HAG Hi! knocking? seeking ME?
YOUTH A likely joke.
HAG You banged against my door.
YOUTH Hanged if I did.
HAG Then why that lighted torch? What seek you here?
YOUTH Some Anaphlystian burgher.
HAG What’s his name?
YOUTH No, not Sebinus; whom you want belike.
HAG By Aphrodite, will you, nill you, sir.
YOUTH Ah, but we’re not now taking cases over Sixty years old: they’ve been adjourned till later; Were taking now those under twenty years.
HAG Aha, but that was under, darling boy, The old régime: now you must take us first.
YOUTH Aye, if I will: so runs the Paetian law.
HAG You didn’t, did you, dine by Paetian law.
YOUTH Don’t understand you: there’s the girl I want.
HAG Aye, but me first: you must, you rogue, you must.
YOUTH O we don’t want a musty pack-cloth now.
HAG I know I’m loved: but O you wonder, don’t you, To see me out of doors: come, buss me, do.
YOUTH No, no, I dread your lover.
HAG Whom do you mean?
YOUTH That prince of painters.
HAG Who is he, I wonder.
YOUTH Who paints from life the bottles for the dead. Away! begone! he’ll see you at the door.
HAG I know, I know your wishes.
YOUTH And I yours.
HAG I vow by Aphrodite, whose I am, I’ll never let you go.
YOUTH You’re mad, old lady.
HAG Nonsense! I’ll drag you recreant to my couch.
YOUTH Why buy we hooks to raise our buckets then, When an old hag like this, let deftly down, Could claw up all the buckets from our wells?
HAG No scoffing, honey: come along with me.
YOUTH You’ve got no rights, unless you’ve paid the tax, One-fifth per cent on all your wealth—of years.
HAG O yes, you must; O yes, by Aphrodite, Because I love to cuddle lads like you.
YOUTH But I don’t love to cuddle hags like you, Nor will I: never! never!
HAG O yes, you will, This will compel you.
YOUTH What in the world is THIS?
HAG THIS is a law which bids you follow me.
YOUTH Read what it says.
HAG O yes, my dear, I will. Be it enacted, please to listen, you, By us the ladies: if a youth would woo A maiden, he must first his duty do By some old beldame; if the youth refuse, Then may the beldames lawful violence use And drag him in, in any way they choose.
YOUTH A crusty law! a Procrustéan law!
HAG Well, never mind; you must obey the law.
YOUTH What if some Man, a friend or fellow-burgher, Should come and bail me out?
HAG A Man, forsooth? No Man avails beyond a bushel now.
YOUTH Essoign I’ll challenge.
HAG Nay, no quillets now.
YOUTH I’ll sham a merchant.
HAG You’ll repent it then.
YOUTH And must I come?
HAG You must.
YOUTH Is it a stern Necessity?
HAG Yes, quite Diomedéan.
YOUTH Then strew the couch with dittany, and set Four well-crushed branches of the vine beneath; Bind on the fillets; set the oil beside;
YOUTH And at the entrance set the water-crock.
HAG Now, by my troth, you’ll buy me a garland yet.
YOUTH A waxen garland. So, by Zeus, will. You’ll fall to pieces, I expect, in there.
GIRL Where drag you him?
HAG I’m taking home my husband.
GIRL Not wisely then: the lad is far too young To serve your turn. You’re of an age, methinks To be his mother rather than his wife. If thus ye carry out the law, erelong Ye’ll have an Oedipus in every house.
HAG You nasty spiteful girl, you made that speech Out of sheer envy, but I’ll pay you out.
YOUTH Now by the Saviour Zeus, my sweetest sweet, A rare good turn you have done me, scaring off That vulturous Hag; for which, at eventide, I’ll make you, darling, what return I can.
SECOND HAG Hallo, Miss Break-the-law, where are you dragging That gay young stripling, when the writing says I’m first to wed him?
YOUTH Miserable me! Whence did you spring, you evil-destined Hag? She’s worse than the other: I protest she is.
SECOND HAG Come hither. YOUTH (to the Girl). O my darling, don’t stand by, And see this creature drag me!
SECOND HAG ’Tis not I, ’Tis the Law drags you.
YOUTH ’Tis a hellish vampire, Clothed all about with blood, and boils, and blisters.
SECOND HAG Come, chickling, follow me: and don’t keep chattering.
YOUTH O let me first, for pity’s sake, retire Into some draught-house. I’m in such a fright That I shall yellow all about me else.
SECOND HAG Come, never mind; you can do that within.
YOUTH More than I wish, I fear me. Come, pray do, I’ll give you bail with two sufficient sureties.
SECOND HAG No bail for me!
THIRD HAG (to Youth). Hallo, where are you gadding Away with her?
YOUTH Not “gadding”: being dragged. But blessings on you, whosoe’er you are, Sweet sympathizer. Ah! Oh! Heracles! Ye Pans! ye Corybants! Twin sons of Zeus She’s worse than the other! Miserable me! What shall I term this monstrous apparition? A monkey smothered up in paint, or else A witch ascending from the Greater Number?
SECOND HAG No scoffing: come this way.
THIRD HAG This way, I tell you.
THIRD HAG I’ll never let you go.
SECOND HAG No more will I.
YOUTH Detested kites, ye’ll rend me limb from limb.
SECOND HAG Obey the law, which bids you follow me.
THIRD HAG Not if a fouler, filthier, hag appears.
YOUTH Now if betwixt you two I am done to death, How shall I ever reach the girl I love?
THIRD HAG That’s your look-out; but this you needs must do.
YOUTH Which shall I tackle first, and so get free?
SECOND HAG You know; come hither.
YOUTH Make her let me go.
THIRD HAG No, no, come hither.
YOUTH If she’ll let me go.
SECOND HAG Zeus! I’ll not let you go.
THIRD HAG No more will I.
YOUTH Rough hands ye’d prove as ferrymen.
SECOND HAG Why so?
YOUTH Ye’d tear your passengers to bits by pulling.
SECOND HAG Don’t talk, come hither.
THIRD HAG No, this way, I tell you.
YOUTH O this is like Cannonus’s decree, To play the lover, fettered right and left. How can one oarsman navigate a pair?
SECOND HAG Tush, eat a pot of truffles, foolish boy.
YOUTH O me, I’m dragged along till now I’ve reached The very door.
THIRD HAG That won’t avail you aught; I’ll tumble in beside you.
YOUTH Heaven forbid! Better to struggle with one ill than two.
THIRD HAG O yes, by Hecate, will you, nill you, sir.
YOUTH Thrice hapless me, who first must play the man With this old rotten carcase, and when freed From her, shall find another Phryne there, A bottle of oil beside her grinning chaps. Ain’t I ill-fated? Yea, most heavy-fated!
YOUTH
O Zeus the Saviour, what a wretch am I Yoked with this pair of savage-hearted beasts And O should aught befall me, sailing in To harbour, towed by these detested drabs, Bury my body by the harbour’s mouth; And take the upper hag, who still survives, And tar her well, and round her ankles twain Pour molten lead, and plant her on my grave, The staring likeness of a bottle of oil.
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