AGATHON (As actor) Move ye slowly, with the holy Torchlight dear to Awful Shades, Singing sweetly, dancing featly, Yes, and neatly, freeborn maids. (As Chorus) Whose the song of festal praise Only tell us, we are zealous Evermore our hymns to raise. (As actor) Sing of Leto, sing of Thee too, Archer of the golden bow, Bright Apollo, in the hollow Glades where Ilian rivers flow, Building buildings, long ago. (As Chorus) Raise the music, softly swelling To the fame of Leto’s name,
CHORUS OF AGATHON To the God in song excelling, Brightest he, of all there be, Giving gifts of minstrelsy. (As actor) Sing the maiden, quiver-laden, From the woodland oaks emerging, Haunted shades of mountain glades, Artemis, the ever Virgin. (As Chorus) We rejoice, heart and voice, Hymning, praising, gently phrasing, Her, the maiden quiver-laden. (As actor) Soft pulsation of the Asian Lyre, to which the dancers go, When the high and holy Graces Weave their swiftly whirling paces, Phrygian measure, to and fro. (As Chorus) Lyre Elysian, heavenly vision, When thy witching tones arise, Comes the light of joy and gladness Flashing from immortal eyes. Eyes will glisten, ears will listen, When our manful numbers ring. Mighty master, Son of Leto, Thine the glory, Thou the King. (Mnesilochus utters a cry of delight.)
MNESILOCHUS Wonderful! Wonderful! How sweet, how soft, how ravishing the strain! What melting words! and as I heard them sung, Ye amorous Powers, there crept upon my soul A pleasant, dreamy, rapturous titillation. And now, dear youth, for I would question thee And sift thee with the words of Aeschylus, Whence art thou, what thy country, what thy garb? Why all this wondrous medley? Lyre and silks,
MNESILOCHUS A minstrel’s lute, a maiden’s netted hair, Girdle and wrestler’s oil! a strange conjunction. How comes a sword beside a looking-glass? What art thou, man or woman? If a man, Where are his clothes? his red Laconian shoes? If woman, ’tis not like a woman’s shape. What art thou, speak; or if thou tell me not, Myself must guess thy gender from thy song.
AGATHON Old man, old man, my ears receive the words Of your tongue’s utterance, yet I heed them not. I choose my dress to suit my poesy. A poet, sir, must needs adapt his ways To the high thoughts which animate his soul. And when he sings of women, he assumes A woman’s garb, and dons a woman’s habits.
MNESILOCHUS (aside to Eu.) When you wrote Phaedra, did you take her habits?
AGATHON But when he sings of men, his whole appearance Conforms to man. What nature gives us not, The human soul aspires to imitate.
MNESILOCHUS (as before) Zounds, if I’d seen you when you wrote the Satyrs!
AGATHON Besides, a poet never should be rough, Or harsh, or rugged. Witness to my words Anacreon, Alcaeus, Ibycus, Who when they filtered and diluted song, Wore soft Ionian manners and attire. And Phrynichus, perhaps you have seen him, sir, How fair he was, and beautifully dressed;
AGATHON Therefore his plays were beautifully fair. For as the Worker, so the Work will be.
MNESILOCHUS Then that is why harsh Philocles writes harshly, And that is why vile Xenocles writes vilely, And cold Theognis writes such frigid plays.
AGATHON Yes, that is why. And I perceiving this Made myself womanlike.
MNESILOCHUS My goodness, how?
EURIPIDES O, stop that yapping: in my youthful days I too was such another one as he.
MNESILOCHUS Good gracious! I don’t envy you your schooling.
EURIPIDES (sharply) Pray, let us come to business, sir.
MNESILOCHUS Say on
EURIPIDES A wise man, Agathon, compacts his words, And many thoughts compresses into few. So, I in my extremity am come To ask a favour of you.
AGATHON Tell me what.
EURIPIDES The womankind at their Home-feast to-day Are going to pay me out for my lampoons.
AGATHON That’s bad indeed, but how can I assist you?
EURIPIDES Why, every way. If you’ll disguise yourself, And sit among them like a woman born, And plead my cause, you’ll surely get me off. There’s none but you to whom I dare entrust it.
AGATHON Why don’t you go yourself, and plead your cause?
EURIPIDES I’ll tell you why. They know me well by sight; And I am grey, you see, and bearded too, But you’ve a baby face, a treble voice,
EURIPIDES A fair complexion, pretty, smooth, and soft.
AGATHON Euripides!
EURIPIDES Yes.
AGATHON Wasn’t it you who wrote You VALUE LIFE; DO YOU THINK YOUR FATHER DOESN’T?
EURIPIDES It was: what then?
AGATHON Expect not me to bear Your burdens; that were foolishness indeed. Each man must bear his sorrows for himself. And troubles, when they come, must needs be met By manful acts, and not by shifty tricks.
MNESILOCHUS Aye, true for you, your wicked ways are shown By sinful acts, and not by words alone.
EURIPIDES But tell me really why you fear to go.
AGATHON They’d serve me worse than you.
EURIPIDES How so?
AGATHON How so? I’m too much like a woman, and they’d think That I was come to poach on their preserves.
MNESILOCHUS Well, I must say that’s not a bad excuse.
EURIPIDES Then won’t you really help?
AGATHON I really won’t.
EURIPIDES Thrice luckless I! Euripides is done for!
MNESILOCHUS O friend! O cousin! don’t lose heart like this.
EURIPIDES Whatever can I do?
EURIPIDES (striking while the iron is hot) Well, if you’ll really give yourself to me, First throw aside this overcloak.
MNESILOCHUS ’Tis done. But how are you going to treat me?
EURIPIDES Shave you here, And singe you down below.
MNESILOCHUS (magnanimously) Well, do your worst; I’ve said you may, and I’ll go through with it.
EURIPIDES You’ve always, Agathon, got a razor handy; Lend us one, will you?
AGATHON Take one for yourself Out of the razor-case.
EURIPIDES Obliging youth! (To Mn.) Now sit you down, and puff your right cheek out.
MNESILOCHUS Oh!
EURIPIDES What’s the matter? Shut your mouth, or else I’ll clap a gag in.
MNESILOCHUS Lackalackaday!
EURIPIDES Where are you fleeing?
MNESILOCHUS To sanctuary I. Shall I sit quiet to be hacked like that? Demeter, no!
EURIPIDES Think how absurd you’ll look. With one cheek shaven, and the other not.
MNESILOCHUS (doggedly) Well, I don’t care.
EURIPIDES O, by the Gods, come back. Pray don’t forsake me.
MNESILOCHUS Miserable me!
EURIPIDES Sit steady; raise your chin; don’t wriggle so.
MNESILOCHUS (wincing) O tchi, tchi, tchi!
EURIPIDES There, there, it’s over now
MNESILOCHUS And I’m, worse luck, a Rifled Volunteer.
EURIPIDES Well, never mind; you’re looking beautiful. Glance in this mirror.
MNESILOCHUS Well then, hand it here.
EURIPIDES What see you there?
MNESILOCHUS (in disgust) Not me, but Cleisthenes.
EURIPIDES Get up: bend forward. I’ve to singe you now.
MNESILOCHUS O me, you’ll scald me like a sucking-pig.
EURIPIDES Someone within there, bring me out a torch. Now then, stoop forward: gently; mind yourself.
MNESILOCHUS I’ll see to that. Hey! I’ve caught fire there. Hey! O, water! water! neighbours, bring your buckets. Fire! Fire! I tell you; I’m on fire, I am!
EURIPIDES There, it’s all right.
MNESILOCHUS All right, when I’m a cinder?
EURIPIDES Well, well, the worst is over; ’tis indeed. It won’t pain now.
MNESILOCHUS Faugh, here’s a smell of burning! Drat it, I’m roasted all about the stern.
EURIPIDES Nay, heed it not. I’ll have it sponged directly.
MNESILOCHUS I’d like to catch a fellow sponging me.
EURIPIDES Though you begrudge your active personal aid, Yet, Agathon, you won’t refuse to lend us A dress and sash: you can’t deny you’ve got them.
AGATHON Take them, and welcome. I begrudge them not.
MNESILOCHUS What’s first to do?
EURIPIDES Put on this yellow silk.
MNESILOCHUS By Aphrodite, but ’tis wondrous nice.
EURIPIDES Gird it up tighter.
MNESILOCHUS Where’s the girdle?
EURIPIDES Here.
MNESILOCHUS Make it sit neatly there about the legs.
EURIPIDES Now for a snood and hair-net.
AGATHON Will this do? It’s quite a natty hairdress; it’s my nightcap.
EURIPIDES The very thing: i’faith, the very thing.
MNESILOCHUS Does it look well?
EURIPIDES Zeus! I should think it did! Now for a mantle.
AGATHON Take one from the couch.
EURIPIDES A pair of woman’s shoes.
AGATHON Well, here are mine.
MNESILOCHUS Do they look well? They are loose enough, I trow
AGATHON You see to that; I’ve lent you all you need. Will someone kindly wheel me in again?
EURIPIDES There then, the man’s a regular woman now, At least to look at; and if you’ve to speak, Put on a feminine mincing voice.
MNESILOCHUS (in a shrill treble) I’ll try.
EURIPIDES And now begone, and prosper.
MNESILOCHUS Wait a bit. Not till you’ve sworn—Sworn what?
MNESILOCHUS As well by vile Hippocrates’s cabin.
EURIPIDES Well, then, I swear by every blessed God.
MNESILOCHUS And please remember ’twas your MIND that swore, Not your tongue only; please remember that.
EURIPIDES O, get you gone: for there’s the signal hoisted Over the Temple; they are assembling now. I think I’ll leave you.
MNESILOCHUS Thratta, come along. O Thratta, Thratta, here’s a lot of women Coming up here! O, what a flare of torches! O sweet Twain-goddesses, vouchsafe me now A pleasant day, and eke a safe return. Set down the basket, Thratta; give me out The sacred cake to offer to the Twain. O dread Demeter, high unearthly one, O Persephassa, grant your votaress grace To join in many festivals like this, Or if not so, at least escape this once. And may my daughter, by your leaves, pick up A wealthy husband, and a fool to boot; And little Bull-calf have his share of brains. Now, then, I wonder which is the best place To hear the speeches? Thratta, you may go. These are not things for servant-girls to hear.
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