Σίμων ὅ γε μὴν Ἐπίκουρος σφόδρα ἀναισχύντως ὑφελόμενος τὸ τῆς παρασιτικῆς τέλος τῆς καθʼ αὑτὸν εὐδαιμονίας τέλος αὐτὸ ποιεῖ. καὶ ὅτι κλοπὴ τὸ πρᾶγμά ἐστιν καὶ οὐδὲν Ἐπικούρῳ μέλει τὸ ἡδύ, ἀλλὰ τῷ παρασίτῳ, οὕτω μάθοις ἄν. ἔγωγε ἡγοῦμαι τὸ ἡδὺ πρῶτον μὲν τὸ τῆς σαρκὸς ἀόχλητον, ἔπειτα τὸ μὴ θορύβου καὶ ταραχῆς τὴν ψυχὴν ἐμπεπλῆσθαι. τούτων τοίνυν ὁ μὲν παράσιτος ἑκατέρων τυγχάνει, ὁ δὲ Ἐπίκουρος οὐδὲ θατέρου· ὁ γὰρ ζητῶν περὶ σχήματος γῆς καὶ κόσμων ἀπειρίας καὶ μεγέθους ἡλίου καὶ ἀποστημάτων καὶ πρώτων στοιχείων καὶ περὶ θεῶν, εἴτε εἰσὶν εἴτε οὐκ εἰσί, καὶ περὶ αὐτοῦ τοῦ τέλους ἀεὶ πολεμῶν καὶ διαφερόμενος πρός τινας οὐ μόνον ἐν ἀνθρωπίναις, ἀλλὰ καὶ ἐν κοσμικαῖς ἐστιν ὀχλήσεσιν. ὁ δὲ παράσιτος πάντα καλῶς ἔχειν οἰόμενος καὶ πεπιστευκὼς μὴ ἄλλως ταῦτα ἔχειν ἄμεινον ἢ ἔχει, μετὰ πολλῆς ἀδείας καὶ γαλήνης, οὐδενὸς αὐτῷ τοιούτου παρενοχλοῦντος, ἐσθίει καὶ κοιμᾶται ὕπτιος ἀφεικὼς τοὺς πόδας καὶ τὰς χεῖρας ὥσπερ Ὀδυσσεὺς τῆς Σχερίας ἀποπλέων οἴκαδε.
It was a remarkable piece of impudence on Epicurus’s part to appropriate the end that belongs to sponging for his system of Happiness. That it was a bit of larceny—Epicurus having nothing, and the sponger much, to do with Pleasure—I will soon show you. I take it that Pleasure means, first, bodily tranquillity, and secondly, an untroubled soul. Well, the sponger attains both, Epicurus neither. A man who is busy inquiring into the earth’s shape, the infinity of worlds, the sun’s size, astronomic distances, the elements, the existence or non-existence of Gods, and who is engaged in incessant controversies about the end—he is a prey not merely to human, but to cosmic perturbations. Whereas the sponger, convinced that all is for the best in the best of all possible worlds, living secure and calm with no such perplexities to trouble him, eats and sleeps and lies on his back, letting his hands and feet look after themselves, like Odysseus on his passage home from Scheria.
But here is an independent refutation of Epicurus’s pretensions to Pleasure. Our Epicurus, whoever his Wisdom may be, either is, or is not, supplied with victuals. If he is not, so far from having a pleasurable life, he will have no life at all. If he is, does he get them out of his own means, or from some one else? If the latter, he is a sponger, and not what he says he is; if the former, he will not have a pleasurable life.
TYCHIADES How so?
Σίμων καὶ μὴν οὐχὶ κατὰ ταῦτα μόνον οὐδὲν προσήκει τὸ ἡδὺ τῷ Ἐπικούρῳ, ἀλλὰ καὶ κατʼ ἐκεῖνα· ὁ γὰρ Ἐπίκουρος οὗτος, ὅστις ποτέ ἐστιν ὁ σοφός, ἤτοι φαγεῖν ἔχει ἢ οὔ· εἰ μὲν οὐκ ἔχει, οὐχ ὅπως ἡδέως ζήσεται, ἀλλʼ οὐδὲ ζήσεται· εἰ δὲ ἔχει, εἴτε παρʼ ἑαυτοῦ εἴτε παρʼ ἄλλου· εἰ μὲν οὖν παρʼ ἄλλου τὸ φαγεῖν ἔχοι, παράσιτός ἐστι καὶ οὐχ ὃς λέγει· εἰ δὲ παρʼ ἑαυτοῦ, οὐχ ἡδέως ζήσεται.
Τυχιάδης πῶς οὐχ ἡδέως;
Σίμων εἰ γὰρ ἔχοι τὸ φαγεῖν παρʼ ἑαυτοῦ, πολλά τοι, ὦ Τυχιάδη, τὰ ἀηδέα τῷ τοιούτῳ βίῳ παρακολουθεῖν ἀνάγκη· καὶ ἄθρει πόσα. δεῖ τὸν μέλλοντα βιώσεσθαι καθʼ ἡδονὴν τὰς ἐγγιγνομένας ὀρέξεις ἁπάσας ἀναπληροῦν. ἢ τί φής;
Τυχιάδης κἀμοὶ δοκεῖ.
Σίμων οὐκοῦν τῷ μὲν συχνὰ κεκτημένῳ ἴσως τοῦτο παρέχει, τῷ δὲ ὀλίγα καὶ μηδὲν οὐκέτι· ὥστε πένης οὐκ ἂν σοφὸς γένοιτο οὐδὲ ἐφίκοιτο τοῦ τέλους, λέγω δὴ τοῦ ἡδέος. ἀλλʼ οὐδὲ μὴν ὁ πλούσιος, ὁ παρὰ τῆς οὐσίας ἀφθόνως ταῖς ἐπιθυμίαις χορηγῶν, δυνήσεται τοῦδε ἐφικέσθαι. τί δή ποτε; ὅτι πᾶσα ἀνάγκη τὸν ἀναλίσκοντα τὰ ἑαυτοῦ πολλαῖς περιπίπτειν ἀηδίαις, τοῦτο μὲν τῷ μαγείρῳ κακῶς σκευάσαντι τὸ ὄψον μαχόμενον ἢ εἰ μὴ μάχοιτο φαῦλα παρὰ τοῦτο ἐσθίοντα τὰ ὄψα καὶ τοῦ ἡδέος ὑστεροῦντα, τοῦτο δὲ τῷ οἰκονομοῦντι τὰ κατὰ τὴν οἰκίαν, εἰ μὴ καλῶς οἰκονομοίη, μαχόμενον. ἢ οὐχ οὕτως;
Τυχιάδης νὴ Δία, κἀμοὶ δοκεῖ.
Σίμων τῷ μὲν οὖν Ἐπικούρῳ πάντα συμβαίνειν εἰκός, ὥστε οὐδέποτε τεύξεται τοῦ τέλους· τῷ δὲ παρασίτῳ οὔτε μάγειρός ἐστιν ᾧ χαλεπήναι, οὔτε ἀγρὸς οὔτε οἶκος οὔτε ἀργύρια, ὑπὲρ ὧν ἀπολλυμένων ἀχθεσθείη, ὥστε καὶ φάγοι καὶ πίοι μόνος οὗτος ὑπὸ μηδενός, ὧν ἐκείνους ἀνάγκη, ἐνοχλούμενος.
SIMON Why, if his food is provided out of his own means, that way of life has many consequences; reckon them up. You will admit that, if the principle of your life is to be pleasure, all your appetites have to be satisfied?
TYCHIADES I agree.
SIMON Well, a large income may possibly meet that requirement, a scanty one certainly not; consequently, a poor man cannot be a philosopher, or in other words attain the end, which is Pleasure. But neither will the rich, who lavishes his substance on his desires, attain it. And why? Because spending has many worries inseparably attached to it; your cook disappoints you, and you must either have strained relations with him, or else purchase peace and quiet by feeding badly and missing your pleasure. Then similar difficulties attend your steward’s management of the house. You must admit all this.
TYCHIADES Oh, certainly, I agree.
SIMON In fact, something or other is sure to happen and cut off Epicurus from his end. Now the sponger has no cook to be angry with, no farm, steward or money to be annoyed at the loss of; at the same time he lives on the fat of the land, and is the one person who can eat and drink without the worries from which others cannot escape.
Σίμων ἀλλʼ ὅτι μὲν τέχνη ἐστὶν ἡ παρασιτική, κἀκ τούτων καὶ τῶν ἄλλων ἱκανῶς δέδεικται. λοιπὸν ὅτι καὶ ἀρίστη δεικτέον, καὶ τοῦτο οὐχ ἁπλῶς, ἀλλὰ πρῶτον μέν, ὅτι κοινῇ πασῶν διαφέρει τῶν τεχνῶν, εἶτα ὅτι καὶ ἰδίᾳ ἑκάστης.
κοινῇ μὲν οὖν ἁπασῶν οὕτω διαφέρει· πάσης γὰρ τέχνης ἀνάγκη προάγειν μάθησιν πόνον φόβον πληγάς, ἅπερ οὐκ ἔστιν ὅστις οὐκ ἂν ἀπεύξαιτο· ταύτην δὲ τὴν τέχνην, ὡς ἔοικεν, μόνην ἔξεστι μαθεῖν ἄνευ πόνου. τίς γὰρ ἀπὸ δείπνου ποτὲ ἀπῆλθεν κλαίων, ὥσπερ τινὰς ἐκ τῶν διδασκάλων ὁρῶμεν, τίς δʼ ἐπὶ δεῖπνον ἀπιὼν ὤφθη σκυθρωπός, ὥσπερ οἱ εἰς διδασκαλεῖα φοιτῶντες; καὶ μὴν ὁ μὲν παράσιτος ἑκὼν αὐτὸς ἐπὶ δεῖπνον ἔρχεται μάλα ἐπιθυμῶν τῆς τέχνης, οἱ δὲ τὰς ἄλλας τέχνας μανθάνοντες μισοῦσιν αὐτάς, ὥστε ἔνιοι διʼ αὐτὰς ἀποδιδράσκουσι.
τί δέ, οὐ κἀκεῖνο ἐννοῆσαί σε δεῖ, ὅτι καὶ τοὺς ἐν ἐκείναις ταῖς τέχναις προκόπτοντας οἱ πατέρες καὶ μητέρες τούτοις τιμῶσι μάλιστα, οἷς καθʼ ἡμέραν καὶ τὸν παράσιτον, καλῶς νὴ Δία ἔγραψεν ὁ παῖς, λέγοντες, δότε αὐτῷ φαγεῖν οὐκ ἔγραψεν ὀρθῶς, μὴ δότε; οὕτω τὸ πρᾶγμα καὶ ἔντιμον καὶ ἐν τιμωρίᾳ μέγα φαίνεται.
Σίμων καὶ μὴν αἱ ἄλλαι τέχναι τὸ τέλος ὕστερον τοῦτο ἔχουσι, μετὰ τὸ μαθεῖν καὶ τοὺς καρποὺς ἡδέως ἀπολαμβάνουσαι· πολλὴ γὰρ καὶ ὄρθιος οἶμος ἐς αὐτάς· ἡ δὲ παρασιτικὴ μόνη τῶν ἄλλων εὐθὺς ἀπολαύει τῆς τέχνης ἐν αὐτῷ τῷ μανθάνειν, καὶ ἅμα τε ἄρχεται καὶ ἐν τῷ τέλει ἐστίν.
καὶ μέντοι τῶν ἄλλων τεχνῶν οὐ τινές, ἀλλὰ πᾶσαι ἐπὶ μόνην τὴν τροφὴν γεγόνασιν, ὁ δὲ παράσιτος εὐθὺς ἔχει τὴν τροφὴν ἅμα τῷ ἄρξασθαι τῆς τέχνης. ἢ οὐκ ἐννοεῖς ὅτι ὁ μὲν γεωργὸς γεωργεῖ οὐ τοῦ γεωργεῖν ἕνεκα καὶ ὁ τέκτων τεκταίνεται οὐχὶ τοῦ τεκταίνεσθαι ἕνεκα, ὁ δὲ παράσιτος οὐχ ἕτερον μέν τι διώκει, ἀλλὰ τὸ αὐτὸ καὶ ἔργον μὲν ἐστὶν αὐτοῦ καὶ οὗ ἕνεκα γίγνεται;
That sponging is an art, has now been abundantly proved; it remains to show its superiority; and this I shall take in two divisions: first, it has a general superiority to all the arts; and, secondly, it is superior to each of them separately. The general superiority is this: the arts have to be instilled by dint of toil, threats and blows—regrettable necessities, all of them; my own art, of which the acquisition costs no toil, is perhaps the only exception. Who ever came away from dinner in tears? with the schoolroom it is different; or who ever went out to dinner with the dismal expression characteristic of going to school? No, the sponger needs no pressing to get him to table; he is devoted to his profession; it is the other apprentices who hate theirs, to the point of running away, sometimes. And it is worth your notice that a parent’s usual reward for a child who makes progress in the ordinary arts is just the thing that the sponger gets regularly. The lad has done his writing well, they say; let him have something nice: what vile writing! let him go without. Oh, the mouth is very useful for reward and punishment.
Again, with the other arts the result comes only after the learning is done; their fruits alone are agreeable; ‘long and steep the road thereto.’ Sponging is once more an exception, in that profit and learning here go hand in hand; you grasp your end as soon as you begin. And whereas all other arts are practised solely for the sustenance they will ultimately bring, the sponger has his sustenance from the day he starts. You realize, of course, that the farmer’s object in farming is something else than farming, the carpenter’s something different from abstract carpentering; but the sponger has no ulterior object; occupation and pre-occupation are for him one and the same.
Σίμων καὶ μὴν ἐκεῖνά γε οὐδείς ἐστιν ὅστις οὐκ ἐπίσταται, ὅτι οἱ μὲν τὰς λοιπὰς τέχνας ἐργαζόμενοι τὸν μὲν ἄλλον χρόνον ταλαιπωροῦσι, μίαν δὲ ἢ δύο μόνας τοῦ μηνὸς ἡμέρας ἱερὰς ἄγουσι, καὶ εὐφραίνεσθαι λέγονται τότε· ὁ δὲ παράσιτος τοῦ μηνὸς τὰς τριάκονθʼ ἡμέρας ἱερὰς ἄγει· πᾶσαι γὰρ αὐτῷ δοκοῦσιν εἶναι τῶν θεῶν.
Σίμων ἔτι οἱ μὲν βουλόμενοι τὰς ἄλλας τέχνας κατορθοῦν ὀλιγοσιτίαις καὶ ὀλιγοποσίαις χρῶνται καθάπερ οἱ νοσοῦντες, πολυποσίαις δὲ καὶ πολυσιτίαις οὐκ ἔστιν εὐφραινόμενον μανθάνειν.
Σίμων καὶ αἱ μὲν ἄλλαι τέχναι χωρὶς ὀργάνων οὐδαμῶς τῷ κεκτημένῳ ὑπηρετεῖν δύνανται· οὔτε γὰρ αὐλεῖν ἔνι χωρὶς αὐλῶν οὔτε ψάλλειν ἄνευ λύρας οὔτε ἱππεύειν ἄνευ ἵππου· αὕτη δὲ οὕτως ἐστὶν ἀγαθὴ καὶ οὐ βαρεῖα τῷ τεχνίτῃ, ὥστε ὑπάρχει καὶ μηδὲν ἔχοντι ὅπλον χρῆσθαι αὐτῇ.
Σίμων καὶ ὡς ἔοικεν ἄλλας τέχνας μανθάνομεν μισθὸν διδόντες, ταύτην δὲ λαμβάνοντες. ἔτι τῶν μὲν ἄλλων τεχνῶν εἰσι διδάσκαλοί τινες,
Σίμων τῆς δὲ παρασιτικῆς οὐδείς, ἀλλʼ ὥσπερ ἡ ποιητικὴ κατὰ Σωκράτη καὶ αὕτη τινὶ θείᾳ μοίρᾳ παραγίγνεται.
Σίμων κἀκεῖνο δὲ σκόπει, ὅτι τὰς μὲν ἄλλας τέχνας ὁδεύοντες ἢ πλέοντες οὐ δυνάμεθα διαπράττεσθαι, ταύτῃ δέ ἐστι χρῆσθαι καὶ ἐν ὁδῷ καὶ πλέοντι.
Τυχιάδης πάνυ μὲν οὖν.
Σίμων καὶ μέντοι, ὦ Τυχιάδη, αἱ μὲν ἄλλαι τέχναι δοκοῦσί μοι ταύτης ἐπιθυμεῖν, αὕτη δὲ οὐδεμιᾶς ἑτέρας.
Τυχιάδης τί δέ, οὐχ οἱ τὰ ἀλλότρια λαμβάνοντες ἀδικεῖν σοι δοκοῦσι;
Σίμων πῶς γὰρ οὔ;
Τυχιάδης πῶς οὖν ὁ παράσιτος τὰ ἀλλότρια λαμβάνων οὐκ ἀδικεῖ μόνος;
Then it is no news to any one that other professions slave habitually, and get just one or two holidays a month; States keep some monthly and some yearly festivals; these are their times of enjoyment. But the sponger has thirty festivals a month; every day is a red-letter day with him.
Once more, success in the other arts presupposes a diet as abstemious as any invalid’s; eat and drink to your heart’s content, and you make no progress in your studies.
Other arts, again, are useless to their professor unless he has his plant; you cannot play the flute if you have not one to play; lyrical music requires a lyre, horsemanship a horse. But of ours one of the excellences and conveniences is that no instrument is required for its exercise.
Other arts we pay, this we are paid, to learn.
Further, while the rest have their teachers, no one teaches sponging; it is a gift from Heaven, as Socrates said of poetry.
Then do not forget that, while the others have to be suspended during a journey or a voyage, this may be in full swing under those circumstances too.
TYCHIADES No doubt about that.
SIMON Another point that strikes me is that other arts feel the need of this one, but not vice versa.
TYCHIADES Well, but is the appropriation of what belongs to others no offence?
SIMON Of course it is.
TYCHIADES Well, the sponger does that; why is he privileged to offend?
Σίμων οὐκ ἔχω λέγειν. καὶ μὴν τῶν ἄλλων τεχνῶν αἱ ἀρχαὶ φαῦλαί τινες καὶ εὐτελεῖς εἰσι, τῆς δὲ παρασιτικῆς ἀρχὴ πάνυ γενναία τις· τὸ γὰρ θρυλούμενον τοῦτο τῆς φιλίας ὄνομα οὐκ ἂν ἄλλο τι εὕροις ἢ ἀρχὴν παρασιτικῆς.
Τυχιάδης πῶς λέγεις;
Σίμων ὅτι οὐδεὶς ἐχθρὸν ἢ ἀγνῶτα ἄνθρωπον ἀλλʼ οὐδὲ συνήθη μετρίως ἐπὶ δεῖπνον καλεῖ, ἀλλὰ δεῖ πρότερον οἶμαι τοῦτον γενέσθαι φίλον, ἵνα κοινωνήσῃ σπονδῶν καὶ τραπέζης καὶ τῶν τῆς τέχνης ταύτης μυστηρίων. ἐγὼ γοῦν πολλάκις ἤκουσά τινων λεγόντων, ποταπὸς δὲ οὗτος φίλος ὅστις οὔτε βέβρωκεν οὔτε πέπωκεν μεθʼ ἡμῶν, δῆλον ὅτι τὸν συμπίνοντα καὶ συνεσθίοντα μόνον πιστὸν φίλον ἡγουμένων.
Σίμων ὅτι γε μὴν ἡ βασιλικωτάτη τῶν τεχνῶν ἔστιν αὕτη, μάθοις ἂν καὶ ἐκ τοῦδε οὐχ ἥκιστα· τὰς μὲν γὰρ λοιπὰς τέχνας οὐ μόνον κακοπαθοῦντες καὶ ἱδροῦντες, ἀλλὰ νὴ Δία καθήμενοι καὶ ἑστῶτες ἐργάζονται ὥσπερ ἀμέλει δοῦλοι τῶν τεχνῶν, ὁ δὲ παράσιτος μεταχειρίζεται τὴν αὑτοῦ τέχνην ὡς βασιλεὺς κατακείμενος.
Σίμων ἐκεῖνα μὲν γὰρ τί δεῖ λέγειν περὶ τῆς εὐδαιμονίας αὐτοῦ, ὅτι δὴ μόνος κατὰ τὸν σοφὸν Ὅμηρον οὔτε φυτεύει χερσὶ φυτὸν οὔτε ἀροῖ, ἀλλὰ τά γ' ἄσπαρτα καὶ ἀνήροτα πάντα νέμεται;
Σίμων καὶ μὴν ῥήτορά τε καὶ γεωμέτρην καὶ χαλκέα οὐδὲν κωλύει τὴν ἑαυτοῦ τέχνην ἐργάζεσθαι ἐάν τε πονηρὸς ἐάν τε καὶ μωρὸς ᾖ, παρασιτεῖν δὲ οὐδεὶς δύναται ἢ μωρὸς ὢν ἢ πονηρός.
Τυχιάδης παπαί, οἷον χρῆμα ἀποφαίνῃ τὴν παρασιτικήν· ὥστε καὶ αὐτὸς ἤδη βούλεσθαι δοκῶ μοι παράσιτος εἶναι ἀντὶ τούτου ὅς εἰμι.
Σίμων ὡς μὲν τοίνυν κοινῇ πασῶν διαφέρει, δεδεῖχθαί μοι δοκῶ. φέρε δὴ ὡς καὶ κατʼ ἰδίαν ἑκάστης διαφέρει σκοπῶμεν. τὸ μὲν δὴ ταῖς βαναύσοις τέχναις παραβάλλειν αὐτὴν ἀνόητόν ἐστιν, καὶ μᾶλλόν πως καθαιροῦντος τὸ ἀξίωμα τῆς τέχνης. ὅτι γε μὴν τῶν καλλίστων καὶ μεγίστων τεχνῶν διαφέρει δεικτέον. ὡμολόγηται δὴ πρὸς πάντων τήν τε ῥητορικὴν καὶ τὴν φιλοσοφίαν, ἃς διὰ γενναιότητα καὶ ἐπιστήμας ἀποφαίνονταί τινες, […] ἐπειδὰν καὶ τούτων ἀποδείξαιμι τὴν παρασιτικὴν πολὺ κρατοῦσαν, δῆλον ὅτι τῶν ἄλλων τεχνῶν δόξει προφερεστάτη καθάπερ ἡ Ναυσικάα τῶν θεραπαινίδων.
SIMON Ah, I know nothing about that. But now look here: you know how common and mean are the beginnings of the other arts; that of sponging, on the contrary, is noble. Friendship, that theme of the encomiast, is neither more nor less, you will find, than the beginning of sponging.
TYCHIADES How do you make that out?
SIMON Well, no one asks an enemy, a stranger, or even a mere acquaintance, to dinner; the man must be his friend before he will share bit and sup with him, and admit him to initiation in these sacred mysteries. I know I have often heard people say, Friend, indeed! by what right? he has never eaten or drunk with us. You see; only the man who has done that is a friend to be trusted.
Next take a sound proof, though not the only one, that it is the most royal of the arts: at the rest of them men have to work (not to mention toil and sweat) in the sitting or standing posture, which marks them for the absolute slaves of their art, whereas the sponger is free to recline like a king.
As to his happy condition, I need no more than allude to the wise Homer’s words; he it is, and he alone, that ‘planteth not, nor ploughs’; he ‘reapeth where he hath not ploughed nor sown.’
Again, while knavery and folly are no bar to rhetoric, mathematics, or copper-working, no knave or fool can get on as a sponger.
TYCHIADES Dear, dear, what an amazing profession! I am almost tempted to exchange my own for it.
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