DICAEOPOLIS
These are the boundaries of my marketplace; And here may all the Peloponnesian folk, Megarians and Boeotians, freely trade Selling to me, but Lamachus may not. And these three thongs, of Leprous make, I set As market-clerks, elected by the lot. Within these bounds may no informer come,
DICAEOPOLIS Or any other syco-Phasian man. But I’ll go fetch the Treaty-Pillar here, And set it up in some conspicuous place.
MEGARIAN Guid day, Athanian market, Megara’s luve! By Frien’ly Zeus, I’ve miss’t ye like my mither. But ye, puir bairnies o’ a waefu’ father, Speel up, ye’ll aiblins fin’ a barley-bannock. Now listen, bairns; atten’ wi’ a’ yere painch; Whilk wad ye liefer, to be sellt or clemmed?
GIRLS Liefer be sellt! Liefer be sellt!
MEGARIAN An’ sae say I mysel’! But wha sae doited As to gie aught for you, a sicker skaith? Aweel, I ken a pawkie Megara-trick, I’se busk ye up, an’ say I’m bringin’ piggies. Here, slip these wee bit clooties on yere nieves, An’ shaw yeresells a decent grumphie’s weans. For gin’ I tak’ ye hame unsellt, by Hairmes Ye’ll thole the warst extremities o’ clemmin’. Ne’est, pit thir lang pig-snowties owre yere nebs, An’ stech yere bodies in this sackie. Sae. An’ min’ ye grunt an’ grane an’ g-r-r awa’, An’ mak’ the skirls o’ little Mystery piggies Mysel’ will ca’ for Dicaeopolis. Hae! Dicaeopolis! Are ye for buyin’ onie pigs the day?
DICAEOPOLIS How now, Megarian?
MEGARIAN Come to niffer, guidman,
DICAEOPOLIS How fare ye all?
MEGARIAN A’ greetin’ by the fire.
DICAEOPOLIS And very jolly too if there’s a piper. What do your people do besides?
MEGARIAN Sae sae. For when I cam’ frae Megara toun the morn, Our Lairds o’ Council were in gran’ debate How we might quickliest perish, but an’ ben.
DICAEOPOLIS So ye’ll lose all your troubles.
MEGARIAN What for no?
DICAEOPOLIS What else at Megara? What’s the price of wheat?
MEGARIAN Och! high eneugh: high as the Gudes, an’ higher.
DICAEOPOLIS Got any salt?
MEGARIAN Ye’re maisters o’ our saut.
DICAEOPOLIS Or garlic?
MEGARIAN Garlic, quotha! when yeresells, Makin’ yere raids like onie swarm o’ mice, Howkit up a’ the rooties wi’ a stak’,
DICAEOPOLIS What have you got then?
MEGARIAN Mystery piggies, I.
DICAEOPOLIS That’s good; let’s see them.
MEGARIAN Hae! They’re bonnie piggies. Lift it, an’t please you; ’tis sae sleek an’ bonnie.
DICAEOPOLIS What on earth’s this?
MEGARIAN A piggie that, by Zeus.
DICAEOPOLIS A pig! What sort of pig?
MEGARIAN A Megara piggie. What! no a piggie that?
DICAEOPOLIS It doesn’t seem so.
MEGARIAN ’Tis awfu’! Och the disbelievin’ carle! Uphaudin’ she’s na piggie! Will ye wad, My cantie frien’, a pinch o’ thymy saut She’s no a piggie in the Hellanian use?
DICAEOPOLIS A human being’s—
MEGARIAN Weel, by Diocles, She’s mine; wha’s piggie did ye think she was? Mon? wad ye hear them skirlin’?
DICAEOPOLIS By the Powers, I would indeed.
MEGARIAN Now piggies, skirl awa’. Ye winna? winna skirl, ye graceless hizzies? By Hairmes then I’se tak’ ye hame again.
GIRLS Wee! wee! wee!
MEGARIAN This no a piggie? a Faith, it seems so now, But ’twont remain so for five years I’m thinking.
MEGARIAN Trowth, tak’ my word for’t, she’ll be like her mither.
DICAEOPOLIS But she’s no good for offerings.
MEGARIAN What for no? What for nae guid for offerins?
DICAEOPOLIS She’s no tail.
MEGARIAN Aweel, the puir wee thing, she’s owre young yet. But ah! she’s auld, she’ll have a gaweie tail.
MEGARIAN But wad ye rear them, here’s a bonnie piggie!
DICAEOPOLIS Why she’s the staring image of the other.
MEGARIAN ’They’re o’ ane father an’ ane mither, baith. But bide a wee, an’ when she’s fat an’ curlie She’ll be an offerin’ gran’ for Aphrodite.
DICAEOPOLIS A pig’s no sacrifice for Aphrodite.
MEGARIAN What, no for Her! Mon, for hirsel’ the lane. Why there’s nae flesh sae tastie as the flesh O’ thae sma piggies, roastit on a spit.
DICAEOPOLIS But can they feed without their mother yet?
MEGARIAN Poteidan, yes! withouten father too.
DICAEOPOLIS What will they eat most freely?
MEGARIAN Aught ye gie them. But spier yoursel’.
DICAEOPOLIS Hey, piggy, piggy!
FIRST GIRL Wee!
DICAEOPOLIS Do you like pease, you piggy?
FIRST GIRL Wee, wee, wee!
DICAEOPOLIS What, and Phibalean figs as well?
FIRST GIRL Wee, wee!
DICAEOPOLIS What, and you other piggy?
SECOND GIRL Wee, wee, wee!
DICAEOPOLIS Eh, but ye’re squealing bravely for the figs. Bring out some figs here, one of you within, For these small piggies. Will they eat them? Yah! Worshipful Heracles! how they are gobbling now. Whence come the pigs? They seem to me Aetallian.
MEGARIAN Na, na; they haena eaten a’ thae figs. See here; here’s ane I pickit up mysel’.
DICAEOPOLIS Upon my word, they are jolly little beasts. What shall I give you for the pair? let’s hear.
MEGARIAN Gie me for ane a tie o’ garlic, will ye, An’ for the tither half a peck o’ saut.
DICAEOPOLIS I’ll buy them: stay you here awhile.
MEGARIAN Aye, aye. Traffickin’ Hairmes, wad that I could swap Baith wife an’ mither on sic terms as thae.
INFORMER Man! who are you?
MEGARIAN Ane Megara piggie-seller.
INFORMER Then I’ll denounce your goods and you yourself As enemies!
MEGARIAN Hech, here it comes again, The vera primal source of a’ our wae.
INFORMER You’ll Megarize to your cost. Let go the sack.
MEGARIAN Dicaeopolis! Dicaeopolis! Here’s a chiel Denouncin’ me.
DICAEOPOLIS (Re-entering) Where is he? Market-clerks, Why don’t you keep these sycophants away? What! show him up without a lantern-wick?
INFORMER Not show our enemies up?
DICAEOPOLIS You had better not. Get out, and do your showing other-where.
MEGARIAN The pest thae birkies are in Athans toun!
DICAEOPOLIS Well never mind, Megarian, take the things, Garlic and salt, for which you sold the pigs. Fare well!
MEGARIAN That’s na our way in Megara toun.
DICAEOPOLIS Then on my head the officious wish return!
MEGARIAN O piggies, try withouten father now To eat wi’ saut yere bannock, an’ ye git ane.
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