PHILOCLEON Up ahoy! out ahoy! Some of you that follow me Shall ere long be crying. If they don’t shog off, I swear I’ll frizzle’em all with the torch I bear, I’ll set the rogues a-frying
GUEST Zounds! we’ll all make you pay for this to-morrow, You vile old rake, however young you are! We’ll come and cite and summon you all together.
PHILOCLEON Yah! hah! summon and cite! The obsolete notion! don’t you know I’m sick of the names of your suits and claims. Faugh! Faugh! Pheugh! Here’s my delight! Away with the verdict-box! Won’t he go? Where’s the Heliast? out of my sight!
PHILOCLEON My little golden chafer, come up here, Hold by this rope, a rotten one perchance, But strong enough for you. Mount up, my dear. See now, how cleverly I filched you off, A wanton hussy, flirting with the guests. You owe me, child, some gratitude for that. But you’re not one to pay your debts, I know. O no! you’ll laugh and chaff and slip away, That’s what you always do. But listen now, Be a good girl, and don’t be disobliging, And when my son is dead, I’ll ransom you, And make you an honest woman. For indeed I’m not yet master of my own affairs. I am so young, and kept so very strict. My son’s my guardian, such a cross-grained man, A cummin-splitting, mustard-scraping fellow. He’s so afraid that I should turn out badly, For I’m in truth his only father now. But here he runs. Belike he’s after us. Quick, little lady, hold these links an instant; And won’t I quiz him boyishly and well, As he did me before the initiation.
BDELYCLEON You there! you there! you old lascivious dotard! Enamoured, eh? ay of a fine ripe coffin. Oh, by Apollo, you shall smart for this!
PHILOCLEON Dear, dear, how keen to taste a suit in pickle!
BDELYCLEON No quizzing, sir, when you have filched away The flute-girl from our party.
PHILOCLEON Eh? what? flute-girl? You’re out of your mind, or out of your grave, or something.
BDELYCLEON Why, bless the fool, here’s Dardanis beside you!
PHILOCLEON What, this? why, this is a torch in the market-place!
BDELYCLEON A torch, man?
PHILOCLEON Clearly; pray observe the punctures.
BDELYCLEON Then what’s this black here, on the top of her head?
PHILOCLEON Oh, that’s the rosin, oozing while it burns.
BDELYCLEON Then this of course is not a woman’s arm?
PHILOCLEON Of course not; that’s a sprouting of the pine.
BDELYCLEON Sprouting be hanged. (To Dard.) You come along with me.
PHILOCLEON Hi! hi! what are you at?
BDELYCLEON Marching her off Out of your reach; a rotten, as I think, And impotent old man.
PHILOCLEON Now look ye here: Once, when surveying at the Olympian games, I saw how splendidly Ephudion fought With young Ascondas: saw the game old man Up with his fist, and knock the youngster down. So mind your eye, or you’ll be pummelled too.
BDELYCLEON Troth, you have learned Olympia to some purpose.
BAKING-GIRL Oh, there he is! Oh, pray stand by me now! There’s the old rascal who misused me so, Banged with his torch, and toppled down from here Bread worth ten obols, and four loaves to boot.
BDELYCLEON There now, you see; troubles and suits once more Your wine will bring us.
PHILOCLEON Troubles? Not at all. A merry tale or two sets these things right. I’ll soon set matters right with this young woman.
BAKING-GIRL No, by the Twain! you shan’t escape scot-free, Doing such damage to the goods of Myrtia, Sostrata’s daughter, and Anchylion’s, sir!
PHILOCLEON Listen, good woman: I am going to tell you A pleasant tale.
BAKING-GIRL Not me, by Zeus, sir, no!
PHILOCLEON At Aesop, as he walked one eve from supper, There yapped an impudent and drunken bitch. Then Aesop answered, O you bitch! you bitch! If in the stead of that ungodly tongue You’d buy some wheat, methinks you’d have more sense.
BAKING-GIRL Insult me too? I summon you before The Market Court for damage done my goods, And for my sompnour have this Chaerephon.
PHILOCLEON Nay, nay, but listen if I speak not fair. Simonides and Lasus once were rivals. Then Lasus says, Pish, I don’t care, says he.
BAKING-GIRL You will, sir, will you?
PHILOCLEON And you, Chaerephon, Are you her sompnour, you, like fear-blanched Ino Pendent before Euripides’s feet?
BDELYCLEON See, here’s another coming, as I live, To summon you: at least he has got his sompnour.
COMPLAINANT O dear! O dear! Old man, I summon you For outrage.
BDELYCLEON Outrage? no, by the Gods, pray don’t. I’ll make amends for everything he has done (Ask what you will), and thank you kindly too.
PHILOCLEON Nay, I’ll make friends myself without compulsion. I quite admit the assault and battery. So tell me which you’ll do; leave it to me To name the compensation I must pay To make us friends, or will you fix the sum?
COMPLAINANT Name it yourself: I want no suits nor troubles.
PHILOCLEON There was a man of Sybaris, do you know, Thrown from his carriage, and he cracked his skull, Quite badly too. Fact was, he could not drive. There was a friend of his stood by, and said, Let each man exercise the art he knows. So you, run off to Doctor Pittalus.
BDELYCLEON Ay, this is like the rest of your behaviour.
COMPLAINANT (To Bd.) You, sir, yourself, remember what he says.
PHILOCLEON Stop, listen. Once in Sybaris a girl Fractured a jug.
COMPLAINANT I call you, friend, to witness.
PHILOCLEON Just so the jug: it called a friend to witness, Then said the girl of Sybaris, By’r Lady, If you would leave off calling friends to witness, And buy a rivet, you would show more brains.
COMPLAINANT Jeer, till the Magistrate call on my case.
BDELYCLEON No, by Demeter, but you shan’t stop here, I’ll take and carry you—
PHILOCLEON What now!
BDELYCLEON What now? Carry you in: or soon there won’t be sompnours Enough for all your summoning complainants.
PHILOCLEON The Delphians once charged Aesop—
BDELYCLEON I don’t care.
PHILOCLEON With having filched a vessel of their God. But Aesop up and told them that a beetle—
BDELYCLEON Zounds! but I’ll finish you, beetles and all.
Cite This Text