CARIO Who’s knocking at the door? Hallo, what’s this! ’Twas nobody it seems. The door shall smart, Making that row for nothing.
HERMES Hoi, you sir, Stop, Cario! don’t go in.
CARIO Hallo, you fellow, Was that you banging at the door so loudly?
HERMES No, I was going to when you flung it open. But run you in and call your master out, And then his wife, and then his little ones, And then the serving-men, and then the dog, And then yourself, and then the sow.
CARIO (severely) Now tell me What all this means.
HERMES It means that Zeus is going To mix you up, you rascal, in one dish, And hurl you all into the Deadman’s Pit!
CARIO Now for this herald must the tongue be cut. But what’s the reason that he is going to do us Such a bad turn?
HERMES Because ye have done the basest And worst of deeds. Since Wealth began to see, No laurel, meal-cake, victim, frankincense, Has any man on any altar laid Or aught beside.
CARIO Or ever will; for scant Your care for us in the evil days gone by.
HERMES And for the other Gods I’m less concerned, But I myself am smashed and ruined.
CARIO Good.
HERMES For until now the tavern-wives would bring From early dawn figs, honey, tipsy-cake, Titbits for Hermes, such as Hermes loved; But now I idly cross my legs and starve.
CARIO And rightly too who, though such gifts you got, Would wrong the givers.
HERMES O, my hapless lot! O me, the Fourth-day cake in days gone by!
CARIO You want the absent; nought avails your cry.
HERMES O me, the gammon which was erst my fare!
CARIO Here play your game on bladders, in the air.
HERMES O me, the inwards which I ate so hot!
CARIO In your own inwards now a pain you’ve got.
HERMES O me, the tankard, brimmed with half and half!
CARIO Begone your quickest, taking this to quaff.
HERMES Will you not help a fellow-knave to live?
CARIO If anything you want is mine to give.
HERMES O, could you get me but one toothsome loaf, Or from the sacrifice you make within One slice of lusty meat?
CARIO No exports here.
HERMES O, whenso’er your master’s goods you stole, ’Twas I that caused you to escape detection.
CARIO Upon condition, ruffian, that you shared The spoils. A toothsome cake would go to you.
HERMES And then you ate it every bit yourself.
CARIO But you, remember, never shared the kicks Were I perchance detected at my tricks.
HERMES Well, don’t bear malice, if you’ve Phyle got, But take me in to share your happy lot.
CARIO What, leave the Gods, and settle here below?
HERMES For things look better here than there, I trow.
CARIO Think you Desertion is a name so grand?
HERMES Where most I prosper, there’s my father-land.
CARIO How could we use you if we took you in?
HERMES Install me here, the Turn-god by the door.
CARIO The Turn-god? Turns and twists we want no more.
HERMES The God of Commerce?
CARIO Wealth we’ve got, nor need A petty-huckstering Hermes now to feed.
HERMES The God of Craft?
CARIO Craft? quite the other way. Not craft, but Honesty, we need to-day.
HERMES The God of guidance?
CARIO Wealth can see, my boy! A guide no more ’tis needful to employ.
HERMES The God of games? Aha, I’ve caught you there. For Wealth is always highly sympathetic With literary games, and games athletic.
CARIO How lucky ’tis to have a lot of names! He has gained a living by that “God of games.” Not without cause our Justices contrive Their names to enter in more lists than one.
HERMES Then on these terms I enter?
CARIO Aye, come in. And take these guts, and wash them at the well, And so, at once, be Hermes Ministrant.
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