WEALTH Then listen, both: for I, it seems, must needs Reveal the secret I proposed to keep. Know then, I’m Wealth!
CHREMYLUS You most abominable Of all mankind, you, Wealth, and keep it snug!
CARIO You, Wealth, in such a miserable plight!
CHREMYLUS O King Apollo! O ye Gods and daemons! O Zeus! what mean you? are you really HE?
WEALTH I am.
CHREMYLUS Himself?
WEALTH His own self’s self.
CHREMYLUS Whence come you So grimed with dirt?
WEALTH From Patrocles’s house, A man who never washed in all his life.
CHREMYLUS And this, your sad affliction, how came this?
WEALTH ’Twas Zeus that caused it, jealous of mankind. For, when a little chap, I used to brag I’d visit none except the wise and good And orderly; he therefore made me blind, That I might ne’er distinguish which was which, So jealous is he always of the good!
CHREMYLUS And yet ’tis only from the just and good His worship comes.
WEALTH I grant you that.
CHREMYLUS Then tell me, If you could see again as once you could, Would you avoid the wicked?
WEALTH Yes, I would.
CHREMYLUS And visit all the good?
WEALTH Yes; more by token I have not seen the good for many a day.
CHREMYLUS No more have I, although I’ve got my eyes.
WEALTH Come, let me go; you know my story now.
CHREMYLUS And therefore, truly, hold we on the more.
WEALTH I told you so: you vowed you’d let me go. I knew you wouldn’t.
CHREMYLUS O be guided, pray, And don’t desert me. Search where’er you will You’ll never find a better man than I.
CARIO No more there is, by Zeus—except myself.
WEALTH They all say that; but when in sober earnest—They find they’ve got me, and are wealthy men, They place no limit on their evil ways.
CHREMYLUS Too true! And yet not every one is bad.
WEALTH Yes, every single one.
CARIO (aside) You’ll smart for that.
CHREMYLUS Nay, nay, but hear what benefits you’ll get If you’re persuaded to abide with us. For well I trust,—I trust, with God to aid, That I shall rid you of this eye-disease, And make you see.
WEALTH For mercy’s sake, forbear. I do not wish to see again.
CHREMYLUS Eh? what?
CARIO O why, the man’s a born unfortunate!
WEALTH Let Zeus but hear their follies, and I know He’ll pay me out.
CHREMYLUS And doesn’t he do that now; Letting you wander stumbling through the world?
WEALTH Eh, but I’m horribly afraid of Zeus!
CHREMYLUS Aye, say you so, you cowardliest God alive? What! do you think the imperial power of Zeus And all his thunderbolts were worth one farthing, Could you but see, for ever so short a time?
WEALTH Ah, don’t say that, you wretches!
CHREMYLUS Don’t be frightened! I’ll prove that you’re far stronger, mightier far Than Zeus.
WEALTH You’ll prove that I am?
CHREMYLUS Easily. Come, what makes Zeus the Ruler of the Gods?
CARIO His silver. He’s the wealthiest of them.
CHREMYLUS Well, Who gives him all his riches?
CARIO Our friend here.
CHREMYLUS And for whose sake do mortals sacrifice To Zeus?
CARIO For his: and pray straight out for wealth,
CHREMYLUS ’Tis all his doing: and ’tis he can quickly Undo it if he will.
WEALTH How mean you that?
CHREMYLUS I mean that nevermore will mortal man Bring ox, or cake, or any sacrifice, If such thy will.
WEALTH How so?
CHREMYLUS How can he buy A gift to offer, if thy power deny The needful silver? Single-handed, thou, If Zeus prove troublesome, canst crush his power.
WEALTH Men sacrifice to Zeus for ME?
CHREMYLUS They do. And whatsoever in the world is bright,
CHREMYLUS And fair, and graceful, all is done for thee. For every mortal thing subserves to Wealth.
CARIO Hence for a little filthy lucre I’m A slave, forsooth, because I’ve got no wealth.
CHREMYLUS And those Corinthian huzzies, so they say, If he who sues them for their love is poor, Turn up their noses at the man; but grant A wealthy suitor more than he desires.
CARIO So too the boy-loves; just to get some money, And not at all because they love their lovers.
CHREMYLUS Those are the baser, not the nobler sort, These never ask for money.
CARIO No? what then?
CHREMYLUS O one a hunter, one a pack of hounds.
CARIO Ah, they’re ashamed, I warrant, of their vice, And seek to crust it over with a name.
CHREMYLUS And every art existing in the world, And every craft, was for thy sake invented. For thee one sits and cobbles all the day, One works in bronze, another works in wood, One fuses gold—the gold derived from thee—
CARIO One plies the footpad’s, one the burglar’s trade,
CHREMYLUS One is a fuller, one a sheepskin-washer, One is a tanner, one an onion-seller, Through thee the nabbed adulterer gets off plucked.
WEALTH O, and all this I never knew before!
CHREMYLUS Aye, ’tis on him the Great King plumes himself; And our Assemblies all are held for him; Dost thou not man our triremes? Answer that.
CHREMYLUS Does he not feed the foreign troop at Corinth? Won’t Pamphilus be brought to grief for him?
CARIO Won’t Pamphilus and the needle-seller too? Does not Agyrrhius flout us all for him?
CHREMYLUS Does not Philepsius tell his tales for thee? Dost thou not make the Egyptians our allies? And Lais love the uncouth Philonides?
CARIO Timotheus’ tower—
CHREMYLUS Pray Heaven it fall and crush you! Aye, everything that’s done is done for thee. Thou art alone, thyself alone, the source Of all our fortunes, good and bad alike. ’Tis so in war; wherever he alights, That side is safe the victory to win.
WEALTH Can I, unaided, do such feats as these?
CHREMYLUS O yes, by Zeus, and many more than these. So that none ever has enough of thee. Of all things else a man may have too much, Of love,
CARIO Of loaves,
CHREMYLUS Of literature,
CARIO Of sweets,
CHREMYLUS Of honour,
CARIO Cheesecakes,
CHREMYLUS Manliness,
CARIO Dried figs,
CHREMYLUS Ambition,
CARIO Barley-meal,
CHREMYLUS Command,
CARIO Pea soup.
CHREMYLUS But no man ever has enough of thee. For give a man a sum of thirteen talents, And all the more he hungers for sixteen; Give him sixteen, and he must needs have forty Or life’s not worth his living, so he says.
WEALTH Ye seem to me to speak extremely well, Yet on one point I’m fearful.
CHREMYLUS What is that?
WEALTH This mighty power which ye ascribe to me, I can’t imagine how I’m going to wield it.
CHREMYLUS O this it is that all the people say, Wealth is the cowardliest thing.
WEALTH It is not true. That is some burglar’s slander; breaking into A wealthy house, he found that everything Was under lock and key, and so got nothing: Wherefore he called my forethought, cowardliness.
CHREMYLUS Well, never mind; assist us in the work And play the man; and very soon I’ll make you Of keener sight than ever Lynceus was.
WEALTH Why, how can you, a mortal man, do that?
CHREMYLUS Good hope have I from that which Phoebus told me, Shaking the Pythian laurel as he spoke.
WEALTH Is Phoebus privy to your plan?
CHREMYLUS He is.
WEALTH Take heed!
CHREMYLUS Don’t fret yourself, my worthy friend.
CHREMYLUS I am the man: I’ll work the matter through, Though I should die for it.
CARIO And so will I.
CHREMYLUS And many other bold allies will come, Good virtuous men without a grain of—barley.
WEALTH Bless me! a set of rather poor allies.
CHREMYLUS Not when you’ve made them wealthy men once more. Hi, Cario, run your fastest, and
CARIO Do what?
CHREMYLUS Summon my farm-companions from the fields (You’ll find them there, poor fellows, hard at work), And fetch them hither; so that each and all May have, with me, an equal share in Wealth.
CARIO Here goes! I’m off. Come out there, somebody, And carry in my little piece of meat.
CHREMYLUS I’ll see to that: you, run away directly. But thou, dear Wealth, the mightiest Power of all, Come underneath my roof. Here stands the house, Which thou art going evermore to fill With wealth and plenty, by fair means or foul.
WEALTH And yet it irks me, I protest it does, To enter in beneath a stranger’s roof. I never got the slightest good from that. Was it a miser’s house; the miser straight Would dig a hole and pop me underground; And if some worthy neighbour came to beg A little silver for his urgent needs, Would vow he’d never seen me in his life. Or was it some young madcap’s: in a jiffey Squandered and lost amongst his drabs and dice I’m bundled, naked, out of house and home.
CHREMYLUS You never chanced upon a moderate man, But now you have; for such a man am I. For much I joy in saving, no man more, And much in spending when ’tis right to spend. So go we in; I long to introduce My wife and only son whom most I love— After yourself of course.
WEALTH That I believe.
CHREMYLUS Why should one say what is not true to you?
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