τῶν εἰς τὰ δεῖπνα καὶ τὰ συμπόσια παρασκευαζομένων, ὦ Σόσσιε Σενεκίων, τὰ μὲν ἀναγκαίαν ἔχει τάξιν, ὥσπερ οἶνος καὶ σιτία καὶ ὄψα καὶ στρωμναὶ δηλαδὴ καὶ τράπεζαι· τὰ δʼ ἐπεισόδια γέγονεν ἡδονῆς ἕνεκεν, χρείας μὴ συναγομένης, ὥσπερ ἀκροάματα καὶ θεάματα καὶ γελωτοποιός τις ἐκ Καλλίου Φίλιππος οἷς παροῦσι μὲν ἥδονται, μὴ παρόντα δʼ οὐ πάνυ ποθοῦσιν οὐδʼ αἰτιῶνται τὴν συνουσίαν ὡς ἐνδεέστερον ἔχουσαν. οὕτω δὴ καὶ τῶν λόγων τοὺς μὲν ἐπὶ χρείᾳ τῇ περὶ τὰ συμπόσια παραλαμβάνουσιν οἱ μέτριοι, τοὺς δʼ ἄλλους δέχονται θεωρίαν πιθανὴν καὶ τῷ καιρῷ μᾶλλον αὐλοῦ καὶ βαρβίτου πρέπουσαν ἔχοντας. ὧν καὶ τὸ πρῶτον ἡμῖν βιβλίον εἶχε μεμιγμένα δείγματα, τοῦ μὲν προτέρου γένους τὸ περὶ τοῦ φιλοσοφεῖν παρὰ πότον καὶ περὶ τοῦ διανέμειν αὐτὸν ἢ τοῖς δειπνοῦσιν ἐφιέναι τὰς κλίσεις καὶ τὰ τοιαῦτα· τοῦ δευτέρου περὶ τοῦ τοὺς ἐρῶντας ποιητικοὺς εἶναι καὶ περὶ τῆς Αἰαντίδος φυλῆς. […] καλῶ δῆτα καὶ […] τὰ συμποτικά· τὰ δʼ […] τερα κοινῶς συμποσιακά. σποράδην δʼ ἀναγέγραπται καὶ οὐ διακεκριμένως ἀλλʼ ὡς ἕκαστον εἰς μνήμην ἦλθεν. οὐ δεῖ δὲ θαυμάζειν τοὺς ἀναγιγνώσκοντας, εἴ σοὶ προσφωνοῦντές τινα τῶν προρρηθέντων ὑπὸ σοῦ συνηγάγομεν· καὶ γὰρ ἂν αἱ μαθήσεις ἀναμνήσεις μὴ ποιῶσι, πολλάκις εἰς ταὐτὸ τῷ μανθάνειν τὸ ἀναμιμνήσκεσθαι καθίστησι.
OF the several things that are provided for an entertainment, some, my Sossius Senecio, are absolutely necessary; such are wine, bread, meat, couches, and tables. Others are brought in, not for necessity, but pleasure; such are songs, shows, mimics, and buffoons (like Philip who came from the house of Callias); which, when present, delight indeed, but when absent, are not eagerly desired; nor is the entertainment looked upon as mean because such are wanting. Just so of discourses; some the sober men admit as necessary to a banquet, and others for their pretty speculations, as more profitable and agreeable than a fiddle and a pipe. My former book gives you examples of both sorts. Of the first are these, Whether we should philosophize at table?—Whether the entertainer should appoint proper seats, or leave the guests to agree upon their own? Of the second, Why lovers are inclined to poetry? and the question about the tribe Aeantis. The former I call properly συμποτικά, table-talk, but both together I comprehend under the general name of Symposiacs. They are promiscuously set down, not in any exact method, but as each singly occurred to memory. And let not my readers wonder that I dedicate these collections to you, which I have received from others or your own mouth; for if all learning is not bare remembrance, yet to learn and to remember are very commonly one and the same thing.
δέκα δὲ προβλημάτων εἰς ἕκαστον νενεμημένων βιβλίον, ἐν τούτῳ πρῶτόν ἐστιν ὃ τρόπον τινὰ Ξενοφῶν ὁ Σωκρατικὸς ἡμῖν προβέβληκε. τὸν γὰρ Γωβρύαν φησὶ συνδειπνοῦντα τῷ Κύρῳ τὰ τʼ ἄλλα θαυμάζειν τῶν Περσῶν, καὶ ὅτι τοιαῦτα μὲν ἀλλήλους ἐπηρώτων ἃ ἥδιον ἦν ἐρωτηθῆναι ἢ μή, ἔσκωπτον δʼ ἃ σκωφθῆναι κάλλιον ἢ μὴ· εἰ γὰρ ἐπαινοῦντες ἕτεροι πολλάκις λυποῦσι καὶ προσίστανται, πῶς οὐκ ἄξιον ἦν ἄγασθαι· τὴν εὐτραπελίαν ἐκείνων καὶ τὴν σύνεσιν, ὧν καὶ τὰ σκώμματα τοῖς σκωπτομένοις ἡδονὴν καὶ χάριν παρεῖχε; δεχόμενος οὖν ἡμᾶς ἐν Πάτραις, ἡδέως ἂν ἔφης πυθέσθαι τὰ τοιαῦτα ἐρωτήματα ποίου γένους εἴη καί τίς αὐτῶν τύπος· οὐ γάρ τι μικρόν ἔφηςτῆς ὁμιλητικῆς μόριον ἡ περὶ τὰς ἐρωτήσεις καὶ τὰς παιδιὰς τοῦ ἐμμελοῦς ἐπιστήμη καὶ τήρησις.
Now each book being divided into ten questions, that shall make the first in this, which Socratical Xenophon hath as it were proposed; for he tells us that, Gobryas banqueting with Cyrus, amongst other things that he found admirable in the Persians, he was surprised to hear them ask one another such questions that it was more delightful to be interrogated than to be let alone, and pass such jests on one another that it was more pleasant to be jested on than not. For if some, even whilst they praise, offend, why should not their polite and neat facetiousness be admired, whose very raillery is delightful and pleasant to him that is the subject of it? Once when you were entertaining us at Patrae, you said: I wish I could learn what kind of questions those are; for to be skilled in and make right use of apposite questions and pleasant raillery, I think is no small part of conversation.
μέγα μὲν οὖν ἔφην ἐγώ, ἀλλʼ ὅρα καὶ αὐτὸς ὁ Ξενοφῶν ἔν τε τῷ Σωκρατικῷ καὶ τοῖς Περσικοῖς ἐπιδείκνυσι συμποσίοις τὸ γένος. εἰ δὲ δοκεῖ καὶ ἡμᾶς ἐπιθέσθαι τινὶ λόγῳ, πρῶτον ἡδέως ἐρωτᾶσθαί μοι δοκοῦσιν ἃ ῥᾳδίως ἀποκρίνασθαι δύνανται· ταῦτα δʼ ἐστὶν ὧν ἐμπειρίαν ἔχουσιν. ὁἱ γὰρ ἀγνοοῦσιν, ἢ μὴ λέγοντες ἄχθονται καθάπερ αἰτηθέντες ὃ δοῦναι μὴ δύνανται, ἢ λέγοντες ἀπὸ δόξης καὶ εἰκασίας οὐ βεβαίου διαταράσσονται καὶ κινδυνεύουσιν. ἂν δὲ μὴ μόνον ἔχῃ τὸ ῥᾴδιον ἀλλὰ καὶ περιττὸν ἡ ἀπόκρισις, ἡδίων ἐστὶ τῷ ἀποκρινομένῳ περιτταὶ δʼ εἰσὶν αἱ τῶν ἐπισταμένων ἃ μὴ πολλοὶ γιγνώσκουσιν μηδʼ ἀκηκόασιν; οἷον ἀστρολογικῶν, διαλεκτικῶν, ἄνπερ ἕξιν ἐν αὐτοῖς ἔχωσιν. οὐ γὰρ πράττων μόνον ἕκαστος οὐδὲ διημερεύων, ὡς Εὐριπίδης φησίν, ἀλλὰ καὶ διαλεγόμενος ἵνʼ αὐτὸς αὑτοῦ τυγχάνει κράτιστος ὤν ἡδέως διατίθεται· καὶ χαίρουσι τοῖς ἐρωτῶσιν ἃ γιγνώσκοντες ἀγνοεῖσθαι καὶ λανθάνειν οὐ θέλουσι. διὸ καὶ περὶ χώρας ἀποίκου καὶ ξένης θαλάττης ἐθῶν τε βαρβαρικῶν καὶ νόμων οἱ πεπλανημένοι καὶ πεπλευκότες ἣδιον ἐρωτῶνται, καὶ προθύμως διηγοῦνται καὶ διαγράφουσι κόλπους καὶ τόπους, οἰόμενοι καὶ χάριν τινὰ τῶν πόνων ταύτην καὶ παραμυθίαν κομίζεσθαι. καθόλου δʼ ὅσα μηδενὸς ἐρωτῶντος αὐτοὶ διηγεῖσθαι καὶ λέγειν ἀφʼ ἑαυτῶν εἰώθαμεν, ἣδιον ἐρωτώμεθα, χαρίζεσθαι τούτοις δοκοῦντες; ὧν ἔργον ἦν ἐνοχλουμένων ἀποσχέσθαι. καὶ τοῦτο μὲν ἐν τοῖς πλωτικοῖς μάλιστα φύεται τὸ γένος τοῦ νοσήματος· οἱ δὲ κομψότεροι ταῦτʼ ἐρωτᾶσθαι θέλουσιν ἃ βουλόμενοι λέγειν αἰδοῦνται καὶ φείδονται τῶν παρόντων· οἷον ὅσα τυγχάνουσιν αὐτοὶ διαπεπραγμένοι καὶ κατωρθωκότες. ὀρθῶς γοῦν ὁ Νέστωρ τὴν φιλοτιμίαν τοῦ Ὀδυσσέως ἐπιστάμενος εἴπʼ ἄγε μʼ, ὦ πολύαινʼ Ὀδυσεῦ ʽ φησἴ, μέγα κῦδος Ἀχαιῶν, / ὅππως τούσδʼ ἵππους λάβετον. / ἄχθονται γὰρ τοῖς αὑτοὺς ἐπαινοῦσι καὶ τὰς ἑαυτῶν εὐτυχίας διεξιοῦσιν, ἂν μὴ κελεύσῃ ἄλλος τις τῶν παρόντων καὶ οἷον βιαζόμενοι λέγωσι. ἡδέως γοῦν ἐρωτῶνται περὶ πρεσβειῶν καὶ περὶ πολιτειῶν εἰ μέγα τι καὶ λαμπρὸν εἰργασμένοι τυγχάνουσιν. ὅθεν ἣκιστα περὶ τούτων οἱ φθονεροὶ καὶ κακοήθεις ἐρωτῶσι, κἂν ἄλλος τις ἔρηται τὰ τοιαῦτα, διακρούονται καὶ παρατρέπουσι, χώραν τῇ διηγήσει μὴ, διδόντες μηδὲ βουλόμενοι λόγου τὸν λέγοντα κοσμοῦντος ἀφορμὰς προέσθαι. καὶ ταῦτʼ οὖν ἐρωτῶντες χαρίζεσθαι τοῖς ἀποκρινομένοις, ἃ τοὺς ἐχθροὺς καὶ δυσμενεῖς αἰσθάνονται μὴ βουλομένους ἀκούειν.
A considerable one, I replied; but pray observe whether Xenophon himself, in his descriptions of Socrates’s and the Persian entertainments, hath not sufficiently explained them. But if you would have my thoughts,—first, men are pleased to be asked those questions to which they have an answer ready; such are those in which the persons asked have some skill and competent knowledge; for when the enquiry is above their reach, those that can return nothing are troubled, as if requested to give something beyond their power; and those that do answer, producing some crude and insufficient demonstration, must needs be very much concerned, and apt to blunder on the wrong. Now, if the answer not only is easy but hath something not common, it is more pleasing to them that make it; and this happens, when their knowledge is greater than that of the vulgar, as suppose they are well skilled in points of astrology or logic. For not only in action and serious matters, but also in discourse, every one hath a natural disposition to be pleased (as Euripides hath it) To seem far to outdo himself.
And all are delighted when men put such questions as they understand, and would have others know that they are acquainted with; and therefore travellers and merchants are most satisfied when their company is inquisitive about other countries, the unknown ocean, and the laws and manners of the barbarians; they are ready to inform them, and describe the countries and the creeks, imagining this to be some recompense for their toil, some comfort for the dangers they have passed. In short, whatever we are wont to discourse of though unrequested, we are desirous to be asked; because then we seem to gratify those whom otherwise our prattle would disturb and force from our conversation. And this is the common disease of navigators. But more genteel and modest men love to be asked about those things which they have bravely and successfully performed, and which modesty will not permit to be spoken by themselves before company; and therefore Nestor did well when, being acquainted with Ulysses’s desire of reputation, he said, Tell, brave Ulysses, glory of the Greeks, / How you the horses seized. / For man cannot endure the insolence of those who praise themselves and repeat their own exploits, unless the company desires it and they are forced to a relation; therefore it tickles them to be asked about their embassies and administrations of the commonwealth, if they have done any thing notable in either. And upon this account the envious and ill-natured start very few questions of that sort; they thwart and hinder all such kind of motions, being very unwilling to give any occasion or opportunity for that discourse which shall tend to the advantage of the relator. In short, we please those to whom we put them, when we start questions about those matters which their enemies hate to hear.
καὶ μὴν ὃ γʼ Ὀδυσσεὺς τῷ Ἀλκινόῳσοὶ δʼ ἐμὰ κήδεα θυμὸς ἐπετράπετο στονόεντα / εἴρεσθʼ, ὄφρʼ ἔτι μᾶλλον ὀδυρόμενος στεναχίζω. / καὶ πρὸς τὸν χορὸν ὁ Οἰδίπους δεινὸν μὲν τὸ πάλαι κείμενον ἤδη κακόν, ὦ ξεῖνʼ, ἐπεγείρειν. ὁ δʼ Εὐριπίδης τοὐναντίον ὡς ἡδὺ μεμνῆσθαι πόνων […] οὐ τοῖς ἔτι πλανωμένοις καὶ κακὰ φέρουσι. τῶν οὖν κακῶν φυλακτέον ἐστὶ τὰς ἐρωτήσεις· ἀνιῶνται γὰρ διηγούμενοι καταδίκας αὑτῶν ἢ ταφὰς παίδων ἤ τινας κατὰ γῆν οὐκ εὐτυχεῖς ἢ κατὰ θάλατταν ἐμπορίας. τὸ δὲ πῶς εὐημέρησαν ἐπὶ βήματος ἢ προσηγορεύθησαν ὑπὸ τοῦ βασιλέως ἢ τῶν ἄλλων περιπεσόντων χειμῶσιν ἢ λῃσταῖς αὐτοὶ διέφυγον τὸν κίνδυνον, ἡδέως ἐρωτῶνται πολλάκις, καὶ τρόπον τινὰ τῷ λόγῳ τοῦ πράγματος ἀπολαύοντες ἀπλήστως ἔχουσι τοῦ διηγεῖσθαι καὶ μνημονεύειν. χαίρουσι δὲ καὶ περὶ φίλων εὐτυχούντων ἐρωτώμενοι καὶ περὶ παίδων προκοπτόντων ἐν μαθήμασιν ἢ συνηγορίαις ἢ φιλίαις βασιλέων. ἐχθρῶν δὲ καὶ δυσμενῶν ὀνείδη καὶ βλάβας καὶ καταδίκας ἐξελεγχθέντων καὶ σφαλέντων ἣδιον ἐρωτώμενοι καὶ προθυμότερον ἐξαγγέλλουσιν αὐτοὶ δʼ ἀφʼ αὑτῶν ὀκνοῦσι φυλαττόμενοι δόξαν ἐπιχαιρεκακίας. ἥδιον δὲ καὶ περὶ κυνῶν ἄνδρα θηρευτικὸν ἐρωτᾶν καὶ φιλαθλητὴν περὶ γυμνικῶν ἀγώνων καὶ περὶ καλῶν ἐρωτικόν. ὁ δʼ εὐσεβὴς καὶ φιλοθύτης διηγηματικὸς ὀνείρων, καὶ ὅσα χρησάμενος ἢ φήμαις ἢ ἱεροῖς ἢ θεῶν εὐμενείᾳ κατώρθωσεν, ἡδέως ἂν καὶ περὶ τούτων ἐρωτῷτο. τοῖς δὲ πρεσβύταις, κἂν μηδὲν ἡ διήγησις ᾖ προσήκουσα, πάντως οἱ ἐρωτῶντες χαρίζονται καὶ κινοῦσι βουλομένους. ὦ Νέστορ Νηληιάδη, σὺ δʼ ἀληθὲς ἐνίσπες, / πῶς ἔθανʼ Ἀτρείδης; […] / ποῦ Μενέλαος ἔην; […] / ἦ οὐκ Ἄργεος ἦεν Ἀχαιικοῦ; / πολλὰ ἐρωτῶν ἅμα καὶ πολλῶν λόγων ἀφορμὰς προσιέμενος, οὐχ, ὥσπερ ἔνιοι, συστέλλοντες εἰς τἀναγκαῖον αὐτὸ καὶ συνελαύνοντες τὰς ἀποκρίσεις ἀφαιροῦνται τῆς γεροντικῆς διατριβῆς τὸ ἥδιστον. ὅλως δʼ οἱ θέλοντες εὐφραίνειν μᾶλλον ἢ λυπεῖν τοιαύτας ἐρωτήσεις προφέρονται, ὧν ταῖς ἀποκρίσεσιν οὐ ψόγος ἀλλʼ ἔπαινος, οὐδὲ μῖσος ἢ νέμεσις ἀλλʼ εὔνοια καὶ χάρις ἕπεται παρὰ τῶν ἀκουσάντων. ταῦτα μὲν οὖν τὰ περὶ τὰς ἐρωτήσεις.
Ulysses says to Alcinous, You bid me tell what various ills I bore, / That the sad tale might make me grieve the more. / And Oedipus says to the chorus, ’Tis pain to raise again a buried grief. But Euripides on the contrary, How sweet it is, when we are lulled in ease, / To think of toils!—when well, of a disease! / True indeed, but not to those that are still tossed, still under a misfortune. Therefore be sure never to ask a man about his own calamities; it is irksome to relate his losses of children or estate, or any unprosperous adventure by sea or land; but ask a man how he carried the cause, how he was caressed by the King, how he escaped such a storm, such an assault, thieves, and the like; this pleaseth him, he seems to enjoy it over again in his relation, and is never weary of the topic. Besides, men love to be asked about their happy friends, or children that have made good progress in philosophy or the law, or are great at court; as also about the disgrace and open conviction of their enemies; for of such matters they are most eager to discourse, yet are cautious of beginning it themselves, lest they should seem to insult over and rejoice at the misery of others. You please a hunter if you ask him about dogs, a wrestler about exercise, and an amorous man about beauties; the ceremonious and superstitious man discourses about dreams, and what success he hath had by following the directions of omens or sacrifices, and by the kindness of the Gods; and questions concerning those things will extremely please him. He that enquires any thing of an old man, though the story doth not at all concern him, wins his heart, and urges one that is very willing to discourse: Nelides Nestor, faithfully relate / How great Atrides died, what sort of fate; / And where was Menelaus largely tell? / Did Argos hold him when the hero fell? / Here is a multitude of questions and variety of subjects; which is much better than to confine and cramp his answers, and so deprive the old man of the most pleasant enjoyment he can have. ’In short, they that had rather please than distaste will still propose such questions, the answers to which shall rather get the praise and good-will than the contempt and hatred of the hearers. And so much of questions.
σκώμματος δὲ τῷ μὴ δυναμένῳ μετʼ εὐλαβείας καὶ τέχνης κατὰ καιρὸν ἅπτεσθαι παντάπασιν ἀφεκτέον ὥσπερ γὰρ οἱ ἐν ὀλισθηρῷ τόπῳ, κἂν θίγωσιν ἐκ παραδρομῆς μόνον, ἀνατρέπουσιν, οὕτως ἐν οἴνῳ πρὸς πᾶσαν ἀφορμὴν λόγου μὴ κατὰ σχῆμα γιγνομένην ἐπισφαλῶς ἔχομεν. τοῖς δὲ σκώμμασιν ἔστιν ὅτε μᾶλλον ἢ ταῖς λοιδορίαις ἐκκινούμεθα, τὸ μὲν ὑπʼ ὀργῆς πολλάκις ἀβουλήτως ὁρῶντες γιγνόμενον, τὸ δʼ ὡς οὐκ ἀναγκαῖον ἀλλʼ ἔργον ὕβρεως καὶ κακοηθείας προβαλλόμενοι· καὶ καθόλου διαλέγεσθαι τοῖς […] νοις μᾶλλον ἢ τοῖς […] φλυαροῦσι χαλεπαίνομεν δῆλον γὰρ ὅτι δόλος τῷ σχήματι προσέσται τῷ κατὰ τὸ σκῶμμα, λοιδόρημα δὲ […] εἶναι καὶ πεποιημένον ἐκ παρασκευῆς. ὁ γὰρ εἰπὼν ταριχοπώλην αὐτόθεν ἐλοιδόρησεν, ὁ δὲ φήσας, μεμνήμεθά σε τῷ βραχίονι ἀπομυττόμενον ἔσκωψε. καὶ Κικέρων πρὸς Ὀκταούιον, ἐκ Λιβύης εἶναι δοκοῦντα λέγοντος δʼ αὐτοῦ φάσκοντα μὴ ἀκούειν, καὶ μὴν τετρυπημένον ἔφη ἔχεις τὸ οὖς. καὶ Μελάνθιος ὑπὸ τοῦ κωμῳδιοποιοῦ καταγελώμενος ἔφη οὐκ ὀφειλόμενόν μοι ἀποδίδως ἔρανον μᾶλλον οὖν τὰ σκώμματα δάκνει, καθάπερ τὰ παρηγκιστρωμένα βέλη πλείονα χρόνον ἐμμένοντα, καὶ λυπεῖ τοὺς σκωφθέντας ἡ τέρψις τῇ κομψότητι καὶ ἡδύνει τοὺς παρόντας· ἡδόμενοι γὰρ ἐπὶ τῷ λεγομένῳ, πιστεύειν δοκοῦσι καὶ συνδιασύρειν τῷ λέγοντι. ὀνειδισμὸς γάρ ἐστι τῆς ἁμαρτίας παρεσχηματισμένος τὸ σκῶμμα κατὰ τὸν Θεόφραστον · ὅθεν ἐξ αὑτοῦ τῇ ὑπονοίᾳ προστίθησιν ὁ ἀκούσας τὸ ἐλλεῖπον ὡς εἰδὼς καὶ πιστεύων. ὁ γὰρ γελάσας καὶ ἡσθείς, τοῦ Θεοκρίτου πρὸς τὸν δοκοῦντα λωποδυτεῖν ἐρωτῶντα δʼ αὐτὸν εἰ ἐπὶ δεῖπνον βαδίζει φήσαντος βαδίζειν ἐκεῖ μέντοι καθεύδειν, βεβαιοῦντι τὴν διαβολὴν ὅμοιός ἐστι. διὸ καὶ προσαναπίμπλησι τοὺς παρόντας ὁ σκώπτων παρὰ μέλος κακοηθείας, ὡς ἐφηδομένους καὶ συνυβρίζοντας. ἓν δὲ τῇ καλῇ Λακεδαίμονι τῶν μαθημάτων ἐδόκει, τὸ σκώπτειν ἀλύπως καὶ σκωπτόμενον φέρειν· εἰ δέ τις ἀπείποι σκωπτόμενος, εὐθὺς ὁ σκώπτων ἐπέπαυτο. πῶς οὖν οὐ χαλεπὸν εὑρεῖν σκῶμμα τῷ σκωπτομένῳ κεχαρισμένον, ὅπου καὶ τὸ μὴ λυποῦν τοῦ σκώμματος οὐ τῆς τυχούσης ἐμπειρίας καὶ δεξιότητός ἐστιν;
As for raillery, those that cannot use it cautiously with art, and time it well, should never venture at it. For as in a slippery place, if you but just touch a man as you pass by, you throw him down; so when we are in drink, we are in danger of tripping at every little word that is not spoken with due address. And we are sometimes more offended with a joke than a plain and scurrilous abuse; for we see the latter often slip from a man unwittingly in passion, but consider the former as a thing voluntary, proceeding from malice and ill-nature; and therefore we are generally more offended at a sharp jeerer than a whistling snarler. Such a jeer has indeed something artfully malicious about it, and often seems to be an insult devised and thought of beforehand. For instance, he that calls thee salt-fish monger plainly and openly abuseth; but he that says, I remember when you wiped your nose upon your sleeve, maliciously jeers. Such was Cicero’s to Octavius, who was thought to be descended from an African; for when Cicero spoke something, and Octavius said he did not hear him, Cicero rejoined, Strange, for you have a hole through your ear. And Melanthius, when he was ridiculed by a comedian, said, You pay me now something that you do not owe me. And upon this account jeers vex more; for like bearded arrows they stick a long while, and gall the wounded sufferer. Their smartness is pleasant, and delights the company; and those that are pleased with the saying seem to believe the detracting speaker. For, according to Theophrastus, a jeer is a figurative reproach for some fault or misdemeanor; and therefore he that hears it supplies the concealed part, as if he knew and gave credit to the thing. For he that laughs and is tickled at what Theocritus said to one whom he suspected of a design upon his purse, and who asked him if he went to supper at such a place,—Yes, he replied, I go, but shall likewise lodge there all night,—doth, as it were confirm the accusation, and believe the fellow was a thief. Therefore an impertinent jeerer makes the whole company seem ill-natured and abusive, as being pleased with and consenting to the scurrility of the jeer. It was one of the excellent rules in Sparta, that none should be bitter in their jests, and the jeered should patiently endure; but if he took offence, the other was to forbear, and pursue the frolic no farther. How is it possible therefore to determine such raillery as shall delight and please the person that is jested on, when to be smart without offence is no mean piece of cunning and address?
οὐ μὴν ἀλλὰ πρῶτά μοι δοκεῖ τὰ λυποῦντα τοὺς ἐνόχους σκώμματα τοῖς μακρὰν οὖσι τῆς διαβολῆς ἡδονήν τινα καὶ χάριν ποιεῖν· οἷον ὁ Ξενοφῶν τὸν ὑπέραισχρον καὶ ὑπέρδασυν ἐκεῖνον ὡς παιδικὰ τοῦ Σαμβαύλα σκωπτόμενον εἰσάγει μετὰ παιδιᾶς. καὶ Κυήτου τοῦ ἡμετέρου μέμνησαι γάρ ἐν ἀσθενείᾳ τὰς χεῖρας ἔχειν ψυχρὰς λέγοντος, Αὐφίδιος Μόδεστος ἀλλὰ μήν ἔφη θερμὰς ἀπὸ τῆς ἐπαρχίας κεκόμικας αὐτάς· τοῦτο γὰρ ἐκείνῳ μὲν γέλωτα καὶ διάχυσιν παρέσχε, κλέπτῃ δʼ ἀνθυπάτῳ λοιδόρημα καὶ ὄνειδος ἦν. διὸ καὶ Κριτόβουλον ὁ Σωκράτης εὐπροσωπότατον ὄντα προκαλούμενος εἰς σύγκρισιν εὐμορφίας ἔπαιζεν οὐκ ἐχλεύαζεν. καὶ Σωκράτην πάλιν Ἀλκιβιάδης ἔσκωπτεν εἰς ζηλοτυπίαν τὴν περὶ Ἀγάθωνος. ἥδονται δὲ καὶ βασιλεῖς τοῖς λεγομένοις ὡς εἰς πένητας αὐτοὺς καὶ ἰδιώτας, ὥσπερ ὑπὸ Φιλίππου σκωφθεὶς ὁ παράσιτος εἶπεν οὐκ ἐγώ σε τρέφω; τὰ γὰρ οὐ προσόντα φαῦλα λέγοντες ἐμφαίνουσι τὰ προσόντα χρηστά. δεῖ δʼ ὁμολογουμένως καὶ βεβαίως προσεῖναὶ τι χρηστόν· εἰ δὲ μή, τὸ λεγόμενον τοὐναντίον ἀμφισβητήσιμον ἔχει τὴν ὑπόνοιαν. ὁ γὰρ τῷ πάνυ πλουσίῳ τοὺς δανειστὰς ἐπάξειν λέγων, ἢ τὸν ὑδροπότην καὶ σώφρονα παροινεῖν καὶ μεθύειν, ἢ τὸν εὐδάπανον καὶ μεγαλοπρεπῆ καὶ χαριστικὸν κίμβικα καὶ κυμινοπρίστην προσαγορεύων, ἢ τὸν ἐν συνηγορίαις καὶ πολιτείαις μέγαν ἀπειλῶν ἐν ἀγορᾷ λήψεσθαι, διάχυσιν καὶ μειδίαμα παρέσχεν. οὕτως ὁ Κῦρος ἐν οἷς ἐλείπετο τῶν ἑταίρων, εἰς ταῦτα προκαλούμενος ἐγίγνετο προσηνὴς καὶ κεχαρισμένος. καὶ τοῦ Ἰσμηνίου τῇ θυσίᾳ προσαυλοῦντος, ὡς οὐκ ἐκαλλιέρει, παρελόμενος τοὺς αὐλοὺς ὁ μισθωτὴς ηὔλησε γελοίως· αἰτιωμένων δὲ τῶν παρόντων, ἐκεῖνος καλλιερήσαςἔστιν ἔφη τὸ κεχαρισμένως αὐλεῖν θεόθεν· ὁ δʼ Ἰσμηνίας γελάσας ἀλλʼ ἐμοῦ μὲν εἶπεν αὐλοῦντος ἡδόμενοι διέτριβον οἱ θεοί, σοῦ δʼ ἀπαλλαγῆναι σπεύδοντες ἐδέξαντο τὴν θυσίαν.
First then, such as will vex and gall the conscious must please those that are clean, innocent, and not suspected of the matter. Such a joke is Xenophon’s, when he pleasantly brings in a very ugly ill-looking fellow, and is smart upon him for being Sambaulas’s minion. Such was that of Aufidius Modestus, who, when our friend Quintius in an ague complained his hands were cold, replied, Sir, you brought them warm from your province; for this made Quintius laugh, and extremely pleased him; yet it had been a reproach and abuse to a covetous and oppressing governor. Thus Socrates, pretending to compare faces with the beauteous Critobulus, rallied only, and not abused. And Alcibiades again was smart on Socrates, as his rival in Agatho’s affection. Kings are pleased when jests are put upon them as if they were private and poor men. Such was the flatterer’s to Philip, who chided him: Sir, don’t I keep you? For those that mention faults of which the persons are not really guilty intimate those virtues with which they are really adorned. But then it is requisite that those virtues should be evident and certainly belong to them; otherwise the discourse will breed disturbance and suspicion. He that tells a very rich man that he will procure him a sum of money,—a temperate sober man, and one that drinks water only, that he is foxed, or hath taken a cup too much,—a hospitable, generous, good-humored man, that he is a niggard and pinch-penny,—or threatens an excellent lawyer to meet him at the bar,— must make the persons smile and please the company. Thus Cyrus was very obliging and complaisant, when he challenged his play-fellows at those sports in which he was sure to be overcome. And Ismenias piping at a sacrifice, when no good omens appeared, the man that hired him snatched the pipe, and played very ridiculously himself; and when all found fault, he said: To play satisfactorily is the gift of Heaven. And Ismenias with a smile replied: Whilst I played, the Gods were so well pleased that they were careless of the sacrifice; but to be rid of thy noise they presently received it.
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