CHORUS
“Now waken your intellect bright,
CHORUS Your soul philosophic, that knows So well for your comrades to fight. For all to our happiness goes The project your tongue will disclose, As with thousands of joys you propose The citizen life to endow. Now show us what things you can do! It is time; for the populace now Requires an original new Experiment; only do you Some novelty bring from your store Never spoken or done heretofore. The audience don’t like to be cheated With humours too often repeated. So come to the point, and at once; for delay Is a thing the spectators detest in a play.
PRAXAGORA I’ve an excellent scheme, if you will but believe it; But I cannot be sure how our friends will receive it; Or what they will do, if the old I eschew, And propound them a system erratic and new. This makes me a trifle alarmed and faint-hearted.
BLEPYRUS As to that, you may safely be fearless and bold: We adore what is new, and abhor what is old. This rule we retain when all else has departed.
PRAXAGORA Then all to the speaker in silence attend, And don’t interrupt till I come to the end,
PRAXAGORA And weigh and perpend, till you quite comprehend, The drift and intent of the scheme I present. The rule which I dare to enact and declare, Is that all shall be equal, and equally share All wealth and enjoyments, nor longer endure That one should be rich, and another be poor, That one should have acres, far-stretching and wide, And another not even enough to provide Himself with a grave: that this at his call Should have hundreds of servants, and that none at all. All this I intend to correct and amend: Now all of all blessings shall freely partake, One life and one system for all men I make.
BLEPYRUS And how will you manage it?
PRAXAGORA First, I’ll provide That the silver, and land, and whatever beside Each man shall possess, shall be common and free, One fund for the public; then out of it we Will feed and maintain you, like housekeepers true, Dispensing, and sparing, and caring for you.
BLEPYRUS With regard to the land, I can quite understand, But how, if a man have his money in hand, Not farms, which you see, and he cannot withhold, But talents of silver and Darics of gold?
PRAXAGORA All this to the stores he must bring.
BLEPYRUS But suppose He choose to retain it, and nobody knows; Rank perjury doubtless; but what if it be? ’Twas by that he acquired it at first.
PRAXAGORA I agree. But now ’twill be useless; he’ll need it no more.
BLEPYRUS How mean you?
PRAXAGORA All pressure from want will be o’er. Now each will have all that a man can desire, Cakes, barley-loaves, chestnuts, abundant attire, Wine, garlands and fish: then why should he wish The wealth he has gotten by fraud to retain? If you know any reason, I hope you’ll explain.
BLEPYRUS ’Tis those that have most of these goods, I believe, That are always the worst and the Keenest to thieve.
PRAXAGORA I grant you, my friend, in the days that are past, In your old-fashioned system, abolished at last; But what he’s to gain, though his wealth he retain, When all things are common, I’d have you explain.
BLEPYRUS If a youth to a girl his devotion would show, He surely must woo her with presents.
PRAXAGORA O no. All women and men will be common and free, No marriage or other restraint there will be.
BLEPYRUS But if all should aspire to the favours of one, To the girl that is fairest, what then will be done?
PRAXAGORA By the side of the beauty, so stately and grand, The dwarf, the deformed, and the ugly will stand; And before you’re entitled the beauty to woo, Your court you must pay to the hag and the shrew.
BLEPYRUS For the ladies you’ve nicely provided no doubt; No woman will now be a lover without. But what of the men? For the girls, I suspect, The handsome will choose, and the ugly reject.
PRAXAGORA No girl will of course be permitted to mate Except in accord with the rules of the State. By the side of her lover, so handsome and tall, Will be stationed the squat, the ungainly and small. And before she’s entitled the beau to obtain, Her love she must grant to the awkward and plain
BLEPYRUS O then such a nose as Lysicrates shows Will vie with the fairest and best, I suppose.
PRAXAGORA O yes, ’tis a nice democratic device, A popular system as ever was tried, A jape on the swells with their rings and their pride. Now, fopling, away, Gaffer Hobnail will say, Stand aside: it is I have precedence to-day.
BLEPYRUS But how, may I ask, will the children be known? And how can a father distinguish his own?
PRAXAGORA They will never be known: it can never be told;
PRAXAGORA All youths will in common be sons of the old.
BLEPYRUS If in vain to distinguish our children we seek, Pray what will become of the agéd and weak? At present I own, though a father be known, Sons throttle and choke him with hearty goodwill; But will they not do it more cheerily still, When the sonship is doubtful?
PRAXAGORA No, certainly not. For now if a boy should a parent annoy, The lads who are near will of course interfere; For they may themselves be his children, I wot.
BLEPYRUS In much that you say there is much to admire; But what if Leucolophus claim me for sire, Or vile Epicurus? I think you’ll agree That a great and unbearable nuisance ’twould be.
CHREMES A nuisance much greater than this might befall you.
BLEPYRUS Howso?
CHREMES If the skunk Aristyllus should call you His father, and, seize you, a kiss to imprint.
BLEPYRUS O hang him! Confound him! O how I would pound him!
CHREMES I fancy you soon would be smelling of mint.
PRAXAGORA But this, sir, is nonsense: it never could be.
PRAXAGORA His kiss, it is plain, you can never obtain.
BLEPYRUS The prospect I view with disgust and alarm. But who will attend to the work of the farm?
PRAXAGORA All labour and toil to your slaves you will leave; Your business ’twill be, when the shadows of eve Ten feet on the face of the dial are cast, To scurry away to your evening repast.
BLEPYRUS Our clothes, what of them?
PRAXAGORA You have plenty in store, When these are worn out, we will weave you some more.
BLEPYRUS Just one other thing. If an action they bring, What funds will be mine for discharging the fine? You won’t pay it out of the stores, I opine.
PRAXAGORA A fine to be paid when an action they bring! Why bless you, our people won’t know such a thing As an action.
BLEPYRUS No actions! I feel a misgiving. Pray what are “our people” to do for a living?
CHREMES You are right: there are many will rue it.
PRAXAGORA No doubt. But what can one then bring an action about?
BLEPYRUS There are reasons in plenty; I’ll just mention one. If a debtor won’t pay you, pray what’s to be done?
PRAXAGORA If a debtor won’t pay! Nay, but tell me, my friend, How the creditor came by the money to lend?
PRAXAGORA All money, I thought, to the stores had been brought. I’ve got a suspicion, I say it with grief, Your creditor’s surely a bit of a thief.
CHREMES Now that is an answer acute and befitting.
BLEPYRUS But what if a man should be fined for committing Some common assault, when elated with wine; Pray what are his means for discharging that fine? I have posed you, I think.
PRAXAGORA Why, his victuals and drink Will be stopped by command for awhile; and I guess That he will not again in a hurry transgress, When he pays with his stomach.
BLEPYRUS Will thieves be unknown?
PRAXAGORA Why, how should they steal what is partly their own?
BLEPYRUS No chance then to meet at night in the street Some highwayman coming our cloaks to abstract?
PRAXAGORA No, not if you’re sleeping at home; nor, in fact, Though you choose to go out. That trade, why pursue it? There’s plenty for all: but suppose him to do it, Don’t fight and resist him; what need of a pother? You can go to the stores, and they’ll give you another.
BLEPYRUS Shall we gambling forsake?
PRAXAGORA Why, what could you stake?
BLEPYRUS But what is the style of our living to be?
PRAXAGORA One common to all, independent and free, All bars and partitions for ever undone, All private establishments fused into one.
BLEPYRUS Then where, may I ask, will our dinners be laid?
PRAXAGORA Each court and arcade of the law shall be made A banqueting-hall for the citizens.
BLEPYRUS Right. But what will you do with the desk for the speakers?
PRAXAGORA I’ll make it a stand for the cups and the beakers; And there shall the striplings be ranged to recite The deeds of the brave, and the joys of the fight, And the cowards’ disgrace; till out of the place Each coward shall slink with a very red face, Not stopping to dine.
BLEPYRUS O but that will be fine. And what of the balloting-booths?
PRAXAGORA They shall go To the head of the market-place, all in a row, And there by Harmodius taking my station, I’ll tickets dispense to the whole of the nation, Till each one has got his particular lot, And manfully bustles along to the sign Of the letter whereat he’s empanelled to dine. The man who has A shall be ushered away To the Royal Arcade; to the next will go B; And C to the Cornmarket.
BLEPYRUS Merely to see?
PRAXAGORA No, fool, but to dine.
BLEPYRUS ’Tis an excellent plan. Then he who gets never a letter, poor man, Gets never a dinner.
PRAXAGORA But ’twill not be so. There’ll be plenty for all, and to spare. No stint and no grudging our system will know, But each will away from the revelry go,
PRAXAGORA Elated and grand, with a torch in his hand And a garland of flowers in his hair. And then through the streets as they wander, a lot Of women will round them be creeping, “O come to my lodging,” says one, “I have got Such a beautiful girl in my keeping.” “But here is the sweetest and fairest, my boy,” From a window another will say, “But ere you’re entitled her love to enjoy Your toll to myself you must pay.” Then a sorry companion, flat-visaged and old, Will shout to the youngster “Avast! And where are you going, so gallant and bold, And where are you hieing so fast? ’Tis in vain; you must yield to the laws of the State, And I shall be courting the fair, Whilst you must without in the vestibule wait, And strive to amuse yourself there, dear boy, And strive to amuse yourself there.” There now, what think ye of my scheme?
BLEPYRUS First-rate.
PRAXAGORA Then now I’ll go to the market-place, and there, Taking some clear-voiced girl as crieress, Receive the goods as people bring them in. This must I do, elected chieftainess To rule the State and start the public feasts; That so your banquets may commence to-day.
BLEPYRUS What, shall we banquet now at once?
PRAXAGORA You shall. And next I’ll make a thorough sweep of all The flaunting harlots.
BLEPYRUS Why?
PRAXAGORA That these free ladies May have the firstling manhood of our youths. Those servile hussies shall no longer poach Upon the true-love manors of the free. No, let them herd with slaves, and lie with slaves, In servile fashion, snipped and trimmed to match.
BLEPYRUS Lead on, my lass. I’ll follow close behind; That men may point and whisper as I pass, There goes the husband of our chieftainess.
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