Σίμων κοινῇ μὲν οὖν ἀμφοῖν διαφέρει καὶ τῆς ῥητορικῆς καὶ τῆς φιλοσοφίας, πρῶτον κατὰ τὴν ὑπόστασιν· ἡ μὲν γὰρ ὑφέστηκεν, αἱ δὲ οὔ. οὔτε γὰρ τὴν ῥητορικὴν ἕν τι καὶ τὸ αὐτὸ νομίζομεν, ἀλλʼ οἱ μὲν τέχνην, οἱ δὲ τοὐναντίον ἀτεχνίαν, ἄλλοι δὲ κακοτεχνίαν, ἄλλοι δὲ ἄλλο τι. ὁμοίως δὲ καὶ τὴν φιλοσοφίαν οὐ κατὰ τὰ αὐτὰ καὶ ὡσαύτως ἔχουσαν, ἑτέρως μὲν γὰρ Ἐπικούρῳ δοκεῖ τὰ πράγματα ἔχειν, ἑτέρως δὲ τοῖς ἀπὸ τῆς Στοᾶς, ἑτέρως δὲ τοῖς ἀπὸ τῆς Ἀκαδημίας, ἑτέρως δὲ τοῖς ἀπὸ τοῦ Περιπάτου, καὶ ἁπλῶς ἄλλος ἄλλην ἀξιοῖ τὴν φιλοσοφίαν εἶναι· καὶ μέχρι γε νῦν οὔτε οἱ αὐτοὶ γνώμης κρατοῦσιν οὔτε αὐτῶν ἡ τέχνη μία φαίνεται. ἐξ ὧν δῆλον ὅ τι τεκμαίρεσθαι καταλείπεται. ἀρχὴν γάρ φημι μηδὲ εἶναι τέχνην ἧς οὐκ ἔστιν ὑπόστασις. ἐπεὶ τί δή ποτε ἀριθμητικὴ μὲν μία ἐστὶ καὶ ἡ αὐτὴ καὶ δὶς δύο παρά τε ἡμῖν καὶ παρὰ Πέρσαις τέσσαρά ἐστιν καὶ συμφωνεῖ ταῦτα καὶ παρὰ Ἕλλησι καὶ βαρβάροις, φιλοσοφίας δὲ πολλὰς καὶ διαφόρους ὁρῶμεν καὶ οὔτε τὰς ἀρχὰς οὔτε τὰ τέλη σύμφωνα πασῶν;
Τυχιάδης ἀληθῆ λέγεις· μίαν μὲν γὰρ τὴν φιλοσοφίαν εἶναι λέγουσιν, αὐτοὶ δὲ αὐτὴν ποιοῦσι πολλάς.
Σίμων καὶ μὴν καὶ τὰς μὲν ἄλλας τέχνας, εἰ καί τι κατὰ ταύτας ἀσύμφωνον εἴη, κἂν παρέλθοι τις συγγνώμης ἀξιώσας, ἐπεὶ μέσαι τε δοκοῦσι καὶ αἱ καταλήψεις αὐτῶν οὐκ εἰσὶν ἀμετάπτωτοι. φιλοσοφίαν δὲ τίς ἂν καὶ ἀνάσχοιτο μὴ μίαν εἶναι καὶ μηδὲ σύμφωνον αὐτὴν ἑαυτῇ μᾶλλον τῶν ὀργάνων; μία μὲν οὖν οὐκ ἔστι φιλοσοφία, ἐπειδὴ ὁρῶ καὶ ἄπειρον οὖσαν· πολλαὶ δὲ οὐ δύνανται εἶναι, ἐπειδήπερ ἡ σοφία μία.
Σίμων ὁμοίως δὲ καὶ περὶ τῆς ὑποστάσεως τῆς ῥητορικῆς ταὐτὰ φαίη τις ἄν· τὸ γὰρ περὶ ἑνὸς προκειμένου ταὐτὰ μὴ λέγειν ἅπαντας, ἀλλὰ μάχην εἶναι φορᾶς ἀντιδόξου, ἀπόδειξις μεγίστη τοῦ μηδὲ ἀρχὴν εἶναι τοῦτο οὗ μία κατάληψις οὐκ ἔστιν· τὸ γὰρ ζητεῖν τό, τί μᾶλλον αὐτό ἐστιν, καὶ τὸ μηδέποτε ὁμολογεῖν ἓν εἶναι, τοῦτο αὐτὴν ἀναιρεῖ τοῦ ζητουμένου τὴν οὐσίαν.
Σίμων ἡ μέντοι παρασιτικὴ οὐχ οὕτως ἔχει, ἀλλὰ καὶ ἐν Ἕλλησι καὶ βαρβάροις μία ἐστὶν καὶ κατὰ ταὐτὰ καὶ ὡσαύτως, καὶ οὐκ ἂν εἴποι τις ἄλλως μὲν τούσδε, ἑτέρως δὲ τούσδε παρασιτεῖν, οὐδέ εἰσιν ὡς ἔοικεν ἐν παρασίτοις τινες οἷον Στωϊκοὶ ἢ Ἐπικούρειοι δόγματα ἔχοντες διάφορα, ἀλλὰ πᾶσι πρὸς ἅπαντας ὁμολογία τίς ἐστιν καὶ συμφωνία τῶν ἔργων καὶ τοῦ τέλους. ὥστε ἔμοιγε δοκεῖ ἡ παρασιτικὴ κινδυνεύειν κατά γε τοῦτο καὶ σοφία εἶναι.
SIMON I consider I have now established its superiority to art in general; let us next show how it excels individual arts. And it would be silly to compare it with the trades; I leave that to its detractors, and undertake to prove it superior to the greatest and most honourable professions. Such by universal acknowledgement are Rhetoric and Philosophy; indeed, some people insist that no name but science is grand enough for them; so if I prove sponging to be far above even these, a fortiori it will excel the others as Nausicaa her maids.
Now, its first superiority it enjoys over Philosophy and Rhetoric alike, and this is in the matter of real existence; it can claim that, they cannot. Instead of our having a single consistent notion of Rhetoric, some of us consider it an art, some the negation of art, some a mere artfulness, and so on. Similarly there is no unity in Philosophy’s subject, or in its relation to it; Epicurus takes one view, the Stoics another, the Academy, the Peripatetics, others; in fact Philosophy has as many definitions as definers. So far at least victory wavers between them, and their profession cannot be called one. The conclusion is obvious; I utterly deny that what has no real existence can be an art. To illustrate: there is one and only one Arithmetic; twice two is four whether here or in Persia; Greeks and barbarians have no quarrel over that; but philosophies are many and various, agreed neither upon their beginnings nor their ends.
TYCHIADES Perfectly true; they call Philosophy one, but they make it many.
SIMON Well, such a want of harmony might be excused in other arts, they being of a contingent nature, and the perceptions on which they are based not being immutable. But that Philosophy should lack unity, and even conflict with itself like instruments out of tune—how can that be tolerated? Philosophy, then, is not one, for I find its diversity infinite. And it cannot be many, because it is Philosophy, not philosophies.
The real existence of Rhetoric must incur the same criticism. That with the same subject-matter all professors should not agree, but maintain conflicting opinions, amounts to a demonstration: that which is differently apprehended cannot exist. The inquiry whether a thing is this or that, in place of agreement that it is one, is tantamount to a negation of its existence.
How different is the case of Sponging! for Greeks or barbarians, one in nature and subject and method. No one will tell you that these sponge this way, and those that; there are no spongers with peculiar principles, to match those of Stoics and Epicureans, that I know of; they are all agreed; their conduct and their end alike harmonious. Sponging, I take it on this showing, is just Wisdom itself.
Τυχιάδης πάνυ μοι δοκεῖς ἱκανῶς ταῦτα εἰρηκέναι. ὡς δὲ καὶ τὰ ἄλλα χείρων ἐστὶν ἡ φιλοσοφία τῆς σῆς τέχνης, πῶς ἀποδεικνύεις;
Σίμων οὐκοῦν ἀνάγκη πρῶτον εἰπεῖν ὅτι φιλοσοφίας μὲν οὐδέποτε ἠράσθη παράσιτος, παρασιτικῆς δὲ πάμπολλοι ἐπιθυμήσαντες μνημονεύονται φιλόσοφοι, καὶ μέχρι γε νῦν ἐρῶσιν.
Τυχιάδης καὶ τίνας ἂν ἔχοις εἰπεῖν φιλοσόφους παρασιτεῖν σπουδάσαντας;
Σίμων οὕστινας μέντοι, ὦ Τυχιάδη; οὓς καὶ σὺ γιγνώσκων ὑποκρίνῃ ἀγνοεῖν κἀμὲ κατασοφίζῃ ὥς τινος αὐτοῖς αἰσχύνης ἐντεῦθεν γιγνομένης, οὐχὶ τιμῆς.
Τυχιάδης οὐ μὰ τὸν Δία, ὦ Σίμων, ἀλλὰ καὶ σφόδρα ἀπορῶ οὕστινας καὶ εὕροις εἰπεῖν.
Σίμων ὦ γενναῖε, σύ μοι δοκεῖς ἀνήκοος εἶναι καὶ τῶν ἀναγραψάντων τοὺς ἐκείνων βίους, ἐπεὶ πάντως ἂν καὶ ἐπιγνῶναι οὕστινας λέγω δύναιο.
Τυχιάδης καὶ μέντοι νὴ τὸν Ἡρακλέα ποθῶ δὴ ἀκούειν τίνες εἰσίν.
Σίμων ἐγώ σοι καταλέξω αὐτοὺς ὄντας οὐχὶ τοὺς φαύλους, ἀλλʼ ὡς ἐγὼ δοκῶ, τοὺς ἀρίστους καὶ οὓς ἥκιστα σὺ οἴει. Αἰσχίνης μέντοι ὁ Σωκρατικός, οὗτος ὁ τοὺς μακροὺς καὶ ἀστείους διαλόγους γράψας, ἧκέν ποτε εἰς Σικελίαν κομίζων αὐτούς, εἴ πως δύναιτο διʼ αὐτῶν γνωσθῆναι Διονυσίῳ τῷ τυράννῳ, καὶ τὸν Μιλτιάδην ἀναγνοὺς καὶ δόξας εὐδοκιμηκέναι λοιπὸν ἐκάθητο ἐν Σικελίᾳ παρασιτῶν Διονυσίῳ καὶ ταῖς Σωκράτους διατριβαῖς ἐρρῶσθαι φράσας.
Σίμων τί δέ, καὶ Ἀρίστιππος ὁ Κυρηναῖος οὐχὶ τῶν δοκίμων φαίνεταί σοι φιλοσόφων;
Τυχιάδης καὶ πάνυ.
Σίμων καὶ οὗτος μέντοι κατὰ τὸν αὐτὸν χρόνον διέτριβεν ἐν Συρακούσαις παρασιτῶν Διονυσίῳ. πάντων γοῦν ἀμέλει τῶν παρασίτων αὐτὸς ηὐδοκίμει παρʼ αὐτῷ· καὶ γὰρ ἦν πλέον τι τῶν ἄλλων πρὸς τὴν τέχνην εὐφυής, ὥστε τοὺς ὀψοποιοὺς ὁσημέραι ἔπεμπεν παρὰ τοῦτον ὁ Διονύσιος ὥς τι παρʼ αὐτοῦ μαθησομένους.
οὗτος μέντοι δοκεῖ καὶ κοσμῆσαι τὴν τέχνην ἀξίως.
Σίμων ὁ δὲ Πλάτων ὑμῶν ὁ γενναιότατος καὶ αὐτὸς μὲν ἧκεν εἰς Σικελίαν ἐπὶ τούτῳ, καὶ ὀλίγας παρασιτήσας ἡμέρας τῷ τυράννῳ τοῦ παρασιτεῖν ὑπὸ ἀφυίας ἐξέπεσε, καὶ πάλιν Ἀθήναζε ἀφικόμενος καὶ φιλοπονῄσας καὶ παρασκευάσας ἑαυτὸν αὖθις δευτέρῳ στόλῳ ἐπέπλευσε τῇ Σικελίᾳ καὶ δειπνήσας πάλιν ὀλίγας ἡμέρας ὑπὸ ἀμαθίας ἐξέπεσε· καὶ αὕτη ἡ συμφορὰ Πλάτωνι περὶ Σικελίαν ὁμοία δοκεῖ γενέσθαι τῇ Νικίου.
Τυχιάδης καὶ τίς, ὦ Σίμων, περὶ τούτου λέγει;
Σίμων πολλοὶ μὲν καὶ ἄλλοι, Ἀριστόξενος δὲ ὁ μουσικός, πολλοῦ λόγου ἄξιος.
Εὐριπίδης μὲν γὰρ ὅτι Ἀρχελάῳ μέχρι μὲν τοῦ θανάτου παρεσίτει καὶ Ἀνάξαρχος Ἀλεξάνδρῳ πάντως ἐπίστασαι.
TYCHIADES Yes, I think you have dealt with that point sufficiently; apart from that, how do you show the inferiority of Philosophy to your art?
SIMON I must first mention that no sponger was ever in love with Philosophy; but many philosophers are recorded to have set their hearts on Sponging, to which they still remain constant.
TYCHIADES Philosophers caring to sponge? Names, please.
SIMON Names? You know them well enough; you only play at not knowing because you regard it as a slur on their characters, instead of as the credit it is.
TYCHIADES Simon, I solemnly assure you I cannot think where you will find your instances.
SIMON Honour bright? Then I conclude you never patronize their biographers, or you could not hesitate about my reference.
TYCHIADES Seriously, I long to hear their names.
SIMON Oh, I will give you a list; not bad names either; the elite, if I am correctly informed; they will rather surprise you. Aeschines the Socratic, now, author of dialogues as witty as they are long, brought them with him to Sicily in the hope that they would gain him the royal notice of Dionysius; having given a reading of the Miltiades, and found himself famous, he settled down in Sicily to sponge on Dionysius and forget Socratic composition.
Again, I suppose you will pass Aristippus of Cyrene as a distinguished philosopher?
TYCHIADES Assuredly.
SIMON Well, he was living there too at the same time and on the same terms. Dionysius reckoned him the best of all spongers; he had indeed a special gift that way; the prince used to send his cooks to him daily for instruction. He, I think, was really an ornament to the profession.
Well then, Plato, the noblest of you all, came to Sicily with the same view; he did a few days’ sponging, but found himself incompetent and had to leave. He went back to Athens, took considerable pains with himself, and then had another try, with exactly the same result, however. Plato’s Sicilian disaster seems to me to bear comparison with that of Nicias.
TYCHIADES Your authority for all this, pray?
SIMON Oh, there are plenty of authorities; but I will specify Aristoxenus the musician, a weighty one enough, and himself attached as a sponger to Neleus. Then you of course know that Euripides held this relation to Archelaus till the day of his death, and Anaxarchus to Alexander.
Σίμων καὶ Ἀριστοτέλης δὲ τῆς παρασιτικῆς ἤρξατο μόνον ὥσπερ καὶ τῶν ἄλλων τεχνῶν.
Σίμων φιλοσόφους μὲν οὖν, ὥσπερ ἦν, παρασιτεῖν σπουδάσαντας ἔδειξα· παράσιτον δὲ οὐδεὶς ἔχει φράσαι φιλοσοφεῖν ἐθελήσαντα.
Σίμων καὶ μέντοι εἰ ἔστιν εὔδαιμον τὸ μὴ πεινῆν μηδὲ διψῆν μηδὲ ῥιγοῦν, ταῦτα οὐδενὶ ἄλλῳ ὑπάρχει ἢ παρασίτῳ. ὥστε φιλοσόφους μὲν ἄν τις πολλοὺς καὶ ῥιγοῦντας καὶ πεινῶντας εὕροι, παράσιτον δὲ οὔ· ἢ οὐκ ἂν εἴη παράσιτος, ἀλλὰ δυστυχής τις καὶ πτωχὸς ἄνθρωπος καὶ φιλοσόφῳ ὅμοιος.
Τυχιάδης ἱκανῶς ταῦτά γε. ὅτι δὲ κατὰ τἄλλα διαφέρει φιλοσοφίας καὶ ῥητορικῆς ἡ παρασιτικὴ πῶς ἐπιδεικνύεις;
Σίμων εἰσίν, ὦ βέλτιστε, καιροὶ τοῦ τῶν ἀνθρώπων βίου, ὁ μέν τις εἰρήνης, οἶμαι, ὁ δʼ αὖ πολέμου. ἐν δὴ τούτοις πᾶσα ἀνάγκη φανερὰς γίγνεσθαι τὰς τέχνας καὶ τοὺς ἔχοντας ταύτας ὁποῖοί τινές εἰσιν. πρότερον δέ, εἰ δοκεῖ, σκοπώμεθα τὸν τοῦ πολέμου καιρόν, καὶ τίνες ἂν εἶεν μάλιστα χρησιμώτατοι ἰδίᾳ τε ἕκαστος αὐτῷ καὶ κοινῇ τῇ πόλει.
Τυχιάδης ὡς οὐ μέτριον ἀγῶνα καταγγέλλεις τῶν ἀνδρῶν· καὶ ἔγωγε πάλαι γελῶ κατʼ ἐμαυτὸν ἐννοῶν ποῖος ἂν εἴη συμβαλλόμενος παρασίτῳ φιλόσοφος.
Σίμων ἵνα τοίνυν μὴ πάνυ θαυμάζῃς μηδὲ τὸ πρᾶγμά σοι δοκῇ χλεύης ἄξιον, φέρε προτυπωσώμεθα παρʼ ἡμῖν αὐτοῖς ἠγγέλθαι μὲν αἰφνίδιον εἰς τὴν χώραν ἐμβεβληκέναι πολεμίους, εἶναι δὲ ἀνάγκην ἐπεξιέναι καὶ μὴ περιορᾶν ἔξω δῃουμένην τὴν γῆν, τὸν στρατηγὸν δὲ παραγγέλλειν ἅπαντας εἰς τὸν κατάλογον τοὺς ἐν ἡλικίᾳ, καὶ δὴ χωρεῖν τοὺς ἄλλους, ἐν δὲ δὴ τούτοις φιλοσόφους τινὰς καὶ ῥήτορας καὶ παρασίτους. πρῶτον τοίνυν ἀποδύσωμεν αὐτούς· ἀνάγκη γὰρ τοὺς μέλλοντας ὁπλίζεσθαι γυμνοῦσθαι πρότερον. θεῶ δὴ τοὺς ἄνδρας, ὦ γενναῖε, καθʼ ἕκαστον καὶ δοκίμαζε τὰ σώματα. τοὺς μὲν τοίνυν αὐτῶν ὑπὸ ἐνδείας ἴδοις ἂν λεπτοὺς καὶ ὠχρούς, πεφρικότας, ὥσπερ ἤδη τραυματίας παρειμένους· ἀγῶνα μὲν γὰρ καὶ μάχην σταδιαίαν καὶ ὠθισμὸν καὶ κόνιν καὶ τραύματα μὴ γελοῖον ᾖ λέγειν δύνασθαι φέρειν ἀνθρώπους ὥσπερ ἐκείνους τινὸς δεομένους ἀναλήψεως.
Σίμων ἄθρει δὲ πάλιν μεταβὰς τὸν παράσιτον ὁποῖός τις φαίνεται. ἆρʼ οὐχ ὁ μὲν τὸ σῶμα πρῶτον πολὺς καὶ τὸ χρῶμα ἡδύς, οὐ μέλας δὲ οὐδὲ λευκός — τὸ μὲν γὰρ γυναικί, τὸ δὲ δούλῳ προσέοικεν — ἔπειτα θυμοειδής, δεινὸν βλέπων ὁποῖον ἡμεῖς, μέγα καὶ ὕφαιμον; οὐ γὰρ καλὸν δεδοικότα καὶ θῆλυν ὀφθαλμὸν εἰς πόλεμον φέρειν. ἆρʼ οὐχ ὁ τοιοῦτος καλὸς μὲν γένοιτʼ ἂν καὶ ζῶν ὁπλίτης, καλὸς δὲ καὶ εἰ ἀποθάνοι νεκρός;
As for Aristotle, that tiro in all arts was a tiro here too.
I have shown you, then, and without exaggeration, the philosophic passion for sponging. On the other hand, no one can point to a sponger who ever cared to philosophize.
But of course, if never to be hungry, thirsty, or cold, is to be happy, the sponger is the man who is in that position. Cold hungry philosophers you may see any day, but never a cold hungry sponger; the man would not be a sponger, that is all, but a wretched pauper, no better than a philosopher.
TYCHIADES Well, let that pass. And now what about those many points in which your art is superior to Rhetoric and Philosophy?
SIMON Human life, my dear sir, has its times and seasons; there is peace time and there is war time. These provide unfailing tests for the character of arts and their professors. Shall we take war time first, and see who will do best for himself and for his city under those conditions?
TYCHIADES Ah, now comes the tug of war. It tickles me, this queer match between sponger and philosopher.
SIMON Well, to make the thing more natural, and enable you to take it seriously, let us picture the circumstances. Sudden news has come of a hostile invasion; it has to be met; we are not going to sit still while our outlying territory is laid waste; the commander-in-chief issues orders for a general muster of all liable to serve; the troops gather, including philosophers, rhetoricians, and spongers. We had better strip them first, as the proper preliminary to arming. Now, my dear sir, have a look at them individually and see how they shape. Some of them you will find thin and white with underfeeding—all goose-flesh, as if they were lying wounded already. Now, when you think of a hard day, a stand- up fight with press and dust and wounds, what is it but a sorry jest to talk of such starvelings’ being able to stand it?
Now go and inspect the sponger. Full-bodied, flesh a nice colour, neither white like a woman’s nor tanned like a slave’s; you can see his spirit; he has a keen look, as a gentleman should, and a high, full-blooded one to boot; none of your shrinking feminine glances when you are going to war! A noble pike-man that, and a noble corpse, for that matter, if a noble death is his fate.
But why deal in conjecture when there are facts to hand? I make the simple statement that in war, of all the rhetoricians and philosophers who ever lived, most never ventured outside the city walls, and the few who did, under compulsion, take their places in the ranks left their posts and went home.
TYCHIADES A bold extravagant assertion. Well, prove it.
Σίμων ἀλλὰ τί δεῖ ταῦτα εἰκάζειν ἔχοντας αὐτῶν παραδείγματα; ἁπλῶς γὰρ εἰπεῖν, ἐν πολέμῳ τῶν πώποτε ῥητόρων ἢ φιλοσόφων οἱ μὲν οὐδὲ ὅλως ὑπέμειναν ἔξω τοῦ τείχους προελθεῖν, εἰ δέ τις καὶ ἀναγκασθεὶς παρετάξατο, φημὶ τοῦτον λείψαντα τὴν τάξιν ὑποστρέφειν.
Τυχιάδης ὡς θαυμάσια πάντα καὶ οὐδὲν ὑπισχνῇ μέτριον. λέγε δὲ ὅμως.
Σίμων τῶν μὲν τοίνυν ῥητόρων Ἰσοκράτης οὐχ ὅπως εἰς πόλεμον ἐξῆλθέν ποτε, ἀλλʼ οὐδʼ ἐπὶ δικαστήριον ἀνέβη, διὰ δειλίαν, οἶμαι, ὅτι οὐδὲ τὴν φωνὴν διὰ τοῦτο εἶχεν ἔτι. τί δʼ; οὐχὶ Δημάδης μὲν καὶ Αἰσχίνης καὶ Φιλοκράτης ὑπὸ δέους εὐθὺς τῇ καταγγελίᾳ τοῦ Φιλίππου πολέμου τὴν πόλιν προὔδοσαν καὶ σφᾶς αὐτοὺς τῷ Φιλίππῳ καὶ διετέλεσαν Ἀθήνησιν ἀεὶ τὰ ἐκείνου πολιτευόμενοι, ὃς εἴ γε καὶ ἄλλος τις Ἀθηναίοις κατὰ ταῦτα ἐπολέμει· κἀκεῖνος ἐν αὐτοῖς ἦν φίλος. Ὑπερίδης δὲ καὶ Δημοσθένης καὶ Λυκοῦργος, οἵ γε δοκοῦντες ἀνδρειότεροι κἀν ταῖς ἐκκλησίαις ἀεὶ θορυβοῦντες καὶ λοιδορούμενοι τῷ Φιλίππῳ, τί ποτε ἀπειργάσαντο γενναῖον ἐν τῷ πρὸς αὐτὸν πολέμῳ; καὶ Ὑπερίδης μὲν καὶ Λυκοῦργος οὐδὲ ἐξῆλθον, ἀλλʼ οὐδὲ ὅλως ἐτόλμησαν μικρὸν ἔξω παρακῦψαι τῶν πυλῶν, ἀλλʼ ἐντειχίδιοι ἐκάθηντο παρʼ αὐτοῖς ἤδη πολιορκούμενοι γνωμίδια καὶ προβουλευμάτια συντιθέντες. ὁ δὲ δὴ κορυφαιότατος αὐτῶν, ὁ ταυτὶ λέγων ἐν ταῖς ἐκκλησίαις συνεχῶς· Φίλιππος γὰρ ὁ Μακεδὼν ὄλεθρος, ὅθεν οὐδὲ ἀνδράποδον πρίαιτό τίς ποτε, τολμήσας προελθεῖν εἰς τὴν Βοιωτίαν, πρὶν ἢ συμμῖξαι τὰ στρατόπεδα καὶ συμβαλεῖν εἰς χεῖρας ῥίψας τὴν ἀσπίδα ἔφυγεν. ἢ οὐδέπω ταῦτα πρότερον διήκουσας οὐδενός, πάνυ γνώριμα ὄντα οὐχ ὅπως Ἀθηναίοις, ἀλλὰ Θρᾳξὶ καὶ Σκύθαις, ὅθεν ἐκεῖνο τὸ κάθαρμα ἦν;
SIMON Rhetoricians, then. Of these, Isocrates, so far from serving in war, never even ventured into a law-court; he was afraid, because his voice was weak, I understand. Well, then Demades, Aeschines, and Philocrates, directly the Macedonian war broke out, were frightened into betraying their country and themselves to Philip. They simply espoused his interests in Athenian politics; and any other Athenian who took the same side was their friend. As for Hyperides, Demosthenes, and Lycurgus, supposed to be bolder spirits, and always raising scenes in the assembly with their abuse of Philip, how did they ever show their prowess in the war? Hyperides and Lycurgus never went out, did not so much as dare show their noses beyond the gates; they sat snug inside in a domestic state of siege, composing poor little decrees and resolutions. And their great chieftain, who had no gentler words for Philip in the assembly than ‘the brute from Macedon, which cannot produce even a slave worth buying’—well, he did take heart of grace and go to Boeotia the day before; but battle had not been joined when he threw away his shield and made off. You must have heard this before; it was common talk not only at Athens, but in Thrace and Scythia, whence the creature was derived.
Τυχιάδης ἐπίσταμαι ταῦτα· ἀλλʼ οὗτοι μὲν ῥήτορες καὶ λόγους λέγειν ἠσκηκότες, ἀρετὴν δὲ οὔ. τί δὲ περὶ τῶν φιλοσόφων λέγεις; οὐ γὰρ δὴ τούτους ἔχεις ὥσπερ ἐκείνους αἰτιᾶσθαι.
Σίμων οὗτοι πάλιν, ὦ Τυχιάδη, οἱ περὶ τῆς ἀνδρείας ὁσημέραι διαλεγόμενοι καὶ κατατρίβοντες τὸ τῆς ἀρετῆς ὄνομα πολλῷ μᾶλλον τῶν ῥητόρων φανοῦνται δειλότεροι καὶ μαλακώτεροι. σκόπει δὴ οὕτως. πρῶτον μὲν οὐκ ἔστιν ὅστις εἰπεῖν ἔχοι φιλόσοφον ἐν πολέμῳ τετελευτηκότα· ἤτοι γὰρ οὐδὲ ὅλως ἐστρατεύσαντο, ἢ εἴπερ ἐστρατεύσαντο, πάντες ἔφυγον. Ἀντισθένης μὲν οὖν καὶ Διογένης καὶ Κράτης καὶ Ζήνων καὶ Πλάτων καὶ Αἰσχίνης καὶ Ἀριστοτέλης καὶ πᾶς οὗτος ὁ ὅμιλος οὐδὲ εἶδον παράταξιν· μόνος δὲ τολμήσας ἐξελθεῖν εἰς τὴν ἐπὶ Δηλίῳ μάχην ὁ σοφὸς αὐτῶν Σωκράτης φεύγων ἐκεῖθεν ἀπὸ τῆς Πάρνηθος εἰς τὴν Ταυρέου παλαίστραν κατέφυγεν. πολὺ γὰρ αὐτῷ ἀστειότερον ἐδόκει μετὰ τῶν μειρακυλλίων καθεζόμενον ὀαρίζειν καὶ σοφισμάτια προβάλλειν τοῖς ἐντυγχάνουσιν ἢ ἀνδρὶ Σπαρτιάτῃ μάχεσθαι.
Τυχιάδης ὦ γενναῖε, ταῦτα μὲν ἤδη καὶ παρʼ ἄλλων ἐπυθόμην, οὐ μὰ Δία σκώπτειν αὐτοὺς καὶ ὀνειδίζειν βουλομένων· ὥστε οὐδέν τί μοι δοκεῖς χαριζόμενος τῇ σεαυτοῦ τέχνῃ καταψεύδεσθαι τῶν ἀνδρῶν.
Τυχιάδης ἀλλʼ εἰ δοκεῖ ἤδη, φέρε καὶ σὺ τὸν παράσιτον ὁποῖός τίς ἐστιν ἐν πολέμῳ λέγε, καὶ εἰ καθόλως λέγεται παράσιτός τις γενέσθαι τῶν παλαιῶν;
Σίμων καὶ μήν, ὦ φιλότης, οὐδεὶς οὕτως ἀνήκοος Ὁμήρου, οὐδʼ ἂν πάμπαν ἰδιώτης τύχῃ, ὃς οὐκ ἐπίσταται παρʼ αὐτῷ τοὺς ἀρίστους τῶν ἡρώων παρασίτους ὄντας. ὅ τε γὰρ Νέστωρ ἐκεῖνος, οὗ ἀπὸ τῆς γλώττης ὥσπερ μέλι ὁ λόγος ἀπέρρει, αὐτοῦ τοῦ βασιλέως παράσιτος ἦν, καὶ οὔτε τὸν Ἀχιλλέα, ὅσπερ ἐδόκει τε καὶ ἦν τὸ σῶμα γενναιότατος, οὔτε τὸν Διομήδην οὔτε τὸν Αἴαντα ὁ Ἀγαμέμνων οὕτως ἐπαινεῖ τε καὶ θαυμάζει ὥσπερ τὸν Νέστορα. οὐδὲ γὰρ δέκα Αἴαντας εὔχεται γενέσθαι αὑτῷ οὔτε δέκα Ἀχιλλέας· πάλαι δʼ ἂν ἑαλωκέναι τὴν Τροίαν, εἰ τοιούτους ὁποῖος ἦν οὗτος ὁ παράσιτος, καίπερ γέρων ὤν, στρατιώτας εἶχεν δέκα. καὶ τὸν Ἰδομενέα τὸν τοῦ Διὸς ἔγγονον παράσιτον Ἀγαμέμνονος ὁμοίως λέγει.
TYCHIADES Yes, I know all that. But then these are orators, trained to speak, not to fight. But the philosophers; you cannot say the same of them.
SIMON Oh, yes; they discuss manliness every day, and do a great deal more towards wearing out the word Virtue than the orators; but you will find them still greater cowards and shirkers.—How do I know?—In the first place, can any one name a philosopher killed in battle? No, they either do not serve, or else run away. Antisthenes, Diogenes, Crates, Zeno, Plato, Aeschines, Aristotle, and all their company, never set eyes on a battle array. Their wise Socrates was the solitary one who dared to go out; and in the battle of Delium he ran away from Mount Parnes and got safe to the gymnasium of Taureas. It was a far more civilized proceeding, according to his ideas, to sit there talking soft nonsense to handsome striplings and posing the company with quibbles, than to cross spears with a grown Spartan.
TYCHIADES Well, I have heard these stories before, and from people who had no satirical intent. So I acquit you of slandering them by way of magnifying your own profession.
But come now, if you don’t mind, to the sponger’s military behaviour; and also tell me whether there is any sponging recorded of the ancients.
SIMON My dear fellow, the most uneducated of us has surely heard enough of Homer to know that he makes the best of his heroes spongers. The great Nestor, whose tongue distilled honeyed speech, sponged on the King; Achilles was, and was known for, the most upright of the Greeks in form and in mind; but neither for him, for Ajax, nor for Diomede, has Agamemnon such admiring praise as for Nestor. It is not for ten Ajaxes or Achilleses that he prays; no, Troy would have been taken long ago, if he had had in his host ten men like—that old sponger. Idomeneus, of Zeus’s own kindred, is also represented in the same relation to Agamemnon.
TYCHIADES I know the passages; but I do not feel sure of the sense in which they were spongers.
SIMON Well, recall the lines in which Agamemnon addresses Idomeneus.
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