Μένιππος ἐπεὶ δὲ ἦμεν ἐν τῷ σκότῳ, προῄει μὲν ὁ Μιθροβαρζάνης, εἱπόμην δὲ ἐγὼ κατόπιν ἐχόμενος αὐτοῦ, ἕως πρὸς λειμῶνα μέγιστον ἀφικνούμεθα τῷ ἀσφοδέλῳ κατάφυτον, ἔνθα δὴ περιεπέτοντο ἡμᾶς τετριγυῖαι τῶν νεκρῶν αἱ σκιαί. κατʼ ὀλίγον δὲ προϊόντες παραγιγνόμεθα πρὸς τὸ τοῦ Μίνωος δικαστήριον· ἐτύγχανε δὲ ὁ μὲν ἐπὶ θρόνου τινὸς ὑψηλοῦ καθήμενος, παρειστήκεσαν δὲ αὐτῷ Ποιναὶ καὶ Ἐρινύες καὶ Ἀλάστορες. ἑτέρωθεν δὲ προσήγοντο πολλοί τινες ἐφεξῆς, ἁλύσει μακρᾷ δεδεμένοι· ἐλέγοντο δὲ εἶναι μοιχοὶ καὶ πορνοβοσκοὶ καὶ τελῶναι καὶ κόλακες καὶ συκοφάνται καὶ τοιοῦτος ὅμιλος τῶν πάντα κυκώντων ἐν τῷ βίῳ. χωρὶς δὲ οἵ τε πλούσιοι καὶ τοκογλύφοι προσῄεσαν ὠχροὶ καὶ προγάστορες καὶ ποδαγροί, κλοιὸν ἕκαστος αὐτῶν καὶ κόρακα διτάλαντον ἐπικείμενος. ἐφεστῶτες οὖν ἡμεῖς ἑωρῶμέν τε τὰ γιγνόμενα καὶ ἠκούομεν τῶν ἀπολογουμένων· κατηγόρουν δὲ αὐτῶν καινοί τινες καὶ παράδοξοι ῥήτορες.
Φίλος τίνες οὗτοι, πρὸς Διός; μὴ γὰρ ὀκνήσῃς καὶ τοῦτο εἰπεῖν.
Μένιππος οἶσθά που ταυτασὶ τὰς πρὸς τὸν ἥλιον ἀποτελουμένας σκιὰς ὑπὸ τῶν σωμάτων;
Φίλος πάνυ μὲν οὖν.
Μένιππος αὗται τοίνυν, ἐπειδὰν ἀποθάνωμεν, κατηγοροῦσί τε καὶ καταμαρτυροῦσι καὶ διελέγχουσι τὰ πεπραγμένα ἡμῖν παρὰ τὸν βίον, καὶ σφόδρα τινὲς ἀξιόπιστοι δοκοῦσιν ἅτε ἀεὶ συνοῦσαι καὶ μηδέποτε ἀφιστάμεναι τῶν σωμάτων.
Μένιππος ὁ δʼ οὖν Μίνως ἐπιμελῶς ἐξετάζων ἀπέπεμπεν ἕκαστον εἰς τὸν τῶν ἀσεβῶν χῶρον δίκην ὑφέξοντα κατʼ ἀξίαν τῶν τετολμημένων, καὶ μάλιστα ἐκείνων ἥπτετο τῶν ἐπὶ πλούτοις τε καὶ ἀρχαῖς τετυφωμένων καὶ μονονουχὶ καὶ προσκυνεῖσθαι περιμενόντων, τήν τε ὀλιγοχρόνιον ἀλαζονείαν αὐτῶν καὶ τὴν ὑπεροψίαν μυσαττόμενος, καὶ ὅτι μὴ ἐμέμνηντο θνητοί τε ὄντες αὐτοὶ καὶ θνητῶν ἀγαθῶν τετυχηκότες. οἳ δὲ ἀποδυσάμενοι τὰ λαμπρὰ ἐκεῖνα πάντα, πλούτους λέγω καὶ γένη καὶ δυναστείας, γυμνοὶ κάτω νενευκότες παρειστήκεσαν ὥσπερ τινὰ ὄνειρον ἀναπεμπαζόμενοι τὴν παρʼ ἡμῖν εὐδαιμονίαν· ὥστʼ ἔγωγε ταῦτα ὁρῶν ὑπερέχαιρον καὶ εἴ τινα γνωρίσαιμι αὐτῶν, προσιὼν ἂν ἡσυχῇ πως ὑπεμίμνησκον οἷος ἦν παρὰ τὸν βίον καὶ ἡλίκον ἐφύσα τότε, ἡνίκα πολλοὶ μὲν ἕωθεν ἐπὶ τῶν πυλώνων παρειστήκεσαν τὴν πρόοδον αὐτοῦ περιμένοντες ὠθούμενοί τε καὶ ἀποκλειόμενοι πρὸς τῶν οἰκετῶν· ὁ δὲ μόλις ἄν ποτε ἀνατείλας αὐτοῖς πορφυροῦς τις ἢ περίχρυσος ἢ διαποίκιλος εὐδαίμονας ᾤετο καὶ μακαρίους ἀποφαίνειν τοὺς προσειπόντας, εἰ τὸ στῆθος ἢ τὴν δεξιὰν προτείνων δοίη καταφιλεῖν. ἐκεῖνοι μὲν οὖν ἠνιῶντο ἀκούοντες.
We were now in darkness; so Mithrobarzanes led the way, and I followed holding on to him, until we reached a great meadow of asphodel, where the shades of the dead, with their thin voices, came flitting round us. Working gradually on, we reached the court of Minos; he was sitting on a high throne, with the Poenae, Avengers, and Erinyes standing at the sides. From another direction was being brought a long row of persons chained together; I heard that they were adulterers, procurers, publicans, sycophants, informers, and all the filth that pollutes the stream of life. Separate from them came the rich and usurers, pale, pot-bellied, and gouty, each with a hundredweight of spiked collar upon him. There we stood looking at the proceedings and listening to the pleas they put in; their accusers were orators of a strange and novel species.
PHILONIDES Who, in God’s name? shrink not; let me know all.
MENIPPUS It has not escaped your observation that the sun projects certain shadows of our bodies on the ground.
PHILONIDES How should it have?
MENIPPUS These, when we die, are the prosecutors and witnesses who bring home to us our conduct on earth; their constant attendance and absolute attachment to our persons secures them high credit in the witness-box.
Well, Minos carefully examined each prisoner, and sent him off to the place of the wicked to receive punishment proportionate to his transgressions. He was especially severe upon those who, puffed up with wealth and authority, were expecting an almost reverential treatment; he could not away with their ephemeral presumption and superciliousness, their failure to realize the mortality of themselves and their fortunes. Stripped of all that made them glorious, of wealth and birth and power, there they stood naked and downcast, reconstructing their worldly blessedness in their minds like a dream that is gone; the spectacle was meat and drink to me; any that I knew by sight I would come quietly up to, and remind him of his state up here; what a spirit had his been, when morning crowds lined his hall, expectant of his coming, being jostled or thrust out by lacqueys! at last my lord Sun would dawn upon them, in purple or gold or rainbow hues, not unconscious of the bliss he shed upon those who approached, if he let them kiss his breast or his hand. These reminders seemed to annoy them.
Μένιππος τῷ δὲ Μίνῳ μία τις καὶ πρὸς χάριν ἐδικάσθη· τὸν γάρ τοι Σικελιώτην Διονύσιον πολλά γε καὶ δεινὰ καὶ ἀνόσια ὑπό τε Δίωνος κατηγορηθέντα καὶ ὑπὸ τῆς σκιᾶς καταμαρτυρηθέντα παρελθὼν Ἀρίστιππος ὁ Κυρηναῖος — ἄγουσι δʼ αὐτὸν ἐν τιμῇ καὶ δύναται μέγιστον ἐν τοῖς κάτω — μικροῦ δεῖν τῇ Χιμαίρᾳ προσδεθέντα παρέλυσε τῆς καταδίκης λέγων πολλοῖς αὐτὸν τῶν πεπαιδευμένων πρὸς ἀργύριον γενέσθαι δεξιόν.
Μένιππος ἀποστάντες δὲ ὅμως τοῦ δικαστηρίου πρὸς τὸ κολαστήριον ἀφικνούμεθα. ἔνθα δή, ὦ φιλότης, πολλὰ καὶ ἐλεεινὰ ἦν καὶ ἀκοῦσαι καὶ ἰδεῖν· μαστίγων τε γὰρ ὁμοῦ ψόφος ἠκούετο καὶ οἰμωγὴ τῶν ἐπὶ τοῦ πυρὸς ὀπτωμένων καὶ στρέβλαι καὶ κύφωνες καὶ τροχοί, καὶ ἡ Χίμαιρα ἐσπάραττεν καὶ ὁ Κέρβερος ἐδάρδαπτεν. ἐκολάζοντό τε ἅμα πάντες, βασιλεῖς, δοῦλοι, σατράπαι, πένητες, πλούσιοι, πτωχοί, καὶ μετέμελε πᾶσι τῶν τετολμημένων. ἐνίους δὲ αὐτῶν καὶ ἐγνωρίσαμεν ἰδόντες, ὁπόσοι ἦσαν τῶν ἔναγχος τετελευτηκότων· οἱ δὲ ἐνεκαλύπτοντό τε καὶ ἀπεστρέφοντο, εἰ δὲ καὶ προσβλέποιεν, μάλα δουλοπρεπές τι καὶ κολακευτικόν, καὶ ταῦτα πῶς οἴει βαρεῖς ὄντες καὶ ὑπερόπται παρὰ τὸν βίον; τοῖς μέντοι πένησιν ἡμιτέλεια τῶν κακῶν ἐδίδοτο, καὶ διαναπαυόμενοι πάλιν ἐκολάζοντο. καὶ μὴν κἀκεῖνα εἶδον τὰ μυθώδη, τὸν Ἰξίονα καὶ τὸν Σίσυφον καὶ τὸν Φρύγα Τάνταλον, χαλεπῶς γε ἔχοντα, καὶ τὸν γηγενῆ Τιτυόν, Ἡράκλεις ὅσος· ἔκειτο γοῦν τόπον ἐπέχων ἀγροῦ.
Μένιππος διελθόντες δὲ καὶ τούτους εἰς τὸ πεδίον εἰσβάλλομεν τὸ Ἀχερούσιον, εὑρίσκομέν τε αὐτόθι τοὺς ἡμιθέους τε καὶ τὰς ἡρωΐνας καὶ τὸν ἄλλον ὅμιλον τῶν νεκρῶν κατὰ ἔθνη καὶ κατὰ φῦλα διαιτωμένους, τοὺς μὲν παλαιούς τινας καὶ εὐρωτιῶντας καὶ ὥς φησιν Ὅμηρος, ἀμενηνούς, τοὺς δʼ ἔτι νεαλεῖς καὶ συνεστηκότας, καὶ μάλιστα τοὺς Αἰγυπτίους αὐτῶν διὰ τὸ πολυαρκὲς τῆς ταριχείας. τὸ μέντοι διαγιγνώσκειν ἕκαστον οὐ πάνυ τι ἦν ῥᾴδιον· ἅπαντες γὰρ ἀτεχνῶς ἀλλήλοις γίγνονται ὅμοιοι τῶν ὀστῶν γεγυμνωμένων. πλὴν ἀλλὰ μόγις τε καὶ διὰ πολλοῦ ἀναθεωροῦντες αὐτοὺς ἐγιγνώσκομεν. ἔκειντο δʼ ἐπʼ ἀλλήλοις ἀμαυροὶ καὶ ἄσημοι καὶ οὐδὲν ἔτι τῶν παρʼ ἡμῖν καλῶν φυλάττοντες. ἀμέλει πολλῶν ἐν ταὐτῷ σκελετῶν κειμένων καὶ πάντων ὁμοίως φοβερόν τι καὶ διάκενον δεδορκότων καὶ γυμνοὺς τοὺς ὀδόντας προφαινόντων, ἠπόρουν πρὸς ἐμαυτὸν ᾧτινι διακρίναιμι τὸν Θερσίτην ἀπὸ τοῦ καλοῦ Νιρέως ἢ τὸν μεταίτην Ἶρον ἀπὸ τοῦ Φαιάκων βασιλέως ἢ Πυρρίαν τὸν μάγειρον ἀπὸ τοῦ Ἀγαμέμνονος. οὐδὲν γὰρ ἔτι τῶν παλαιῶν γνωρισμάτων αὐτοῖς παρέμενεν, ἀλλʼ ὅμοια τὰ ὀστᾶ ἦν, ἄδηλα καὶ ἀνεπίγραφα καὶ ὑπʼ οὐδενὸς ἔτι διακρίνεσθαι δυνάμενα.
Minos, however, did allow his decision to be influenced in one case. Dionysius of Syracuse was accused by Dion of many unholy deeds, and damning evidence was produced by his shadow; he was on the point of being chained to the Chimera, when Aristippus of Cyrene, whose name and influence are great below, got him off on the ground of his constant generosity as a patron of literature.
We left the court at last, and came to the place of punishment. Many a piteous sight and sound was there—cracking of whips, shrieks of the burning, rack and gibbet and wheel; Chimera tearing, Cerberus devouring; all tortured together, kings and slaves, governors and paupers, rich and beggars, and all repenting their sins. A few of them, the lately dead, we recognized. These would turn away and shrink from observation; or if they met our eyes, it would be with a slavish cringing glance—how different from the arrogance and contempt that had marked them in life! The poor were allowed half-time in their tortures, respite and punishment alternating. Those with whom legend is so busy I saw with my eyes—Ixion, Sisyphus, the Phrygian Tantalus in all his misery, and the giant Tityus—how vast, his bulk covering a whole field!
Leaving these, we entered the Acherusian plain, and there found the demi-gods, men and women both, and the common dead, dwelling in their nations and tribes, some of them ancient and mouldering, ‘strengthless heads,’ as Homer has it, others fresh, with substance yet in them, Egyptians chiefly, these—so long last their embalming drugs. But to know one from another was no easy task; all are so like when the bones are bared; yet with pains and long scrutiny we could make them out. They lay pell-mell in undistinguished heaps, with none of their earthly beauties left. With all those anatomies piled together as like as could be, eyes glaring ghastly and vacant, teeth gleaming bare, I knew not how to tell Thersites from Nireus the beauty, beggar Irus from the Phaeacian king, or cook Pyrrhias from Agamemnon’s self. Their ancient marks were gone, and their bones alike—uncertain, unlabelled, indistinguishable.
Μένιππος τοιγάρτοι ἐκεῖνα ὁρῶντί μοι ἐδόκει ὁ τῶν ἀνθρώπων βίος πομπῇ τινι μακρᾷ προσεοικέναι, χορηγεῖν δὲ καὶ διατάττειν ἕκαστα ἡ Τύχη, διάφορα καὶ ποικίλα τοῖς πομπευταῖς τὰ σχήματα προσάπτουσα· τὸν μὲν γὰρ λαβοῦσα, εἰ τύχοι, βασιλικῶς διεσκεύασεν, τιάραν τε ἐπιθεῖσα καὶ δορυφόρους παραδοῦσα καὶ τὴν κεφαλὴν στέψασα τῷ διαδήματι, τῷ δὲ οἰκέτου σχῆμα περιέθηκεν· τὸν δέ τινα καλὸν εἶναι ἐκόσμησεν, τὸν δὲ ἄμορφον καὶ γελοῖον παρεσκεύασεν· παντοδαπὴν γάρ, οἶμαι, δεῖ γενέσθαι τὴν θέαν. πολλάκις δὲ καὶ διὰ μέσης τῆς πομπῆς μετέβαλε τὰ ἐνίων σχήματα οὐκ ἐῶσα εἰς τέλος διαπομπεῦσαι ὡς ἐτάχθησαν, ἀλλὰ μεταμφιέσασα τὸν μὲν Κροῖσον ἠνάγκασε τὴν τοῦ οἰκέτου καὶ αἰχμαλώτου σκευὴν ἀναλαβεῖν, τὸν δὲ Μαιάνδριον τέως ἐν τοῖς οἰκέταις πομπεύοντα τὴν τοῦ Πολυκράτους τυραννίδα μετενέδυσε. καὶ μέχρι μέν τινος εἴασε χρῆσθαι τῷ σχήματι· ἐπειδὰν δὲ ὁ τῆς πομπῆς καιρὸς παρέλθῃ, τηνικαῦτα ἕκαστος ἀποδοὺς τὴν σκευὴν καὶ ἀποδυσάμενος τὸ σχῆμα μετὰ τοῦ σώματος ἐγένετο οἷόσπερ ἦν πρὸ τοῦ γενέσθαι, μηδὲν τοῦ πλησίον διαφέρων. ἔνιοι δὲ ὑπʼ ἀγνωμοσύνης, ἐπειδὰν ἀπαιτῇ τὸν κόσμον ἐπιστᾶσα ἡ Τύχη, ἄχθονταί τε καὶ ἀγανακτοῦσιν ὥσπερ οἰκείων τινῶν στερισκόμενοι καὶ οὐχ ἃ πρὸς ὀλίγον ἐχρήσαντο ἀποδιδόντες. οἶμαι δέ σε καὶ τῶν ἐπὶ τῆς σκηνῆς πολλάκις ἑωρακέναι τοὺς τραγικοὺς ὑποκριτὰς τούτους πρὸς τὰς χρείας τῶν δραμάτων ἄρτι μὲν Κρέοντας, ἐνίοτε δὲ Πριάμους γιγνομένους ἢ Ἀγαμέμνονας, καὶ ὁ αὐτός, εἰ τύχοι, μικρὸν ἔμπροσθεν μάλα σεμνῶς τὸ τοῦ Κέκροπος ἢ Ἐρεχθέως σχῆμα μιμησάμενος μετʼ ὀλίγον οἰκέτης προῆλθεν ὑπὸ τοῦ ποιητοῦ κεκελευσμένος. ἤδη δὲ πέρας ἔχοντος τοῦ δράματος ἀποδυσάμενος ἕκαστος αὐτῶν τὴν χρυσόπαστον ἐκείνην ἐσθῆτα καὶ τὸ προσωπεῖον ἀποθέμενος καὶ καταβὰς ἀπὸ τῶν ἐμβατῶν πένης καὶ ταπεινὸς περίεισιν, οὐκέτʼ Ἀγαμέμνων ὁ Ἀτρέως οὐδὲ Κρέων ὁ Μενοικέως, ἀλλὰ Πῶλος Χαρικλέους Σουνιεὺς ὀνομαζόμενος ἢ Σάτυρος Θεογείτονος Μαραθώνιος. τοιαῦτα καὶ τὰ τῶν ἀνθρώπων πράγματά ἐστιν, ὡς τότε μοι ὁρῶντι ἔδοξεν.
Φίλος εἰπέ μοι, ὦ Μένιππε, οἱ δὲ τοὺς πολυτελεῖς τούτους καὶ ὑψηλοὺς τάφους ἔχοντες ὑπὲρ γῆς καὶ στήλας καὶ εἰκόνας καὶ ἐπιγράμματα οὐδὲν τιμιώτεροι παρʼ αὐτοῖς εἰσι τῶν ἰδιωτῶν νεκρῶν;
Μένιππος ληρεῖς, ὦ οὗτος· εἰ γοῦν ἐθεάσω τὸν Μαύσωλον αὐτόν, — λέγω δὲ τὸν Κᾶρα, τὸν ἐκ τοῦ τάφου περιβόητον — εὖ οἶδα ὅτι οὐκ ἂν ἐπαύσω γελῶν, οὕτω ταπεινὸς ἔρριπτο ἐν παραβύστῳ που λανθάνων ἐν τῷ λοιπῷ δήμῳ τῶν νεκρῶν, ἐμοὶ δοκεῖν, τοσοῦτον ἀπολαύων τοῦ μνήματος, παρʼ ὅσον ἐβαρύνετο τηλικοῦτον ἄχθος ἐπικείμενος· ἐπειδὰν γάρ, ὦ ἑταῖρε, ὁ Αἰακὸς ἀπομετρήσῃ ἑκάστῳ τὸν τόπον, — δίδωσι δὲ τὸ μέγιστον οὐ πλέον ποδός — ἀνάγκη ἀγαπῶντα κατακεῖσθαι πρὸς τὸ μέτρον συνεσταλμένον. πολλῷ δʼ ἂν οἶμαι μᾶλλον ἐγέλασας, εἰ ἐθεάσω τοὺς παρʼ ἡμῖν βασιλέας καὶ σατράπας πτωχεύοντας παρʼ αὐτοῖς καὶ ἤτοι ταριχοπωλοῦντας ὑπʼ ἀπορίας ἢ τὰ πρῶτα διδάσκοντας γράμματα καὶ ὑπὸ τοῦ τυχόντος ὑβριζομένους καὶ κατὰ κόρρης παιομένους ὥσπερ τῶν ἀνδραπόδων τὰ ἀτιμότατα. Φίλιππον γοῦν τὸν Μακεδόνα ἐγὼ θεασάμενος οὐδὲ κρατεῖν ἐμαυτοῦ δυνατὸς ἦν· ἐδείχθη δέ μοι ἐν γωνίᾳ τινὶ μισθοῦ ἀκούμενος τὰ σαθρὰ τῶν ὑποδημάτων. πολλοὺς δὲ καὶ ἄλλους ἦν ἰδεῖν ἐν ταῖς τριόδοις μεταιτοῦντας, Ξέρξας λέγω καὶ Δαρείους καὶ Πολυκράτας.
When I saw all this, the life of man came before me under the likeness of a great pageant, arranged and marshalled by Chance, who distributed infinitely varied costumes to the performers. She would take one and array him like a king, with tiara, bodyguard, and crown complete; another she dressed like a slave; one was adorned with beauty, another got up as a ridiculous hunchback; there must be all kinds in the show. Often before the procession was over she made individuals exchange characters; they could not be allowed to keep the same to the end; Croesus must double parts and appear as slave and captive; Maeandrius, starting as slave, would take over Polycrates’s despotism, and be allowed to keep his new clothes for a little while. And when the procession is done, every one disrobes, gives up his character with his body, and appears, as he originally was, just like his neighbour. Some, when Chance comes round collecting the properties, are silly enough to sulk and protest, as though they were being robbed of their own instead of only returning loans. You know the kind of thing on the stage—tragic actors shifting as the play requires from Creon to Priam, from Priam to Agamemnon; the same man, very likely, whom you saw just now in all the majesty of Cecrops or Erechtheus, treads the boards next as a slave, because the author tells him to. The play over, each of them throws off his gold-spangled robe and his mask, descends from the buskin’s height, and moves a mean ordinary creature; his name is not now Agamemnon son of Atreus or Creon son of Menoeceus, but Polus son of Charicles of Sunium or Satyrus son of Theogiton of Marathon. Such is the condition of mankind, or so that sight presented it to me.
PHILONIDES Now, if a man occupies a costly towering sepulchre, or leaves monuments, statues, inscriptions behind him on earth, does not this place him in a class above the common dead?
MENIPPUS Nonsense, my good man; if you had looked on Mausolus himself—the Carian so famous for his tomb—, I assure you, you would never have stopped laughing; he was a miserable unconsidered unit among the general mass of the dead, flung aside in a dusty hole, with no profit of his sepulchre but its extra weight upon him. No, friend, when Aeacus gives a man his allowance of space—and it never exceeds a foot’s breadth—, he must be content to pack himself into its limits. You might have laughed still more if you had beheld the kings and governors of earth begging in Hades, selling salt fish for a living, it might be, or giving elementary lessons, insulted by any one who met them, and cuffed like the most worthless of slaves. When I saw Philip of Macedon, I could not contain myself; some one showed him to me cobbling old shoes for money in a corner. Many others were to be seen begging—people like Xerxes, Darius, or Polycrates.
Φίλος ἄτοπα διηγῇ τὰ περὶ τῶν βασιλέων καὶ μικροῦ δεῖν ἄπιστα. τί δὲ ὁ Σωκράτης ἔπραττεν καὶ Διογένης καὶ εἴ τις ἄλλος τῶν σοφῶν;
Μένιππος ὁ μὲν Σωκράτης κἀκεῖ περίεισιν διελέγχων ἅπαντας· σύνεστι δʼ αὐτῷ Παλαμήδης καὶ Ὀδυσσεὺς καὶ Νέστωρ καὶ εἴ τις ἄλλος λάλος νεκρός. ἔτι μέντοι ἐπεφύσητο αὐτῷ καὶ διῳδήκει ἐκ τῆς φαρμακοποσίας τὰ σκέλη. ὁ δὲ βέλτιστος Διογένης παροικεῖ μὲν Σαρδαναπάλλῳ τῷ Ἀσσυρίῳ καὶ Μίδᾳ τῷ Φρυγὶ καὶ ἄλλοις τισὶ τῶν πολυτελῶν· ἀκούων δὲ οἰμωζόντων αὐτῶν καὶ τὴν παλαιὰν τύχην ἀναμετρουμένων γελᾷ τε καὶ τέρπεται, καὶ τὰ πολλὰ ὕπτιος κατακείμενος ᾄδει μάλα τραχείᾳ καὶ ἀπηνεῖ τῇ φωνῇ τὰς οἰμωγὰς αὐτῶν ἐπικαλύπτων, ὥστε ἀνιᾶσθαι τοὺς ἄνδρας καὶ διασκέπτεσθαι μετοικεῖν οὐ φέροντας τὸν Διογένην.
Φίλος ταυτὶ μὲν ἱκανῶς· τί δὲ τὸ ψήφισμα ἦν, ὅπερ ἐν ἀρχῇ ἔλεγες κεκυρῶσθαι κατὰ τῶν πλουσίων;
Μένιππος εὖ γε ὑπέμνησας· οὐ γὰρ οἶδʼ ὅπως περὶ τούτου λέγειν προθέμενος πάμπολυ ἀπεπλανήθην τοῦ λόγου.
διατρίβοντος γάρ μου παρʼ αὐτοῖς προὔθεσαν οἱ πρυτάνεις ἐκκλησίαν περὶ τῶν κοινῇ συμφερόντων· ἰδὼν οὖν πολλοὺς συνθέοντας ἀναμίξας ἐμαυτὸν τοῖς νεκροῖς εὐθὺς εἷς καὶ αὐτὸς ἦν τῶν ἐκκλησιαστῶν. διῳκήθη μὲν οὖν καὶ ἄλλα, τελευταῖον δὲ τὸ περὶ τῶν πλουσίων· ἐπεὶ γὰρ αὐτῶν κατηγόρητο πολλὰ καὶ δεινά, βία καὶ ἀλαζονεία καὶ ὑπεροψία καὶ ἀδικία, τέλος ἀναστάς τις τῶν δημαγωγῶν ἀνέγνω ψήφισμα τοιοῦτον.
Ψήφισμα ἐπειδὴ πολλὰ καὶ παράνομα οἱ πλούσιοι δρῶσι παρὰ τὸν βίον ἁρπάζοντες καὶ βιαζόμενοι καὶ πάντα τρόπον τῶν πενήτων καταφρονοῦντες,
δεδόχθω τῇ βουλῇ καὶ τῷ δήμῳ, ἐπειδὰν ἀποθάνωσι, τὰ μὲν σώματα αὐτῶν κολάζεσθαι καθάπερ καὶ τὰ τῶν ἄλλων πονηρῶν, τὰς δὲ ψυχὰς ἀναπεμφθείσας ἄνω εἰς τὸν βίον καταδύεσθαι εἰς τοὺς ὄνους, ἄχρις ἂν ἐν τῷ τοιούτῳ διαγάγωσι μυριάδας ἐτῶν πέντε καὶ εἴκοσιν, ὄνοι ἐξ ὄνων γιγνόμενοι καὶ ἀχθοφοροῦντες καὶ ὑπὸ τῶν πενήτων ἐλαυνόμενοι, τοὐντεῦθεν δὲ λοιπὸν ἐξεῖναι αὐτοῖς ἀποθανεῖν.
εἶπε τὴν γνώμην Κρανίων Σκελετίωνος Νεκυσιεὺς φυλῆς Ἀλιβαντίδος.
Τούτου ἀναγνωσθέντος τοῦ ψηφίσματος ἐπεψήφισαν μὲν αἱ ἀρχαί, ἐπεχειροτόνησε δὲ τὸ πλῆθος καὶ ἐβριμήσατο ἡ Βριμὼ καὶ ὑλάκτησεν ὁ Κέρβερος· οὕτω γὰρ ἐντελῆ γίγνεται καὶ κύρια τὰ ἐγνωσμένα.
PHILONIDES These royal downfalls are extraordinary almost—incredible. But what of Socrates, Diogenes, and such wise men?
MENIPPUS Socrates still goes about proving everybody wrong, the same as ever; Palamedes, Odysseus, Nestor, and a few other conversational shades, keep him company. His legs, by the way, were still puffy and swollen from the poison. Good Diogenes pitches close to Sardanapalus, Midas, and other specimens of magnificence. The sound of their lamentations and better-day memories keeps him in laughter and spirits; he is generally stretched on his back roaring out a noisy song which drowns lamentation; it annoys them, and they are looking out for a new pitch where he may not molest them.
PHILONIDES I am satisfied. And now for that decree which you told me had been passed against the rich.
MENIPPUS Well remembered; that was what I meant to tell you about, but I have somehow got far astray. Well, during my stay the presiding officers gave notice of an assembly on matters of general interest. So, when I saw every one flocking to it, I mingled with the shades and constituted myself a member. Various measures were decided upon, and last came this question of the rich. Many grave accusations were preferred against them, including violence, ostentation, pride, injustice; and at last a popular speaker rose and moved this decree.
DECREE
‘Whereas the rich are guilty of many illegalities on earth, harrying and oppressing the poor and trampling upon all their rights, it is the pleasure of the Senate and People that after death they shall be punished in their bodies like other malefactors, but their souls shall be sent on earth to inhabit asses, until they have passed in that shape a quarter-million of years, generation after generation, bearing burdens under the tender mercies of the poor; after which they shall be permitted to die. Mover of this decree—Cranion son of Skeletion of the deme Necysia in the Alibantid tribe.’ The decree read, a formal vote was taken, in which the people accepted it. A snort from Brimo and a bark from Cerberus completed the proceedings according to the regular form.
ταῦτα μὲν δή σοι τὰ ἐν τῇ ἐκκλησίᾳ. ἐγὼ δέ, οὗπερ ἀφίγμην ἕνεκα, τῷ Τειρεσίᾳ προσελθὼν ἱκέτευον αὐτὸν τὰ πάντα διηγησάμενος εἰπεῖν πρός με ποῖόν τινα ἡγεῖται τὸν ἄριστον βίον. ὁ δὲ γελάσας — ἔστι δὲ τυφλόν τι γερόντιον καὶ ὠχρὸν καὶ λεπτόφωνον — Ὦ τέκνον, φησί, τήν μὲν αἰτίαν οἶδά σοι τῆς ἀπορίας ὅτι παρὰ τῶν σοφῶν ἐγένετο οὐ ταὐτὰ γιγνωσκόντων ἑαυτοῖς· ἀτὰρ οὐ θέμις λέγειν πρὸς σέ· ἀπείρηται γὰρ ὑπὸ τοῦ Ῥαδαμάνθυος. μηδαμῶς, ἔφην, ὦ πατέριον, ἀλλʼ εἰπὲ καὶ μὴ περιίδῃς με σοῦ τυφλότερον περιιόντα ἐν τῷ βίῳ. ὁ δὲ δή με ἀπαγαγὼν καὶ πολὺ τῶν ἄλλων ἀποσπάσας ἤρεμα προσκύψας πρὸς τὸ οὖς φησίν, ὁ τῶν ἰδιωτῶν ἄριστος βίος, καὶ σωφρονέστερος παυσάμενος τοῦ μετεωρολογεῖν καὶ τέλη καὶ ἀρχὰς ἐπισκοπεῖν καὶ καταπτύσας τῶν σοφῶν τούτων συλλογισμῶν καὶ τὰ τοιαῦτα λῆρον ἡγησάμενος τοῦτο μόνον ἐξ ἅπαντος θηράσῃ, ὅπως τὸ παρὸν εὖ θέμενος παραδράμῃς γελῶν τὰ πολλὰ καὶ περὶ μηδὲν ἐσπουδακώς. ὣς εἰπὼν πάλιν ὦρτο κατʼ ἀσφοδελὸν λειμῶνα.
ἐγὼ δὲ — καὶ γὰρ ἤδη ὀψὲ ἦν — ἄγε δή, ὦ Μιθροβαρζάνη, φημί, τί διαμέλλομεν καὶ οὐκ ἄπιμεν αὖθις εἰς τὸν βίον; ὁ δὲ πρὸς ταῦτα, θάρρει, φησίν, ὦ Μένιππε· ταχεῖαν γάρ σοι καὶ ἀπράγμονα ὑποδείξω ἀτραπόν. καὶ δὴ ἀγαγών με πρός τι χωρίον τοῦ ἄλλου ζοφερώτερον δείξας τῇ χειρὶ πόρρωθεν ἀμαυρὸν καὶ λεπτὸν ὥσπερ διὰ κλειθρίας φῶς εἰσρέον, ἐκεῖνο, ἔφη, ἐστὶν τὸ ἱερὸν τὸ Τροφωνίου, κἀκεῖθεν κατίασιν οἱ ἀπὸ Βοιωτίας. ταύτην οὖν ἄνιθι καὶ εὐθὺς ἔσῃ ἐπὶ τῆς Ἑλλάδος. ἡσθεὶς δὲ τοῖς εἰρημένοις ἐγὼ καὶ τὸν μάγον ἀσπασάμενος χαλεπῶς μάλα διὰ τοῦ στομίου ἀνερπύσας οὐκ οἶδʼ ὅπως ἐν Λεβαδείᾳ γίγνομαι.
So went the assembly. And now, in pursuance of my original design, I went to Tiresias, explained my case fully, and implored him to give me his views upon the best life. He is a blind little old man, pale and weak-voiced. He smiled and said:—‘My son, the cause of your perplexity, I know, is the fact that doctors differ; but I may not enlighten you; Rhadamanthus forbids.’ ‘Ah, say not so, father,’ I exclaimed; ‘speak out, and leave me not to wander through life in a blindness worse than yours.’ So he drew me apart to a considerable distance, and whispered in my ear:—‘The life of the ordinary man is the best and most prudent choice; cease from the folly of metaphysical speculation and inquiry into origins and ends, utterly reject their clever logic, count all these things idle talk, and pursue one end alone—how you may do what your hand finds to do, and go your way with ever a smile and never a passion.’
So he, and sought the lawn of asphodel.
It was now late, and I told Mithrobarzanes that our work was done, and we might reascend. ‘Very well, Menippus,’ said he, ‘I will show you an easy short cut.’ And taking me to a place where the darkness was especially thick, he pointed to a dim and distant ray of light—a mere pencil admitted through a chink. ‘There,’ he said, ‘is the shrine of Trophonius, from which the Boeotian inquirers start; go up that way, and you will be on Grecian soil without more ado.’ I was delighted, took my leave of the Mage, crawled with considerable difficulty through the aperture, and found myself, sure enough, at Lebadea.
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