Ἥρα τὸν Ἰξίονα τοῦτον, ὦ Ζεῦ, ποῖόν τινα τὸν τρόπον ἡγῇ;
Ζεύς ἄνθρωπον εἶναι χρηστόν, ὦ Ἥρα, καὶ συμποτικόν· οὐ γὰρ ἂν συνῆν ἡμῖν ἀνάξιος τοῦ συμποσίου ὤν.
Ἥρα ἀλλὰ ἀνάξιός ἐστιν, ὑβριστής γε ὤν· ὥστε μηκέτι συνέστω.
Ζεύς τί δαὶ ὕβρισε; χρὴ γάρ, οἶμαι, κἀμὲ εἰδέναι.
Ἥρα τί δʼ ἄλλο; — καίτοι αἰσχύνομαι εἰπεῖν αὐτό· τοιοῦτόν ἐστιν ὃ ἐτόλμησε.
Ζεύς καὶ μὴν διὰ τοῦτο καὶ μᾶλλον εἴποις ἄν, ὅσῳ καὶ αἰσχροῖς ἐπεχείρησε. μῶν οὖν ἐπείρα τινά; συνίημι γὰρ ὁποῖόν τι τὸ αἰσχρόν, ὅπερ ἂν σὺ ὀκνήσειας εἰπεῖν.
Ἥρα αὐτὴν ἐμέ, οὐκ ἄλλην τινά, ὦ Ζεῦ, πολὺν ἤδη χρόνον. καὶ τὸ μὲν πρῶτον ἠγνόουν τὸ πρᾶγμα, διότι ἀτενὲς ἀφεώρα ἐς ἐμέ· ὁ δὲ καὶ ἔστενε καὶ ὑπεδάκρυε, καὶ εἴ ποτε πιοῦσα παραδοίην τῷ Γανυμήδει τὸ ἔκπωμα, ὁ δὲ ᾔτει ἐν αὐτῷ ἐκείνῳ πιεῖν καὶ λαβὼν ἐφίλει μεταξὺ καὶ πρὸς τοὺς ὀφθαλμοὺς προσῆγε καὶ αὖθις ἀφεώρα ἐς ἐμέ· ταῦτα δὲ ἤδη συνίειν ἐρωτικὰ ὄντα. καὶ ἐπὶ πολὺ μὲν ᾐδούμην λέγειν πρὸς σὲ καὶ ᾤμην παύσεσθαι τῆς μανίας τὸν ἄνθρωπον· ἐπεὶ δὲ καὶ λόγους ἐτόλμησέ μοι προσενεγκεῖν, ἐγὼ μὲν ἀφεῖσα αὐτὸν ἔτι δακρύοντα καὶ προκυλινδούμενον, ἐπιφραξαμένη τὰ ὦτα, ὡς μηδὲ ἀκούσαιμι αὐτοῦ ὑβριστικὰ ἱκετεύοντος, ἀπῆλθον σοὶ φράσουσα· σὺ δὲ αὐτὸς ὅρα, ὅπως μέτει τὸν ἄνδρα.
Ζεύς εὖ γε ὁ κατάρατος ἐπʼ ἐμὲ αὐτὸν καὶ μέχρι τῶν Ἥρας γάμων; τοσοῦτον ἐμεθύσθη τοῦ νέκταρος; ἀλλʼ ἡμεῖς τούτων αἴτιοι καὶ πέρα τοῦ μετρίου φιλάνθρωποι, οἵ γε καὶ συμπότας αὐτοὺς ἐποιησάμεθα. συγγνωστοὶ οὖν, εἰ πιόντες ὅμοια ἡμῖν καὶ ἰδόντες οὐράνια κάλλη καὶ οἷα οὔ ποτε εἶδον ἐπὶ γῆς, ἐπεθύμησαν ἀπολαῦσαι αὐτῶν ἔρωτι ἁλόντες· ὁ δʼ ἔρως βίαιόν τί ἐστι καὶ οὐκ ἀνθρώπων μόνον ἄρχει, ἀλλὰ καὶ ἡμῶν αὐτῶν ἐνίοτε.
Ἥρα σοῦ μὲν καὶ πάνυ οὗτός γε δεσπότης ἐστὶ καὶ ἄγει σε καὶ φέρει τῆς ῥινός, φασίν, ἕλκων, καὶ σὺ ἕπῃ αὐτῷ ἔνθα ἂν ἡγῆταί σοι, καὶ ἀλλάττῃ ῥᾳδίως ἐς ὅ τι ἂν κελεύσῃ, καὶ ὅλως κτῆμα καὶ παιδιὰ τοῦ ἔρωτος σύ γε· καὶ νῦν τῷ Ἰξίονι οἶδα καθότι συγγνώμην ἀπονέμεις ἅτε καὶ αὐτὸς μοιχεύσας ποτὲ αὐτοῦ τὴν γυναῖκα, ἥ σοι τὸν Πειρίθουν ἔτεκεν.
HERA Zeus! What is your opinion of this man Ixion?
ZEUS Why, my dear, I think he is a very good sort of man; and the best of company. Indeed, if he were unworthy of our company, he would not be here.
HERA He is unworthy! He is a villain! Discard him!
ZEUS Eh? What has he been after? I must know about this.
HERA Certainly you must; though I scarce know how to tell you. The wretch!
ZEUS Oh, oh; if he is a ‘wretch,’ you must certainly tell me all about it. I know what ‘wretch’ means, on your discreet tongue. What, he has been making love?
HERA And to me! to me of all people! It has been going on for a long time. At first, when he would keep looking at me, I had no idea—. And then he would sigh and groan; and when I handed my cup to Ganymede after drinking, he would insist on having it, and would stop drinking to kiss it, and lift it up to his eyes; and then he would look at me again. And then of course I knew. For a long time I didn’t like to say anything to you; I thought his mad fit would pass. But when he actually dared to speak to me, I left him weeping and groveling about, and stopped my ears, so that I might not hear his impertinences, and came to tell you. It is for you to consider what steps you will take.
ZEUS Whew! I have a rival, I find; and with my own lawful wife. Here is a rascal who has tippled nectar to some purpose. Well, we have no one but ourselves to blame for it: we make too much of these mortals, admitting them to our table like this. When they drink of our nectar, and behold the beauties of Heaven (so different from those of Earth!), ‘tis no wonder if they fall in love, and form ambitious schemes! Yes, Love is all-powerful; and not with mortals only: we Gods have sometimes fallen beneath his sway.
HERA He has made himself master of you; no doubt of that. He does what he likes with you;—leads you by the nose. You follow him whither he chooses, and assume every shape at his command; you are his chattel, his toy. I know how it will be: you are going to let Ixion off, because you have had relations with his wife; she is the mother of Pirithous.
Ζεύς ἔτι γὰρ σὺ μέμνησαι ἐκείνων, εἴ τι ἐγὼ ἔπαιξα ἐς γῆν κατελθών; ἀτὰρ οἶσθα ὅ μοι δοκεῖ περὶ τοῦ Ἰξίονος; κολάζειν μὲν μηδαμῶς αὐτὸν μηδὲ ἀπωθεῖν τοῦ συμποσίου· σκαιὸν γάρ· ἐπεὶ δὲ ἐρᾷ καὶ ὡς φὴς δακρύει καὶ ἀφόρητα πάσχει —
Ἥρα τί, ὦ Ζεῦ; δέδια γᾴρ, μή τι ὑβριστικὸν καὶ σὺ εἴπῃς.
Ζεύς οὐδαμῶς· ἀλλʼ εἴδωλον ἐκ νεφέλης πλασάμενοι αὐτῇ σοι ὅμοιον, ἐπειδὰν λυθῇ τὸ συμπόσιον κἀκεῖνος ἀγρυπνῇ, ὡς τὸ εἰκός, ὑπὸ τοῦ ἔρωτος, παρακατακλίνωμεν αὐτῷ φέροντες· οὕτω γὰρ ἂν παύσαιτο ἀνιώμενος οἰηθεὶς τετυχηκέναι τῆς ἐπιθυμίας.
Ἥρα ἄπαγε, μὴ ὥρασιν ἵκοιτο τῶν ὑπὲρ αὐτον ἐπιθυμῶν.
Ζεύς ὅμως ὑπόμεινον, ὦ Ἥρα. ἢ τί γὰρ ἂν καὶ πάθοις δεινὸν ἀπὸ τοῦ πλάσματος, εἰ νεφέλῃ ὁ Ἰξίων συνέσται;
Ἥρα ἀλλὰ ἡ νεφέλη ἐγὼ εἶναι δόξω, καὶ τὸ αἰσχρὸν ἐπʼ ἐμὲ ποιήσει διὰ τὴν ὁμοιότητα.
Ζεύς οὐδὲν τοῦτο φής· οὔτε γὰρ ἡ νεφέλη ποτὲ Ἥρα γένοιτʼ ἂν οὔτε σὺ νεφέλη· ὁ δʼ Ἰξίων μόνον ἐξαπατηθήσεται.
Ἥρα ἀλλὰ οἱ πάντες ἄνθρωποι ἀπειρόκαλοί εἰσιν· αὐχήσει κατελθὼν ἴσως καὶ διηγήσεται ἅπασι λέγων συγγεγενῆσθαι τῇ Ἥρᾳ καὶ σύλλεκτρος εἶναι τῷ Διί, καί που τάχʼ ἂν ἐρᾶν με φήσειεν αὐτοῦ, οἱ δὲ πιστεύσουσιν οὐκ εἰδότες ὡς νεφέλῃ συνῆν.
Ζεύς οὐκοῦν, ἤν τι τοιοῦτον εἴπῃ, ἐς τὸν ᾅδην ἐμπεσὼν τροχῷ ἄθλιος προσδεθεὶς συμπεριενεχθήσεται μετʼ αὐτοῦ ἀεὶ καὶ πόνον ἄπαυστον ἕξει δίκην διδοὺς οὐ τοῦ ἔρωτος — οὐ γὰρ δὴ δεινὸν τοῦτό γε — ἀλλὰ τῆς μεγαλαυχίας.
ZEUS Why, what a memory you have for these little outings of mine!—Now, my idea about Ixion is this. It would never do to punish him, or to exclude him from our table; that would not look well. No; as he is so fond of you, so hard hit—even to weeping point, you tell me,—
HERA Zeus! What are you going to say?
ZEUS Don’t be alarmed. Let us make a cloud-phantom in your likeness, and after dinner, as he lies awake (which of course he will do, being in love), let us take it and lay it by his side. ‘Twill put him out of his pain: he will fancy he has attained his desire.
HERA Never! The presumptuous villain!
ZEUS Yes, I know. But what harm can it do to you, if Ixion makes a conquest of a cloud?
HERA But he will think that I am the cloud; he will be working his wicked will upon me for all he can tell.
ZEUS Now you are talking nonsense. The cloud is not Hera, and Hera is not the cloud. Ixion will be deceived; that is all.
HERA Yes, but these men are all alike—they have no delicacy. I suppose, when he goes home, he will boast to every one of how he has enjoyed the embraces of Hera, the wife of Zeus! Why, he may tell them that I am in love with him! And they will believe it; they will know nothing about the cloud.
ZEUS If he says anything of the kind he shall soon find himself in Hades, spinning round on a wheel for all eternity. That will keep him busy! And serve him right; not for falling in love—I see no great harm in that—but for letting his tongue wag.
Ἥφαιστος ἑώρακας, ὦ Ἄπολλον, τὸ τῆς Μαίας βρέφος τὸ ἄρτι τεχθέν; ὡς καλόν τέ ἐστι καὶ προσμειδιᾷ πᾶσι καὶ δηλοῖ ἤδη μέγα τι ἀγαθὸν ἀποβησόμενον.
Ἀπόλλων ἐκεῖνο τὸ βρέφος, ὦ Ἥφαιστε, ἦ μέγα ἀγαθόν, ὃ τοῦ Ἰαπετοῦ πρεσβύτερόν ἐστιν ὅσον ἐπὶ τῇ πανουργίᾳ;
Ἥφαιστος καὶ τί ἂν ἀδικῆσαι δύναιτο ἀρτίτοκον ὄν;
Ἀπόλλων ἐρώτα τὸν Ποσειδῶνα, οὗ τὴν τρίαιναν ἔκλεψεν, ἢ τὸν Ἄρη· καὶ τούτου γὰρ ἐξείλκυσε λαθὸν ἐκ τοῦ κολεοῦ τὸ ξίφος, ἵνα μὴ ἐμαυτὸν λέγω, ὃν ἀφώπλισε τοῦ τόξου καὶ τῶν βελῶν.
Ἥφαιστος τὸ νεογνὸν ταῦτα, ὃ μόλις ἕστηκε, τὸ ἐν τοῖς σπαργάνοις;
Ἀπόλλων εἴσῃ, ὦ Ἥφαιστε, ἤν σοι προσέλθῃ μόνον.
Ἥφαιστος καὶ μὴν προσῆλθεν ἤδη.
Ἀπόλλων τί οὖν; πάντα ἔχεις τὰ ἐργαλεῖα καὶ οὐδὲν ἀπόλωλεν αὐτῶν;
Ἥφαιστος πάντα, ὦ Ἄπολλον.
Ἀπόλλων ὅμως ἐπίσκεψαι ἀκριβῶς.
Ἥφαιστος μὰ Δία, τὴν πυράγραν οὐχ ὁρῶ.
Ἀπόλλων ἀλλʼ ὄψει που ἐν τοῖς σπαργάνοις αὐτὴν τοὺ βρέφους.
Ἥφαιστος οὕτως ὀξύχειρ ἐστὶ καθάπερ ἐν τῇ γαστρὶ ἐκ μελετήσας τὴν κλεπτικήν;
Ἀπόλλων οὐ γὰρ ἤκουσας αὐτοῦ καὶ λαλοῦντος ἤδη στωμύλα καὶ ἐπίτροχα· ὁ δὲ καὶ διακονεῖσθαι ἡμῖν ἐθέλει. χθὲς δὲ προκαλεσάμενος τὸν Ἔρωτα κατεπάλαισεν εὐθὺς οὐκ οἶδʼ ὅπως ὑφελὼν τὼ πόδε· εἶτα μεταξὺ ἐπαινούμενος τῆς Ἀφροδίτης μὲν τὸν κεστὸν ἔκλεψε προσπτυξαμένης αὐτὸν ἐπὶ τῇ νίκῃ, τοῦ Διὸς δὲ γελῶντος ἔτι τὸ σκῆπτρον· εἰ δὲ μὴ βαρύτερος ὁ κεραυνὸς ἦν καὶ πολὺ τὸ πῦρ εἶχε, κἀκεῖνον ἂν ὑφείλετο.
Ἥφαιστος γοργόν τινα τὸν παῖδα φής.
Ἀπόλλων οὐ μόνον, ἀλλʼ ἤδη καὶ μουσικόν.
Ἥφαιστος τῷ τοῦτο τεκμαίρεσθαι ἔχεις;
Ἀπόλλων χελώνην που νεκρὰν εὑρὼν ὄργανον ἀπʼ αὐτῆς· συνεπήξατο· πήχεις γὰρ ἐναρμόσας καὶ ζυγώσας, ἔπειτα κολλάβους ἐμπήξας καὶ μαγάδα ὑποθεὶς καὶ ἐντεινάμενος ἑπτὰ χορδὰς ἐμελῴδει πάνυ γλαφυρόν, ὦ Ἥφαιστε, καὶ ἐναρμόνιον, ὡς κἀμὲ αὐτῷ φθονεῖν πάλαι κιθαρίζειν ἀσκοῦντα. ἔλεγε δὲ ἡ Μαῖα, ὡς μηδὲ μένοι τὰς νύκτας ἐν τῷ οὐρανῷ, ἀλλʼ ὑπὸ περιεργίας ἄχρι τοῦ ᾅδου κατίοι, κλέψων τι κἀκεῖθεν δηλαδή. ὑπόπτερος δʼ ἐστὶ καὶ ῥάβδον τινὰ πεποίηται θαυμασίαν τὴν δύναμιν, ᾗ ψυχαγωγεῖ καὶ κατάγει τοὺς νεκρούς.
Ἥφαιστος ἐγὼ ἐκείνην ἔδωκα αὐτῷ παίγνιον εἶναι.
Ἀπόλλων τοιγαροῦν ἀπέδωκέ σοι τὸν μισθόν, τὴν πυράγραν —
Ἥφαιστος εὖ γε ὑπέμνησας· ὥστε βαδιοῦμαι ἀποληψόμενος αὐτήν, εἴ που ὡς φὴς εὑρεθείη ἐν τοῖς σπαργάνοις.
HEPHAESTUS Have you seen Maia’s baby, Apollo? such a pretty little thing, with a smile for everybody; you can see it is going to be a treasure.
APOLLO That baby a treasure? well, in mischief, Iapetus is young beside it.
HEPHAESTUS Why, what harm can it do, only just born?
APOLLO Ask Posidon; it stole his trident. Ask Ares; he was surprised to find his sword gone out of the scabbard. Not to mention myself, disarmed of bow and arrows.
HEPHAESTUS Never! that infant? he has hardly found his legs yet; he is not out of his baby-linen.
APOLLO Ah, you will find out, Hephaestus, if he gets within reach of you.
HEPHAESTUS He has been.
APOLLO Well? all your tools safe? none missing?
HEPHAESTUS Of course not.
APOLLO I advise you to make sure.
HEPHAESTUS Zeus! where are my pincers?
APOLLO Ah, you will find them among the baby-linen.
HEPHAESTUS So light-fingered? one would swear he had practised petty larceny in the womb.
APOLLO Ah, and you don’t know what a glib young chatterbox he is; and, if he has his way, he is to be our errand-boy! Yesterday he challenged Eros—tripped up his heels somehow, and had him on his back in a twinkling; before the applause was over, he had taken the opportunity of a congratulatory hug from Aphrodite to steal her girdle; Zeus had not done laughing before—the sceptre was gone. If the thunderbolt had not been too heavy, and very hot, he would have made away with that too.
HEPHAESTUS The child has some spirit in him, by your account.
APOLLO Spirit, yes—and some music, moreover, young as he is.
HEPHAESTUS How can you tell that?
APOLLO He picked up a dead tortoise somewhere or other, and contrived an instrument with it. He fitted horns to it, with a cross-bar, stuck in pegs, inserted a bridge, and played a sweet tuneful thing that made an old harper like me quite envious. Even at night, Maia was saying, he does not stay in Heaven; he goes down poking his nose into Hades—on a thieves’ errand, no doubt. Then he has a pair of wings, and he has made himself a magic wand, which he uses for marshalling souls—convoying the dead to their place.
HEPHAESTUS Ah, I gave him that, for a toy.
APOLLO And by way of payment he stole—
HEPHAESTUS Well thought on; I must go and get them; you may be right about the baby-linen.
Ἥφαιστος τί με, ὦ Ζεῦ, χρὴ ποιεῖν; ἥκω γάρ, ὡς ἐκέλευσας, ἔχων τὸν πέλεκυν ὀξύτατον, εἰ καὶ λίθον δέοι μιᾷ πληγῇ διακόψαι.
Ζεύς εὖ γε, ὦ Ἥφαιστε· ἀλλὰ δίελέ μου τὴν κεφαλὴν ἐς δύο κατενεγκών.
Ἥφαιστος πειρᾷ μου, εἰ μέμηνα; πρόσταττε δʼ οὖν τι ἄλλο ὅπερ ἐθέλεις σοι γενέσθαι.
Ζεύς τοῦτο αὐτό, διαιρεθῆναί μοι το κρανίον· εἰ δὲ ἀπειθήσεις, οὐ νῦν πρῶτον ὀργιζομένου πειράσῃ. ἀλλὰ χρὴ καθικνεῖσθαι παντὶ τῷ θυμῷ, μηδὲ μέλλειν· ἀπόλλυμαι γὰρ ὑπὸ ὠδίνων, αἵ μοι τὸν ἐγκέφαλον ἀναστρέφουσιν.
Ἥφαιστος ὅρα, ὦ Ζεῦ, μὴ κακόν τι ποιήσωμεν· ὀξὺς γὰρ ὁ πέλεκύς ἐστι καὶ οὐκ ἀναιμωτὶ οὐδὲ κατὰ τὴν Εἰλήθυιαν μαιώσεταί σε.
Ζεύς Κατένεγκε μόνον, ὦ Ἥφαιστε, θαρρῶν· οἶδα ἐγὼ τὸ συμφέρον.
Ἥφαιστος ἄκων μέν, κατοίσω δέ· τί γὰρ χρὴ ποιεῖν σοῦ κελεύοντος; τί τοῦτο; κόρη ἔνοπλος; μέγα, ὦ Ζεῦ, κακὸν εἶχες ἐν τῇ κεφαλῇ· εἰκότως γοῦν ὀξύθυμος ἦσθα τηλικαύτην ὑπὸ τῇ μήνιγγι παρθένον ζῳογονῶν καὶ ταῦτα ἔνοπλον· ἦ που στρατόπεδον, οὐ κεφαλὴν ἐλελήθεις ἔχων. ἡ δὲ πηδᾷ καὶ πυρριχίζει καὶ τὴν ἀσπίδα τινάσσει καὶ τὸ δόρυ πάλλει καὶ ἐνθουσιᾷ, καὶ τὸ μέγιστον, καλὴ πάνυ καὶ ἀκμαία γεγένηται ἤδη ἐν βραχεῖ· γλαυκῶπις μέν, ἀλλὰ κοσμεῖ καὶ τοῦτο ἡ κόρυς. ὥστε, ὦ Ζεῦ, μαίωτρά μοι ἀπόδος ἐγγυήσας ἤδη αὐτήν.
Ζεύς ἀδύνατα αἰτεῖς, ὦ Ἥφαιστε· παρθένος γὰρ ἀεὶ ἐθελήσει μένειν. ἐγὼ δʼ οὖν τό γε ἐπʼ ἐμοὶ οὐδὲν ἀντιλέγω.
Ἥφαιστος τοῦτʼ ἐβουλόμην· ἐμοὶ μελήσει τὰ λοιπά, καὶ ἤδη συναρπάσω αὐτήν.
Ζεύς εἴ σοι ῥᾴδιον, οὕτω ποίει· πλὴν οἶδα ὅτι ἀδυνάτων ἐρᾷς.
HEPHAESTUS What are your orders, Zeus? You sent for me, and here I am; with such an edge to my axe as would cleave a stone at one blow.
ZEUS Ah; that’s right, Hephaestus. Just split my head in half, will you?
HEPHAESTUS You think I am mad, perhaps?—Seriously, now, what can I do for you?
ZEUS What I say: crack my skull. Any insubordination, now, and you shall taste my resentment; it will not be the first time. Come, a good lusty stroke, and quick about it. I am in the pangs of travail; my brain is in a whirl.
HEPHAESTUS Mind you, the consequences may be serious: the axe is sharp, and will prove but a rough midwife.
ZEUS Hew away, and fear nothing. I know what I am about.
HEPHAESTUS H’m. I don’t like it: however, one must obey orders…. Why, what have we here? A maiden in full armour! This is no joke, Zeus. You might well be waspish, with this great girl growing up beneath your pia mater; in armour, too! You have been carrying a regular barracks on your shoulders all this time. So active too! See, she is dancing a war-dance, with shield and spear in full swing. She is like one inspired; and (what is more to the point) she is extremely pretty, and has come to marriageable years in these few minutes; those grey eyes, even, look well beneath a helmet. Zeus, I claim her as the fee for my midwifery.
ZEUS Impossible! She is determined to remain a maid for ever. Not that I have any objection, personally.
HEPHAESTUS That is all I want. You can leave the rest to me. I’ll carry her off this moment.
ZEUS Well, if you think it so easy. But I am sure it is a hopeless case.
Ζεύς παύσασθε, ὦ Ἀσκληπιὲ καὶ Ἡράκλεις, ἐρίζοντες πρὸς ἀλλήλους ὥσπερ ἄνθρωποι· ἀπρεπῆ γὰρ ταῦτα καὶ ἀλλότρια τοῦ συμποσίου τῶν θεῶν.
Ἡρακλῆς ἀλλὰ ἐθέλεις, ὦ Ζεῦ, τουτονὶ τὸν φαρμακέα προκατακλίνεσθαί μου;
Ἀσκληπιός νὴ Δία· καὶ ἀμείνων γάρ εἰμι.
Ἡρακλῆς κατὰ τί, ὦ ἐμβρόντητε; ἢ διότι σε ὁ Ζεὺς ἐκεραύνωσεν ἃ μὴ θέμις ποιοῦντα, νῦν δὲ κατʼ ἔλεον αὖθις ἀθανασίας μετείληφας;
Ἀσκληπιός ἐπιλέλησαι γὰρ καὶ σύ, ὦ Ἡράκλεις, ἐν τῇ Οἴτῃ καταφλεγείς, ὅτι μοι ὀνειδίζεις τὸ πῦρ;
Ἡρακλῆς οὔκουν ἴσα καὶ ὅμοια βεβίωται ἡμῖν, ὃς Διὸς μὲν υἱός εἰμι, τοσαῦτα δὲ πεπόνηκα ἐκκαθαίρων τὸν βίον, θηρία καταγωνιζόμενος καὶ ἀνθρώπους ὑβριστὰς τιμωρούμενος· σὺ δὲ ῥιζοτόμος εἶ καὶ ἀγύρτης, νοσοῦσι μὲν ἴσως ἀνθρώποις χρήσιμος ἐπιθήσειν τῶν φαρμάκων, ἀνδρῶδες δὲ οὐδὲν ἐπιδεδειγμενος.
Ἀσκληπιός εὖ λέγεις, ὅτι σου τὰ ἐγκαύματα ἰασάμην, ὅτε πρῴην ἀνῆλθες ἡμίφλεκτος ὑπʼ ἀμφοῖν διεφθαρμένος τὸ σῶμα, καὶ τοῦ χιτῶνος καὶ μετὰ τοῦτο τοῦ πυρός· ἐγὼ δὲ εἰ καὶ μηδὲν ἄλλο, οὔτε ἐδούλευσα ὥσπερ σὺ οὔτε ἔξαινον ἔρια ἐν Λυδίᾳ πορφυρίδα ἐνδεδυκὼς καὶ παιόμενος ὑπὸ τῆς Ὀμφάλης χρυσῷ σανδάλῳ, ἀλλὰ οὐδὲ μελαγχολήσας ἀπέκτεινα τὰ τέκνα καὶ τὴν γυναῖκα.
Ἡρακλῆς εἰ μὴ παύσῃ λοιδορούμενός μοι, αὐτίκα μάλα εἴσῃ ὡς οὐ πολύ σε ὀνήσει ἡ ἀθανασία, ἐπεὶ ἀράμενός σε ῥίψω ἐπὶ κεφαλὴν ἐκ τοῦ οὐρανοῦ, ὥστε μηδὲ τὸν Παιῶνα ἰάσασθαί σε τὸ κρανίον συντριβέντα.
Ζεύς παύσασθε, φημί, καὶ μὴ ἐπιταράττετε ἡμῖν τὴν ξυνουσίαν, ἢ ἀμφοτέρους ἀποπέμψομαι ὑμᾶς τοῦ ξυμποσίου. καίτοι εὔγνωμον, ὦ Ἡράκλεις, προκατακλίνεσθαί σου τὸν Ἀσκληπιὸν ἅτε καὶ πρότερον ἀποθανόντα.
ZEUS Now, Asclepius and Heracles, stop that quarrelling; you might as well be men; such behaviour is very improper and out of place at the table of the Gods.
HERACLES Is this druggist fellow to have a place above me, Zeus?
ASCLEPIUS Of course I am; I am your better.
HERACLES Why, you numskull? because it was Zeus’s bolt that cracked your skull, for your unholy doings, and now you have been allowed your immortality again out of sheer pity?
ASCLEPIUS You twit me with my fiery end; you seem to have forgotten that you too were burnt to death, on Oeta.
HERACLES Was there no difference between your life and mine, then? I am Zeus’s son, and it is well known how I toiled, cleansing the earth, conquering monsters, and chastising men of violence. Whereas you are a root-grubber and a quack; I dare say you have your use for doctoring sick men, but you never did a bold deed in your life.
ASCLEPIUS That comes well from you, whose burns I healed, when you came up all singed not so long ago; between the tunic and the flames, your body was half consumed. Anyhow, it would be enough to mention that I was never a slave like you, never combed wool in Lydia, masquerading in a purple shawl and being slippered by an Omphale, never killed my wife and children in a fit of the spleen.
HERACLES If you don’t stop being rude, I shall soon show you that immortality is not much good. I will take you up and pitch you head over heels out of Heaven, and Apollo himself shall never mend your broken crown.
ZEUS Cease, I say, and let us hear ourselves speak, or I will send you both away from table. Heracles, Asclepius died before you, and has the right to a better place.
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