The Top 10 Movies I Will Never Review Picture

So after doing my top 10 movies that absolutely love and the top 10 movies that absolutely infuriate me, I felt it was time to do a list of movies that I felt were not worth my time and energy reviewing, whether them butchering something I loved to the point of making me cry, that they didn't get the source material, there was complete lack of effort or some other reason. So...here they are.

10. Clash of the Titans (2010): I saw the original Clash of the Titans when I was 15. The effects with their stop motion animatronics was bit...dated. But still had a decent story and solid acting. Heck the guy who played Perseus in this movie later reprised him in God of War 2 (Nice). So when I heard there was going to be a remake of this movie done by Louis Letterier (The guy who directed Incredible Hulk) I was excited. Then when I watched the movie, oh boy was I disappointed. The movie tries so hard to be like God of War (Just make a God of War movie then), Sam Worthington as Perseus is so bland (Then again he's nothing special in all his roles) and spends a great deal time whinning how the gods screwed him and his family over, and how he hates his father Zeus. The CGI for the monsters such as Medusa and the Krakken were fantastic, but the final fight just comes off as anti climatic. Sure the original suffered the same propblem, but I thought that was more to limited technology and budget. I will thank this movie for finally getting Medusa's orign right, where she was a priestess of Athena and got raped by Poseidon, and Athen punished her because she couldn't do it Poseidon and to prevent further sex with her. Where as the original had it that Aphrodite was jealous of her or some nonsense like that.

9. Zilla: Back in the 90s it was quite a while since we saw Godzilla due to the new Godzilla movies being shown exclusively in Japan. Then I heard there was going to be an American remake and have a CGI Godzilla, I was so excited. Then the movie came...and I was beyond underwhelmed. This monster doesn't deserve to be called Godzilla. He looks a giant unintimidating iguana, runs from fights, doesn't have the atomic breath (You know the thing that made Godzilla a parallel to the atomic bomb that destroyed Hiroshima), and to top it all off he get's killed by 2 jets (Lame). Thus I go by what Toho called him, Zilla, and I'm glad the real Godzilla killed this wannabe without even getting hit. That's why he's the king. As for the human characters I didn't care about them.

8. Percy Jackson Sea of Monsters: When I first saw the 1st Percy Jackson, I thought it was a pretty ok movie. Taking modern settings and incorporating Greek Mythology (Which is one of my favorite mythologies), as well as a main character that was a demigod son of Poseidon. Then I read the book, and sweet mother of all things pure this movie doesn't compare. It took way too many liberties. But I chalked it down to enjoyable if you didn't read the book. Then I tried to give the sequel a chance hoping it would be more faithful. I was wrong. So very wrong. The movie continues to butcher the book's story, there are numerous plotholes, the actors act like they don't give a shit about this movie (Who could blame them), Percy's brother/cousin (I don't know), the cyclops is so irrelevant to the plot, and that daughter of Ares who acts as Percy's rival is such a cunt. Take my advice and just stick with the books.

7. Dark Shadows: I don't know what shames me more the fact this movie had an interesting premise of a rich British man being turned to a vampire for rejecting a witch's feelings of love for him, and it gets butchered by Tim Burton's trope of having weird stuff for the sake of it, or the fact this movie is hardly anything like the ones from the show (I saw the show after this movie to my shame). The Collins family is really bland especially David Collins. Victoria Winters/Maggie Evans is more of a card board "character" than Bella and Mary Sue from the Raimiman movies. It also bugs me that the actress' name is Bella and she is equally as bland as the Twilight one. The movie focuses way too much on Barnabas' relationship with Vicky instead of the overall family. Numerous plotholes. They over empasize on whose fault it is for Barnabs' problems between Barnabas and Angelique Bouchard. Things aren't helped by the fact there was a scene where Helena Bonham Carter gave Barnabas a blowjob (Classy). Do I think Johnny Depp and Eva Green did a good job as Barnabas and Angelique? Eh...it's pretty hit and miss. Sometimes they acted like how they did in the show, and others....yeah. Just watch the show from 60s and 70s. Sure there is a lot of talking, but the stories and closure really pay it off.

6. Shorcut to Happiness: Adam Baldwin is a loser writer who can't get a break, and sells his soul to the devil played by Jennifer Love Hewitt. Are you fucking kidding me? Look I have nothing against JLH. She's a great actress, I liked her as the Ghost Whisperer, Medusa, Julie etc. But she's just too nice and girly to be the devil. Not to mention they don't do much with her. If this movie has one redeeming quality, it's Anthony Hopkins. When he does that speech about why God made the world the way it is just fine instead of giving a "perfect" world, you almost believe you're in a better movie.

5. Twilight: I don't need to go into why. Everybody should know why this movie series sucks.

4. Spawn: I was introduced to Spawn thanks to the HBO animated series, and it was my first introduction to the Anti heroes. Heroes that are more out for themselves and will do things the more mainstream heroes wouldn't do. Though in hindsight it probably wasn't best for a seven year old to watch a show with sex, violence, and suggestive themes. Whoops, so I was excited when I heard about a Spawn movie. Oh boy what a let down. The tone of the movie ranges from the expected dark tone, to watered down PG-13 imitation to childish stuff you'd see in an Adam Sandler movie. There's more but it's just way too depressing to get into it.

3. Just Go With it: Speaking of Adam Sandler movies. Watch another movie featuring the now unfunny, juvenile, egotistcal Adam Sandler get into hijinks with my most hated actress, Jennifer Aniston. No on second thought let's not.

2. Paul: I really had high hopes for this movie. Simon Pegg and Nick Frost are funny guys. And I love Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz. But this...no. The movie overall is still funny, being like a comedic take on ET, but what really kills this movie for me is how they take a good chunk of the movie to be pro atheist. For those wondering, yes I'm a Christian and no I have nothing against atheists. You don't be a dick about what I believe and I won't be a dick about what you believe. This movie tries to portray a strawman's version of Christians. Sheltered, narrowminded, overzealous etc. It was more like they took time to do a mean spirited pardoy of Christians. I felt like I was watching one of Family Guy's anti religion episodes which they beat to death (I'm actually considering dropping Family Guy now) I would've much preferred they just stick with the story of meeting an alien and hijinks ensue trying to have humans help him get home.

1. Dragonball Evolution: If you know me, you know I am huge fan of Dragonball. It was my introduction to anime, to martial arts, Asian mythology etc. Dragonball Z Kai (Which I'm glad they're currently airing Buu saga) is my favorite show. So when I heard that there would be a live action Dragonball movie, I was so elated I felt like a child opening a Christmas present. And then I watched the trailers. And for the first time in decades I layed on the desk and cried. It was nothing like Dragonball. It missed the mark about being a parody of Journey to the West. The first half felt like a generic teen movie and the 2nd half felt like a rushed half assed Star Wars movie mixed with martial arts. To say that there are multiple plotholes in this movie big enough to fit Godzilla in is an understatement. And to top it all of they basically spat in the face of some of the precious things about Dragonball such as making the flying Nimbus cloud a bike and having it being runover by a yellow camaro (There's a Bayformers joke there) and not having Goku turn into a Great Ape during a full moon but an eclipes. The CGI for this movie is the worst I have ever seen, the backgrounds look fake, even the fucking rocks look fake and are fake too. None of the characters act like their manga & anime counterpart, especially Justin Chatwin as Goku. Instead of this purehearted person who loves fighting and going on adventures, and grow ups to be an alien protector the universe, we get an Emo kid who is more focused on getting girls than spending time with his granpa who made a birthday party for him, and saving the world. He is just as bad as Tobey Maguire's Raimiman. Plus it doesn't help that this was the movie that killed the careers of all the actors. I hate this movie so much that I made an oath in front of God to never watch this movie (Unless it was being riffed).
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The Top 10 Movies I Will Never Review
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