Aristophanes, Ecclesiazusae 130–310: Episode: the women rehearse their speeches and march to the Assembly

PRAXAGORA Now, Purifier? carry round the—cat. Come in! Ariphrades, don’t chatter so. Come in, sit down. Who will address the meeting

FIRST WOMAN I.

PRAXAGORA Wear this chaplet then, and luck be with you.

FIRST WOMAN There.

PRAXAGORA Speak away.

FIRST WOMAN What, speak before I drink?

PRAXAGORA Just listen. Drink!

FIRST WOMAN Then what’s this chaplet for?

PRAXAGORA O get away. Is this what you’d have done Amongst the men?

FIRST WOMAN What, don’t men drink at meetings?

PRAXAGORA Drink, fool?

FIRST WOMAN By Artemis, I know they do, And strong drink too. Look at the acts they pass. Do you mean to tell me that they’d pass such nonsense If they weren’t drunk? Besides, they pour libations. Or what’s the meaning of those tedious prayers? Unless they’d got some wine, I’d like to know. Besides, they quarrel just like drunken men, And when one drinks too much, and gets too noisy, In come the Archer-boys, and run him out.

PRAXAGORA Begone and sit you down, for you’re no good.

FIRST WOMAN Good lack, I wish I’d never worn a beard; I’m parched to death with thirst, I really am.

PRAXAGORA Would any other like to speak?

SECOND WOMAN Yes, I.

PRAXAGORA Put on this chaplet and be quick. Time presses. Now lean your weight upon your walking-stick, And speak your words out manfully and well.

SECOND WOMAN I could have wished some more experienced man Had risen to speak, while I sat still and listened. But now I say I’ll not permit, for one, That in their taverns men should make them tanks Of water. ’Tis not proper, by the Twain.

PRAXAGORA How! by the Twain? Girl, have you lost your wits?

SECOND WOMAN Why, what’s amiss? I never asked for drink.

PRAXAGORA You are a man, and yet invoked the Twain. All else you said was excellently right.

SECOND WOMAN O yes, by Apollo!

PRAXAGORA Mind then, I won’t move Another step in this Assembly business, Unless you are strict and accurate in this.

SECOND WOMAN Give me the chaplet, and I’ll try again. I’ve thought of something very good to say. In my opinion, O assembled women,

PRAXAGORA O monstrous! women, idiot, when they’re MEN?

SECOND WOMAN ’Twas all Epigonus: he caught my eye And so, methought ’twas women I harangued.

PRAXAGORA You, too, retire and sit you down again, For I myself will wear the chaplet now Your cause to further: and I pray the gods That I may haply prosper our design. I have, my friends, an equal stake with you In this our country, and I grieve to note The sad condition of the State’s affairs. I see the State employing evermore Unworthy ministers; if one do well A single day, he’ll act amiss for ten. You trust another: he’ll be ten times worse. Hard, hard it is to counsel wayward men, Always mistrusting those who love you best, And paying court to those who love you not. There was a time, my friends, we never came To these Assemblies; then we knew full well Agyrrhius was a rogue: we come here now, And he who gets the cash applauds the man, And he who gets it not, protests that they

PRAXAGORA Who come for payment ought to die the death.

FIRST WOMAN By Aphrodite now, but that’s well said!

PRAXAGORA Heavens! Aphrodite! ’Twere a pleasant jest, If in the Assembly you should praise me so!

FIRST WOMAN Ah, but I won’t.

PRAXAGORA Then don’t acquire the habit. This League again, when first we talked it over, It seemed the only thing to save the State. Yet when they’d got it, they disliked it. He Who pushed it through was forced to cut and run. Ships must be launched; the poor men all approve, The wealthy men and farmers disapprove. You used to hate Corinthians, and they you; They are friendly now: do you be friendly too. Argeius was a fool: now Jerome’s wise. Safety just showed her face: but Thrasybulus, No more called in, is quite excluded now.

FIRST WOMAN Here’s a shrewd man!

PRAXAGORA Ah, now you praise me rightly Ye are to blame for this, Athenian people, Ye draw your wages from the public purse, Yet each man seeks his private gain alone.

PRAXAGORA So the State reels, like any Aesimus. Still, if ye trust me, ye shall yet be saved. I move that now the womankind be asked To rule the State. In our own homes, ye know, They are the managers and rule the house.

FIRST WOMAN O good, good, good! speak on, speak on, dear man

PRAXAGORA That they are better in their ways than we I’ll soon convince you. First, they dye their wools With boiling tinctures, in the ancient style. You won’t find them, I warrant, in a hurry Trying new plans. And would it not have saved The Athenian city had she let alone Things that worked well, nor idly sought things new? They roast their barley, sitting, as of old: They on their heads bear burdens, as of old: They keep their Thesmophoria, as of old: They bake their honied cheesecakes, as of old They victimize their husbands, as of old: They still secrete their lovers, as of old: They buy themselves sly dainties, as of old: They love their wine unwatered, as of old: They like a woman’s pleasures, as of old: Then let us, gentlemen, give up to them The helm of State, and not concern ourselves, Nor pry, nor question what they mean to do; But let them really govern, knowing this, The statesman-mothers never will neglect Their soldier-sons. And then a soldier’s rations, Who will supply as well as she who bare him? For ways and means none can excel a woman. And there’s no fear at all that they’ll be cheated

PRAXAGORA When they’re in power, for they’re the cheats themselves. Much I omit. But if you pass my motion, You’ll lead the happiest lives that e’er you dreamed of.

FIRST WOMAN O, good! Praxagora. Well done, sweet wench. However did you learn to speak so finely?

PRAXAGORA I and my husband in the general flight? Lodged in the Pnyx, and there I heard the speakers.

FIRST WOMAN Ah, you were clever to some purpose, dear. And if you now succeed in your designs We’ll then and there proclaim you chieftainess. But what if Cephalus, ill fare, insult you, How will you answer him in full Assembly?

PRAXAGORA I’ll say he’s frenzied.

FIRST WOMAN True enough; but all The world know that.

PRAXAGORA I’ll say he’s moody-mad.

FIRST WOMAN They know that too.

PRAXAGORA That he’s more fit to tinker The constitution than his pots and pans.

FIRST WOMAN If Neocleides, blear-eyed oaf, insult you?

PRAXAGORA Peep at a puppy’s tail, my lad, quoth I.

FIRST WOMAN What if they interrupt?

PRAXAGORA I’ll meet them there, I’m quite accustomed to that sort of thing.

FIRST WOMAN O but suppose the archers hale you off, What will you do?

PRAXAGORA Stick out my elbows, so.

PRAXAGORA They shan’t seize me, the varlets, round my waist.

SEMICHORUS Aye, and we’ll help: we’ll bid the men let go.

FIRST WOMAN Then that we’ve settled, wonderfully well. But this we’ve not considered, how to mind We lift our hands, and not our feet, in voting. We’re more for lifting feet than lifting hands.

PRAXAGORA A knotty point. However, we must each Hold up one arm, bare from the shoulder, so. Now then, my dears, tuck up your tunics neatly, And slip your feet in those Laconian shoes, Just as ye’ve seen your husbands do, whene’er They’re going out, mayhap to attend the Assembly. And next, so soon as everything is right With shoes and tunics, fasten on your beards, And when ye’ve got them neatly fitted on, Then throw your husbands’ mantles over all, Those which ye stole; and leaning on your sticks Off to the Meeting, piping as ye go Some old man’s song, and mimicking the ways Of country fellows.

FIRST WOMAN Good! but let ourselves Get on before them: other women soon Will come I know from all the countryside Straight for the Pnyx.

PRAXAGORA Be quick, for ’tis the rule That whoso comes not with the early dawn Must slink abashed, with never a doit, away.

SEMICHORUS Time to be moving, gentlemen! ’tis best we keep repeating This name of ours, lest we forget to use it at the Meeting For terrible the risk would be, if any man detected

The great and daring scheme which we in darkness have projected. Song of the (town) Semichorus. On to the Meeting, worthy sirs: for now the magistrate avers That whoever shall fail to Arrive while the dusk of the Morning is grey, All dusty and smacking of Pickle and acid, that Man shall assuredly Forfeit his pay. Now Charitimides, Draces, and Smicythus, Hasten along: See that there fall from you Never a word or a Note that is wrong. Get we our tickets, and Sit we together, and Choose the front rows. Vote we whatever our Sisters propose. Our sisters! My wits are gone gleaning! Our “brothers,” of course, was my meaning. Song of the country Semichorus. We’ll thrust aside this bothering throng which from the city crowds along, These men, who aforetime When only an obol they

Got for their pay? Would sit in the wreath-market, Chatting away. Ah well, in the days of our Noble Myronides? None would have stooped Money to take for Attending the meetings, but Hither they trooped, Each with his own little Goatskin of wine, Each with three olives, two Onions, one loaf, in his Wallet, to dine. But now they are set The three-obol to get, And whene’er the State business engages, They clamour, like hodmen, for wages.