BDELYCLEON O father, father, by the Gods comply.
PHILOCLEON Comply with what? name any wish, save one.
BDELYCLEON Save what, I prithee?
PHILOCLEON Not to judge; but that Hades shall settle ere my soul comply.
BDELYCLEON Well but if these are really your delights, Yet why go There? why not remain at home And sit and judge among your household here?
PHILOCLEON Folly! judge what?
BDELYCLEON The same as There you do. Suppose you catch your housemaid on the sly Opening the door: fine her for that, one drachma. That’s what you did at every sitting There. And very aptly, if the morning’s fine, You’ll fine your culprits, sitting in the sun. In snow, enter your judgements by the fire While it rains on: and—though you sleep till midday, No archon here will close the door against you.
PHILOCLEON Hah! I like that.
BDELYCLEON And then, however long An orator proses on, no need to fast, Worrying yourself (ay, and the prisoner too).
PHILOCLEON But do you really think that I can judge As well as now, whilst eating and digesting?
BDELYCLEON As well? much better. When there’s reckless swearing, Don’t people say, what time and thought and trouble It took the judges to digest the case?
PHILOCLEON I’m giving in. But you’ve not told me yet How I’m to get my pay.
BDELYCLEON I’ll pay you.
PHILOCLEON Good, Then I shall have mine to myself, alone; For once Lysistratus, the funny fool, Played me the scurviest trick. We’d got one drachma Betwixt us two: he changed it at the fish-stall;
PHILOCLEON Then laid me down three mullet scales: and I, I thought them obols, popped them in my mouth; O the vile smell! Ola! I spat them out And collared him.
BDELYCLEON And what said he?
PHILOCLEON The rascal! He said I’d got the stomach of a cock. You’ll soon digest hard coin, he says, says he.
BDELYCLEON Then there again you’ll get a great advantage.
PHILOCLEON Ay, ay, that’s something: let’s begin at once.
BDELYCLEON Then stop a moment whilst I fetch the traps.
PHILOCLEON See here now, how the oracles come true. Oft have I heard it said that the Athenians One day would try their lawsuits in their homes, That each would have a little Courtlet built For his own use, in his own porch, before His entrance, like a shrine of Hecate.
BDELYCLEON (Bustling in with a quantity of judicial properties) Now then I hope you’re satisfied: I’ve brought All that I promised, and a lot besides. See here I’ll hang this vessel on a peg, In case you want it as the suit proceeds.
PHILOCLEON Now that I call extremely kind and thoughtful, And wondrous handy for an old man’s needs.
BDELYCLEON And here’s a fire, and gruel set beside it, All ready when you want it.
PHILOCLEON Good again. Now if I’m feverish I shan’t lose my pay, For here I’ll sit, and sip my gruel too. But why in the world have ye brought me out the cock?
BDELYCLEON To wake you, father, crowing over head In ease you’re dozing whilst a prisoner pleads.
PHILOCLEON One thing I miss, and only one.
BDELYCLEON What’s that?
PHILOCLEON If you could somehow fetch the shrine of Lycus!
BDELYCLEON Here then it is, and here’s the king in person.
PHILOCLEON O hero lord, how stern you are to see!
BDELYCLEON Almost, methinks, like our—Cleonymus.
XANTHIAS Ay, and ’tis true the hero has no shield!
BDELYCLEON If you got seated sooner, I should sooner Call a suit on.
PHILOCLEON Call on, I’ve sat for ages.
BDELYCLEON Let’s see: what matter shall I bring on first? Who’s been at mischief of the household here? That careless Thratta now, she charred the pitcher.
PHILOCLEON O stop, for goodness’ sake! you’ve all but killed me. What! call a suit on with no railing here, Always the first of all our sacred things?
BDELYCLEON No more there is, by Zeus.
PHILOCLEON I’ll run myself And forage out whatever comes to hand.
BDELYCLEON Heyday! where now? The strange infatuation!
XANTHIAS Psha! rot the dog! To keep a cur like this!
BDELYCLEON What’s happened now?
XANTHIAS Why, has not Labes here Got to the kitchen safe, and grabbed a cheese, A rich Sicilian cheese, and bolted it?
BDELYCLEON Then that’s the first indictment we’ll bring on Before my father: you shall prosecute.
SOSIAS Thank you, not I. This other Cur declares If there’s a charge, he’ll prosecute with pleasure.
BDELYCLEON Bring them both here.
XANTHIAS Yes, yes, sir, so I will.
BDELYCLEON (To Phil.) Hallo, what’s this? Pig-railings from the hearth.
BDELYCLEON Sacrilege, eh?
PHILOCLEON No, but I’d trounce some fellow (As the phrase goes) even from the very hearth. So call away: I’m keen for passing sentence.
BDELYCLEON Then now I’ll fetch the cause-lists and the pleadings.
PHILOCLEON O these delays! You weary and wear me out. I’ve long been dying to commence my furrows.
BDELYCLEON Now then!
PHILOCLEON Call on.
BDELYCLEON Yes, certainly.
PHILOCLEON And who Is first in order?
BDELYCLEON Dash it, what a bother! I quite forgot to bring the voting-urns.
PHILOCLEON Goodness! where now?
BDELYCLEON After the urns.
PHILOCLEON Don’t trouble, I’d thought of that. I’ve got these ladling-bowls.
BDELYCLEON That’s capital: then now methinks we have All that we want. No, there’s no water-piece.
PHILOCLEON Water-piece, quotha! pray what call you this?
BDELYCLEON Well thought on, father: and with shrewd home wit.
BDELYCLEON Ho, there within! some person bring me out A pan of coals, and frankincense, and myrtle, That so our business may commence with prayer.
CHORUS We too, as ye offer the prayer and wine, We too will call on the Powers Divine To prosper the work begun; For the battle is over and done, And out of the fray and the strife to-day Fair peace ye have nobly won.
BDELYCLEON Now hush all idle words and sounds profane.
CHORUS O Pythian Phoebus, bright Apollo, deign To speed this youth’s design Wrought here, these gates before, And give us from our wanderings rest And peace for evermore. (The shout of Io Paean is raised.)
BDELYCLEON Aguieus! my neighbour and hero and lord! who dwellest in front of my vestibule gate, I pray thee be graciously pleased to accept the rite that we new for my father create. O bend to a pliant and flexible mood the stubborn and resolute oak of his will. And into his heart, so crusty and tart, a trifle of honey for syrup instil. Endue him with sympathies wide, A sweet and humane disposition, Which leans to the side of the wretch that is tried, And weeps at a culprit’s petition.
BDELYCLEON From harshness and anger to turn, May it now be his constant endeavour, And out of his temper the stern Sharp sting of the nettle to sever.
CHORUS We in thy prayers combine, and quite give in To the new rule, for the aforesaid reasons. Our heart has stood our friend And loved you, since we knew That you affect the people more Than other young men do.
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