑαυτόν, ἄλλας δὲ τὰς ἀληθεῖς διαθήκας ἔχων, ἐκείνας κατέλιπον οἰμώζειν ἅπασι φράσας.
Σιμύλος τίνα δὲ αἱ τελευταῖαι τὸν κληρονόμον ἔσχον; ἦ πού τινα τῶν ἀπὸ τοῦ γένους;
Πολύστρατος οὐ μὰ Δία, ἀλλὰ νεώνητόν τινα τῶν μειρακίων τῶν ὡραίων Φρύγα.
Σιμύλος ἀμφὶ πόσα ἔτη, ὦ Πολύστρατε;
Πολύστρατος σχεδὸν ἀμφὶ τὰ εἴκοσι.
Σιμύλος ἤδη μανθάνω ἅτινά σοι ἐκεῖνος ἐχαρίζετο.
Πολύστρατος πλὴν ἀλλὰ πολὺ ἐκείνων ἀξιώτερος κληρονομεῖν, εἰ καὶ βάρβαρος ἦν καὶ ὄλεθρος, ὃν ἤδη καὶ αυτοὶ οἱ ἄριστοι θεραπεύουσιν. ἐκεῖνος τοίνυν ἐκληρονόμησέ μου καὶ νῦν ἐν τοῖς εὐπατρίδαις ἀριθμεῖται ὑπεξυρημένος μὲν τὸ γένειον καὶ βαρβαρίζων, Κόδρου δὲ εὐγενέστερος καὶ Νιρέως καλλίων καὶ Ὀδυσσέως συνετώτερος λεγόμενος εἶναι.
Σιμύλος οὔ μοι μέλει· καὶ στρατηγησάτω τῆς Ἑλλάδος, εἰ δοκεῖ, ἐκεῖνοι δὲ μὴ κληρονομείτωσαν μόνον.
SIMYLUS So here you are at last, Polystratus; you must be something very like a centenarian.
POLYSTRATUS Ninety-eight.
SIMYLUS And what sort of a life have you had of it, these thirty years? you were about seventy when I died.
POLYSTRATUS Delightful, though you may find it hard to believe.
SIMYLUS It is surprising that you could have any joy of your life—old, weak, and childless, moreover.
POLYSTRATUS In the first place, I could do just what I liked; there were still plenty of handsome boys and dainty women; perfumes were sweet, wine kept its bouquet, Sicilian feasts were nothing to mine.
SIMYLUS This is a change, to be sure; you were very economical in my day.
POLYSTRATUS Ah, but, my simple friend, these good things were presents—came in streams. From dawn my doors were thronged with visitors, and in the day it was a procession of the fairest gifts of earth.
SIMYLUS Why, you must have seized the crown after my death.
POLYSTRATUS Oh no, it was only that I inspired a number of tender passions.
SIMYLUS Tender passions, indeed! what, you, an old man with hardly a tooth left in your head!
POLYSTRATUS Certainly; the first of our townsmen were in love with me. Such as you see me, old, bald, blear-eyed, rheumy, they delighted to do me honour; happy was the man on whom my glance rested a moment.
SIMYLUS Well, then, you had some adventure like Phaon’s, when he rowed Aphrodite across from Chios; your God granted your prayer and made you young and fair and lovely again.
POLYSTRATUS No, no; I was as you see me, and I was the object of all desire.
SIMYLUS Oh, I give it up.
POLYSTRATUS Why, I should have thought you knew the violent passion for old men who have plenty of money and no children.
SIMYLUS Ah, now I comprehend your beauty, old fellow; it was the Golden Aphrodite bestowed it.
POLYSTRATUS I assure you, Simylus, I had a good deal of satisfaction out of my lovers; they idolized me, almost. Often I would be coy and shut some of them out. Such rivalries! such jealous emulations!
SIMYLUS And how did you dispose of your fortune in the end?
POLYSTRATUS I gave each an express promise to make him my heir; he believed, and treated me to more attentions than ever; meanwhile I had another genuine will, which was the one I left, with a message to them all to go hang.
SIMYLUS Who was the heir by this one? one of your relations, I suppose.
POLYSTRATUS Not likely; it was a handsome young Phrygian I had lately bought.
SIMYLUS Age?
POLYSTRATUS About twenty.
SIMYLUS Ah, I can guess his office.
POLYSTRATUS Well, you know, he deserved the inheritance much better than they did; he was a barbarian and a rascal; but by this time he has the best of society at his beck. So he inherited; and now he is one of the aristocracy; his smooth chin and his foreign accent are no bars to his being called nobler than Codrus, handsomer than Nireus, wiser than Odysseus.
SIMYLUS Well, I don’t mind; let him be Emperor of Greece, if he likes, so long as he keeps the property away from that other crew.
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