Χάρων ἀκούσατε ὡς ἔχει ἡμῖν τὰ πράγματα. μικρὸν μὲν ἡμῖν, ὡς ὁρᾶτε, τὸ σκαφίδιον καὶ ὑπόσαθρόν ἐστι καὶ διαρρεῖ τὰ πολλά, καὶ ἢν τραπῇ ἐπὶ θάτερα, οἰχήσεται περιτραπέν, ὑμεῖς δὲ ἅμα τοσοῦτοι ἥκετε πολλὰ ἐπιφερόμενοι ἕκαστος. ἢν οὖν μετὰ τούτων ἐμβῆτε, δέδια μὴ ὕστερον μετανοήσητε, καὶ μάλιστα ὁπόσοι νεῖν οὐκ ἐπίστασθε.
Ἑρμῆς πῶς οὖν ποιήσαντες εὐπλοήσομεν;
Χάρων ἐγὼ ὑμῖν φράσω· γυμνοὺς ἐπιβαίνειν χρὴ τὰ περιττὰ ταῦτα πάντα ἐπὶ τῆς ἠϊόνος καταλιπόντας· μόλις γὰρ ἂν καὶ οὕτως δέξαιτο ὑμᾶς τὸ πορθμεῖον. σοὶ δέ, ὦ Ἑρμῆ, μελήσει τὸ ἀπὸ τούτου μηδένα παραδέχεσθαι αὐτῶν, ὃς ἂν μὴ ψιλὸς ᾖ καὶ τὰ ἔπιπλα, ὥσπερ ἔφην, ἀποβαλών. παρὰ δὲ τὴν ἀποβάθραν ἑστὼς διαγίνωσκε αὐτοὺς καὶ ἀναλάμβανε γυμνοὺς ἐπιβαίνειν ἀναγκάζων.
Ἑρμῆς εὖ λέγεις, καὶ οὕτω ποιήσωμεν. — οὑτοσὶ τίς ὁ πρῶτός ἐστι;
Μένιππος Μένιππος ἔγωγε. ἀλλʼ ἰδοὺ ἡ πήρα μοι, ὦ Ερμῆ, καὶ τὸ βάκτρον ἐς τὴν λίμνην ἀπερρίφθων, τὸν τρίβωνα δὲ οὐδὲ ἐκόμισα εὖ ποιῶν.
Ἑρμῆς ἔμβαινε, ὦ Μένιππε ἀνδρῶν ἄριστε, καὶ τὴν προεδρίαν παρὰ τὸν κυβερνήτην ἔχε ἐφʼ ὑψηλοῦ, ὡς ἐπισκοπῇς ἅπαντας. ὁ καλὸς δʼ οὗτος τίς ἐστι;
Χάρων Χαρμόλεως ὁ Μεγαρικὸς ὁ ἐπέραστος, οὗ τὸ φίλημα διτάλαντον ἦν.
Ἑρμῆς ἀπόδυθι τοιγαροῦν τὸ κάλλος καὶ τὰ χείλη αὐτοῖς φιλήμασι καὶ τὴν κόμην τὴν βαθεῖαν καὶ τὸ ἐπὶ τῶν παρειῶν ἐρύθημα καὶ τὸ δέρμα ὅλον. ἔχει καλῶς, εὔζωνος εἶ, ἐπίβαινε ἤδη.
Ἑρμῆς ὁ δὲ τὴν πορφυρίδα οὑτοσὶ καὶ τὸ διάδημα ὁ βλοσυρὸς τίς ὢν τυγχάνεις;
Λάμπιχος Λάμπιχος Γελῴων τύραννος.
Ἑρμῆς τί οὖν, ὦ Λάμπιχε, τοσαῦτα ἔχων πάρει;
Λάμπιχος τί οὖν; ἐχρῆν, ὦ Ἑρμῆ, γυμνὸν ἥκειν τύραννον ἄνδρα;
Ἑρμῆς τύραννον μὲν οὐδαμῶς, νεκρὸν δὲ μάλα· ὥστε ἀπόθου ταῦτα.
Λάμπιχος ἰδού σοι ὁ πλοῦτος ἀπέρριπται.
Ἑρμῆς καὶ τὸν τῦφον ἀπόρριψον, ὦ Λάμπιχε, καὶ τὴν ὑπεροψίαν· βαρήσει γὰρ τὸ πορθμεῖον συνεμπεσόντα.
Λάμπιχος οὐκοῦν ἀλλὰ τὸ διάδημα ἔασόν με ἔχειν καὶ τὴν ἐφεστρίδα.
Ἑρμῆς οὐδαμῶς, ἀλλὰ καὶ ταῦτα ἄφες.
Λάμπιχος εἶεν. τί ἔτι; πάντα γὰρ ἀφῆκα, ὡς ὁρᾷς.
Ἑρμῆς καὶ τὴν ὠμότητα καὶ τὴν ἄνοιαν καὶ τὴν ὕβριν καὶ τὴν ὀργήν, καὶ ταῦτα ἄφες.
Λάμπιχος ἰδού σοι ψιλός εἰμι.
Ἑρμῆς ἔμβαινε ἤδη. σὺ δὲ ὁ παχύς, ὁ πολύσαρκος τίς ὢν τυγχάνεις;
Δαμασίας Δαμασίας ὁ ἀθλητής.
Ἑρμῆς ναί, ἔοικας· οἶδα γάρ σε πολλάκις ἐν ταῖς παλαίστραις ἰδών.
Δαμασίας ναί, ὦ Ἑρμῆ· ἀλλὰ παράδεξαί με γυμνὸν ὄντα.
Ἑρμῆς οὐ γυμνόν, ὦ βέλτιστε, τοσαύτας σάρκας περιβεβλημένον· ὥστε ἀπόδυθι αὐτάς, ἐπεὶ καταδύσεις τὸ σκάφος τὸν ἕτερον πόδα ὑπερθεὶς μόνον· ἀλλὰ καὶ τοὺς στεφάνους τούτους ἀπόρριψον καὶ τὰ κηρύγματα.
Δαμασίας ἰδού σοι γυμνός, ὡς ὁρᾷς, ἀληθῶς εἰμι καὶ ἰσοστάσιος τοῖς ἄλλοις νεκροῖς.
CHARON I’ll tell you how things stand. Our craft, as you see, is small, and leaky, and three-parts rotten; a single lurch, and she will capsize without more ado. And here are all you passengers, each with his luggage. If you come on board like that, I am afraid you may have cause to repent it; especially those who have not learnt to swim.
HERMES Then how are we to make a trip of it?
CHARON I’ll tell you. They must leave all this nonsense behind them on shore, and come aboard in their skins. As it is, there will be no room to spare. And in future, Hermes, mind you admit no one till he has cleared himself of encumbrances, as I say. Stand by the gangway, and keep an eye on them, and make them strip before you let them pass.
HERMES Very good. Well, Number One, who are you?
MENIPPUS Menippus. Here are my wallet and staff; overboard with them. I had the sense not to bring my cloak.
HERMES Pass on, Menippus; you’re a good fellow; you shall have the seat of honour, up by the pilot, where you can see every one.—Here is a handsome person; who is he?
CHARMOLEOS Charmoleos of Megara; the irresistible, whose kiss was worth a thousand pounds.
HERMES That beauty must come off,—lips, kisses, and all; the flowing locks, the blushing cheeks, the skin entire. That’s right. Now we’re in better trim;—you may pass on.—And who is the stunning gentleman in the purple and the diadem?
LAMPICHUS I am Lampichus, tyrant of Gela.
HERMES And what is all this splendour doing here, Lampichus?
LAMPICHUS How! would you have a tyrant come hither stripped?
HERMES A tyrant! That would be too much to expect. But with a shade we must insist. Off with these things.
LAMPICHUS There, then: away goes my wealth.
HERMES Pomp must go too, and pride; we shall be overfreighted else.
LAMPICHUS At least let me keep my diadem and robes.
HERMES No, no; off they come!
LAMPICHUS Well? That is all, as you see for yourself.
HERMES There is something more yet: cruelty, folly, insolence, hatred.
LAMPICHUS There then: I am bare.
HERMES Pass on.—And who may you be, my bulky friend?
DAMASIAS Damasias the athlete.
HERMES To be sure; many is the time I have seen you in the gymnasium.
DAMASIAS You have. Well, I have peeled; let me pass.
HERMES Peeled! my dear sir, what, with all this fleshy encumbrance? Come, off with it; we should go to the bottom if you put one foot aboard. And those crowns, those victories, remove them.
DAMASIAS There; no mistake about it this time; I am as light as any shade among them.
Ἑρμῆς οὕτως ἄμεινον ἀβαρῆ εἶναι· ὥστε ἔμβαινε. καὶ σὺ δὲ τὸν πλοῦτον ἀποθέμενος, ὦ Κράτων, καὶ τὴν μαλακίαν δὲ προσέτι καὶ τὴν τρυφὴν μηδὲ τὰ ἐντάφια κόμιζε μηδὲ τὰ τῶν προγόνων ἀξιώματα, κατάλιπε δὲ καὶ γένος καὶ δόξαν καὶ εἴ ποτέ σε ἡ πόλις ἀνεκήρυξε καὶ τὰς τῶν ἀνδριάντων ἐπιγραφάς, μηδέ, ὅτι μέγαν τάφον ἐπί σοι ἔχωσαν, λέγε· βαρύνει γὰρ καὶ ταῦτα μνημονευόμενα.
Κράτων οὐχ ἑκὼν μέν, ἀπορρίψω δέ· τί γὰρ ἂν καὶ πάθοιμι;
Ἑρμῆς βαβαῖ. σὺ δὲ ὁ ἔνοπλος τί βούλει; ἢ τί τὸ τρόπαιον τοῦτο φέρεις;
Στρατηγός ὅτι ἐνίκησα, ὦ Ἑρμῆ, καὶ ἠρίστευσα καὶ ἡ πόλις ἐτίμησέ με.
Ἑρμῆς ἄφες ὑπὲρ γῆς τὸ τρόπαιον· ἐν ᾅδου γὰρ εἰρήνη καὶ οὐδὲν ὅπλων δεήσει.
Ἑρμῆς ὁ σεμνὸς δὲ οὗτος ἀπό γε τοῦ σχήματος καὶ βρενθυόμενος, ὁ τὰς ὀφρῦς ἐπηρκώς, ὁ ἐπὶ τῶν φροντίδων τίς ἐστιν, ὁ τὸν βαθὺν πώγωνα καθειμένος;
Μένιππος φιλόσοφός τις, ὦ Ἑρμῆ, μᾶλλον δὲ γόης καὶ τερατείας μεστός· ὥστε ἀπόδυσον καὶ τοῦτον· ὄψει γὰρ πολλὰ καὶ γελοῖα ὑπὸ τῷ ἱματίῳ σκεπόμενα.
Ἑρμῆς ἀπόθου σὺ τὸ σχῆμα πρῶτον, εἶτα καὶ ταυτὶ πάντα. ὦ Ζεῦ, ὅσην μὲν τὴν ἀλαζονείαν κομίζει, ὅσην δὲ ἀμαθίαν καὶ ἔριν καὶ κενοδοξίαν καὶ ἐρωτήσεις ἀπόρους καὶ λόγους ἀκανθώδεις καὶ ἐννοίας πολυπλόκους, ἀλλὰ καὶ ματαιοπονίαν μάλα πολλὴν καὶ λῆρον οὐκ ὀλίγον καὶ ὕθλους καὶ μικρολογίαν, νὴ Δία καὶ χρυσίον γε τουτὶ καὶ ἡδυπάθειαν δὲ καὶ ἀναισχυντίαν καὶ ὀργὴν καὶ τρυφὴν καὶ μαλακίαν· οὐ λέληθε γάρ με, εἰ καὶ μάλα περικρύπτεις αὐτά. καὶ τὸ ψεῦδος δὲ ἀπόθου καὶ τὸν τῦφον καὶ τὸ οἴεσθαι ἀμείνων εἶναι τῶν ἄλλων· ὡς εἴ γε ταῦτα πάντα ἔχων ἐμβαίης, ποία πεντηκόντορος δέξαιτο ἄν σε;
φιλόσοφος ἀποτίθεμαι τοίνυν αὐτά, ἐπείπερ οὕτω κελεύεις.
Μένιππος ἀλλὰ καὶ τὸν πώγωνα τοῦτον ἀποθέσθω, ὦ Ἑρμῆ, βαρύν τε ὄντα καὶ λάσιον, ὡς ὁρᾶς· πέντε μναῖ τριχῶν εἰσι τοὐλάχιστον.
Ἑρμῆς εὖ λέγεις· ἀπόθου καὶ τοῦτον.
φιλόσοφος καὶ τίς ὁ ἀποκείρων ἔσται;
Ἑρμῆς Μένιππος οὑτοσὶ λαβὼν πέλεκυν τῶν ναυπηγικῶν ἀποκόψει αὐτὸν ἐπικόπῳ τῇ ἀποβάθρᾳ χρησάμενος.
Μένιππος οὔκ, ὦ Ἑρμῆ, ἀλλὰ πρίονά μοι ἀνάδος· γελοιότερον γὰρ τοῦτο.
Ἑρμῆς ὁ πέλεκυς ἱκανός. εὖ γε. ἀνθρωπινώτερος νῦν ἀναπέφηνας ἀποθέμενος σαυτοῦ τὴν κινάβραν.
Μένιππος βούλει μικρὸν ἀφέλωμαι καὶ τῶν ὀφρύων;
Ἑρμῆς μάλιστα· ὑπὲρ τὸ μέτωπον γὰρ καὶ ταύτας ἐπῆρκεν, οὐκ οἶδα ἐφʼ ὅτῳ ἀνατείνων ἑαυτόν. τί τοῦτο; καὶ δακρύεις, ὦ κάθαρμα, καὶ πρὸς θάνατον ἀποδειλιᾷς; ἔμβηθι δʼ οὖν.
Μένιππος ἓν ἔτι τὸ βαρύτατον ὑπὸ μάλης ἔχει.
Ἑρμῆς τί, ὦ Μένιππε;
Μένιππος κολακείαν, ὦ Ἑρμῆ, πολλὰ χρησιμεύσασαν αὐτῷ ἐν τῷ βίῳ.
Φιλόσοφος οὐκοῦν καὶ σύ, ὦ Μένιππε, ἀπόθου τὴν ἐλευθερίαν καὶ παρρησίαν καὶ τὸ ἄλυπον καὶ τὸ γενναῖον καὶ τὸν γέλωτα· μόνος γοῦν τῶν ἄλλων γελᾷς.
Ἑρμῆς μηδαμῶς, ἀλλὰ καὶ ἔχε ταῦτα, κοῦφα γὰρ καὶ πάνυ εὔφορα ὄντα καὶ πρὸς τὸν κατάπλουν χρήσιμα.
HERMES That’s more the kind of thing. On with you.—Crato, you can take off that wealth and luxury and effeminacy; and we can’t have that funeral pomp here, nor those ancestral glories either; down with your rank and reputation, and any votes of thanks or inscriptions you have about you; and you need not tell us what size your tomb was; remarks of that kind come heavy.
CRATON Well, if I must, I must; there’s no help for it.
HERMES Hullo! in full armour? What does this mean? and why this trophy?
A GENERAL I am a great conqueror; a valiant warrior; my country’s pride.
HERMES The trophy may stop behind; we are at peace; there is no demand for arms.—Whom have we here? whose is this knitted brow, this flowing beard? ‘Tis some reverend sage, if outside goes for anything; he mutters; he is wrapped in meditation.
MENIPPUS That’s a philosopher, Hermes; and an impudent quack not the bargain. Have him out of that cloak; you will find something to amuse you underneath it.
HERMES Off with your clothes first; and then we will see to the rest. My goodness, what a bundle: quackery, ignorance, quarrelsomeness, vainglory; idle questionings, prickly arguments, intricate conceptions; humbug and gammon and wishy-washy hair-splittings without end; and hullo! why here’s avarice, and self-indulgence, and impudence! luxury, effeminacy and peevishness!—Yes, I see them all; you need not try to hide them. Away with falsehood and swagger and superciliousness; why, the three-decker is not built that would hold you with all this luggage.
A PHILOSOPHER I resign them all, since such is your bidding.
MENIPPUS Have his beard off too, Hermes; only look what a ponderous bush of a thing! There’s a good five pounds’ weight there.
HERMES Yes; the beard must go.
PHILOSOPHER And who shall shave me?
HERMES Menippus here shall take it off with the carpenter’s axe; the gangway will serve for a block.
MENIPPUS Oh, can’t I have a saw, Hermes? It would be much better fun.
HERMES The axe must serve.—Shrewdly chopped!—Why, you look more like a man and less like a goat already.
MENIPPUS A little off the eyebrows?
HERMES Why, certainly; he has trained them up all over his forehead, for reasons best known to himself.—Worm! what, snivelling? afraid of death? Oh, get on board with you.
MENIPPUS He has still got the biggest thumper of all under his arm.
HERMES What’s that?
MENIPPUS Flattery; many is the good turn that has done him.
PHILOSOPHER Oh, all right, Menippus; suppose you leave your independence behind you, and your plain—speaking, and your indifference, and your high spirit, and your jests!—No one else here has a jest about him.
HERMES Don’t you, Menippus! you stick to them; useful commodities, these, on shipboard; light and handy.—You rhetorician there, with your verbosities and your barbarisms, your antitheses and balances and periods, off with the whole pack of them.
RHETORICIAN Away they go.
Ἑρμῆς καὶ ὁ ῥήτωρ δὲ σὺ ἀπόθου τῶν ῥημάτων τὴν τοσαύτην ἀπεραντολογίαν καὶ ἀντιθέσεις καὶ παρισώσεις καὶ περιόδους καὶ βαρβαρισμοὺς καὶ τὰ ἄλλα βάρη τῶν λόγων.
Ῥήτωρ ἢν ἰδού, ἀποτίθεμαι.
Ἑρμῆς εὖ ἔχει· ὥστε λύε τὰ ἀπόγεια, τὴν ἀποβάθραν ἀνελώμεθα, τὸ ἀγκύριον ἀνεσπάσθω, πέτασον τὸ ἱστίον, εὔθυνε, ὦ πορθμεῦ, τὸ πηδάλιον· εὐπλοῶμεν.
Ἑρμῆς τί οἰμώζετε, ὦ μάταιοι, καὶ μάλιστα ὁ φιλόσοφος σὺ ὁ ἀρτίως τὸν πώγωνα δεδῃωμένος;
Φιλόσοφος ὅτι, ὦ Ἑρμῆ, ἀθάνατον ᾤμην τὴν ψυχὴν ὑπάρχειν.
Μένιππος ψεύδεται· ἄλλα γὰρ ἔοικε λυπεῖν αὐτόν.
Ἑρμῆς τὰ ποῖα;
Μένιππος ὅτι μηκέτι δειπνήσει πολυτελῆ δεῖπνα μηδὲ νύκτωρ ἐξιὼν ἅπαντας λανθάνων τῷ ἱματίῳ τὴν κεφαλὴν κατειλήσας περίεισιν ἐν κύκλῳ τὰ χαμαιτυπεῖα, καὶ ἕωθεν ἐξαπατῶν τοὺς νέους ἐπὶ τῇ σοφίᾳ ἀργύριον λήψεται· ταῦτα λυπεῖ αὐτόν.
Φιλόσοφος σὺ γάρ, ὦ Μένιππε, οὐκ ἄχθῃ ἀποθανών;
Μένιππος πῶς, ὃς ἔσπευσα ἐπὶ τὸν θάνατον καλέσαντος μηδενός;
Μένιππος ἀλλὰ μεταξὺ λόγων. οὐ κραυγή τις ἀκούεται ὥσπερ τινῶν ἀπὸ γῆς βοώντων;
Ἑρμῆς ναί, ὦ Μένιππε, οὐκ ἀφʼ ἑνός γε χωρίου, ἀλλʼ οἱ μὲν ἐς τὴν ἐκκλησίαν συνελθόντες ἄσμενοι γελῶσι πάντες ἐπὶ τῷ Λαμπίχου θανάτῳ καὶ ἡ γυνὴ αὐτοῦ συνέχεται πρὸς τῶν γυναικῶν καὶ τὰ παιδία νεογνὰ ὄντα ὁμοίως κἀκεῖνα ὑπὸ τῶν παίδων βάλλεται ἀφθόνοις τοῖς λίθοις· ἄλλοι δὲ Διόφαντον τὸν ῥήτορα ἐπαινοῦσιν ἐν Σικυῶνι ἐπιταφίους λόγους διεξιόντα ἐπὶ Κράτωνι τούτῳ. καὶ νὴ Δία γε ἡ Δαμασίου μήτηρ κωκύουσα ἐξάρχει τοῦ θρήνου σὺν γυναιξὶν ἐπὶ τῷ Δαμασίᾳ· σὲ δέ, ὦ Μένιππε, οὐδεὶς δακρύει, καθʼ ἡσυχίαν δὲ κεῖσαι μόνος.
Μένιππος οὐδαμῶς, ἀλλʼ ἀκούσῃ τῶν κυνῶν μετʼ ὀλίγον ὠρυομένων οἴκτιστον ἐπʼ ἐμοὶ καὶ τῶν κοράκων τυπτομένων τοῖς πτεροῖς, ὁπόταν συνελθόντες θάπτωσί με.
Ἑρμῆς γεννάδας εἶ, ὦ Μένιππε. ἀλλʼ ἐπεὶ καταπεπλεύκαμεν ἡμεῖς, ὑμεῖς μὲν ἄπιτε πρὸς τὸ δικαστήριον εὐθεῖαν ἐκείνην προϊόντες, ἐγὼ δὲ καὶ ὁ πορθμεὺς ἄλλους μετελευσόμεθα.
Μένιππος Εὐπλοεῖτε, ὦ Ἑρμῆ· προΐωμεν δὲ καὶ ἡμεῖς. τί οὖν ἔτι καὶ μέλλετε; πάντως δικασθῆναι δεήσει, καὶ τὰς καταδίκας φασὶν εἶναι βαρείας, τροχοὺς καὶ λίθους καὶ γῦπας· δειχθήσεται δὲ ὁ ἑκάστου βίος ἀκριβῶς.
HERMES All’s ready. Loose the cable, and pull in the gangway; haul up the anchor; spread all sail; and, pilot, look to your helm. Good luck to our voyage!—What are you all whining about, you fools? You philosopher, late of the beard,—you’re as bad as any of them.
PHILOSOPHER Ah, Hermes: I had thought that the soul was immortal.
MENIPPUS He lies: that is not the cause of his distress.
HERMES What is it, then?
MENIPPUS He knows that he will never have a good dinner again; never sneak about at night with his cloak over his head, going the round of the brothels; never spend his mornings in fooling boys out of their money, under the pretext of teaching them wisdom.
PHILOSOPHER And pray are you content to be dead?
MENIPPUS It may be presumed so, as I sought death of my own accord.—By the way, I surely heard a noise, as if people were shouting on the earth?
HERMES You did; and from more than one quarter.—There are people running in a body to the Town-hall, exulting over the death of Lampichus; the women have got hold of his wife; his infant children fare no better,—the boys are giving them handsome pelting. Then again you hear the applause that greets the orator Diophantus, as he pronounces the funeral oration of our friend Crato. Ah yes, and that’s Damasias’s mother, with her women, striking up a dirge. No one has tear for you, Menippus; your remains are left in peace. Privileged person!
MENIPPUS Wait a bit: before long you will hear the mournful howl of dogs, and the beating of crows’ wings, as they gather to perform my funeral rites.
HERMES I like your spirit.—However, here we are in port. Away with you all to the judgement-seat; it is straight ahead. The ferryman and I must go back for a fresh load.
MENIPPUS Good voyage to you, Hermes.—Let us be getting on; what are you all waiting for? We have got to face the judge, sooner or later; and by all accounts his sentences are no joke; wheels, rocks, vultures are mentioned. Every detail of our lives will now come to light!
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