BDELYCLEON Is any Justice out there? let him enter. We shan’t admit him when they’ve once begun.
PHILOCLEON Where is the prisoner fellow? won’t he catch it!
BDELYCLEON O yes! attention! (Reads the indictment) Cur of Cydathon Hereby accuses Labes of Aexone, For that, embezzling a Sicilian cheese, Alone he ate it. Fine, one fig-tree collar.
PHILOCLEON Nay, but a dog’s death, an’ he’s once convicted.
BDELYCLEON Here stands, to meet the charge, the prisoner Labes,
PHILOCLEON O the vile wretch! O what a thievish look! See how he grins, and thinks to take me in. Where’s the Accuser, Cur of Cydathon?
CUR Bow!
BDELYCLEON Here he stands.
XANTHIAS Another Labes this, Good dog to yelp and lick the platters clean.
BDELYCLEON St! take your seat. (To Cur) Go up and prosecute.
PHILOCLEON Meanwhile I’ll ladle out and sip my gruel.
XANTHIAS Ye have heard the charge, most honourable judges, I bring against him. Scandalous the trick
XANTHIAS He played us all, me and the Sailor-laddies. Alone, in a corner, in the dark, he gorged, And munched, and crunched, and Siciliced the cheese!
PHILOCLEON Pheugh! the thing’s evident: the brute this instant Breathed in my face the filthiest whiff of cheese. O the foul skunk!
XANTHIAS And would not give me any, Not though I asked. Yet can he be your friend Who won’t throw anything to Me, the dog?
PHILOCLEON Not give you any! No, nor Me, the state. The man’s a regular scorcher, (burns his mouth) like this gruel.
BDELYCLEON Come don’t decide against us, pray don’t, father, Before you’ve heard both sides.
PHILOCLEON But, my dear boy, The thing’s self-evident, speaks for itself.
XANTHIAS Don’t let him off; upon my life he is The most lone-eatingest dog that ever was. The brute went coasting round and round the mortar, And snapped up all the rind off all the cities.
PHILOCLEON And I’ve no mortar even to mend my pitcher!
XANTHIAS So then be sure you punish him. For why? One bush, they say, can never keep two thieves. Lest I should bark, and bark, and yet get nothing. And if I do I’ll never bark again.
PHILOCLEON Soh! soh! Here’s a nice string of accusations truly! A rare thief of a man! You think so too, Old gamecock? Ay, he winks his eye, he thinks so.
PHILOCLEON Archon! Hi, fellow, hand me down the vessel.
BDELYCLEON Reach it yourself; I’ll call my witnesses. The witnesses for Labes, please stand forward! Pot, pestle, grater, brazier, water-jug, And all the other scarred and charred utensils. (To Phil.) Good heavens, sir, finish there, and take your seat!
PHILOCLEON I guess I’ll finish him before I’ve done.
BDELYCLEON What! always hard and pitiless, and that To the prisoners, always keen to bite! (To Labes) Up, plead your cause: what, quite dumbfounded? speak.
PHILOCLEON Seems he’s got nothing in the world to say.
BDELYCLEON Nay, ’tis a sudden seizure, such as once Attacked Thucydides when brought to trial. ’Tis tongue-paralysis that stops his jaws. (To Labes) Out of the way! I’ll plead your cause myself. O sirs, ’tis hard to argue for a dog Assailed by slander: nevertheless, I’ll try. ’Tis a good dog, and drives away the wolves.
PHILOCLEON A thief I call him, and CONSPIRATOR.
BDELYCLEON Nay, he’s the best and worthiest dog alive, Fit to take charge of any number o’ sheep.
PHILOCLEON What use in that, if he eat up the cheese?
BDELYCLEON Use! why, he fights your battles, guards your door The best dog altogether. If he filched, Yet O forgive: he never learnt the lyre.
PHILOCLEON I would to heaven he had never learned his letters, Then he’d not given us all this tiresome speech.
BDELYCLEON Nay, nay, sir, hear my witnesses, I beg.
BDELYCLEON Grater, get in the box, and speak well out. You kept the mess; I ask you, answer plainly, Did you not grate the spoil between the soldiers? He says he did.
PHILOCLEON Ay, but I vow he’s lying.
BDELYCLEON O sir, have pity upon poor toiling souls. Our Labes here, he lives on odds and ends, Bones, gristle: and is always on the go. That other Cur is a mere stay-at-home, Sits by the hearth, and when one brings aught in Asks for a share: if he gets none, he bites.
PHILOCLEON O me, what ails me that I grow so soft! Some ill’s afoot: I’m nearly giving in.
BDELYCLEON O, I beseech you, father, show some pity, Don’t crush him quite. Where are his little cubs? Up, little wretches, up; and whimpering there Plead for your father: weep, implore, beseech.
PHILOCLEON (Deeply affected) Get down, get down, get down, get down.
BDELYCLEON I will. Yet that “get down,” I know, has taken in A many men. However I’ll get down.
PHILOCLEON Dash it! this guzzling ain’t the thing at all. Here was I shedding tears, and seems to me Only because I have gorged myself with gruel.
BDELYCLEON Then will he not get off?
PHILOCLEON ’Tis hard to know.
BDELYCLEON O take, dear father, take the kindlier turn. Here, hold this vote: then with shut eyes dash by To the Far Urn. O father, do acquit him.
PHILOCLEON No, no, my boy. I never learnt the lyre.
BDELYCLEON Here, let me lead you round the handiest way.
PHILOCLEON Is this the Nearer?
BDELYCLEON This is.
PHILOCLEON In she goes.
BDELYCLEON (Aside) Duped, as I live! acquits him by mistake! (Aloud) I’ll do the counting.
PHILOCLEON Well, how went the battle?
BDELYCLEON We shall soon see. O Labes, you’re acquitted! Why, how now, father?
PHILOCLEON (Faintly) Water, give me water!
BDELYCLEON Hold up, sir, do.
PHILOCLEON Just tell me only this, Is he INDEED acquitted?
BDELYCLEON Yes,
PHILOCLEON I’m done for.
BDELYCLEON Don’t take it so to heart: stand up, sir, pray.
PHILOCLEON How shall I bear this sin upon my soul? A man acquitted! What awaits me now? Yet, O great gods! I pray you pardon me, Unwilled I did it, not from natural bent.
BDELYCLEON And don’t begrudge it; for I’ll tend you well, And take you, father, everywhere with me, To feasts, to suppers, to the public games. Henceforth in pleasure you shall spend your days, And no Hyperbolus delude and mock you. But go we in.
PHILOCLEON Yes, if you wish it, now.
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