CHORUS What a thing it is to long for matters which are wrong! For you see how this old man Is seeking, if he can His creditors trepan: And I confidently say That he will this very day Such a blow Amid his prosperous cheats receive, that he will deeply deeply grieve. For I think that he has won what he wanted for his son, And the lad has learned the way All justice to gainsay, Be it what or where it may: That he’ll trump up any tale, Right or wrong, and so prevail. This I know. Yea! and perchance the time will come when he shall wish his son were dumb.
STREPSIADES Oh! Oh! Help! Murder! Help! O neighbours, kinsfolk, townsmen, Help, one and all, against this base assault, Ah! Ah! my cheek! my head! O luckless me! Wretch! do you strike your father?
PHEIDIPPIDES Yes, Papa.
STREPSIADES See! See! he owns he struck me.
PHEIDIPPIDES To be sure.
STREPSIADES Scoundrel! and parricide! and house-breaker!
PHEIDIPPIDES Thank you: go on, go on: do please go on. I am quite delighted to be called such names!
STREPSIADES O probed Adulterer.
PHEIDIPPIDES Roses from your lips.
STREPSIADES Strike you your father?
PHEIDIPPIDES O dear yes: what’s more, I’ll prove I struck you justly.
STREPSIADES Struck me justly! Villain! how can you strike a father justly?
PHEIDIPPIDES Yes, and I’ll demonstrate it, if you please.
STREPSIADES Demonstrate this?
PHEIDIPPIDES O yes, quite easily. Come, take your choice, which Logic do you choose?
STREPSIADES Which what?
PHEIDIPPIDES Logic: the Better or the Worse?
STREPSIADES Ah, then, in very truth I’ve had you taught To reason down all Justice, if you think You can prove this, that it is just and right That fathers should be beaten by their sons!
PHEIDIPPIDES Well, well, I think I’ll prove it, if you’ll listen, So that even you won’t have one word to answer.
STREPSIADES Come, I should like to hear what you’ve to say.
CHORUS ’Tis yours, old man, some method to contrive This fight to win: He would not without arms wherewith to strive So bold have been. He knows, be sure, whereon to trust. His eager bearing proves he must. So come and tell us from what cause this sad dispute began; Come, tell us how it first arose: do tell us if you can,
STREPSIADES Well from the very first I will the whole contention show ’Twas when I went into the house to feast him, as you know, I bade him bring his lyre and sing, the supper to adorn, Some lay of old Simonides, as, how the Ram was shorn: But he replied, to sing at meals was coarse and obsolete; Like some old beldame humming airs the while she grinds her wheat.
PHEIDIPPIDES And should you not be thrashed who told your son, from food abstaining To sing! as though you were, forsooth cicalas entertaining.
STREPSIADES You hear him! so he said just now or e’er high words began: And next he called Simonides a very sorry man. And when I heard him, I could scarce my rising wrath command; Yet so I did, and him I bid take myrtle in his hand And chant some lines from Aeschylus, but he replied with ire, “Believe me, I’m not one of those who Aeschylus admire, That rough, unpolished, turgid bard, that mouther of bombast!” When he said this, my heart began to heave extremely fast Yet still I kept my passion down, and said, “Then prithee you,
STREPSIADES Sing one of those new-fangled songs which modern striplings do. And he began the shameful tale Euripides has told How a brother and a sister lived incestuous lives of old. Then, then I could no more restrain, but first I must confess With strong abuse I loaded him, and so, as you may guess, We stormed and bandied threat for threat: till out at last he flew, And smashed and thrashed and thumped and bumped and bruised me black and blue.
PHEIDIPPIDES And rightly too, who coolly dared Euripides to blame, Most sapient bard.
STREPSIADES Most sapient bard! you, what’s your fitting name? Ah! but he’ll pummel me again.
PHEIDIPPIDES He will: and justly too.
STREPSIADES What! justly, heartless villain! when ’twas I who nurtured you. I knew your little lisping ways, how soon, you’d hardly think, If you cried “bree!” I guessed your wants, and used to give you drink: If you said “mamm!” I fetched you bread with fond discernment true, And you could hardly say “Cacea!” when through the door I flew And held you out a full arm’s length your little needs to do:
STREPSIADES But now when I was crying That I with pain was dying, You brute! you would not tarry Me out of doors to carry, But choking with despair I’ve been and done it there. Sure all young hearts are palpitating now To hear him plead, Since if those lips with artful words avow The daring deed, And once a favouring verdict win, A fig for every old man’s skin. O thou! who rakest up new thoughts with daring hands profane, Try all you can, ingenious man, that verdict to obtain.
PHEIDIPPIDES How sweet it is these novel arts, these clever words to know, And have the power established rules and laws to overthrow. Why in old times when horses were my sole delight, ’twas wonder If I could say a dozen words without some awful blunder! But now that he has made me quit that reckless mode of living, And I have been to subtle thoughts my whole attention giving, I hope to prove by logic strict ’tis right to beat my father.
STREPSIADES O! buy your horses back, by Zeus, since I would ten times rather Have to support a four-in-hand, so I be struck no more.
PHEIDIPPIDES Peace. I will now resume the thread where I broke off before. And first I ask: when I was young, did you not strike me then?
STREPSIADES Yea: for I loved and cherished you.
PHEIDIPPIDES Well, solve me this again, Is it not just that I your son should cherish you alike, And strike you, since, as you observe, to cherish means to strike? What! must my body needs be scourged and pounded black and blue And yours be scathless? was not I as much freeborn as you? “Children are whipped, and shall not sires be whipped? Perhaps you’ll urge that children’s minds alone are taught by blows:— Well: Age is Second Childhood then: that everybody knows. And as by old experience Age should guide its steps more clearly, So when they err, they surely should be punished more severely.
STREPSIADES But Law goes everywhere for me: deny it, if you can.
PHEIDIPPIDES Well was not he who made the law, a man, a mortal man, As you or I, who in old times talked over all the crowd? And think you that to you or me the same is not allowed, To change it, so that sons by blows should keep their fathers steady?
PHEIDIPPIDES Still, we’ll be liberal, and blows which we’ve received already We will forget, we’ll have no ex-post-facto legislation. —Look at the game-cocks, look at all the animal creation, Do not they beat their parents? Aye: I say then, that in fact They are as we, except that they no special laws enact.
STREPSIADES Why don’t you then, if always where the game-cock leads you follow, Ascend your perch to roost at night, and dirt and ordure swallow?
PHEIDIPPIDES The case is different there, old man, as Socrates would see.
STREPSIADES Well then you’ll blame yourself at last, if you keep striking me.
PHEIDIPPIDES How so?
STREPSIADES Why, if it’s right for me to punish you my son, You can, if you have got one, yours. Aye, but suppose I’ve none. Then having gulled me you will die, while I’ve been flogged in vain. Good friends! I really think he has some reason to complain. I must concede he has put the case in quite a novel light: I really think we should be flogged unless we act aright!
PHEIDIPPIDES Look to a fresh idea then.
STREPSIADES He’ll be my death I vow.
PHEIDIPPIDES Yet then perhaps you will not grudge ev’n what you suffer now.
STREPSIADES How! will you make me like the blows which I’ve received to-day?
PHEIDIPPIDES Yes, for I’ll beat my mother too.
STREPSIADES What! What is that you say! Why, this is worse than all.
PHEIDIPPIDES But what, if as I proved the other, By the same Logic I can prove ’tis right to beat my mother?
STREPSIADES Aye! what indeed! if this you plead, If this you think to win, Why then, for all I care, you may To the Accursed Pit convey Yourself with all your learning new, Your master, and your Logic too, And tumble headlong in. O Clouds! O Clouds! I owe all this to you! Why did I let you manage my affairs!
CHORUS Nay, nay, old man, you owe it to yourself. Why didst thou turn to wicked practices?
STREPSIADES Ah, but ye should have asked me that before, And not have spurred a poor old fool to evil.
CHORUS Such is our plan. We find a man On evil thoughts intent, Guide him along to shame and wrong, Then leave him to repent.
STREPSIADES Hard words, alas! yet not more hard than just. It was not right unfairly to keep back The money that I borrowed. Come, my darling, Come and destroy that filthy Chaerephon And Socrates; for they’ve deceived us both!
PHEIDIPPIDES No. I will lift no hand against my Tutors.
STREPSIADES Yes do, come, reverence Paternal Zeus.
PHEIDIPPIDES Look there! Paternal Zeus! what an old fool. Is there a Zeus?
STREPSIADES There is.
PHEIDIPPIDES There is no Zeus. Young Vortex reigns, and he has turned out Zeus.
STREPSIADES No Vortex reigns: that was my foolish thought All through this vortex here. Fool that I was, To think a piece of earthenware a God.
PHEIDIPPIDES Well, rave away, talk nonsense to yourself.
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