485 - Idiots Guide to Time Travel Picture

Preowned Experiment: Big Villain 8 3/8
Idiots guide to Time travel.

When I eventually die in 3 years time, I’m going to have one question for God.

Not the meaning of life or why we are here, a really profound and thought provoking question.

“Can you explain Final Fantasy to me!?”

With Final Fantasy 13, I dived head first out of my comfort zone and into the world of nonsensical horseshit, melodramatic (not emo) teenagers with super powers and a plot about as convoluted and ass backwards as My Little Pony fanfiction!

To be fair, some of Final Fantasy’s Fanbase came to my aid with their suggestions, answers to my endless questions and even strategies in tackling various bosses, random encounters and the like to which I thank them for their kind words and advice. Yet having said that, their input was more satisfying than the solutions Square-Enix had to offer.

I will say they did solve a few petty grievances I had with the last title. Instead of coming on 3 worthless discs it now comes in 1. The large cast of generic clichés have been reduced to 2 and I get to ride around on a golden Yoshi.

Tarosan: …. He means Chocobo!

Yet everything else is still a pain in the backside.

I won’t delve into Gameplay all that much for it’s pretty much the same as FF13. Paradigm systems, levelling up, crystalium etc etc. While the main difference in battle is having little Pokemon come with you to act as extra party members.

FF13-2 (Chelsea 0) offered a complete summary of the entire plot of its predecessor, spoken aloud by a GPS that sounded about as bored as I was playing it. When you have to explain the entire story of the last game in your sequel, and your game sounds completely bored reading it. You know you fucked up and made a gigantic mess!

I was pleased to know Vanille, a character I hold universal contempt with, was killed off in 13. Yet the bombshell 13-2 drops is the game goes the Mortal Kombat 9 root and retcons the previous outing.

So wait Square-Enix, you mean to tell me I endured 7 and a half hours of torturous cutscenes, badly dressed teens doing an angsty rendition of Dawson’s Creek and ran down linear corridors…. Just so you’d retcon it and made that entire journey worthless??

Square-Enix: Yup…. Why are you reaching for that gun?

While I at least had a hand on what 13 was doing, 13-2 is all over the place that I’m not even the same postcode as it! So bare with me as I try my darndest to understand what in pancake flipping fuck was going on.

So after showing the same cutscene twice…. Actually let me bitch about that first!

Square, can I ask you something? What is the ever loving point of showing me a cutscene and then showing me the exact same cutscene…. NOW WITH THE CORRECT AUDIO!!?

That’s padding in the 10th degree and could you stop pulling that shit? The point of a video game intro is to either offer snippets of the story to entice the player or have an original opening cinematic to hook the player into getting pumped! Not show the entire opening twice, one with crappy Star Wars knock off music and then the same exact intro with the awful voice acting!

Anyway, our cinematic opus begins in the kingdom of Valhalla (BY ODIN’S BEARD!!!) where monotone robot with the designation “Lightning” is now the protector of this Norse Kingdom!

I guess Odin died and Thor was helping the Avengers or something?

Then “I wish I was Sephiroth #42” drops a girl into the ocean, recreating that cutscene from FF7 before unleashing his minions on Valhalla. Question time children, how do you try to make a narcoleptic story about tired clichés seem interesting?

By inserting quick time events of course!

After watching Lighting and Count Drag-ula recreate that fight scene from Man of Steel, Sora from Kingdom Hearts appears….

Michael Cole: OUT OF NOWHERE!!!

… And Lightning sends him to the past to aid her sister Serah into bringing her to Valhalla. Wait; hold on a sec, if I know my Norse Mythology then Valhalla is where Vikings go when they die. Meaning Lightning send this guy back in time (I think) to kill her sister Serah.

This is starting to sound like the plot to The Terminator!

I’m kidding, they have to go on a time travel quest to fix some paradoxes and fight Devil May Cry monsters. Yet as I previously mentioned, the events of FF13 somehow no longer happened, meaning Serah is alive but is the only one who remembers what happened in FF13, but somehow Lightning is in Valhalla, Snow went off somewhere, Hope is now an adult after just 5 years, Caius is out to stop them fixing the space time continuum but Sora wants a good future and OMG MY BRAIN IS STARTING TO HURT!!!!!!

WHO WROTE THIS!!?? I’ve seen Dragonball Z arcs make more sense then this… No I’ll go one better.

The entire series of Twilight had a more logical narrative than this pile of batshit insanity!

This game threw everything at me including the kitchen sink and I still cannot comprehend what it was all about. In fact on my second night playing this, I had to turn the 360 off and went to watch Arnold Schwarzenegger’s cinematic opus “Commando” to help release the stress my brain was enduring. Yes Commando is a complete joke, but even Arnold’s frobbing oily biceps fighting brown people on non descript evil bastard island was easier to follow than “An idiots guide to Time Travel!”

In fact, I think Arnold Schwarzenegger would make Final Fantasy 13 100% tolerable!


I found it difficult to really get behind a character in this game. Serah is probably the only one I was willing to tolerate, albeit she’s a school teacher, Snow’s fiance and is probably 30 years old yet looks like she’s 12! Noel to me is kind of what Silver the Hedgehog should have been, but both don’t really having an original idea in them and the game just loves to constantly jerk Lightning off!

Oh while I’m on the subject of self gratification. Why is this saga so attached to Lightning may I ask? I hear from a lot of people she’s this really in depth character and the best thing about the FF13 games. To me, she’s a boring, monotone bitch with the same level of cardboard emotions as Samus from Metroid Other M! I can understand people being attached to say Cloud from FF7 but there is really nothing to Lightning. I think my custom characters from Phantasy Star Online, Skyrim and South Park: The Stick of Truth had more personality than this comatose looking woman with the appeal of a brick!

I know that’s pretty harsh and I’m sorry if that offends FF fans but I call it like I see it. I’ve given every game in these experiments a chance to sway me, and so far the Final Fantasy 13 saga isn’t really swaying me. It’s got its hands around my throat and screaming made up words at me in a high pitched squeal!

Every character is desperately trying to explain things to me but they might as well be speaking Klingon for all the good it will do. I found myself just smiling and nodding to whatever character was speaking, praying we’d just go back to the battles. While I do want to go back to FF13 someday to finish that story off, this one left a bad taste in my mouth!

Also, what is up with this soundtrack?

It goes from god awful J-Pop to Linkin Park in the blink of an eye! And you cannot even turn it off in the options menu. The voice acting is a mixed kettle of fish, sometimes it’s really good with say Serah and Noel, but with other characters it’s goofy and out of place.

My final thought. Don’t play this. It’s just a big multicoloured, time travelling, confusing concussed mess that gives me a good idea why FF13 is so universally reviled!

Square-Enix: You’re still playing Lightning Returns right?

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