CHREMES And I will muster and review my goods, And bring them all, as ordered, to the stores. (Here was a choral song, now lost, during which Chremes is preparing to bring out his chattels from the house.)
CHREMES My sweet bran-winnower, come you sweetly here. March out the first of all my household goods, Powdered and trim, like some young basket-bearer. Aye, many a sack of mine you have bolted down. Now where’s the chair-girl? Come along, dear pot, (Wow! but you’re black: scarce blacker had you chanced To boil the dye Lysicrates employs) And stand by her. Come hither, tiring-maid; And pitcher-bearer, bear your pitcher here.
CHREMES You, fair musician, take your station there, You whose untimely trumpet-call has oft Roused me, ere daybreak, to attend the Assembly. Who’s got the dish, go forward; take the combs Of honey; set the olive branches nigh; Bring out the tripods and the bottles of oil; The pannikins and rubbish you can leave.
CITIZEN I bring my goods to the stores! That were to be A hapless greenhorn, ill endowed with brains. I’ll never do it; by Poseidon, never! I’ll test the thing and scan its bearings first. I’m not the man to fling my sweat and thrift So idly and so brainlessly away, Before I’ve fathomed how the matter stands. —You there! what means this long array of chattels? Are they brought out because you’re changing house, Or are you going to pawn them?
CHREMES No.
CITIZEN Then why All in a row? Are they, in grand procession, Marching to Hiero the auctioneer?
CHREMES O no, I am going to bring them to the stores For the State’s use: so run the new-made laws.
CITIZEN (in shrill surprise) You are going to bring them!
CHREMES Yes.
CITIZEN By Zeus the Saviour, You’re an ill-starred one!
CHREMES How?
CITIZEN How? Plain enough.
CHREMES What, must I not, forsooth, obey the laws?
CITIZEN The laws, poor wretch! What laws?
CHREMES The new-made laws.
CITIZEN The new-made laws? O what a fool you are!
CHREMES A fool?
CITIZEN Well, aren’t you? Just the veriest dolt In all the town!
CHREMES Because I do what’s ordered?
CITIZEN Is it a wise man’s part to do what’s ordered?
CHREMES Of course it is.
CITIZEN Of course it is a fool’s.
CHREMES Then won’t you bring yours in?
CITIZEN I’ll wait awhile, And watch the people what they’re going to do.
CHREMES What should they do but bring their chattels in For the State’s use?
CITIZEN I SAW IT AND BELIEVED.
CHREMES Why, in the streets they talk—
CITIZEN Ay, talk they will.
CHREMES Saying they’ll bring their goods—
CITIZEN Ay, say they will.
CHREMES Zounds! you doubt everything.
CITIZEN Ay, doubt they will.
CHREMES O, Heaven confound you.
CITIZEN Ay, confound they will. What! think you men of sense will bring their goods? Not they! That’s not our custom: we’re disposed Rather to take than give, like the dear gods. Look at their statues, stretching out their hands! We pray the powers to give us all things good; Still they hold forth their hands with hollowed palms,
CITIZEN Showing their notion is to take, not give.
CHREMES Pray now, good fellow, let me do my work. Hi! where’s the strap? These must be tied together.
CITIZEN You are really going?
CHREMES Don’t you see I’m tying These tripods up this instant?
CITIZEN O what folly! Not to delay a little, and observe What other people do, and then—
CHREMES And then?
CITIZEN Why then put off, and then delay again.
CHREMES Why so?
CITIZEN Why, if perchance an earthquake came, Or lightning fell, or a cat cross the street, They’ll soon cease bringing in, you blockhead you!
CHREMES A pleasant jest, if I should find no room To bring my chattels!
CITIZEN To RECEIVE, you mean. ’Twere time to bring them, two days hence.
CHREMES How mean you?
CITIZEN I know these fellows; voting in hot haste, And straight ignoring the decree they’ve passed.
CHREMES They’ll bring them, friend.
CITIZEN But if they don’t, what then?
CHREMES No fear; they’ll bring them.
CITIZEN If they don’t, what then?
CHREMES We’ll fight them.
CITIZEN If they prove too strong, what then?
CHREMES I’ll leave them.
CITIZEN If they won’t be left, what then?
CHREMES Go, hang yourself.
CITIZEN And if I do, what then?
CHREMES ’Twere a good deed.
CITIZEN You are really going to bring them?
CHREMES Yes, that’s exactly what I’m going to do. I see my neighbours bringing theirs.
CITIZEN Ay; Antisthenes for instance. Heavens, he’d liefer Sit on the stool for thirty days and more.
CHREMES Be hanged!
CITIZEN Well, but Callimachus the poet, What, will he bring them?
CHREMES More than Callias can.
CITIZEN Well, here’s a man will throw away his substance.
CHREMES That’s a hard saying.
CITIZEN Hard when every day We see abortive resolutions passed! That vote about the salt, you mind that, don’t you?
CHREMES I do.
CITIZEN And how we voted, don’t you mind, Those copper coins.
CHREMES And a bad job for me That coinage proved. I sold my grapes, and stuffed My cheek with coppers; then I steered away And went to purchase barley in the market; When just as I was holding out my sack, The herald cried, No copper coins allowed!
CHREMES Nothing but silver must be paid or taken!
CITIZEN Then that late tax, the two-and-a-half per cent, Euripides devised, weren’t we all vowing ’Twould yield five hundred talents to the State? Then every man would gild Euripides. But when we reckoned up, and found the thing A Zeus’s Corinth, and no good at all, Then every man would tar Euripides.
CHREMES But times have altered; then the men bare sway, ’Tis now the women.
CITIZEN Who, I’ll take good care, Shan’t try on me their little piddling ways.
CHREMES You’re talking nonsense. Boy, take up the yoke.
CRIER O all ye citizens (for now ’tis thus), Come all, come quick, straight to your chieftainess, There cast your lots; there fortune shall assign To every man his destined feasting-place. Come, for the tables now are all prepared And laden heavily with all good things: The couches all with rugs and cushions piled! They’re mixing wine: the perfume-selling girls Are ranged in order: collops on the fire: Hares on the spit; and in the oven, cakes; Chaplets are woven: comfits parched and dried. The youngest girls are boiling pots of broth; And there amongst them, in his riding-suit, The gallant Smoius licks their platters clean. There Geron too, in dainty robe and pumps,
CRIER His threadbare cloak and shoon discarded now, Struts on, guffawing with another lad. Come, therefore, come, and quickly: bread in hand The pantler stands; and open wide your mouths.
CITIZEN I’ll go, for one. Why stand I idly here, When thus the city has declared her will?
CHREMES Where will you go? You haven’t brought your goods.
CITIZEN To supper.
CHREMES Not if they’ve their wits about them Until you’ve brought your goods.
CITIZEN I’ll bring them.
CHREMES When?
CITIZEN My doings won’t delay the job.
CHREMES Why not?
CITIZEN Others will bring them later still than I.
CHREMES You are going to supper?
CITIZEN What am I to do? Good citizens must needs support the State As best they can.
CHREMES If they say no, what then?
CITIZEN At them, head foremost.
CHREMES If they strike, what then?
CITIZEN Summon the minxes.
CHREMES If they jeer, what then?
CITIZEN Why, then I’ll stand beside the door, and—
CHREMES What?
CITIZEN Seize on the viands as they bear them in.
CHREMES Come later then. Now Parmeno and Sicon Take up my goods and carry them along.
CITIZEN I’ll help you bring them.
CHREMES Heaven forbid! I fear That when I’m there, depositing the goods
CHREMES Beside the chieftainess, you’ll claim them yours.
CITIZEN (alone) Now must I hatch some crafty shrewd device To keep my goods, and yet secure a part In all these public banquets, like the rest. Hah! Excellent! ’Twill work. Away! Away! On to the banquet-hall without delay. (Here again was a choral song, now lost.)
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