Τυχιάδης ταῦτα μὲν καὶ αὐτὸς ἐπίσταμαι· οὔπω γε μὴν δοκῶ μοι γιγνώσκειν, πῶς δὴ τὼ ἄνδρε τῷ Ἀγαμέμνονι παράσιτοι ἦσαν.
Σίμων ἀναμνήσθητι, ὦ γενναῖε, τῶν ἐπῶν ἐκείνων ὧνπερ αὐτὸς ὁ Ἀγαμέμνων πρὸς τὸν Ἰδομενέα λέγει.
Τυχιάδης ποίων;
Σίμων σὸν δὲ πλεῖον δέπας αἰεὶ / ἕστηχʼ ὥσπερ ἐμοὶ πιέειν ὅτε θυμὸς ἀνώγοι. / ἐνταῦθα γὰρ τὸ αἰεὶ πλεῖον δέπας εἴρηκεν οὐχ ὅτι τὸ ποτήριον διὰ παντὸς πλῆρες ἑστήκει τῷ Ἰδομενεῖ καὶ μαχομένῳ καὶ καθεύδοντι, ἀλλʼ ὅτι αὐτῷ διʼ ὅλου τοῦ βίου μόνῳ συνδειπνεῖν ὑπῆρχεν τῷ βασιλεῖ, οὐχ ὥσπερ τοῖς λοιποῖς στρατιώταις πρὸς ἡμέρας τινὰς καλουμένοις.
τὸν μὲν γὰρ Αἴαντα, ἐπεὶ καλῶς ἐμονομάχησεν τῷ Ἕκτορι, εἰς Ἀγαμέμνονα δῖον ἄγον, φησίν, κατὰ τιμὴν ἀξιωθέντα ὀψὲ τοῦ παρὰ τῷ βασιλεῖ δείπνου. ὁ δὲ Ἰδομενεὺς καὶ ὁ Νέστωρ ὁσημέραι συνεδείπνουν τῷ βασιλεῖ, ὡς αὐτός φησιν. Νέστωρ δὲ παράσιτός μοι δοκεῖ τῶν βασιλέων μάλιστα τεχνίτης καὶ ἀγαθὸς γενέσθαι· οὐ γὰρ ἐπὶ τοῦ Ἀγαμέμνονος ἄρξασθαι τῆς τέχνης, ἀλλὰ ἄνωθεν ἐπὶ Καινέως καὶ Ἐξαδίου· δοκεῖ δὲ οὐδὲ ἂν παύσασθαι παρασιτῶν, εἰ μὴ ὁ Ἀγαμέμνων ἀπέθανεν.
Τυχιάδης οὑτοσὶ μὲν γενναῖος ὁ παράσιτος. εἰ δὲ καὶ ἄλλους τινὰς οἶσθα, πειρῶ λέγειν.
Σίμων τί οὖν, ὦ Τυχιάδη, οὐχὶ καὶ Πάτροκλος τοῦ Ἀχιλλέως παράσιτος ἦν, καὶ ταῦτα οὐδενὸς τῶν ἄλλων Ἑλλήνων φαυλότερος οὔτε τὴν ψυχὴν οὔτε τὸ σῶμα νεανίας ὤν; ἐγὼ γὰρ οὐδʼ αὐτοῦ μοι δοκῶ τοῦ Ἀχιλλέως τεκμαίρεσθαι τοῖς ἔργοις αὐτοῦ χείρω εἶναι· τόν τε γὰρ Ἕκτορα ῥήξαντα τὰς πύλας καὶ παρὰ ταῖς ναυσὶν εἴσω μαχόμενον οὗτος ἐξέωσεν καὶ τὴν Πρωτεσιλάου ναῦν ἤδη καιομένην ἔσβεσεν, καίτοι ἐπεβάτευον αὐτῆς οὐχ οἱ φαυλότατοι, ἀλλʼ οἱ τοῦ Τελαμῶνος Αἴας τε καὶ Τεῦκρος,ὁ μὲν ὁπλίτης ἀγαθός,ὁ δὲ τοξότης. καὶ πολλοὺς μὲν ἀπέκτεινε τῶν βαρβάρων, ἐν δὲ δὴ τούτοις καὶ Σαρπηδόνα τὸν παῖδα τοῦ Διός, ὁ παράσιτος τοῦ Ἀχιλλέως. καὶ ἀπέθανεν δὲ οὐχὶ τοῖς ἄλλοις ὁμοίως, ἀλλὰ τὸν μὲν Ἕκτορα Ἀχιλλεὺς ἀπέκτεινεν, εἷς ἕνα, καὶ αὐτὸν τὸν Ἀχιλλέα Πάρις, τὸν δὲ παράσιτον θεὸς καὶ δύο ἄνθρωποι. καὶ τελευτῶν δὲ φωνὰς ἀφῆκεν οὐχ οἵαςὁ γενναιότατος Ἕκτωρ καὶ προσπίπτων τὸν Ἀχιλλέα καὶ ἱκετεύων ὅπωςὁ νεκρὸς αὐτοῦ τοῖς οἰκείοις ἀποδοθῇ, ἀλλʼ οἵας εἰκὸς ἀφεῖναι παράσιτον. τίνας δὴ ταύτας; τοιοῦτοι δʼ εἴπερ μοι ἐείκοσιν ἀντεβόλησαν, πάντες κʼ αὐτόθʼ ὄλοντο ἐμῷ ὑπὸ δουρὶ δαμέντες.
TYCHIADES How do they go?
SIMON For thee the cup stands ever full, Even as for me, whene’er it lists thee drink.
When he speaks of the cup ever full, he means not that it is perpetually ready (when Idomeneus is fighting or sleeping, for instance), but that he has had the peculiar privilege all through his life of sharing the King’s table without that special invitation which is necessary for his other followers. Ajax, after a glorious single combat with Hector, ‘they brought to lordly Agamemnon,’ we are told; he, you see, is admitted to the royal table (and high time too) as an honour; whereas Idomeneus and Nestor were the King’s regular table companions; at least that is my idea. Nestor I take to have been an exceedingly good and skilful sponger on royalty; Agamemnon was not his first patron; he had served his apprenticeship under Caeneus and Exadius. And but for Agamemnon’s death I imagine he would never have relinquished the profession.
TYCHIADES Yes, that was a first-class sponger. Can you give me any more?
SIMON Why, Tychiades, what else was Patroclus’s relation to Achilles? and he was as fine a fellow, all round, as any Greek of them all. Judging by his actions, I cannot make out that he was inferior to Achilles himself. When Hector had forced the gates and was fighting inside by the ships, it was Patroclus who repelled him and extinguished the flames which had got a hold on Protesilaus’s ship; yet one would not have said the people aboard her were inefficient—Ajax and Teucer they were, one as good in the melee as the other with his bow. A great number of the barbarians, including Sarpedon the son of Zeus, fell to this sponger. His own death was no common one. It took only one man, Achilles, to slay Hector; Paris was enough for Achilles himself; but two men and a God went to the killing of the sponger. And his last words bore no resemblance to those of the mighty Hector, who prostrated himself before Achilles and besought him to let his relations have his body; no, they were such as might be expected from one of his profession. Here they are:—
But of thy like I would have faced a score, And all the score my spear had given to death.
Τυχιάδης ταῦτα μὲν ἱκανῶς· ὅτι δὲ μὴ φίλος ἀλλὰ παράσιτος ἦν ὁ Πάτροκλος τοῦ Ἀχιλλέως πειρῶ λέγειν.
Σίμων αὐτόν, ὦ Τυχιάδη, τὸν Πάτροκλον ὅτι παράσιτος ἦν λέγοντά σοι παρέξομαι.
Τυχιάδης θαυμαστὰ λέγεις.
Σίμων ἄκουε τοίνυν αὐτῶν τῶν ἐπῶν· μὴ ἐμὰ σῶν ἀπάνευθε τιθήμεναι ὀστέʼ, Ἀχιλλεῦ, / ἀλλʼ ὁμοῦ, ὡς ἐτράφην περ ἐν ὑμετέροισι δόμοισι. / καὶ πάλιν ὑποβάς, καὶ νῦν με δεξάμενος, φησίν, ὁ Πηλεὺς ἔτρεφεν ἐνδυκέως καὶ σὸν θεράποντʼ ὀνόμηνε. τουτέστι παράσιτον εἶχεν. εἰ μὲν τοίνυν φίλον ἐβούλετο τὸν Πάτροκλον λέγειν, οὐκ ἂν αὐτὸν ὠνόμαζεν θεράποντα· ἐλεύθερος γὰρ ἦν ὁ Πάτροκλος. τίνας τοίνυν λέγει τοὺς θεράποντα· εἰ μήτε τοὺς δούλους μήτε τοὺς φίλους; τοὺς παρασίτους δῆλον ὅτι· ᾗ καὶ τὸν Μηριόνην τοῦ Ἰδομενέως καὶ αὐτὸν θεράποντα ὀνομάζει.
Σκόπει δὲ ὅτι καὶ ἐνταῦθα τὸν μὲν Ἰδομενέα Διὸς ὄντα υἱὸν οὐκ ἀξιοῖ λέγειν ἀτάλαντον Ἄρηϊ, Μηριόνην δὲ τὸν παράσιτον αὐτοῦ.
Σίμων τί δέ; οὐχὶ καὶ Ἀριστογείτων, δημοτικὸς ὢν καὶ πένης, ὥσπερ Θουκυδίδης φησί, παράσιτος ἦν Ἁρμοδίου; τί δέ; οὐχὶ καὶ ἐραστής; ἐπιεικῶς γὰρ οἱ παράσιτοι καὶ ἐρασταὶ τῶν τρεφόντων εἰσίν. οὗτος τοίνυν πάλιν ὁ παράσιτος τὴν Ἀθηναίων πόλιν τυραννουμένην εἰς ἐλευθερίαν ἀφείλετο, καὶ νῦν ἕστηκε χαλκοῦς ἐν τῇ ἀγορᾷ μετὰ τῶν παιδικῶν.
οὗτοι μὲν δή, τοιοίδε ὄντες, μάλα ἀγαθοὶ παράσιτοι ἦσαν.
Σίμων σὺ δὲ δὴ ποῖόν τινα εἰκάζεις ἐν πολέμῳ τὸν παράσιτον; οὐχὶ πρῶτον μὲν ὁ τοιοῦτος ἀριστοποιησάμενος ἔξεισιν ἐπὶ τὴν παράταξιν, καθάπερ καὶ ὁ Ὀδυσσεὺς ἀξιοῖ; οὐ γὰρ ἄλλως ἐν πολέμῳ μάχεσθαι, φησίν, ἔστιν, εἰ καὶ εὐθὺς ἅμα ἕῳ μάχεσθαι δέοι. καὶ ὃν ἄλλοι στρατιῶται χρόνον ὑπὸ δέους ὁ μέν τις ἀκριβῶς ἁρμόζει τὸ κράνος, ὁ δὲ θωράκιον ἐνδύεται, ὁ δὲ αὐτὸ τὸ δεινὸν ὑποπτεύων τοῦ πολέμου τρέμει, οὗτος δὲ ἐσθίει τότε μάλα φαιδρῷ τῷ προσώπῳ καὶ μετὰ τὴν ἔξοδον εὐθὺς ἐν πρώτοις διαγωνίζεται· ὁ δὲ τρέφων αὐτὸν ὄπισθεν ὑποτέτακται τῷ παρασίτῳ, κἀκεῖνος αὐτὸν ὥσπερ ὁ Αἴας τὸν Τεῦκρον ὑπὸ τῷ σάκει καλύπτει, καὶ τῶν βελῶν ἀφιεμένων γυμνώσας ἑαυτὸν τοῦτον σκέπει· βούλεται γὰρ ἐκεῖνον μᾶλλον σώζειν ἢ ἑαυτόν.
TYCHIADES Yes, you have proved him a good man; but can you show him to have been not Achilles’s friend, but a sponger?
SIMON I will produce you his own statement to that effect.
TYCHIADES What a miracle-worker you are!
SIMON Listen to the lines, then:
Achilles, lay my bones not far from thine; Thou and thine fed me; let me lie by thee.
And a little further on he says:
Peleus me received, And nurtured gently, and thy henchman named,
that is, gave him the right of sponging; if he had meant to allude to Patroclus as his son’s friend, he would not have used the word henchman; for he was a free man. What is a henchman, slaves and friends being excluded? Why, obviously a sponger. Accordingly Homer uses the same word of Meriones’s relation to Idomeneus. And by the way it is not Idomeneus, though he was son of Zeus, that he describes as ‘peer of Ares’; it is the sponger Meriones.
Again, did not Aristogiton, poor and of mean extraction, as Thucydides describes him, sponge on Harmodius? He was also, of course, in love with him—a quite natural relation between the two classes. This sponger it was, then, who delivered Athens from tyranny, and now adorns the marketplace in bronze, side by side with the object of his passion. And now I have given you an example or two of the profession.
But what sort of a guess do you make at the sponger’s behaviour in war? In the first place, he will fight on a full belly, as Odysseus advises. You must feed the man who is to fight, he says, however early in the morning it may happen to be. The time that others spend in fitting on helmet or breastplate with nervous care, or in anticipating the horrors of battle, he will devote to putting away his food with a cheerful countenance, and as soon as business begins you will find him in front. His patron will take his place behind him, sheltering under his shield as Teucer under Ajax’s; when missiles begin to fly the sponger will expose himself for his patron, whose safety he values more than his own.
Should he fall in battle, neither officer nor comrade need feel ashamed of that great body, which now reclines as appropriate an ornament of the battle-field as it once was of the dining-room. A pretty sight is a philosopher’s body by its side, withered, squalid, and bearded; he was dead before the fight began, poor weakling. Who would not despise the city whose guards are such miserable creatures? Who would not suppose, seeing these pallid, hairy manikins scattered on the ground, that it had none to fight for it, and so had turned out its gaol-birds to fill the ranks? That is how the spongers differ from the rhetoricians and philosophers in war.
Then in peace time, sponging seems to me as much better than philosophy as peace itself than war. Be kind enough to glance first at the scenes of peace.
TYCHIADES I do not quite know what they are; but let us glance at them, by all means.
Σίμων εἰ δὲ δὴ καὶ πέσοι παράσιτος ἐν πολέμῳ, οὐκ ἂν ἐπʼ αὐτῷ δήπου οὔτε λοχαγὸς οὔτε στρατιώτης αἰσχυνθείη μεγάλῳ τε ὄντι νεκρῷ καὶ ὥσπερ ἐν συμποσίῳ καλῷ καλῶς κατακειμένῳ. ὡς ἄξιόν γε φιλοσόφου νεκρὸν ἰδεῖν τούτῳ παρακείμενον, ξηρόν, ῥυπῶντα, μακρὸν πωγώνιον ἔχοντα, προτεθνηκότα τῆς μάχης, ἀσθενῆ ἄνθρωπον. τίς οὐκ ἂν καταφρονήσειε ταύτης τῆς πόλεως τοὺς ὑπασπιστὰς αὐτῆς οὕτως κακοδαίμονας ὁρῶν; τίς δὲ οὐκ ἂν εἰκάσαι, χλωροὺς καὶ κομήτας ὁρῶν ἀνθρωπίσκους κειμένους, τὴν πόλιν ἀποροῦσαν συμμάχων τοὺς ἐν τῇ εἱρκτῇ κακούργους ἐπιλῦσαι τῷ πολέμῳ;
τοιοῦτοι μὲν ἐν πολέμῳ πρὸς ῥήτορας καὶ φιλοσόφους εἰσὶν οἱ παράσιτοι.
Σίμων ἐν εἰρήνῃ δὲ τοσούτῳ μοι δοκεῖ διαφέρειν παρασιτικὴ φιλοσοφίας ὅσον αὐτὴ ἡ εἰρήνη πολέμου.
καὶ πρῶτον, εἰ δοκεῖ, σκοπῶμεν τὰ τῆς εἰρήνης χωρία.
Τυχιάδης οὔπω συνίημι ὅ τι τοῦτό πως βούλεται, σκοπῶμεν δὲ ὅμως.
Σίμων οὐκοῦν ἀγορὰν καὶ δικαστήρια καὶ παλαίστρας καὶ γυμνάσια καὶ κυνηγέσια καὶ συμπόσια ἔγωγε φαίην ἂν πόλεως χωρία.
Τυχιάδης πάνυ μὲν οὖν.
Σίμων ὁ τοίνυν παράσιτος εἰς ἀγορὰν μὲν καὶ δικαστήρια οὐ πάρεισιν, ὅτι, οἶμαι, τοῖς συκοφάνταις πάντα τὰ χωρία ταῦτα μᾶλλον προσήκει καὶ ὅτι οὐδὲν μέτριόν ἐστιν τῶν ἐν τούτοις γιγνομένων, τὰς δὲ παλαίστρας καὶ τὰ γυμνάσια καὶ τὰ συμπόσια διώκει καὶ κοσμεῖ μόνος οὗτος. ἐπεὶ τίς ἐν παλαίστρᾳ φιλόσοφος ἢ ῥήτωρ ἀποδὺς ἄξιος συγκριθῆναι παρασίτου τῷ σώματι; ἢ τίς ἐν γυμνασίῳ τούτων ὀφθεὶς οὐκ αἰσχύνη μᾶλλον τοῦ χωρίου ἐστί; καὶ μὴν ἐν ἐρημίᾳ τούτων οὐδεὶς ἂν ὑποσταίη θηρίον ὁμόσε ἰόν, ὁ δὲ παράσιτος αὐτά τε ἐπιόντα μένει καὶ δέχεται ῥᾳδίως, μεμελετηκὼς αὐτῶν ἐν τοῖς δείπνοις καταφρονεῖν, καὶ οὔτε ἔλαφος οὔτε σῦς αὐτὸν ἐκπλήττει πεφρικώς, ἀλλὰ κἂν ἐπʼ αὐτὸν ὁ σῦς τὸν ὀδόντα θήγῃ, καὶ ὁ παράσιτος ἐπὶ τὸν σῦν ἀντιθήγει. τοὺς μὲν γὰρ λαγὼς διώκει μᾶλλον τῶν κυνῶν. ἐν δὲ δὴ συμποσίῳ τίς ἂν καὶ ἁμιλλήσαιτο παρασίτῳ ἤτοι παίζοντι ἢ ἐσθίοντι; τίς δʼ ἂν μᾶλλον εὐφράναι τοὺς συμπότας; πότερόν ποτε οὗτος ᾄδων καὶ σκώπτων, ἢ ἄνθρωπος μὴ γελῶν, ἐν τριβωνίῳ κείμενος, εἰς τὴν γῆν ὁρῶν, ὥσπερ ἐπὶ πένθος οὐχὶ συμπόσιον ἥκων; καὶ ἔμοιγε δοκεῖ, ἐν συμποσίῳ φιλόσοφος τοιοῦτόν ἐστιν οἷον ἐν βαλανείῳ κύων.
SIMON Well, you will let me describe as civil scenes the market, the courts, the wrestling-schools and gymnasia, the hunting field and the dining-room?
TYCHIADES Certainly.
SIMON To market and courts the sponger gives a wide berth they are the haunts of chicanery; there is no satisfaction to be got out of them. But at wrestling-school and gymnasium he is in his element; he is their chief glory. Show me a philosopher or orator who is in the same class with him when he strips in the wrestling- school; look at them in the gymnasium; they shame instead of adorning it. And in a lonely place none of them would face the onset of a wild beast; the sponger will, though, and find no difficulty in disposing of it; his table familiarity with it has bred contempt. A stag or a wild boar may put up its bristles; he will not mind; the boar may whet its tusks against him; he only returns the compliment. As for hares, he is more deadly to them than a greyhound. And then in the dining-room, where is his match, to jest or to eat? Who will contribute most to entertainment, he with his song and his joke, or a person who has not a laugh in him, sits in a threadbare cloak, and keeps his eyes on the ground as if he was at a funeral and not a dinner? If you ask me, I think a philosopher has about as much business in a dining-room as a bull in a china-shop.
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