Μῶμος τὸν Τροφώνιον, ὦ Ζεῦ, καὶ ὃ μάλιστά με ἀποπνίγει, τὸν Ἀμφίλοχον, ὃς ἐναγοῦς ἀνθρώπου καὶ μητρολῴου υἱὸς ὢν μαντεύεται ὁ γενναῖος ἐν Κιλικίᾳ, ψευδόμενος τὰ πολλὰ καὶ γοητεύων τοῖν δυοῖν ὀβολοῖν ἕνεκα. τοιγαροῦν οὐκέτι σύ, ὦ Ἄπολλον, εὐδοκιμεῖς, ἀλλὰ ἤδη πᾶς λίθος καὶ πᾶς βωμὸς χρησμῳδεῖ, ὃς ἂν ἐλαίῳ περιχυθῇ καὶ στεφάνους ἔχῃ καὶ γόητος ἀνδρὸς εὐπορήσῃ, οἷοι πολλοί εἰσιν. ἤδη καὶ ὁ Πολυδάμαντος τοῦ ἀθλητοῦ ἀνδριὰς ἰᾶται τοὺς πυρέττοντας ἐν Ὀλυμπίᾳ καὶ ὁ Θεαγένους ἐν Θάσῳ, καὶ Ἕκτορι θύουσιν ἐν Ἰλίῳ καὶ Πρωτεσιλάῳ καταντικρὺ ἐν Χερρονήσῳ. ἀφʼ οὗ δʼ οὖν τοσοῦτοι γεγόναμεν, ἐπιδέδωκε μᾶλλον ἡ ἐπιορκία καὶ ἱεροσυλία, καὶ ὅλως καταπεφρονήκασιν ἡμῶν — εὖ ποιοῦντες.
Μῶμος καὶ ταῦτα μὲν περὶ τῶν νόθων καὶ παρεγγράπτων. ἐγὼ δὲ καὶ ξένα ὀνόματα πολλὰ ἤδη ἀκούων οὔτε ὄντων τινῶν παρʼ ἡμῖν οὔτε συστῆναι ὅλως δυναμένων, πάνυ, ὦ Ζεῦ, καὶ ἐπὶ τούτοις γελῶ. ἢ ποῦ γάρ ἐστιν ἡ πολυθρύλητος ἀρετὴ καὶ φύσις καὶ εἱμαρμένη καὶ τύχη, ἀνυπόστατα καὶ κενὰ πραγμάτων ὀνόματα ὑπὸ βλακῶν ἀνθρώπων τῶν φιλοσόφων ἐπινοηθέντα; καὶ ὅμως αὐτοσχέδια ὄντα οὕτω τοὺς ἀνοήτους πέπεικεν, ὥστε οὐδεὶς ἡμῖν οὐδὲ θύειν βούλεται, εἰδὼς ὅτι, κἂν μυρίας ἑκατόμβας παραστήσῃ, ὅμως τὴν τύχην πράξουσαν τὰ μεμοιραμένα καὶ ἃ ἐξ ἀρχῆς ἑκάστῳ ἐπεκλώσθη. ἡδέως ἂν οὖν ἐροίμην σε, ὦ Ζεῦ, εἴ που εἶδες ἢ ἀρετὴν ἢ φύσιν ἢ εἱμαρμένην; ὅτι μὲν γὰρ ἀεὶ καὶ σὺ ἀκούεις ἐν ταῖς τῶν φιλοσόφων διατριβαῖς, οἶδα, εἰ μὴ καὶ κωφός τις εἶ, ὡς βοώντων αὐτῶν μὴ ἐπαΐειν.
πολλὰ ἔτι ἔχων εἰπεῖν καταπαύσω τὸν λόγον· ὁρῶ γοῦν πολλοὺς ἀχθομένους μοι λέγοντι καὶ συρίττοντας, ἐκείνους μάλιστα ὧν καθήψατο ἡ παρρησία τῶν λόγων.
MOMUS Trophonius and Amphilochus come next. The thought of the latter, in particular, causes my blood to boil: the father is a matricide and an outcast, and the son, if you please, sets up for a prophet in Cilicia, and retails information—usually incorrect—to a believing public at the rate of twopence an oracle. That is how Apollo here has fallen into disrepute: it needs but a quack (and quacks are plentiful), a sprinkling of oil, and a garland or two, and an oracle may be had in these days wherever there is an altar or a stone pillar. Fever patients may now be cured either at Olympia by the statue of Polydamas the athlete, or in Thasos by that of Theagenes. Hector receives sacrifice at Troy: Protesilaus just across the water on Chersonese. Ever since the number of Gods has thus multiplied, perjury and temple-robbery have been on the increase. In short, men do not care two straws about us; nor can I blame them.
That is all I have to say on the subject of bastards and new importations. But I have also observed with considerable amusement the introduction of various strange names, denoting persons who neither have nor could conceivably have any existence among us. Show me this Virtue of whom we hear so much; show me Nature, and Destiny, and Fortune, if they are anything more than unsubstantial names, the vain imaginings of some philosopher’s empty head. Yet these flimsy personifications have so far gained upon the weak intelligences of mankind, that not a man will now sacrifice to us, knowing that though he should present us with a myriad of hecatombs, Fortune will none the less work out that destiny which has been appointed for each man from the beginning. I should take it kindly of you, sir, if you would tell me whether you have ever seen Virtue or Fortune or Destiny anywhere? I know that you must have heard of them often enough, from the philosophers, unless your ears are deaf enough to be proof against their bawlings.
Much more might be said: but I forbear. I perceive that the public indignation has already risen to hissing point; especially in those quarters in which my plain truths have told home.
In conclusion, sir, I have drawn up a bill dealing with this subject; which, with your permission, I shall now read.
ZEUS Very well; some of your points are reasonable enough. We must put a check on these abuses, or they will get worse.
Μῶμος πέρας γοῦν, εἰ ἐθέλεις, ὦ Ζεῦ, ψήφισμά τι περὶ τούτων ἀναγνώσομαι ἤδη ξυγγεγραμμένον.
Ζεύς ἀνάγνωθι· οὐ πάντα γὰρ ἀλόγως ᾐτιάσω. καὶ δεῖ τὰ πολλὰ αὐτῶν ἐπισχεῖν, ὡς μὴ ἐπὶ πλεῖον ἂν γίγνηται.
Μῶμος ἀγαθῇ τύχῃ. ἐκκλησίας ἐννόμου ἀγομένης ἑβδόμῃ ἱσταμένου ὁ Ζεὺς ἐπρυτάνευε καὶ προήδρευε Ποσειδῶν, ἐπεστάτει Ἀπόλλων, ἐγραμμάτευε Μῶμος Νυκτὸς καὶ ὁ Ὕπνος τὴν γνώμην εἶπεν.
Ἐπειδὴ πολλοὶ τῶν ξένων, οὐ μόνον Ἕλληνες ἀλλὰ καὶ βάρβαροι, οὐδαμῶς ἄξιοι ὄντες κοινωνεῖν ἡμῖν τῆς πολιτείας, παρεγγραφέντες οὐκ οἶδα ὅπως καὶ θεοὶ δόξαντες ἐμπεπλήκασι μὲν τὸν οὐρανὸν ὡς μεστὸν εἶναι τὸ συμπόσιον ὄχλου ταραχώδους πολυγλώσσων τινῶν καὶ ξυγκλύδων ἀνθρώπων, ἐπιλέλοιπε δὲ ἡ ἀμβροσία καὶ τὸ νέκταρ, ὥστε μνᾶς ἤδη τὴν κοτύλην εἶναι διὰ τὸ πλῆθος τῶν πινόντων· οἱ δὲ ὑπὸ αὐθαδείας παρωσάμενοι τοὺς παλαιούς τε καὶ ἀληθεῖς θεοὺς προεδρίας ἠξιώκασιν αὑτοὺς παρὰ πάντα τὰ πάτρια καὶ ἐν τῇ γῇ προτιμᾶσθαι θέλουσι·
Μῶμος δεδόχθαι τῇ βουλῇ καὶ τῷ δήμῳ ξυλλεγῆναι μὲν ἐκκλησίαν ἐν τῷ Ὀλύμπῳ περὶ τροπὰς χειμερινάς, ἑλέσθαι δὲ ἐπιγνώμονας τελείους θεοὺς ἑπτά, τρεῖς μὲν ἐκ τῆς παλαιᾶς βουλῆς τῆς ἐπὶ Κρόνου, τέτταρας δὲ ἐκ τῶν δώδεκα, καὶ ἐν αὐτοῖς τὸν Δία· τούτους δὲ τοὺς ἐπιγνώμονας αὐτοὺς μὲν καθέζεσθαι ὀμόσαντας τὸν νόμιμον ὅρκον τὴν Στύγα, τὸν Ἑρμῆν δὲ κηρύξαντα ξυναγαγεῖν ἅπαντας ὅσοι ἀξιοῦσι ξυντελεῖν ἐς τὸ ξυνέδριον, τοὺς δὲ ἥκειν μάρτυρας ἐπαγομένους ἐνωμότους καὶ ἀποδείξεις τοῦ γένους. τοὐντεῦθεν δὲ οἱ μὲν παρίτωσαν καθʼ ἕνα, οἱ δὲ ἐπιγνώμονες ἐξετάζοντες ἢ θεοὺς εἶναι ἀποφανοῦνται ἢ καταπέμψουσιν ἐπὶ τὰ σφέτερα ἠρία καὶ τὰς θήκας τὰς προγονικάς. ἢν δέ τις ἁλῷ τῶν ἀδοκίμων καὶ ἅπαξ ὑπὸ τῶν ἐπιγνωμόνων ἐκκριθέντων ἐπιβαίνων τοῦ οὐρανοῦ, ἐς τὸν Τάρταρον ἐμπεσεῖν τοῦτον.
Μῶμος ἐργάζεσθαι δὲ τὰ αὐτοῦ ἕκαστον, καὶ μήτε τὴν Ἀθηνᾶν ἰᾶσθαι μήτε τὸν Ἀσκληπιὸν χρησμῳδεῖν μήτε τὸν Ἀπόλλω τοσαῦτα μόνον ποιεῖν, ἀλλὰ ἕν τι ἐπιλεξάμενον μάντιν ἢ κιθαρῳδὸν ἢ ἰατρὸν εἶναι.
Μῶμος τοῖς δὲ φιλοσόφοις προειπεῖν μὴ ἀναπλάττειν κενὰ ὀνόματα μηδὲ ληρεῖν περὶ ὧν οὐκ ἴσασιν.
Μῶμος ὁπόσοι δὲ ἤδη ναῶν ἢ θυσιῶν ἠξιώθησαν, ἐκείνων μὲν καθαιρεθῆναι τὰ ἀγάλματα, ἐντεθῆναι δὲ ἢ Διὸς ἢ Ἥρας ἢ Ἀπόλλωνος ἢ τῶν ἄλλων τινός, ἐκείνοις δὲ τάφον χῶσαι τὴν πόλιν καὶ στήλην ἐπιστῆσαι ἀντὶ βωμοῦ. ἢν δέ τις παρακούσῃ τοῦ κηρύγματος καὶ μὴ ἐθελήσῃ ἐπὶ τοὺς ἐπιγνώμονας ἐλθεῖν, ἐρήμην αὐτοῦ καταδιαιτησάτωσαν. τοῦτο μὲν ὑμῖν τὸ ψήφισμα.
MOMUS On the seventh day of the month in the prytany of Zeus and the presidency of Posidon Apollo in the chair the following Bill introduced by Sleep was read by Momus son of Night before a true and lawful meeting of the Assembly whom Fortune direct.
Whereas numerous persons both Greeks and barbarians being in no way entitled to the franchise have by means unknown procured their names to be enrolled on our register filling the Heavens with false Gods troubling our banquets with a tumultuous rout of miscellaneous polyglot humanity and causing a deficiency in the supplies of ambrosia and nectar whereby the price of the latter commodity owing to increased consumption has risen to four pounds the half-pint:
And whereas the said persons have presumptuously forced themselves into the places of genuine and old-established deities and in contravention of law and custom have further claimed precedence of the same deities upon the Earth:
It has seemed good to the Senate and People that an Assembly be convened upon Olympus at or about the time of the winter solstice for the purpose of electing a Commission of Inquiry the Commissioners to be duly-qualified Gods seven in number of whom three to be appointed from the most ancient Senate of Cronus and the remaining four from the twelve Gods of whom Zeus to be one and the said Commissioners shall before taking their seats swear by Styx according to the established form and Hermes shall summon by proclamation all such as claim admission to the Assembly to appear and bring with them sworn witnesses together with documentary proofs of their origin and all such persons shall successively appear before the Commissioners and the Commissioners after examination of their claims shall either declare them to be Gods or dismiss them to their own tombs and family vaults and if the Commissioners subsequently discover in Heaven any person so disqualified from entering such person shall be thrown into Tartarus and further each God shall follow his own profession and no other and it shall not be lawful either for Athene to heal the sick or for Asclepius to deliver oracles or for Apollo to practise three professions at once but only one either prophecy or music or medicine according as he shall select and instructions shall be issued to philosophers forbidding them either to invent meaningless names or to talk nonsense about matters of which they know nothing and if a temple and sacrificial honours have already been accorded to any disqualified person his statue shall be thrown down and that of Zeus or Hera or Athene or other God substituted in its place and his city shall provide him with a tomb and set up a pillar in lieu of his altar and against any person refusing to appear before the Commissioners in accordance with the proclamation judgement shall be given by default.
That, gentlemen, is the Bill.
Ζεύς δικαιότατον, ὦ Μῶμε· καὶ ὅτῳ δοκεῖ, ἀνατεινάτω τὴν χεῖρα· μᾶλλον δέ, οὕτω γιγνέσθω, πλείους γὰρ οἶδʼ ὅτι ἔσονται οἱ μὴ χειροτονήσοντες. ἀλλὰ νῦν μὲν ἄπιτε· ὁπόταν δὲ κηρύξῃ ὁ Ἑρμῆς, ἥκετε κομίζοντες ἕκαστος ἐναργῆ τὰ γνωρίσματα καὶ σαφεῖς τὰς ἀποδείξεις, πατρὸς ὄνομα καὶ μητρός, καὶ ὅθεν καὶ ὅπως θεὸς ἐγένετο, καὶ φυλὴν καὶ φράτορας. ὡς ὅστις ἂν μὴ ταῦτα παράσχηται, οὐδὲν μελήσει τοῖς ἐπιγνώμοσιν εἰ νεών τις μέγαν ἐν τῇ γῇ ἔχει καὶ οἱ ἄνθρωποι θεὸν αὐτὸν εἶναι νομίζουσιν.
ZEUS And a very equitable one it is, Momus. All in favour of this Bill hold up their hands! Or no: our opponents are sure to be in a majority. You may all go away now, and when Hermes makes the proclamation, every one must come, bringing with him complete particulars and proofs, with his father’s and mother’s names, his tribe and clan, and the reason and circumstances of his deification. And any of you who fail to produce your proofs will find it is no use having great temples on the Earth, or passing there for Gods; that will not help you with the Commissioners.
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