PHILOCLEON Away, away, like a racer gay, I start at once from the head of the lists, To prove that no kinglier power than ours in any part of the world exists. Is there any creature on earth more blest, more feared and petted from day to day, Or that leads a happier, pleasanter life, than a Justice of Athens, though old and grey? For first when rising from bed in the morn, to the criminal Court betimes I trudge, Great six-foot fellows are there at the rails, in anxious haste to salute their Judge. And the delicate hand, which has dipped so deep in the public purse, he claps into mine, And he bows before me, and makes his prayer, and softens his voice to a pitiful whine: O pity me, pity me, Sire, he cries, if you ever indulged your longing for pelf, When you managed the mess on a far campaign, or served some office of state yourself. The man would never have heard my name, if he had not been tried and acquitted before.
BDELYCLEON (Writing) I’ll take a note of the point you make, that suppliant fellows your grace implore.
PHILOCLEON So when they have begged and implored me enough, and my angry temper is wiped away, I enter in and I take my seat, and then I do none of the things I say. I hear them utter all sorts of cries design’d expressly to win my grace, What won’t they utter, what don’t they urge, to coax a Justice who tries their case? Some vow they are needy and friendless men, and over their poverty wail and whine,
PHILOCLEON And reckon up hardships, false and true, till he makes them out to be equal to mine. Some tell us a legend of days gone by, or a joke from Aesop witty and sage, Or jest and banter, to make me laugh, that so I may doff my terrible rage. And if all this fails, and I stand unmoved, he leads by the hand his little ones near, He brings his girls and he brings his boys; and I, the Judge, am composed to hear. They huddle together with piteous bleats: while trembling above them he prays to me, Prays as to a God his accounts to pass, to give him a quittance, and leave him free. If thou lovest a bleating male of the flock, O lend thine ear to this boy of mine: Or pity this sweet little delicate girl, if thy soul delights in the squeaking of swine. So then we relax the pitch of our wrath, and screw it down to a peg more low. Is THIS not a fine dominion of mine, a derision of wealth with its pride and show?
BDELYCLEON (Writing) A second point for my note-book that, a derision of wealth with its show and its pride. Go on to mention the good you get by your empire of Hellas so vast and wide.
PHILOCLEON ’Tis ours to inspect the Athenian youths, when we enter their names on the rolls of men. And if ever Oeagrus gets into a suit, be sure that he’ll never get out again
PHILOCLEON Till he give us a speech from his Niobe part, selecting the best and the liveliest one. And then if a piper gain his cause, he pays us our price for the kindness done, By piping a tune with his mouth-band on, quick march as out of the Court we go. And what if a father by will to a friend his daughter and heiress bequeath and bestow, We care not a rap for the Will, or the cap which is there on the seal so grand and sedate, We bid them begone, and be hanged, and ourselves take charge of the girl and her worthy estate; And we give her away to whoever we choose, to whoever may chance to persuade us: yet we, Whilst other officials must pass an account, alone from control and accounting are free.
BDELYCLEON Ay that, and that only, of all you have said, I own is a privilege lucky and rare, But uncapping the seal of the heiress’s will seems rather a shabby and doubtful affair.
PHILOCLEON And if ever the Council or People have got a knotty and difficult case to decide, They pass a decree for the culprits to go to the able and popular Courts to be tried: Evathlus, and He! the loser of shields, the fawning, the great Cowardonymus? say “They’ll always be fighting away for the mob,” “the people of Athens they’ll never betray.” And none in the People a measure can pass, unless he propose that the Courts shall be free, Dismissed and discharged for the rest of the day when once we have settled a single decree.
PHILOCLEON Yea, Cleon the Bawler and Brawler himself, at us, and us only, to nibble forbears, And sweeps off the flies that annoy us, and still with a vigilant hand for our dignity cares. You never have shown such attention as this, or displayed such a zeal in your father’s affairs. Yet Theorus, a statesman as noble and grand as lordly Euphemius, runs at our call And whips out a sponge from his bottle, and stoops, to black and to polish the shoes of us all. Such, such is the glory, the joy, the renown, from which you desire to retain and withhold me, And THIS you will show, this Empire of mine, to be bondage and slavery merely, you told me.
BDELYCLEON Ay, chatter your fill, you will cease before long: and then I will show that your boasted success Is just the success of a tail that is washed, going back to its filth and its slovenliness.
PHILOCLEON But the nicest and pleasantest part of it all is this, which I’d wholly forgotten to say, ’Tis when with my fee in my wallet I come, returning home at the close of the day, O then what a welcome I get for its sake; my daughter, the darling, is foremost of all, And she washes my feet and anoints them with care, and above them she stoops, and a kiss lets fall, Till at last by the pretty Papas of her tongue she angles withal my three-obol away. Then my dear little wife, she sets on the board nice manchets of bread in a tempting array,
PHILOCLEON
And cosily taking a seat by my side, with loving entreaty constrains me to feed; I beseech you taste this, I implore you try that. This, this I delight in, and ne’er may I need To look to yourself and your pantler, a scrub who, whenever I ask him my breakfast to set, Keeps grumbling and murmuring under his breath. No! no! if he haste not a manchet to get, Lo here my defence from the evils of life, my armour of proof, my impregnable shield. And what if you pour me no liquor to drink, yet here’s an old Ass, full of wine, that I wield, And I tilt him, and pour for myself, and imbibe; whilst sturdy old Jack, as a bumper I drain, Lets fly at your goblet a bray of contempt, a mighty and masterful snort of disdain. Is THIS not a fine dominion of mine? Is it less than the empire of Zeus? Why the very same phrases, so grand and divine, For me, as for Him, are in use. For when we are raging loud and high In stormy, tumultuous din, O Lord! O Zeus! say the passers-by, How thunders the Court within! The wealthy and great, when my lightnings glare, Turn pale and sick, and mutter a prayer.” You fear me too: I protest you do: Yes, yes, by Demeter I vow ’tis true. But hang me if I am afraid of you.
CHORUS I never, no, I never Have heard so clear and clever And eloquent a speech—
PHILOCLEON Ay, ay, he thought he’d steal my grapes, and pluck them undefended, For well he knew that I’m in this particularly splendid.
CHORUS No topic he omitted, But he duly went through each. I waxed in size to hear him Till with ecstasy possessed Methought I sat a-judging In the Islands of the Blest.
PHILOCLEON See how uneasily he stands, and gapes, and shifts his ground. I warrant, sir, before I’ve done, you’ll look like a beaten hound.
CHORUS You must now, young man, be seeking Every turn and every twist Which can your defence assist. To a youth against me speaking Mine’s a heart ’tis hard to render (So you’ll find it) soft and tender. And therefore unless you can speak to the point, you must look for a millstone handy and good, Fresh hewn from the rock, to shiver and shock the unyielding grit of my resolute mood.
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