Ζεύς μηκέτι τονθορύζετε, ὦ θεοί, μηδὲ κατὰ γωνίας συστρεφόμενοι πρὸς οὖς ἀλλήλοις κοινολογεῖσθε, ἀγανακτοῦντες εἰ πολλοὶ ἀνάξιοι μετέχουσιν ἡμῖν τοῦ συμποσίου, ἀλλʼ ἐπείπερ ἀποδέδοται περὶ τούτων ἐκκλησία, λεγέτω ἕκαστος ἐς τὸ φανερὸν τὰ δοκοῦντά οἱ καὶ κατηγορείτω. σὺ δὲ κήρυττε, ὦ Ἑρμῆ, τὸ κήρυγμα τὸ ἐκ τοῦ νόμου.
Ἑρμῆς ἄκουε, σίγα. τίς ἀγορεύειν βούλεται τῶν τελείων θεῶν οἷς ἔξεστιν; ἡ δὲ σκέψις περὶ τῶν μετοίκων καὶ ξένων.
Μῶμος ἐγὼ ὁ Μῶμος, ὦ Ζεῦ, εἴ μοι ἐπιτρέψειας εἰπεῖν.
Ζεύς τὸ κήρυγμα ἤδη ἐφίησιν· ὥστε οὐδὲν ἐμοῦ δεήσει.
Μῶμος φημὶ τοίνυν δεινὰ ποιεῖν ἐνίους ἡμῶν, οἷς οὐκ ἀπόχρη θεοὺς ἐξ ἀνθρώπων αὐτοῖς γεγενῆσθαι, ἀλλʼ, εἰ μὴ καὶ τοὺς ἀκολούθους καὶ θεράποντας αὐτῶν ἰσοτίμους ἡμῖν ἀποφανοῦσιν, οὐδὲν μέγα οὐδὲ νεανικὸν οἴονται εἰργάσθαι. ἀξιῶ δέ, ὦ Ζεῦ, μετὰ παρρησίας μοι δοῦναι εἰπεῖν· οὐδὲ γὰρ ἂν ἄλλως δυναίμην, ἀλλὰ πάντες με ἴσασιν ὡς ἐλεύθερός εἰμι τὴν γλῶτταν καὶ οὐδὲν ἂν κατασιωπήσαιμι τῶν οὐ καλῶς γιγνομένων· διελέγχω γὰρ ἅπαντα καὶ λέγω τὰ δοκοῦντά μοι ἐς τὸ φανερὸν οὔτε δεδιώς τινα οὔτε ὑπʼ αἰδοῦς ἐπικαλύπτων τὴν γνώμην· ὥστε καὶ ἐπαχθὴς δοκῶ τοῖς πολλοῖς καὶ συκοφαντικὸς τὴν φύσιν, δημόσιός τις κατήγορος ὑπʼ αὐτῶν ἐπονομαζόμενος. πλὴν ἀλλʼ ἐπείπερ ἔξεστιν καὶ κεκήρυκται καὶ σύ, ὦ Ζεῦ, δίδως μετʼ ἐξουσίας εἰπεῖν·, οὐδὲν ὑποστειλάμενος ἐρῶ.
Μῶμος πολλοὶ γάρ, φημί, οὐκ ἀγαπῶντες ὅτι αὐτοὶ μετέχουσι τῶν αὐτῶν ἡμῖν ξυνεδρίων καὶ εὐωχοῦνται ἐπʼ ἴσης, καὶ ταῦτα θνητοὶ ἐξ ἡμισείας ὄντες, ἔτι καὶ τοὺς ὑπηρέτας καὶ θιασώτας τοὺς αὐτῶν ἀνήγαγον ἐς τὸν οὐρανὸν καὶ παρενέγραψαν, καὶ νῦν ἐπʼ ἴσης διανομάς τε νέμονται καὶ θυσιῶν μετέχουσιν, οὐδὲ καταβαλόντες ἡμῖν τὸ μετοίκιον.
Ζεύς μηδὲν αἰνιγματῶδες, ὦ Μῶμε, ἀλλὰ σαφῶς καὶ διαρρήδην λέγε, προστιθεὶς καὶ τοὔνομα, νῦν γὰρ ἐς τὸ μέσον ἀπέρριπταί σοι ὁ λόγος, ὡς πολλοὺς εἰκάζειν καὶ ἐφαρμόζειν ἄλλοτε ἄλλον τοῖς λεγομένοις. χρὴ δὲ παρρησιαστὴν ὄντα μηδὲν ὀκνεῖν λέγειν.
ZEUS Now, gentlemen, enough of that muttering and whispering in corners. You complain that our banquets are thrown open to a number of undesirable persons. Very well: the Assembly has been convened for the purpose of dealing with this very point, and every one is at liberty to declare his sentiments openly, and bring what allegations he will.—Hermes, make formal proclamation to that effect.
HERMES All duly qualified divinities are hereby invited to address the Assembly on the subject of foreigners and immigrants.
MOMUS Have I your permission to speak, sir?
ZEUS It is not needed; you have heard the proclamation.
MOMUS I desire, then, to protest against the insufferable vanity of some among us who, not content with their own promotion to godhead, would introduce their dependants and underlings here as our equals. Sir, I shall express myself on this subject with that blunt sincerity which is inseparable from my character. I am known to the world as one whose unfettered tongue cannot refrain from speech in the presence of wrong-doing; as one who probes matters to the bottom, and says what he thinks, without concealment, without fear, and without scruple. My frankness is burdensome to the generality of Gods, who mistake it for censoriousness; I have been termed by such the Accuser General. But I shall none the less avail myself of the freedom accorded to me by the proclamation—and by your permission, sir—to speak my mind without reserve.—There are, I repeat it, many persons who, despite their mixed origin, have been admitted to our feasts and councils upon terms of equality; and who, not satisfied with this, have brought hither their servants and satellites, and enrolled them among the Gods; and these menials now share in our rations and sacrifices without ever so much as paying the customary tax.
ZEUS These are riddles. Say what you mean in so many words, and let us have the names. Generalities of this kind can only give ground for random conjecture; they might apply to any one. You are a friend to sincerity: speak on, then, without hesitation.
Μῶμος εὖ γε, ὦ Ζεῦ, ὅτι καὶ παροτρύνεις με πρὸς τὴν παρρησίαν· ποιεῖς γὰρ τοῦτο βασιλικὸν ὡς ἀληθῶς καὶ μεγαλόφρον, ὥστε ἐρῶ καὶ τοὔνομα. ὁ γάρ τοι γενναιότατος οὗτος Διόνυσος ἡμιάνθρωπος ὤν, οὐδὲ Ἕλλην μητρόθεν ἀλλὰ Συροφοίνικός τινος ἐμπόρου τοῦ Κάδμου θυγατριδοῦς, ἐπείπερ ἠξιώθη τῆς ἀθανασίας, οἷος μὲν αὐτός ἐστιν οὐ λέγω, οὔτε τὴν μίτραν οὔτε τὴν μέθην οὔτε τὸ βάδισμα· πάντες γάρ, οἶμαι, ὁρᾶτε ὡς θῆλυς καὶ γυναικεῖος τὴν φύσιν, ἡμιμανής, ἀκράτου ἕωθεν ἀποπνέων· ὁ δὲ καὶ ὅλην φατρίαν ἐσεποίησεν ἡμῖν καὶ τὸν χορὸν ἐπαγόμενος πάρεστι καὶ θεοὺς ἀπέφηνε τὸν Πᾶνα καὶ τὸν Σιληνὸν καὶ Σατύρους, ἀγροίκους τινὰς καὶ αἰπόλους τοὺς πολλούς, σκιρτητικοὺς ἀνθρώπους καὶ τὰς μορφὰς ἀλλοκότους· ὧν ὁ μὲν κέρατα ἔχων καὶ ὅσον ἐξ ἡμισείας ἐς τὸ κάτω αἰγὶ ἐοικὼς καὶ γένειον βαθὺ καθειμένος ὀλίγον τράγου διαφέρων ἐστίν, ὁ δὲ φαλακρὸς γέρων, σιμὸς τὴν ῥῖνα, ἐπὶ ὄνου τὰ πολλὰ ὀχούμενος, Λυδὸς οὗτος, οἱ δὲ Σάτυροι ὀξεῖς τὰ ὦτα, καὶ αὐτοὶ φαλακροί, κεράσται, οἷα τοῖς ἄρτι γεννηθεῖσιν ἐρίφοις τὰ κέρατα ὑποφύεται, Φρύγες τινὲς ὄντες· ἔχουσι δὲ καὶ οὐρὰς ἅπαντες. ὁρᾶτε οἵους ἡμῖν θεοὺς ποιεῖ ὁ γεννάδας;
Μῶμος εἶτα θαυμάζομεν εἰ καταφρονοῦσιν ἡμῶν οἱ ἄνθρωποι ὁρῶντες οὕτω γελοίους θεοὺς καὶ τεραστίους; ἐῶ γὰρ λέγειν ὅτι καὶ δύο γυναῖκας ἀνήγαγεν, τὴν μὲν ἐρωμένην οὖσαν αὐτοῦ, τὴν Ἀριάδνην, ἧς καὶ τὸν στέφανον ἐγκατέλεξε τῷ τῶν ἄστρων χορῷ, τὴν δὲ Ἰκαρίου τοῦ γεωργοῦ θυγατέρα. καὶ ὃ πάντων γελοιότατον, ὦ θεοί, καὶ τὸν κύνα τῆς Ἠριγόνης, καὶ τοῦτον ἀνήγαγεν, ὡς μὴ ἀνιῷτο ἡ παῖς εἰ μὴ ἕξει ἐν τῷ οὐρανῷ τὸ ξύνηθες ἐκεῖνο καὶ ὅπερ ἠγάπα κυνίδιον. ταῦτα οὐχ ὕβρις ὑμῖν δοκεῖ καὶ παροινία καὶ γέλως; ἀκούσατε δʼ οὖν καὶ ἄλλους.
MOMUS This is really most gratifying. Such encouragement is precisely what I should have expected of a king of your exalted spirit; I will mention the name. I refer, in fact, to Dionysus. Although the mother of this truly estimable demi-god was not only a mortal, but a barbarian, and his maternal grandfather a tradesman in Phoenicia, one Cadmus, it was thought necessary to confer immortality upon him. With his own conduct since that time, I am not concerned; I shall have nothing to say on the subject of his snood, his inebriety, or his manner of walking. You may all see him for yourselves: an effeminate, half-witted creature, reeking of strong liquor from the early hours of the day. But we are indebted to him for the presence of a whole tribe of his followers, whom he has introduced into our midst under the title of Gods. Such are Pan, Silenus, and the Satyrs; coarse persons, of frisky tendencies and eccentric appearance, drawn chiefly from the goat-herd class. The first-mentioned of these, besides being horned, has the hind-quarters of a goat, and his enormous beard is not unlike that of the same animal. Silenus is an old man with a bald head and a snub nose, who is generally to be seen riding on a donkey; he is of Lydian extraction. The Satyrs are Phrygians; they too are bald, and have pointed ears, and sprouting horns, like those of young kids. When I add that every one of these persons is provided with a tail, you will realize the extent of our obligation to Dionysus. And with these theological curiosities before their eyes, we wonder why it is that men think lightly of the Gods! I might have added that Dionysus has also brought us a couple of ladies: Ariadne is one, his mistress, whose crown is now set among the host of stars; the other is farmer Icarius’s daughter. And the cream of the jest is still to come: the dog, Erigone’s dog, must be translated too; the poor child would never be happy in Heaven without the sweet little pet! What can we call this but a drunken freak?
So much for Dionysus. I now proceed—
Ζεύς μηδέν, ὦ Μῶμε, εἴπῃς μήτε περὶ Ἀσκληπιοῦ μήτε περὶ Ἡρακλέους· ὁρῶ γὰρ οἷ φέρῃ τῷ λόγῳ. οὗτοι γάρ, ὁ μὲν αὐτῶν ἰᾶται καὶ ἀνίστησιν ἐκ τῶν νόσων καὶ ἔστιν πολλῶν ἀντάξιος ἄλλων, ὁ δὲ Ἡρακλῆς υἱὸς ὢν ἐμὸς οὐκ ὀλίγων πόνων ἐπρίατο τὴν ἀθανασίαν· ὥστε μὴ κατηγόρει αὐτῶν.
Μῶμος σιωπήσομαι, ὦ Ζεῦ, διὰ σέ, πολλὰ εἰπεῖν ἔχων. καίτοι εἰ μηδὲν ἄλλο, ἔτι τὰ σημεῖα ἔχουσι τοῦ πυρός. εἰ δὲ ἐξῆν καὶ πρὸς αὐτὸν σὲ τῇ παρρησίᾳ χρῆσθαι, πολλὰ ἂν εἶχον εἰπεῖν.
Ζεύς καὶ μὴν πρὸς ἐμὲ ἔξεστιν μάλιστα. μῶν δʼ οὖν κἀμὲ ξενίας διώκεις;
Μῶμος ἐν Κρήτῃ μὲν οὐ μόνον τοῦτο ἀκοῦσαι ἔστιν, ἀλλὰ καὶ ἄλλο τι περὶ σοῦ λέγουσιν καὶ τάφον ἐπιδεικνύουσιν· ἐγὼ δὲ οὔτε ἐκείνοις πείθομαι οὔτε Ἀχαιῶν Αἰγιεῦσιν ὑποβολιμαῖόν σε εἶναι φάσκουσιν.
Μῶμος ἃ δὲ μάλιστα ἐλεγχθῆναι δεῖν ἡγοῦμαι, ταῦτα ἐρῶ.
τὴν γάρ τοι ἀρχὴν τῶν τοιούτων παρανομημάτων καὶ τὴν αἰτίαν τοῦ νοθευθῆναι ἡμῶν τὸ ξυνέδριον σύ, ὦ Ζεῦ, παρέσχες θνηταῖς ἐπιμιγνύμενος καὶ κατιὼν παρʼ αὐτὰς ἐν ἄλλοτε ἄλλῳ σχήματι, ὥστε ἡμᾶς δεδιέναι μή σε καταθύσῃ τις ξυλλαβών, ὁπόταν ταῦρος ᾖς, ἢ τῶν χρυσοχόων τις κατεργάσηται χρυσὸν ὄντα, καὶ ἀντὶ Διὸς ἢ ὅρμος ἢ ψέλιον ἢ ἐλλόβιον ἡμῖν γένῃ. πλὴν ἀλλὰ ἐμπέπληκάς γε τὸν οὐρανὸν τῶν ἡμιθέων τούτων· οὐ γὰρ ἂν ἄλλως εἴποιμι. καὶ τὸ πρᾶγμα γελοιότατόν ἐστιν, ὁπόταν τις ἄφνω ἀκούσῃ ὅτι ὁ Ἡρακλῆς μὲν θεὸς ἀπεδείχθη, ὁ δὲ Εὐρυσθεύς, ὃς ἐπέταττεν αὐτῷ, τέθνηκεν, καὶ πλησίον Ἡρακλέους νεὼς οἰκέτου ὄντος καὶ Εὐρυσθέως τάφος τοῦ δεσπότου αὐτοῦ, καὶ πάλιν ἐν Θήβαις Διόνυσος μὲν θεός, οἱ δʼ ἀνεψιοὶ αὐτοῦ ὁ Πενθεὺς καὶ ὁ Ἀκταίων καὶ ὁ Λέαρχος ἀνθρώπων ἁπάντων κακοδαιμονέστατοι.
Μῶμος ἀφʼ οὗ δὲ ἅπαξ σύ, ὦ Ζεῦ, ἀνέῳξας τοῖς τοιούτοις τὰς θύρας καὶ ἐπὶ τὰς θνητὰς ἐτράπου, ἅπαντες μεμίμηνταί σε, καὶ οὐχ οἱ ἄρρενες μόνον, ἀλλʼ, ὅπερ αἴσχιστον, καὶ αἱ θήλειαι θεοί. τίς γὰρ οὐκ οἶδεν τὸν Ἀγχίσην καὶ τὸν Τιθωνὸν καὶ τὸν Ἐνδυμίωνα καὶ τὸν Ἰασίωνα καὶ τοὺς ἄλλους; ὥστε ταῦτα μὲν ἐάσειν μοι δοκῶ· μακρὸν γὰρ ἂν τὸ διελέγχειν γένοιτο.
Ζεύς μηδὲν περὶ τοῦ Γανυμήδους, ὦ Μῶμε, εἴπῃς· χαλεπανῶ γὰρ εἰ λυπήσεις τὸ μειράκιον ὀνειδίσας ἐς τὸ γένος.
Μῶμος οὐκοῦν μηδὲ περὶ τοῦ ἀετοῦ εἴπω, ὅτι καὶ οὗτος ἐν τῷ οὐρανῷ ἐστιν, ἐπὶ τοῦ βασιλείου σκήπτρου καθεζόμενος καὶ μονονουχὶ ἐπὶ κεφαλήν σοι νεοττεύων, θεὸς εἶναι δοκῶν;
ZEUS Now, Momus, I see what you are coming to: but you will kindly leave Asclepius and Heracles alone. Asclepius is a physician, and restores the sick; he is
More worth than many men.
And Heracles is my own son, and purchased his immortality with many toils. So not one word against either of them.
MOMUS Very well, sir; as you wish, though I had something to say on that subject, too. You will excuse my remarking, at any rate, that they have something of a scorched appearance still. With reference to yourself, sir, a good deal might be said, if I could feel at liberty——
ZEUS Oh, as regards myself, you are,—perfectly at liberty. What, then, I am an interloper too, am I?
MOMUS Worse than that, according to what they say in Crete: your tomb is there on view. Not that I believe them, any more than I believe that Aegium story, about your being a changeling. But there is one thing that I think ought to be made clear. You yourself, sir, have set us the example in loose conduct of this kind; it is you we have to thank—you and your terrestrial gallantries and your transformations—for the present mixed state of society. We are quite uneasy about it. You will be caught, some day, and sacrificed as a bull; or some goldsmith will try his hand upon our gold-transmuted sire, and we shall have nothing to show for it but a bracelet, a necklace or a pair of earrings. The long and short of it is, that Heaven is simply swarming with these demi-gods of yours; there is no other word for it. It tickles a man considerably when he suddenly finds Heracles promoted to deity, and Eurystheus, his taskmaster, dead and buried, his tomb within easy distance of his slave’s temple; or again when he observes in Thebes that Dionysus is a God, but that God’s cousins, Pentheus, Actaeon, and Learchus, only mortals, and poor devils at that. You see, sir, ever since you gave the entrée to people of this sort, and turned your attention to the daughters of Earth, all the rest have followed suit; and the scandalous part of it is, that the Goddesses are just as bad as the Gods. Of the cases of Anchises, Tithonus, Endymion, Iasion, and others, I need say nothing; they are familiar to every one, and it would be tedious to expatiate further.
ZEUS Now I will have no reflections on Ganymede’s antecedents; I shall be very angry with you, if you hurt the boy’s feelings.
Μῶμος ἢ καὶ τοῦτον τοῦ Γανυμήδους ἕνεκα ἐάσομεν;
ἀλλʼ ὁ Ἄττης γε, ὦ Ζεῦ, καὶ ὁ Κορύβας καὶ ὁ Σαβάζιος, πόθεν ἡμῖν ἐπεισεκυκλήθησαν οὗτοι, ἢ ὁ Μίθρης ἐκεῖνος, ὁ Μῆδος, ὁ τὸν κάνδυν καὶ τὴν τιάραν, οὐδὲ ἑλληνίζων τῇ φωνῇ, ὥστε οὐδʼ ἢν προπίῃ τις ξυνίησι; τοιγαροῦν οἱ Σκύθαι ταῦτα ὁρῶντες, οἱ Γέται αὐτῶν, μακρὰ ἡμῖν χαίρειν εἰπόντες αὐτοὶ ἀπαθανατίζουσι καὶ θεοὺς χειροτονοῦσιν οὓς ἂν ἐθελήσωσι, τὸν αὐτὸν τρόπον ὅνπερ καὶ Ζάμολξις δοῦλος ὢν παρενεγράφη οὐκ οἶδʼ ὅπως διαλαθών.
Μῶμος καίτοι πάντα ταῦτα, ὦ θεοί, μέτρια. σὺ δέ, ὦ κυνοπρόσωπε καὶ σινδόσιν ἐσταλμένε Αἰγύπτιε, τίς εἶ, ὦ βέλτιστε, ἢ πῶς ἀξιοῖς θεὸς εἶναι ὑλακτῶν; τί δὲ βουλόμενος καὶ ὁ ποικίλος οὗτος ταῦρος ὁ Μεμφίτης προσκυνεῖται καὶ χρᾷ καὶ προφήτας ἔχει; αἰσχύνομαι γὰρ ἴβιδας καὶ πιθήκους εἰπεῖν καὶ τράγους καὶ ἄλλα πολλῷ γελοιότερα οὐκ οἶδʼ ὅπως ἐξ Αἰγύπτου παραβυσθέντα ἐς τὸν οὐρανόν, ἃ ὑμεῖς, ὦ θεοί, πῶς ἀνέχεσθε ὁρῶντες ἐπʼ ἴσης ἢ καὶ μᾶλλον ὑμῶν προσκυνούμενα; ἢ σύ, ὦ Ζεῦ, πῶς φέρεις ἐπειδὰν κριοῦ κέρατα φύσωσί σοι;
Ζεύς αἰσχρὰ ὡς ἀληθῶς ταῦτα φὴς τὰ περὶ τῶν Αἰγυπτίων· ὅμως δʼ οὖν, ὦ Μῶμε, τὰ πολλὰ αὐτῶν αἰνίγματά ἐστιν, καὶ οὐ πάνυ χρὴ καταγελᾶν ἀμύητον ὄντα.
Μῶμος πάνυ γοῦν μυστηρίων, ὦ Ζεῦ, δεῖ ἡμῖν, ὡς εἰδέναι θεοὺς μὲν τοὺς θεούς, κυνοκεφάλους δὲ τοὺς κυνοκεφάλους.
Ζεύς ἔα, φημί, τὰ περὶ Αἰγυπτίων· ἄλλοτε γὰρ περὶ τούτων ἐπισκεψόμεθα ἐπὶ σχολῆς. σὺ δὲ τοὺς ἄλλους λέγε.
MOMUS Ah; and out of consideration for him I suppose I must also abstain from any reference to the eagle, which is now a God like the rest of us, perches upon the royal sceptre, and may be expected at any moment to build his nest upon the head of Majesty?—Well, you must allow me Attis, Corybas, and Sabazius: by what contrivance, now, did they get here? and that Mede there, Mithras, with the candys and tiara? why, the fellow cannot speak Greek; if you pledge him, he does not know what you mean. The consequence is, that Scythians and Goths, observing their success, snap their fingers at us, and distribute divinity and immortality right and left; that was how the slave Zamolxis’s name slipped into our register. However, let that pass. But I should just like to ask that Egyptian there—the dog-faced gentleman in the linen suit—who he is, and whether he proposes to establish his divinity by barking? And will the piebald bull yonder, from Memphis, explain what use he has for a temple, an oracle, or a priest? As for the ibises and monkeys and goats and worse absurdities that are bundled in upon us, goodness knows how, from Egypt, I am ashamed to speak of them; nor do I understand how you, gentlemen, can endure to see such creatures enjoying a prestige equal to or greater than your own.—And you yourself, sir, must surely find ram’s horns a great inconvenience?
ZEUS Certainly, it is disgraceful the way these Egyptians go on. At the same time, Momus, there is an occult significance in most of these things; and it ill becomes you, who are not of the initiated, to ridicule them.
MOMUS Oh, come now: a God is one thing, and a person with a dog’s head is another; I need no initiation to tell me that.
ZEUS Well, that will do for the Egyptians; time must be taken for the consideration of their case. Proceed to others.
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