Under the leather and metal Picture


…how this happened. This is not an excuse, I have none, this is not shame, I don’t have that either. I just want you to understand.

Let’s start with a rant I once had about the subject of fan-girls:

Let me define the difference between “fan who happens to be female” and the term “fan girl”.

The difference is mostly reasonableness. A “fangirl” can like either a real person, or a fictional character. Either way, they have odd ideas about what the person is really like, and often confuse actors for characters. They will “ship” actors or characters, and write crazy obsessive stories… not to explore writing craft or psychology, but to stick their two, or one, favourite characters together into something unlikely. They will invariably waste long hours doing things most people deem to be insane or a waste of time, like arguing on the internet and thinking there’s a victory to be had there… They’ll also in more extreme cases stalk their obsession, or just think about doing it. They idolize their object of interest and will often argue they have no flaw and that all they do is justified. They, by definition, daydream obsessively and will spend their spare time thinking of nothing else… if they have a boyfriend, they are likely to resemble, or be made to resemble -in their own head or not- one of their obsessions. The key words here and “unreasonable” and “obsession”.

“Fangirls” are fun, and I like them, and I hate haters who hate on them… but I do not partake in the same behaviours. And most people who get called “fan-girl” or “fan-boy” actually doesn’t fit this description.

Now. I have written fan fics, I do it for feedback, and half the time it contains characters I’m not even personally attracted to. I would NEVER write fiction about an actor. Characters can’t care, they don’t exist. An actor does. I wouldn’t like _ I don’t like _ people making crazy assumptions about what goes on inside my head. I wouldn’t like people putting me in erotic situations with my friends or co-workers all willy-nilly, or at all. I can only imagine how awkward and scary it is for some people to think about what their fans think of them.

I would not, for instance, ever daydream about and actor. Why? -you may ask- Because they’re a real person. I do not fantasize about real people… unless I’m dating them already. Because it’s AWKWARD… I don’t care if actors expect it from fans… I can’t get off on twisting the likenesses of real people into what I *think* they might be like or act like, whether or not they’re interested or want me to… (and a personal invitation from an actor to do just that, would be a. Weird to the point of making me question my perception of reality… and b. probably instantly turn off the language centre in my brain and fuck with my blood pressure in medically unfortunate ways…. From a person I found attractive in my personal life… it would be doubly weird and make things really awkward between us… in most cases.)

That does not mean I do not find them attractive. I find a number of people to be physically attractive. However, personality is a big part of attraction to me. A person’s features can be ruined for me by an incompatible or dislikeable personality, and since I don’t know what actors are -really- like, and since all fictional characters have flaws as exaggerated as their virtues -or more so- this actually makes it quite hard for me to find someone truly attractive, let alone actually obsess over them. In short, thinking they are attractive does not necessarily equate to being attracted TO them.

But let’s never mind obsessive fan-love for a moment. Character’s don’t exist, so you can love the idea of them, without loving them, or without them caring. Actors do exist, they can care. So can I. I can decide to care about someone who is famous… they are a person. I care about Natalie Tran, I care about Hanna Minx, just like I care about my friends in other cities, in this city, like I care about my favourite artists on DA. Yes I care what happens with my favourite actor. I will be forever indignantly angry about what happened to Jonathan Brandis. Because they are PEOPLE. And yes, if I actually got to know someone famous and decided I really liked them in person, maybe I would actually love them, as I could anyone else (while fully aware they lack knowledge of my existence, still potentially… Natalie still hasn‘t ever responded to a single message from me).

I might consider dating someone who was famous under the right conditions… possibly, it sounds stressful. The whole world just being that interested in your boyfriend/girlfriend and what you’re like by extension, and having every fan-girl be jealous, sounds bad enough, but when you add to that the issue of relationship equity… you can see how it’s hard for celebrities to date anyone who isn’t famous. And seriously, can you imagine me around paparazzi? I’d die of pure adrenal shock from the world biggest migraine.

I’d have a hard time turning down a coffee with David Bowie, Alan Rickman, or Tom, Scarlett -just about any likeable seeming famous person because they’re interesting- just to talk to them, sure. But it would only be coffee. And maybe I’d date someone famous, if I wasn’t already involved, but if I wouldn’t throw myself at a guy at work… why would I do so to someone just because a lot of other people agree that they’re hot, and they happen to be on TV?

The point is, I guess, I do not idealize and fantasize about actors, or even characters the same way most “fans” do…. And when you say “fangirl” it brings to mind the mental image of some drooling crazy chick, dressed in one’s colours, calling one by the name of a character one plays, and throwing themselves at one’s feet… A most unbecoming behaviour. *no offence to fangirls- who BTW bring me so many smiles* “

Now let’s review a timeline of excerpts…


Saw the Avengers movie in the theatre and was super happy because I didn’t have a headache and almost never go to the theatre. Did not know Tom Hiddleston existed. My reaction to Loki was that he was pretty, but “bag of cats” crazy.


“The actor for Loki, Tom Hiddleston, was great. You can tell in real life he smiles a lot (even if it is a bit nervously, I suspect), and it reaches his eyes, his expression lines convey this well. Normally this would be annoying on a villain and break the suspended disbelief (for me at least), but because of the particular quirks of Loki’s character, this worked really well.

I think it’s particularly epic that Tom thinks Loki could be good. I’ve heard rumours that they might allow for a shift like that. [If someone could get through all the metal and leather and all the walls he’s put up and the anger… and just give him a hug…] I’m paraphrasing, but *Lol* Tom, you’re incredibly entertaining… and very pretty. “


I discover a very convincing cosplay, and that his fans are hilarious, most laughs I’ve ever had.


“I’ve recently had it recounted to me, that producers have a habit of putting Tom Hiddleston in tight leather… I didn’t expect I’d care that much (since I don’t pay much attention to actors or pop culture at all) but… on rare occasion, I find someone who I think to be both talented and pretty…”

“… because Tom Hiddleston broke my brain and I haven’t recovered… I think it’s about time I admit to it. Tom is my favourite actor, now, officially. He’s good at what he does, he’s pretty, I love his voice, and from the interviews I’ve seen he seems like a nice, intelligent person of, incidentally, a personality type I‘d actually get along with.

It took me until almost 25 years of age… But I finally found an actor who makes me actually feel like a fan-girl… Not a crazy one, not “fangirl“… but a fan who is female.

I finally broke down and looked up avengers related stuffs on you-tube… Hilarity ensued. Check my favourites for some of the, more tasteful, highlights.

“Because I just died laughing.

I just watched the most hilariously inappropriate TV interview with some of the cast of Thor… I was blushing for them the whole time… I think I died a few times laughing… I’ll have a headache because of it once my BP drops again… and I swear if I ever EVER hear Tom Hiddleston say “boner” again, I will immediately relapse to dying of laughter…. In fact, any mention of Thor’s hammer… that sounds like an innuendo… I’ll die. I can not believe that interview even exists.

…Of course I probably only clicked on it because of an abundance of Scotch and Whiskey… Seriously. “


“Because I am making reference to physiology, not personality, in reference to Scarlett Johansson and Tom Hiddleston when I say: “Damn, what an ass!”

That’s right, you get two lines from me today. Consider it payment for being weird and often absent.

What am I not admitting to myself today? That I’m about to walk for over an hour, during the day (with an umbrella of course) to have internet, because my best friend wouldn’t stop describing a picture of Tom Hiddleston’s rear end to me… and now it’s going to drive me crazy until I see the damned photo… That’s right…, across town, to see a picture of someone’s rear end… because -apparently- it looks damned good in wet denim… On that note, have I mentioned that I think I might be gay for him… Being a woman might make that laughable to some of you… but my inner man is totally gay for him. (I hope this doesn‘t offend or disturb anyone involved). My female aspect, incidentally, is straight for him.

Don’t be too disappointed in me though… I am also walking that far to get to see my pretty boyfriend, in person, and possibly in less. … or be more disappointed in me… I’m not sure that amendment fixed it… I can’t tell anymore.

But Mel… Please keep in mind that we don’t fully understand the issue with my blood pressure and tachycardia yet… so driving up my readings might not be good for my health.

And back to the theory that “Tom Hiddleston does it on purpose” … and might secretly be more shameless than I (in a very endearing way)… I have a new list of evidence to add to that. Remind me to get into it when I haven’t just woken up. … Also if he could bear in mind that some people have heart conditions… not stop what he’s doing, hell no, just keep it in mind…

And if you could all excuse the nose blood that I’m sure I get on you on occasion… we’re good. “

And so I finally broke down and graced tumbler with my attention…

…And once I did find the picture… My brain broke. My blood pressure went all levels of crazy, I felt completely ridiculous… and like I had been hit in both ears… and the only way I could think of to get it out of my system was to do the only -questionably sane- thing I know how, the only way I get anything aesthetically pleasing out of my system… Paint/draw it. But It had to be Loki, for reasons ranted about, and because it’s too awesome of a concept no to.

And so for all you raving fan girls, I give you this. The saddest oversight of the whole movie, being that Loki was in leather pants the whole time, and never takes off that damned jacket, because -obviously- Joss Wedon has never seen this photo:


For those of you who want to see the reference material… for purely artistic reasons of course. *cough*… second post on that made me die of laughter again… for those of you who care to read it.

So believe me when I say that this is an unprecedented level of -something- from me, Tom should feel flattered (mostly because I‘m only one of very many he has broken), and you all should celebrate and enjoy it.

I meanwhile need to go try to reclaim my sanity and dignity.

I’d say I spent way too long on this, but I didn’t… did it in a about a day, start to finish. I’m able to work out poses and such faster now, and get proportioning right with less “liquefying” (tool in photoshop) and also had really good references. (stop giggling about the “references“ stop it, I say!) The lack of clothing helped make the line art go a lot faster… wait, that sounded worse than it is… *arg*

I'm allowing download of the full sized image, for the first time ever, because... I love his fans, especially the questionably crazy ones.

But I have the original photoshop file, so no thieving.

No warning because, well, none needed, not the available ones anyways and not according to policy.

And so, now that I have just chronicled my own decent into insanity for you, and probably said a number (a large number) of things in public that I will never live down, I bid you farewell.

I hope I’m good for a laugh, at least, and hey, I made this for you, so … Love me?

… In conclusion, yes, that is what Loki looks like from behind, under most of the leather and metal
Continue Reading: The Graces