STREPSIADES This then will I do, confiding in you, for Necessity presses me sore, And so sad is my life,’twixt my cobs and my wife, that I cannot put up with it more. So now, at your word, I give and afford My body to these, to treat as they please, To have and to hold, in squalor, in cold, In hunger and thirst, yea by Zeus, at the worst, To be flayed out of shape from my heels to my nape So along with my hide from my duns I escape, And to men may appear without conscience or fear, Bold, hasty, and wise, a concocter of lies, A rattler to speak, a dodger, a sneak, A régular claw of the tables of law, A shuffler complete, well worn in deceit, A supple, unprincipled, troublesome cheat; A hang-dog accurst, a bore with the worst, In the tricks of the jury-courts thoroughly versed. If all that I meet this praise shall repeat, Work away as you choose, I will nothing refuse, Without any reserve, from my head to my shoes. You shan’t see me wince though my gutlets you mince, And these entrails of mine for a sausage combine, Served up for the gentlemen students to dine.
CHORUS Here’s a spirit bold and high Ready-armed for any strife. (To Strepsiades) If you learn what I can teach Of the mysteries of speech, Your glory soon shall reach To the summit of the sky.
STREPSIADES And what am I to gain?
CHORUS With the Clouds you will obtain The most happy, the most enviable life.
STREPSIADES Is it possible for me Such felicity to see?
CHORUS Yes, and men shall come and wait In their thousands at your gate, Desiring consultations and advice On an action or a pleading From the man of light and leading, And you’ll pocket many talents in a trice. (To Socrates) Here, take the old man, and do all that you can, your new-fashioned thoughts to instil, And stir up his mind with your notions refined, and test him with judgement and skill.
SOCRATES Come now, you tell me something of your habits: For if I don’t know them, I can’t determine What engines I must bring to bear upon you.
STREPSIADES Eh! what? Not going to storm me, by the Gods?
SOCRATES No, no: I want to ask you a few questions. First: is your memory good?
STREPSIADES Two ways, by Zeus; If I’m owed anything, I’m mindful, very: But if I owe, (Oh, dear!) forgetful, very.
SOCRATES Well then: have you the gift of speaking in you?
STREPSIADES The gift of speaking, no: of cheating, yes.
SOCRATES No? how then can you learn?
STREPSIADES Oh, well enough.
SOCRATES Then when I throw you out some clever notion. About the laws of nature, you must catch it.
STREPSIADES What! must I snap up sapience, in dog-fashion?
SOCRATES Oh! why the man’s an ignorant old savage: I fear, my friend, that you’ll require the whip.
SOCRATES Come, if one strikes you, what do you do?
STREPSIADES I’m struck: Then in a little while I call my witness: Then in another little while I summon him.
SOCRATES Put off your cloak.
STREPSIADES Why, what have I done wrong?
SOCRATES O, nothing, nothing: all go in here naked.
STREPSIADES Well, but I have not come with a search-warrant.
SOCRATES Fool! throw it off.
STREPSIADES Well, tell me this-one thing; If I’m extremely careful and attentive, Which of your students shall I most resemble?
SOCRATES Why, Chaerephon. You’ll be his very image.
STREPSIADES What! I shall be half-dead! O luckless me!
SOCRATES Don’t chatter there, but come and follow me; Make haste now, quicker, here:
STREPSIADES Oh, but do first Give me a honied cake: Zeus! how I tremble, To go down there, as if to see Trophonius.
SOCRATES Go on! why keep you pottering round the door?
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