CHORUS I vow by old Agraulus, We’re all bewitched, or else have had some strange mischance befall us, To let this shameless hussy tell her shameful, bold, improper Unpleasant tales, and we not make the least attempt to stop her. If anyone assist me, good; if not, alone we’ll try, We’ll strip and whip her well, we will, my serving-maids and I.
MNESILOCHUS Not strip me, gentle ladies; sure I heard the proclamation, That every freeborn woman now might make a free oration; And if I spoke unpleasant truths on this your invitation, Is that a reason why I now should suffer castigation?
FIRST WOMAN It is, indeed: how dare you plead for him who always chooses Such odious subjects for his plays, on purpose to abuse us? Phaedras and Melanippes too: but ne’er a drama made he
FIRST WOMAN About the good Penelope, or such-like virtuous lady.
MNESILOCHUS The cause I know; the cause I’ll show: you won’t discover any Penelope alive to-day, but Phaedras very many.
FIRST WOMAN You will? you dare? how can we bear to hear such things repeated, Such horrid, dreadful, odious things?
MNESILOCHUS O, I’ve not near completed The things I know; I’ll give the whole: I’m not disposed to grudge it.
FIRST WOMAN You can’t, I vow; you’ve emptied now your whole disgusting budget.
MNESILOCHUS No, not one thousandth part I’ve told: not even how we take The scraper from the bathing-room, and down the corn we rake, And push it in, and tap the bin.
FIRST WOMAN Confound you and your slanders!
MNESILOCHUS Nor how the Apaturian meat we steal to give our panders, And then declare the cat was there.
FIRST WOMAN You nasty telltale you!
MNESILOCHUS Nor how with deadly axe a wife her lord and master slew, Another drove her husband mad with poisonous drugs fallacious, Nor how beneath the reservoir the Acharnian girl—
FIRST WOMAN Good gracious!
MNESILOCHUS Buried her father out of sight.
FIRST WOMAN Now really this won’t do.
MNESILOCHUS Nor how when late your servant bare a child as well as you, You took her boy, and in his stead your puling girl you gave her.
FIRST WOMAN O, by the Two, this jade shall rue her insolent behaviour. I’ll comb your fleece, you saucy minx.
MNESILOCHUS By Zeus, you had best begin it.
FIRST WOMAN Come on!
MNESILOCHUS Come on!
FIRST WOMAN You will? you will? (Flinging her upper mantle to Philista) Hold this, my dear, a minute.
MNESILOCHUS Stand off, or else, by Artemis, I’ll give you such a strumming—
CHORUS For pity’s sake, be silent there: I see a woman coming. Who looks as if she’d news to tell. Now prithee both be quiet And let us hear the tale she brings, without this awful riot.
CLEISTHENES Dear ladies, I am one with you in heart; My cheeks, unfledged, bear witness to my love, I am your patron, aye, and devotee. And now, for lately in the market-place I heard a rumour touching you and yours, I come to warn and put you on your guard, Lest this great danger take you unawares.
CHORUS What now, my child? for we may call thee child, So soft, and smooth, and downy are thy cheeks.
CLEISTHENES Euripides, they say, has sent a cousin, A bad old man, amongst you here to-day.
CHORUS O, why and wherefore, and with what design?
CLEISTHENES To be a spy, a horrid, treacherous spy, A spy on all your purposes and plans.
CHORUS O, how should he be here, and we not know it?
CLEISTHENES Euripides has tweezered him, and singed him, And dressed him up, disguised in women’s clothes.
MNESILOCHUS (stamping about with a lively recollection of his recent sufferings) I don’t believe it; not one word of it; No man would let himself be tweezered so. Ye Goddesses, I don’t believe there’s one.
CLEISTHENES Nonsense: I never should have come here else, I had it on the best authority.
CHORUS This is a most important piece of news. We’ll take immediate steps to clear this up. We’ll search him out: we’ll find his lurking-place. Zounds, if we catch him! r-r-r! the rascal man. Will you, kind gentleman, assist the search? Give us fresh cause to thank you, patron mine.
CLEISTHENES (to F.W.) Well, who are you?
MNESILOCHUS (aside) Wherever can I flee?
CLEISTHENES I’ll find him, trust me.
MNESILOCHUS (aside) Here’s a precious scrape!
FIRST WOMAN Who? I?
CLEISTHENES Yes, you.
FIRST WOMAN Cleonymus’s wife.
CLEISTHENES Do you know her, ladies? Is she speaking truth?
CHORUS O yes, we know her: pass to someone else.
CLEISTHENES Who’s this young person with the baby here?
FIRST WOMAN O, she’s my nursemaid.
MNESILOCHUS (aside) Here he comes; I’m done for.
CLEISTHENES Hey! where’s she off to? Stop! Why, what the mischief!
CHORUS (aside to Cl.) Yes, sift her well; discover who she is. We know the others, but we don’t know her.
CLEISTHENES Come, come, no shuffling, madam, turn this way.
MNESILOCHUS (fretfully) Don’t pull me, sir, I’m poorly.
CLEISTHENES Please to tell me Your husband’s name.
MNESILOCHUS My husband’s name? my husband’s? Why What-d’ye-call-him from Cothocidae.
CLEISTHENES Eh, what? (Considers) There was a What-d’ye-call-him once—
MNESILOCHUS He’s Who-d’ye-call-it’s son.
CLEISTHENES You’re trifling with me. Have you been here before?
MNESILOCHUS O, bless you, yes. Why, every year.
CLEISTHENES And with what tent-companion?
MNESILOCHUS With What’s-her-name.
CHORUS This is sheer idling, woman.
FIRST WOMAN (to Cl.) Step back, sir, please, and let me question ' her On last year’s rites; a little further, please; No man must listen now. (To Mn.) Now, stranger, tell me What first we practised on that holy day.
MNESILOCHUS Bless me, what was it? first? why, first we—drank.
FIRST WOMAN Right; what was second?
MNESILOCHUS Second? Drank again.
FIRST WOMAN Somebody’s told you this. But what was third?
MNESILOCHUS Well, third, Xenylla had a drop too much.
FIRST WOMAN Ah, that won’t do. Here, Cleisthenes, approach. This is the man for certain.
CLEISTHENES Bring him up.
FIRST WOMAN Strip off his clothes! for there’s no truth in him.
MNESILOCHUS What! strip the mother of nine little ones?
CLEISTHENES Loosen that belt, look sharp, you shameless thing.
FIRST WOMAN She does appear a stout and sturdy one: Upon my word, she has no breasts like ours.
MNESILOCHUS Because I’m barren, never had a child.
FIRST WOMAN Yes, now; but then you had nine little ones!
CLEISTHENES Stand up and show yourself. See! he’s a man!
FIRST WOMAN O, this is why you mocked and jeered us so! And dared defend Euripides like that! O, villain, villain.
MNESILOCHUS Miserable me! I’ve put my foot in it, and no mistake.
FIRST WOMAN What shall we do with him?
CLEISTHENES Surround him here, And watch him shrewdly that he ’scape you not. I’ll go at once and summon the police. (Cleisthenes goes out.)
CHORUS
Light we our torches, my sisters, and manfully girding our robes, Gather them sternly about us, and casting our mantles aside On through the tents and the gangways, and up by the tiers and the rows, Eyeing, and probing, and trying, where men would be likely to hide. Now ’tis time, ’tis time, my sisters, round and round and round to go, Soft, with light and airy footfall, creeping, peeping, high and low. Look about in each direction, make a rigid, close inspection, Lest in any hole or corner, other rogues escape detection. Hunt with care, here and there, Searching, spying, poking, prying, up and down, and everywhere For if once the evil-doer we can see, He shall soon be a prey to our vengeance to-day, And to all men a warning he shall be Of the terrible fate that is sure to await The guilty sin-schemer and lawless blasphemer. And then he shall find that the Gods are not blind To what passes below; Yea, and all men shall know It is best to live purely, uprightly, securely,
CHORUS
It is best to do well, And to practise day and night what is orderly and right, And in virtue and in honesty to dwell. But if anyone there be who a wicked deed shall do In his raving, and his raging, and his madness, and his pride, Every mortal soon shall see, aye, and every woman too, What a doom shall the guilty one betide. For the wicked evil deed shall be recompensed with speed, The Avenger doth not tarry to begin, Nor delayeth for a time, but He searcheth out the crime, And He punisheth the sinner in his sin. Now we’ve gone through every corner, every nook surveyed with care, And there’s not another culprit skulking, lurking anywhere.
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